


Petals of Love

by soo_ah0110



Series: Feeling of You [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Changing POV, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hanahaki Disease, Heartbreak, Humor, HyungWonho - Freeform, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, OT7, OT7 forever and ever, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Swimming, hopefully you'll laugh a bit, painful lovestory, showki are super cautious about each other, super slow burn, there will be heartbreak but i'm not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 131,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24473284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soo_ah0110/pseuds/soo_ah0110
Summary: Being a university student that is lucky enough to have 7 best friends can really be the best thing in the world. Uni life is treating Hanna and the 7 other members of the group really well, but she happens to discover that unrequited love is not a walk through a pretty pink park because the park seems to have settled in her lungs making it difficult for her to breathe.~~~Hyungwonho are in a relationship already, Showki are slowly getting there and Joohyuk might just straight out break your heart.~~~This is a story mainly of love and friendship, featuring humor and heartbreak (and everything in between)... And swearing. :D and with the occasional drop for a movie reference :) <3
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Original Female Character(s), Lee Jooheon/Lee Minhyuk, Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Series: Feeling of You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990912
Comments: 109
Kudos: 47





	1. Where It All Began

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so this is a new story of mine. It starts with a future Hanna's comment and then follows in chronological order. I would like to give a warning that this is a super slow burn story, like really super slow. Some situations in the story are inspired by my friends, some are completely made up and some are inspired by memes I stumble upon online, some are literally my life and its struggles melted into the story. The story is told from Hanna's POV and gives lots of insight to the her mind. Enough said... I hope you like it!

Swimming has always been a part of my life. Ever since I have had the ability to remember something I have always had memories of swimming - the sound of water around my ears; the burning of muscles during a particularly difficult set; the ever-present smell of chlorine seeped into my skin and my dry hair; the feeling of annoyance when water was leaking into my goggles; the laughs shared with friends during just seconds-long breaks; excitement of achieving a personal best at a meet; frustration when the times were not as fast as I wanted them to be. All of these and much more I have always had in my life. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_ , would ever take that away from me, right?

 _Right_ …?

Well the story of _that_ began 2 years ago - in late September of my 1st year at university to be accurate. To be honest… it’s kind of a long one…

**~LATE SEPTEMBER - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

“Hanna, speed up! Put more strength into the kick,” the coach shouts at me during my short 10 seconds in between 200s freestyle. “Hyunwoo, push your stroke to your thigh! Aaand in 3…2…1… go!”

Hyunwoo and I push off the wall on coach’s command and just keep going harder and harder. This shit never gets easier…

“Okay, 300 cool down and stretch afterwards in your dorms,” the coach finishes the practice after more than 2 hours of swimming.

“Finally,” I sigh next to Hyunwoo, my friend since like forever. We met as kids at the pool when we were 6 and first started swimming; we instantly became friends and have been almost inseparable ever since. He’s always protected me like an older brother, but also teased me like one, even though he was older only by couple of months. Everyone always considered him much older because of his height compared to mine - he’s almost 2 heads taller than me (another thing he always mercilessly teased me about). However, I can honestly say I have never been innocent in the teasing part either. As a “little sister” I had teased him mercilessly about the girls he liked (and later boys too) among other stuff (hihi). And now at university we still swam together in the university team and even though we were doing different majors we were as inseparable as ever.

“Yeah, finally. I don’t know why, but today just felt ENDLESS!” he exasperated and pushed off to finish the practice.

Leaving the pool I noticed a familiar figure of a guy that has just recently ‘swam’ back into my life. He was walking towards the pool with a certain lack of energy only people going to practice would have. “Yo, Hoseok!”

He looked up from his phone and smiled at me. “Hanna, you done?” he asked with slight envy lacing his voice.

“Yep. You envious?” I asked back smiling and knowing the answer before even spoken.

“Yep. Man, no matter how much I love diving… still. I had to get out of bed into this weather and I’m almost late.”

“You mean you didn’t want to get out of bed because of your sleepyhead boyfriend,” I laughed at Hoseok, who just looked as guilty as charged.

“Well…”

“I just wish I would’ve been there when you guys started dating.”

“You heard all the stories, though.”

“Stories are just that - stories. _Plus,_ I doubt I heard them all.”

“You’d know that better than anyone, right? All the stories about Hyunwoo and you.”

“Oh. My. God. I mean, those were like… I can’t even…”

He laughed at my lack for words about the ludicrous stories that used to go around the swimming teams for years about me and Hyunwoo super secretly dating and being in love for YEARS.

Every time a new story has been fabricated I was flabbergasted. Like I mean, what the hell people, do you have nothing better to do than to spread rumors?! When the first one appeared I was shocked anybody would ever think that about Hyunwoo and me. When the second one came, I was disgusted because he was (just not by blood) my brother. When the third one came I was started to get annoyed and by the time the tenth one rolled around it just went one ear in and the other out.

“Hoseok, what’s up!” Hyunwoo’s voice shouts from behind me. “SO happy that I’m not the one just starting today’s practice!” Hyunwoo laughs and I join him.

“You guys,” Hoseok says with a tired voice. “Anyways, gotta go. I don’t really wanna have coach in my hair again about being late.” And with that he starts to sluggishly move towards the pool again.

I just shout at him as I walk away, “Lunch tomorrow still on?”

“Yeah.”

“Bring Hyungwon!” shouts Hyunwoo.

“Yeah. I’ll get him to wake up. See ya!”

“See you!” Then Hyunwoo turns to me. “Let’s go eat. I’m hungry.”

“Ugh… me too.”

The next day I wake up at 5AM, just like every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Fortunately it’s Thursday already, which means I can sleep in until 8AM to get to class by 9AM on Friday, which I will have to worry about tomorrow because it’s morning practice time.

I scramble out of bed, trying not to just fall back into bed and sleep - I mean, I could do that but then in the afternoon when I go to practice I would never hear the end of it. Coach always gets so mad when we skip practice, for whatever reason other than hospital-level-serious sickness or injury. Nothing else is acceptable. I bet that I would have to go to practice in the morning even if I had my own funeral in the afternoon. No joke. Seriously…

One lucky thing is that my dorm is quite close to the pool (that’s why I chose it), but on the other hand I have to walk to uni for 25-30 minutes minimum. There is a bus going from the pool to uni but I rarely use it since I only have early morning class on the days I don’t swim in the morning, which is Wednesday and Friday.

I put on my swim suit underneath my massively over-sized hoodie and put on our team’s sweat pants. Underwear was in the backpack from yesterday ( _clean_ , guys… what do you think of me!!!!) and as I’m putting my shoes on I notice how the hood is standing on my hair bun. Having long hair, like down to my butt long, as a swimmer was not only rare but also quite bothersome, however I liked it nonetheless - even though most of its life it was in a bun or a ponytail stinking of chlorine. And no one _really_ knew how long it was.

I arrive at the pool deck and my Siamese twin (as Hoseok just _loved_ to call us) is already there sleepily warming up his arms by swinging them around. I turn around to look at the clock. 5:46AM. _Good time_. I look around to check who else is in and nod to a couple of older teammates and join the sleepy 1st years.

“Moooorning,” I drag out of myself without excitement and only get a tired ‘mhmhhh’ sound from Hyunwoo and a couple of nods from the others. I join them in the warm up. “You have the exam today, right?” I asked Hyunwoo.

“Yeah.”

“Did you study?” I already knew the answer to that…

“I tried.”

Coach comes up from behind us and yells way too loud for the time of the day. “Shower and pool. Let’s get going, guys!”

“Ugh…” comes from 10 out 11 people present… the 11th is the coach.

Pulling my wet hair out of the bun, I leave the lecture hall as soon as the teacher says we’re allowed to go. I hated Sports Nutrition 101. I mean come on, I know how to eat, what to eat and when to eat it. I am a swimmer. We eat everything… Okay… _maybe_ I was not that good at sports nutrition, but I would never admit that out loud. And I never had problems with weight (thank all the Gods, dead and alive) thanks to swimming. As a full time swimmer the daily energy expenditure is pretty high, plus I suppose I also have a high metabolism thanks to having a fair share of functional muscle. And then again, I was majoring in Sports Medicine, Professional Coaching being only my minor, if I failed it, I wouldn’t care as much... probably.

As I rushed out of class to the lunch hall my stomach started growling at me.

Walking into the lunch hall I instantly spotted Hoseok and Hyunwoo seated at the table already stuffing their faces. Hyungwon was not there yet. I decided to drop my bag and jacket before I went to get my food.

“What’s up, guys?” I greeted them dropping my stuff onto the chair next to Hyunwoo. “Where’s Hyungwon?” I looked accusingly at Hoseok.

“In the line,” he replied with his mouth full pointing at the line for lunch. I nodded and headed his way.

I looked at the line, Hyungwon stood roughly in the middle so I decided to cut in. I was too hungry to think about how others might swear at me.

“Hyuuungwooonnieee,” I call out in a sing-song voice startling him as he was very interested in something on his phone. He slowly looks up acknowledging me a puts his arm around my shoulder when I came to stand next to him.

“Hey,” his eyes are glued back to his phone. I had to admit that I was ridiculously happy for Hoseok that he’d met someone like this. Not only that we instantly clicked even though we have met just at the beginning of September, but he was also a really great guy. Smart with a good sense of humor; compassionate with a sense of justice; loving, kind and simply put, everything Hoseok deserved. And tall and handsome, I mean _really_ handsome.

When Hyungwon and I got our food we made our way to the table, where surprisingly Hyunwoo and Hoseok were still stuffing their faces. _Just how much food did they get again?_

I sat down at my chair and just as I was about to dig in I noticed my best friends Kihyun and Minhyuk walking in my general direction but not looking at me.

Kihyun and Minhyuk were my high school friends - for 4 years we went to the same class and sat next to each other in rotations. The class teacher’s effort to keep us separated or occupied fell short of our mischievous ideas to spice up a boring school day. We had some crazy memories and events that even our grandchildren would have their mouth gaping open at what their favorite grandpas and granny did. Those were some days…

If no one has guessed by now, I had more friends that were boys than girls. I just grew up with boys and never really cared about the girl stuff as much. Yes, I’ve had boyfriends (2 to be precise), both of them had been swimmers and none really minded this “boyish” side of me. Needless to say Kihyun, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo hated both of them.

I put my hands to my mouth to amplify the shout, “Mooooommyyyyy!”

Kihyun’s head whips around, his body following not 100% sure from where the sound is coming from in the noise mess hall, so I shout again. He spots me then and nudges Minhyuk with his elbow and points with his chin towards me. Both of them start walking my way.

“Who’s that?” Hoseok asked with his mouth full of noodles a little worried about new people since Hyungwon was kind of a shy guy and didn’t really sit well with new people until he was comfortable with them. When he got comfortable then he was the sweetest, sleepiest guy ever. I adored the hell out him.

“They’re my friends from high school. Don’t worry, they’re cool.” I winked at Hyunwoo. “Especially Kihyun, am I right?”

“Shut up,” he told me but his cheeks were already flushing. I smiled at his flustered state and turned to greet the two guys that just approached.

“Hey-yo,” Minhyuk greeted me and sat next me smiling like he always does. He is such a sunshine. At this point Hyungwon looked up at the new people and nodded his head to acknowledge them just to look back at his phone.

“Guys, this is Hoseok”, I pointed to the built diver, “And this is Hyungwon, his boyfriend.”

“Hi, I’m Yoo Kihyun,” he smiles friendly, his eyes forming into crescents. Hyunwoo’s sigh next to me inaudible to people, who didn’t know about his crush.

“I’m Minhyuk. Heard a lot about you guys,” smiled at Hyungwon and Hoseok. Hearing Minhyuk’s ever-cheerful voice Hyungwon looks up and becomes interested. _I knew it!_ Minhyuk always got to the hearts of people so fast with his never-ending string of happy energy. He loved to ‘annoy’ everyone, but everyone loved to feel ‘annoyed’ by him. Even though no one, not a single person, has ever been willing to admit to that, because everyone knew that would just give Min way more control over them that people around him could handle. It was kind of like a mutual understanding of all of Minhyuk’s friends. And he had MANY!

“You did?” Hoseok lets out surprised.

“Yeah, Hanna talks about you guys a lot.” Then Min puts on his sassy face and imitates my voice badly. Really badly. “ _Like you guys are so cute together._ ”

“I never said it like that.” My defensive state causes a little laughter around the table and I realize it’s pointless. I am the joke here. _WHATEVER, Minhyuk. Just you wait!_

“Oh, Jooheon and Changkyun are joining us as well,” Hyungwon says after he looked up from the new message on his phone.

And literally just 20ish seconds later 2 more guys appear at our table greeting Hyungwon and Hoseok and then introducing themselves to the rest of us.

“Hi, I’m Lee Jooheon. I study Music Production with Hyungwon,” says the guy with ridiculously cute dimples.

“I’m Im Changkyun. Major Music Production too, minor in Sound Engineering,” the other one says courtly in a deep voice. _Now that voice would sound amazing as a rapper._ The thought coming to me was so random since I tended to listen to rap when in meet mode for the hype up.

“Hi, my name is Son Hyunwoo and I study Sports Education. I swim for the university team,” Hyunwoo introduced himself briefly in his very own special way. Says nothing more, nothing less.

“I’m Yoo Kihyun, double-major in Professional Nutrition and Food Chemistry. I’m Hanna’s and Minhyuk’s friend from high school.”

“Lee Minhyuk, currently slightly failing Fine Arts because I’m just not a cookie cutter kind of painter and they hate it,” he shrugs it off and my turn comes around.

“And I’m Kang Hanna, major in Sports Medicine and minor in Professional Coaching. I also swim for the uni team.” I start and then look around the table. “Wait… I’m the only girl here.”

“Are you though?” Minhyuk asks with _a tone_ to his voice.

“Am I what?” I ask back not knowing what he means.

“A girl. Are you?”

That earned a loud laughter from Kihyun, Hyunwoo and Hoseok, who knew me well and Changkyun, Jooheon and Hyungwon just shyly laugh under their breaths.

“I mean he’s got a point there,” Hyunwoo says pragmatically.

“Hyunwoo… if I were you, I’d shut up. Because I definitely know things you do not want me to share at this table,” I turn to look at Kihyun at the end of my sentence. “Also Ki…”

“What the HELL?! Shut up, Hanna!” Hyunwoo interrupts me abruptly.

“What?” pretending not to know why he did that. “I was going to ask him why he wasn’t at Sports Nutrition 101 today. I really needed that homework.”

“You should do your own homework,” he scolds me. And I shrug it off.

“Hyungwon, how’d you meet these guys? They’re fun!” Jooheon asks.

“They’re Hoseok’s friends.”

“How did you guys meet?” Changkyun asks.

“Hyunwoo, Hanna and I used to swim together before I started diving and even after that we still went to the same pool, so we met a lot even though we went to different schools. Then at the beginning of September we met at the pool here again. Swimming brings people together,” Hoseok explained.

The rest of the lunch we spent getting acquainted. I found out that Changkyun and Jooheon are childhood friends with Hyungwon and have been there when Hoseok and Hyungwon were starting to date and so I begged them to share some stories. Especially the more embarrassing the better. They agreed to share soon.

That night Minhyuk created a group chat for our new group of 8. Being the Minhyuk he is, he named it **[Free Wi-Fi]**. I hoped he was going to explain why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you like the story so far? I know there’s not much yet, but somehow I am getting a feeling these guys will make a good group of friends :) hihi  
> please come back for more chapters :)  
> also, most chapters will be about 3k words :)
> 
> if you want to know more about the swimmer’s life grind check out these videos on YT:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g3YO0-R4qk&list=FL3Ib8kecmBO0ScaTe91N0kw&index=3&t=0s  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzm6TEManmQ&list=FL3Ib8kecmBO0ScaTe91N0kw&index=1  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_OBGNDbi34&list=FL3Ib8kecmBO0ScaTe91N0kw&index=13  
> they might give you a little bit more insight as to who Hanna is as a person and what formed her character
> 
> swimming terminology used:  
> *numbers like 300 means meters, which in a short pool in 12 lenghts  
> *meet = competition


	2. Group study

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to chapter 2! The group is starting to get to know each other pretty well and joking becomes more comfortable and more brutal. Some jokes are inspired by my group of friends. Hope you enjoy the new chapter :)

~ **[Free Wi-Fi]** chat room~

Lee Minhyuk has created a group chat.

Lee Minhyuk changed the name of the group chat to **[Free Wi-Fi]**.

Lee Minhyuk changed their name to _MinMin_.

MinMin added Yoo Kihyun.

MinMin changed Yoo Kihyun’s name to _not_my_mom_.

MinMin added Son Hyunwoo.

MinMin changed Son Hyunwoo’s name to _Hungry Bear_.

MinMin added Kang Hanna.

MinMin changed Kang Hanna’s name to _girl(?)_.

MinMin added Lee Hoseok.

MinMin changed Lee Hoseok’s name to _happybunny_.

MinMin added Chae Hyungwon.

MinMin changed Chae Hyungwon’s name to _happybunny’s_sleep_till_i_die_.

MinMin added Lee Jooheon.

MinMin changed Lee Jooheon’s name to _SweetLikeHoney_.

MinMin added Im Changkyun.

MinMin changed Im Changkyun’s name to _he-is-what-he-is_.

**[not_my_mom]:** wth Min?!

not_my_mom changed MinMin’s name to _FU Minhyuk!!!_

**[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : what? I thought it was funny :D :D

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]:** you nag

 **[girl(?)]:** minhyuk, u piece of crap

 **[girl(?)]:** y r u questioning my gender?????

 **[girl(?)]:** also ki, thanks. the name is perfect for him rn

 **[not_my_mom]:** my pleasure

 **[he-is-what-he-is]:** thought the nots would nvr stop comin…

 **[happybunny]:** youre really fast with this kinda stuff min

 **[not_my_mom]:** no, he’s just insanely bored

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]:** am not bored. just a socialite. i like keeping in touch with ppl.

 **[happybunny’s_sleep_till_i_die]:** why is my name so long..

 **[happybunny]:** I like it :)

happybunny’s_sleep_till_i_die changed their name to _Won_.

**[happybunny]:** :(((

Won changed their name to _happybunny’s Won_.

**[happybunny’s Won]:** better?

 **[happybunny]:** better ^-^

 **[he-is-what-he-is]:** can u guys, meaning u hoseok, pls stop doing it in yet another grp chat?????

 **[happybunny]:**????

 **[SweetLikeHoney]:** he means all this mushy touchy feely kinda lovey dovey shit… pls dont do it here too… we just met these people…

 **[Hungry Bear]:** I don’t mind.

 **[Hungry Bear]:** I find it cute.

 **[girl(?)]:** no u just wish it was u…

 **[Hungry Bear]:** also, kihyun, do you have to use swear words?

 **[Hungry Bear]:** hanna, shut up!

 **[happybunny]:** nu? what is she talking abt?

 **[Hungry Bear]:** nothing. leave it.

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]:** but hyunwoo, it’s such a great storyyyyy!!!

 **[Hungry Bear]:** You know what. I take it back. The name suits you, Minhyuk.

 **[girl(?)]:** ahahahahahahahhahahaha

 **[Hungry Bear]:** Good job, Kihyun.

 **[happybunny]:** lol, u lost min

 **[happybunny’s Won]:** :DDD

 **[SweetLikeHoney]:** lol, I rly like u guys

 **[he-is-what-he-is]:** can i ask a question tho?

 **[not_my_mom]:** thanks Hyunwoo

 **[not_my_mom]:** …

 **[not_my_mom]:** ask away

 **[he-is-what-he-is]:** why is the name of the group chat free wifi

 **[girl(?)]:** *also interested*

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]:** i first wanted to name it **[The Core Four and Charlie’s Angels + a girl(?)]**

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]:** but that felt a little too long

 **[girl(?)]:** …

 **[not_my_mom]:** Minhyuk…

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]:** yea?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]:** i didnt take u for someone who enjoys pain

**~MID-SEMESTER (PRE)EXAM PERIOD - MID NOVEMBER - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

These days were all the same. Wake up, water, eat, lecture, eat, lecture, dryland, water, eat, study, barely sleep. And repeat. And repeat. I was starting to get into the next stage of ‘I’m seriously quitting swimming’. I usually had these at least once a year. Sometimes twice a month though. But this time I was just so fed up with the coach. I just started university swimming and mind you, I was pretty good. On a national level pretty good. As a distance swimmer I’ve put long and painful hours into swimming; I dedicated it my whole childhood and teenage years (yes, I did go out and party and do stupid things, but maybe not as much as other kids…) but I never minded the sacrifices because in my mind they were worth it. These stages were triggered by stupid things that come up in a life of a swimmer, like lack of sleep, burning out, hunger and of course lack of any energy to do anything in your free time other than sleep - in case you have said free time.

But I have always had the thought that most professional athletes or at least people who took the sport they were doing seriously were like this. I would usually relay my worries and thoughts onto Hyunwoo or Kihyun but with the mid-semester exams coming both of them were studying hard - usually together but they would never freaking admit that. Minhyuk and I talked about that a lot these days. Even today.

**~Private chat** between users _failing fine arts_ and _walking chlorine~_

 **[failing fine arts]** : I hate study weeks…

 **[failing fine arts]** : like what is more boring that having to study why you should hold your pencil the correct way?????????????

 **[failing fine arts]** : what is the correct way anyway??????????

 **[failing fine arts]** : I dont even use pencils for my paintings -_-‘

 **[walking chlorine]** : duuuude, tell me about it

 **[walking chlorine]** : r u in lib tho?

 **[walking chlorine]** : cause im heading there rn

 **[failing fine arts]** : yea im here w ki and hyunwoo

 **[failing fine arts]** : both came early today ^^

 **[failing fine arts]** : and theyre sittin next to each other prettyyyy close

 **[failing fine arts]** : so not suspicious lol

 **[walking chlorine]** : yea they should just start dating man

 **[walking chlorine]** : which floor?

 **[failing fine arts]** : truer words have never been spoken sister

 **[failing fine arts]** : 2nd group study

 **[failing fine arts]** : at the window in the back

 **[failing fine arts]** :big table

 **[failing fine arts]** : others r coming too

“Sup,” I said when I approached the table Minhyuk, Kihyun and Hyunwoo were sitting. When Hyunwoo noticed me he pulled away from Kihyun and emptied a chair next to him to go sit opposite. “Where’re you going? Go back next to Ki. I don’t wanna sit next to him.”

Hyunwoo sat back into his previous spot looking just a little happier. There was this kind of a gleaming aura around him and Kihyun. Both happy they could sit next to each other. Minhyuk shot me a glance we both could relate to and sighed deeply.

I sat next to Minhyuk and took out my books and notes to get down to business. I already felt like I’m definitely going to fall asleep in the library today.

About half hour later after I joined the “Charlie’s Angels” (still could not get over that) “The Core Four” minus Hoseok appeared. They greeted us and sat down at the big table with us.

“Where’s Hoseok?” Kihyun asked Hyungwon.

“Getting snacks.”

“Of course he is,” Hyunwoo sighs but we all know he is internally happy someone will also bring snacks since I know he’d eaten all of his already.

Changkyun, who sat next to me turned my book to him. “Dude, why do you carry a gravestone with you?”

I look at the book he was looking at and reply nonchalantly. “Oh, that’s Sports Medicine 101. And these,” I point to a big folder full of notes, “are my note for the past half semester.”

Changkyun started to look around me. “Where’s your trolley?”

We laughed at that and I noticed how cool the deep voiced laughter sounds. There was something intriguing about it. Something enticing, alluring but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the what and why.

Around lunch time (I think) I fell asleep on my notes. Morning practice completely drained me from any kind of life. When I woke up there was no one at the table but all of their things expect student cards, wallet and phones remained where they left them. _Those idiots went to have lunch without me._ I sighed, deeply frustrated because them going and leaving all the stuff here meant that I could not leave now and I was in desperate, and I mean _desperate_ need of caffeine. And also when they finally get back I’ll have to go eat lunch alone…

I picked up my notes and decided it would be for the best if I just study rather than wait and spend my time laughing on memes I find on instagram, which I have been doing all day yesterday anyway. And sure enough, about half-hour later I hear the unmistakable laugh of Lee Minhyuk followed by Lee Hoseok. When the 7 guys approached the table I was ready to rain down with all of my hunger reason spite that they didn’t wake me up to go for lunch with them.

“Well thanks for the lunch guys. Great times, really enjoy spending time with you,” I said bitterly when they came back.

“You were sleeping. I wouldn’t want to be woken up,” shrugged Hyungwon.

“That’s not a good reason,” I shook my head.

“You looked really peaceful though,” Wonnie shrugged again.

“Still not a good reason. Imma get food.”

And I walked out. I mean, I’m a hungry swimmer that’s running on lack of sleep and boosted by caffeine, which I am a couple of doses behind. Those are all the reasons that allow me to snap.

As I was eating I realized a pretty interesting thing. The 8 of us have been friends for about a month but we clicked. All of us. And I’m so happy I got to meet Jooheon and Changkyun that day because I do feel like my life would have been so much emptier without these 7 great guys. I love how friendly and familiar they are with each other and how things that resemble real brother-to-brother relationship come so naturally for them. Even like Min and Jooheon, who know each other for said month, are so close nobody would ever guess they aren’t friends from childhood. Changkyun and Hyunwoo are the same, but I’m getting a big-brother-small-brother kinda vibe from them.

There are times when I envy them for being guys. I am the only girl and even though I have been told many times I don’t act like one, there is still that feeling that I am one.

A notification goes off on my phone.

**~Private chat** between users _I.M_ and _walking chlorine~_

 **[I.M]** : sorry :/

 **[walking chlorine]** : for what?

 **[I.M]** : that we went for lunch without you

 **[I.M]** : but no one wanted to wake you up

 **[walking chlorine]** : it’s fine

 **[walking chlorine]** : leave it…

 **[I.M]** : you sure?

 **[walking chlorine]** : yeap, dw…

~ **[Free Wi-Fi]** chat room~

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : coast is clear guys ^-^

 **[girl(?)]** : ummm, r u sure wanted to send it to this group chat?

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : oh shit

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : …

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : wrong chat

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : good job mate

 **[happybunny]** : really good job kyunnie

 **[girl(?)]** : u know what?

 **[girl(?)]** : on a normal day I would

 **[girl(?)]** : but today im not gonna

 **[not_my_mom]** : are you okay?

 **[not_my_mom]** : is everything alright?

 **[girl(?)]** : peachy

 **[happybunny]** : ???what is wrong???

 **[happybunny]** : and if you say nothing then…

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : then we should leave her alone and feed her chocolate

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : and other stuff she wants to eat

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : that’s what my older sister told me…

 **[girl(?)]** : ….

 **[girl(?)]** : Minhyuk wtf?

 **[girl(?)]** : I dont even like chocolate

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : r u tho?

 **[girl(?)]** : ???

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : r u even a girl tho?

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : Lee Jooheon…

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : I didn’t take you for someone who enjoys pain.

 **[girl(?)]** : lol thanks wonnie ^_^

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : touche hahaha

 **[girl(?)]** : also why are you guys questioning my gender? AGAIN?????

 **[happybunny]** : isn’t he the best? <3

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : pls not here guys -_-

 **[not_my_mom]** : yeah, get a room.

he-is-what-he-is changed girl(?)’s name to _the.girl_.

**[he-is-what-he-is]** : feel better, shortie?

 **[the.girl]** : yeah, thanks…

 **[the.girl]** : I just have 2 things left that bother me…

 **[Hungry Bear]** : whats up

 **[happybunny]** : what’s bothering you?

 **[the.girl]** : you guys have a chat without me????

 **[not_my_mom]** : …

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : …

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : ummm

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : u wouldnt want to be in that chat

 **[the.girl]** : y? u share porn links there or smth?

 **[happybunny]** : …

 **[Hungry Bear]** : heh

 **[not_my_mom]** : i told you

 **[not_my_mom]** : min you owe me money

 **[not_my_mom]** : LOL

 **[not_my_mom]** : thanks Hanna <3

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : how in the world did you find out????!!!!

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : also kihyun I dont owe you shit

 **[happybunny]** : you owe him a 20

 **[happybunny]** : want me to screenshot it?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : seriously tho? how’d u know?

 **[the.girl]** : im not 5 yo…

 **[the.girl]** : also not as innocent as u might think…

 **[the.girl]** : and do hoseok and hyungwon share porn there too??

 **[Hungry Bear]** : let’s skip this

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : why????? I wanna know!

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : about the innocence thing

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : not the porn thing that has nothing to do w this

 **[Hungry Bear]** : because that guy makes me want to kill him!

 **[not_my_mom]** : yeah, let’s not

 **[happybunny]** : whats his name a social security number?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : no

 **[Hungry Bear]** : what was the second thing that was bothering you hanna?

 **[the.girl]** : heh

 **[the.girl]** : changkyun when have u ever met a girl that said “its fine” “leave it” and “dw abt it”

 **[the.girl]** : and she was actually letting it go???

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : guys…

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i think i fcked up

“Ya think?” I smiled at my phone in the cafeteria finishing my lunch to go join them again in the library. Another notification lit up my phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think? Do you like the chatting format telling the story too? What about the group chat without Hanna? :D  
> In the next chapter Hyunwoo and Hanna swim at The Winter Championship with a cameo of an old friend of Hanna's.


	3. The Winter Championships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo, welcome back to chapter 3. Please stream FANTASIA when you can! Hope you enjoy the chapter! :)  
> *swimming slang/terminology used:  
> meet - the whole competition  
> event/race - it a particular race during the meet, e.g. 200m breaststroke  
> numbers such as 200, 1500 etc. stand for meters  
> fly - butterfly, back - backstroke, breast - breaststroke, free - freestyle   
> pacing 100s - swimming several 100m distance in the pace you would swim in a long distance event such as 1500 freestyle  
> heat - every event has multiple heats in which swimmer compete (eg. event has 40 people swimming, 8 lanes in the pool, 1 person per lane, therefore there will be 5 heats, the last being the fastest)   
> knee skin/tech suit/fast skin - racing swimsuit that is long down to the knees and very tight to compress the body to make it more hydrodynamic

**~Private chat** between users _mama shark_ and _baby shark_.~

 **[mama shark]** : Hanna what happened?

 **[mama shark]** : you know you can tell me, right?

 **[baby shark]** : it’s nothing really serious Ki

 **[baby shark]** : but thanks for caring

 **[baby shark]** : as always

 **[baby shark]** : youre the best <3

 **[mama shark]** : you can always tell me everything

 **[mama shark]** : you know that right?

 **[baby shark]** : I’ll tell you

 **[baby shark]** : but just not now and not today I guess

 **[mama shark]** : anytime you’re ready, I’ll listen <3

 **[mama shark]** : are you on your way back? did you eat well?

 **[baby shark]** : on my way mom, dw :D :D

**~2 WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

Finally the last meet of the winter season. Hyunwoo and I have been working out asses off for this 3 days-long meet. The winter championship in short course tends to be the most stressful and hectic event of the year, for students in particular. Not only the practices are getting tougher, but also exams and essays are piling because of incoming deadlines. I have been looking forward to this meet for a while now. Multiple reasons. Number 1: the guys are coming to cheer us up on Friday and maybe Sunday; number 2: I’ll finally meet my old teammates and friends from other teams who have gone to other universities. I haven’t seen some them since the end of summer, which is like half a year now. And I super miss them. I have met a couple of them for parties over summer or at the rave festivals I went to that Kihyun hated and Minhyuk kept getting lost at. _Fun times._

Waking up in the morning pretty early again because of winter public transport made me reconsider my life choices again, but lack of sleep will be solved in the coming weeks thanks to Christmas break and de-load training that is usually scheduled after the championships.

Hyunwoo and I agreed to meet at the entrance to my dorm since it was on his way to the competition pool. We were both silent on our way, sharing only a couple of words. I knew he was concentrating on his events and already thinking about them. He’s always been like this - very concentrated on the task ahead, focused on doing the best he can and improving in every sphere he possibly can improve in. I admired him for that. He never once thought about giving up and kept going no matter what. He knew what his dream was and did everything in his abilities to get there. Role model, that’s what I would call him.

Arriving at the pool was probably the best and most horrible feeling ever. All athletes would understand my feelings I think. Like it’s a mixture of excitement to be competing again, to meet your friends but on the other hand there is a deep rooted worry about the times you’re gonna swim and if you’ve gotten any better or you’ve overshot in the training process (which might happen when you train with new coach, but it can happen with the old one too) and now your body is drained and will just not perform well. There are so many variables that make me scared and feel under-prepared. But one thing that always makes me feel better is knowing I’m not alone in this shit.

“You alright?” I asked Hyunwoo just before we entered because he halted and looked a little unsure about himself.

“Yeah. Fine.”

_Not fine._

“Listen, Hyunwoo.” He looked at me when I pulled at his elbow. “I know that many times you have felt like a failure because you didn’t make your times and win awards. You worked so hard, don’t knock yourself down, okay? You’re not a failure, just because this time you don’t break the record or win first place today. There is tomorrow and Sunday. And more meets coming up. But you don’t have to worry about that because I know better than anyone how much effort you’ve poured into this and know the times you swim. You and you alone have the best chance to break the national record, to be the best. And I’m going to be there every single second. And if you need me to breathe for you, I fucking will. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said in a small voice. “But…”

“Now let’s go. It’s cold.”

The 6 arrived after warm up which has been a rather eventful roller coaster of meeting friends in the pool and outside of it, among trying to swim a decent warm up of at least 1500 plus some pacing 100s. I knew it would be a rough half day having a 100 medley race, which I only took as a warm up event before my main event - 1500 freestyle. Being a long distance swimmer was draining not only in training load but also patience since long distance events were always the last in the half day. Either while everyone was eating lunch or when everyone has already gone home. These were also the events that always had the least people watching for the reasons previously stated and also because others just thought it was boring. _Well, FU!_

~ **[Free Wi-Fi]** chat room~

 **[happybunny]** : where are you guys sitting?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : I’m with the team

 **[Hungry Bear]** : look for the university colors

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : hanna?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : changing I think

 **[Hungry Bear]** : but she could be talking to some of our old friends

 **[Hungry Bear]** : or friends from other teams

 **[Hungry Bear]** : at the pool she’s kinda like minhyuk

 **[not_my_mom]** : hyunwoo, stop being nervous.

 **[Hungry Bear]** : how did you know?

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : because you only talk a lot when youre nervous

 **[happybunny]** : I see you, we’re coming

I read the messages while waiting for Hyeri to finish changing.

“So, how’s uni treating you?” she asked me.

“It’s kinda good actually, even though I do complain a lot. I have a couple of really good friends.”

“Oh really? Good looking?”

“Yeeaahh,” I drag out appreciatively.

“Oooh. Single?”

“5 out of 7.”

“Mmmm, tell me more.” I love how she was becoming intrigued. She didn’t know what was waiting for her though. Revenge?

“The two taken are dating each other.”

“Oh wow. Are they a cute couple?”

“The cutest and most adorable.”

“What about the others?”

“Well 3 of them you know… it’s Hyunwoo, Kihyun and Minhyuk.”

“Oh my god,” she sighed funnily.

“And well, I do think Jooheon is little bi.”

“So that leaves 1 person who is single and into girls? Or wait is it a girl?”

“Well I never said Jooheon was not into girls. I just think he has a guy he likes. But I don’t think he’s not into girls. And Changkyun….”

“Yes…?”

“Well… he watches a lot of porn.” _Sorry, Changkyun. And sorry, Hyeri. I had to make this one up. LOL, this is going to be a sweet revenge.I'm so sorry!_ “I just don’t know what kinda porn. Could be regular, could be weird, or kinky shit. With Changkyun... you never know, to be honest.”

“Ugh. Well, I’ll at least go check them out. I wanted to say hi to Hyunwoo anyway.”

“Yeah, cool. Let’s go.”

“Does he still have a crush on Kihyun though?”

“Big time.”

The guys were already seated around Hyunwoo when Hyeri and I approached.

“What’s up?” I greeted them and got some nods and greets. “This is Kim Hyeri.”

“Hi, guys,” she smiled. Turning to Hyunwoo, “Hyunwoo, you ready for 200 breast today?”

“Trying to be,” he snickered.

“You’re more ready than ever. Stop it already,” I scolded him and Kihyun punched him into the side of his biceps.

“Wait… Hanna, you didn’t tell me all of your friends are guys. I thought the 2 dating are a girl and a guy.”

“You never asked about the gender of those. You only asked about Changkyun,” I shrugged, my evil plan going along pretty well.

“You asked about me?” Changkyun joined the conversation.

“Why not me?” Jooheon sounded a little hurt.

“Because out of how I walked about you it was obvious you were a guy,” I replied. _Come on, Hyeri. Do it!_

“Good, good,” he nodded.

“So what about me?” Changkyun asked again.

“Ummm, you know I’m not judgemental…”

_YES! Do it!_

“Judgemental about what?”

“You should be able to watch whatever you want, you know. We’re free people.”

“What do you mean, Hyeri?” Changkyun was getting confused.

“A lot of people watch a lot of kinds of porn you know. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m talking about that with people I’ve just met,” she laughed nervously, suddenly embrassed.

“Porn? What porn??” Changkyun looked super shocked. And I had to turn away to keep my smile from exposing me before I wanted it. I also felt Minhyuk kick me under the bleachers. He knew it was me. Looking up at him he was also stifling his smile/laughter.

“You know, the weird kinky kinda shit…” Hyeri said shyly, but already sensing something was off.

At that point it was too much for me. I burst into the best laugh I’ve had in the past 2 weeks and Minhyuk joined me a split second later. Kihyun understood what was happening and tried to laugh like a decent person, not like Min and me (we looked like complete lunatics). Hyungwon and Hoseok both chuckled and Jooheon and Hyunwoo stared not really understanding what was happening in the moment.

And then Hyeri understood too. “You _bitch_!!!”

“I’m… really so-sorry, Hyeri,” I somehow managed to get out of myself while wiping the tears. “Oh, how sweet is this revenge?”

“Revenge for what?” Changkyun was fuming.

“You remember that one time you embarrassed the shit out of in front of that guy in the cafeteria?”

“You said you were fine!” he protested.

“Have you ever seen a girl that would be ‘fine’ with that?” I seriously asked him.

“Seriously, have you ever?” Hyeri joined me. She’s a good friend.

“No.”

“Because there is no girl like that,” she explained to him.

“Now, we’re even.”

“But how did you know to use the porn stuff?” Hoseok seemed curious about my plan.

“Well, you guys do have a chat without me,” I shrugged and smiled with a slight hint of evil.

“Whose phone did you take to check?” Hyungwon now looked like he figured it out and was intrigued too.

“I didn’t need anyone’s phone. Kihyun’s passwords have the lowest security I have ever seen in my whole entire life. Seriously though. Who uses the same password on all of his social media?”

“Only Kihyun,” Minhyuk said still giggling.

Hyunwoo stood up with a heavy sigh. I looked at the pool finding that the 50 back women was just about finish, which meant Hyunwoo was about to go to prep for his race in the last heat of 200 breast.

I looked up at him from my seat. “Hyunwoo, just remember; get to the finals in the afternoon. You don’t need to swim the record now.”

He nodded acknowledging what said and heading off.

“Does he still get so stressed?” Hyeri asked.

“Everytime. I mean, he is SUCH a good swimmer. And I don’t know why he’s very stressed out today. Maybe it’s the back injury he had or just like general. No idea.”

So Hyunwoo ended up getting into the finals. Of course. My 100 medley got me into finals, which was quite unexpected to me since it was only a warm up race to me. 8th place in heats still gets you to finals so yeah. I guess I’ll have to swim in the afternoon too, which is something I didn’t really plan on, but at least there are no real expectations on of it.

Which was worse that now I was in Hyunwoo’s position, well not entirely because I still didn’t have my tech suit on. You normally can barely breathe in it if it’s your size. And I’m not even talking about putting it on. Well, I didn’t really want to.

“Okay, guys I’m off,” I say pulling out my knee skin out of the bag along with my goggles and team cap.

“Where?” Hoseok questioned me. “The men’s 1500 hasn’t even started yet.

“Yeah. I have like 40 minutes.”

“So why are you going so early?”Jooheon asked.

“You know it takes me anywhere from 15 to 25 minutes to put on a knee skin depends whether I put it on alone or I have help. And when I finally get it over my hips, I’m saved.”

“Why? Did you gain weight?” Changkyun had the audacity to bring it up. I’ve heard this one from my non-swimming friends, I don’t know, like a million times.

“No. A tech suit or a knee skin should be 2 sizes smaller from your practice suit, because of compression. But I wouldn’t expect a sound engineer to understand that.”

“Hey,” Ki caught my attention, knowing I get snappy to the point of mean only when I’m nervous or drunk and irritated. “Don’t be nervous you’re going to be okay.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “But unlike Hyunwoo I don’t have another chance in the afternoon, you know. Long distance at meets like these do results by heats to times; not heats to finals.”

“We’re here cheering for you,” Hyungwon offered me high five and the rest joined.

“Good luck.” Hyunwoo cheered me up in his own word-sparing way. I smiled at my childhood friend and walked off. I couldn’t have asked for more supporting friends to get me through university.

And then, it only took me 24 minutes to put the fast skin on since I’d had to do it on my own. I missed times when I had teammates that also swam long distance and we could help each other put the suit on, forcing hands into various parts of the suit, usually pinching the skin too.

And then, there is the struggle of that every time (even when you go before) you need to go to the bathroom right after you put it on after a 20 minute fight or just before you take your clothes off before the block.

And of course, now that I’m warming up at the prep station when the 1st heat is swimming (I’m in 3rd) I need to go to the bathroom. I swear. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

<A/N: having a POV of Hanna swimming wouldn’t be very interesting for you, because out of experience no one I know (me including) really thinks about much else than counting laps and strokes and checking signals from your coach tbh, some people sing to themselves (me including); so here’s Changkyun’s POV. ^_^ >

~Changkyun POV~

When Hanna left to put the suit on, which he didn’t really understand how it could take from 15 to 25 minutes but he guessed it would be a girl thing.

“Hyunwoo, does it really take that long to put it on?” Changkyun asked Hyunwoo, who finally looked relaxed after getting into finals but was also stressed about getting into finals. He got in in 3rd place, but said he didn’t swim his best race, leaving some oil to put into the fire in the afternoon finals.

“Well, it takes me about 12 to 15 and I don’t have the top part,” Hyunwoo showed his tech suit to Changkyun. “This one has carbon fibers in the material to make it stronger at help with the compression.”

“Wow,” Kihyun took it from Hyunwoo. “You also looked pretty good in it. This neon green suits you, you know.”

Changkyun noticed Hyunwoo looking away, probably blushing. He knew them for about 3 months but since the first time he met them he knew there was some kind of tension between the two. Had there been something before or they are just going to have something later. Changkyun had asked Hoseok before but haven’t gotten a clear answer, Hoseok just brushed it under the carpet.

Minhyuk put one arm around Jooheon’s shoulder and started singing pretty well, to Changkyun’s surprise. “Kihyun and Hyunwoo sitting in the tree…k-i-s…” and at that point Hyunwoo threw his wet cap at him and hitting bull’s eye on the face splattering remaining water around.

Hanna’s heat came and the announcer was calling each lane’s swimmer by the name.

“In lane four Kang Hanna, swimming for Golden Seals.”

And to everybody’s surprise, except Hyunwoo, she did a double seal clap, imitating the way seals clap their fins. Changkyun considered it ridiculously cute and Minhyuk made an ‘awww’ sound.

“Why didn’t you do that?” Hoseok asked Hyunwoo laughing.

“The girls of the team came up with that. Most of the guys don’t do it.”

“Well, you should” Hyungwon laughed. Changkyun imagined someone of Hyunwoo’s height and build doing that and laughed at the image with Hyungwon slapping him on his shoulder.

3 whistles came and then a long one. After spending half a day at the pool Changkyun already knew the signals. The swimmers got onto the blocks.

“Take your marks.” _BEEP._ And they jumped.

Just like before when cheering on Hyunwoo when they took Hanna’s initiative to properly cheer all 6 of them they were ready to cheer on Hanna. But Hyunwoo did nothing.

“Why aren’t you cheering?” Changkyun was curios.

He was surprised a little when it was Kihyun, who answered him. “1500 is the longest race swam in the pool. It can take her about 17 minutes. So most of the race people are calm and unless there is a gruesome race of will power, then at the end most people cheer. If you notice not a whole lot of people are here anyway.” That was the first time Changkyun took a look around in a while. Kihyun was right. A lot of people had gone away.

“Why are so many people gone?”

This time Hyunwoo took to explain. “Long distance is always around lunch time or at the very end of the day. People tend to not stay and a lot of people think it’s not as interesting to watch as the shorter races. But I like watching it. I had to swim it once when I was about 12 because the coach just wanted to check how it would go and honestly it’s a pretty difficult race. It takes someone with a very strong will power to go on for that long and to finish it properly. There’s also a lot of strategy involved in how to schedule your energy expenditure and stuff. And to know all that you have to just keep swimming the race again and again to find your perfect balance. The practices are also longer than short distance swimmers would have them. It’s not easy; I kinda wish people would appreciate it more. It takes a lot to be a long distance swimmer. On the other hand, had Hanna not been swimming I would have been at lunch too.”

They have been watching Hanna swim for about 15 minutes now, everyone paying attention after what Hyunwoo said about it being difficult. Especially Changkyun has been watching closely. He wanted to support his friend well. Just like with Hyunwoo, Minhyuk and Kihyun, he only knew Hanna for about 3 months but he found in her something he hasn’t found in his other friends. She was quick-witted and had a good sense of humor that went really well with his own; on the other hand she was a good listener when someone needed to talk and wasn’t quick to make judgments but could ruin you with a single comment for at least a week if not until the rest of your life. She wasn’t like girls he’d met before, who swooned before guys and knew the difference between shades of pink that just looked like… well, pink. She became a friend he wanted to share his music and rap with and knew he would get a relevant feedback. She became a really good friend. Not a best friend yet, but was well on the way there.

The first whistle sounded from one of the officials above lane four and according to Hyunwoo is was the signal for the swimmer that it was their last lap, the counter on the opposite side of the pool finally showed 1 (showing 59 at the beginning).

Hyunwoo finally stood up and took his small red towel and started waving it at Hanna when she turned their way to breath. The rest did the same. Changkyn thought it was thrilling to see Hyunwoo so excited for something and he hoped he would see the same of his friends in 7 days. He hadn’t told them yet, because he wanted Hyunwoo and Hanna to concentrate on their meet. But he’s going to tell them on Monday.

Hanna was about 10 meter to finish and the whole Golden Seal team was already shouting chants and excitedly cheering on the girl. She touched the wall first and looked up at the time board. Changkyun thought he has never seen a more raw portrayal of happiness than at that point in his life. Both hands in the air she screamed, “YEEEEEAAAASSSS!!!!” And so did the 7 guys.

~Back to Hanna POV~

The Winter Championships have been very successful for both Hyunwoo and me. Hyunwoo got his national record for 200 breast on Friday, which made him as excited as ever, claiming that as soon as the Sunday race was finished he would start drinking to celebrate. On Saturday he got another first for 100 breast and silver for 200 medley, but he was very unhappy with his times as he didn’t reach his personal bests. Sunday was a short racing day for Hyunwoo with only 50 breast and 50 fly. In the latter he didn’t make it to the finals and in the former he got silver, probably due to nerves his start reaction was just a couple hundredths slower that his opponent Yoon Jaemin’s. But that’s swimming. We decide results in hundredths of seconds. Even one can cost you an Olympic gold.

As for me, I won the 1500 free in a personal best that got me qualified for the World Cup University semi-finals in Beijing; won 800 free and the dreaded 400 free that I hated more than any other race, because what the hell is that even. You can’t make a strategy because it’s too short but to sprint the whole race is also impossible because it’s too long. _Like WTF?!_ Anyways, other races were not important so I didn’t really give much weight to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Hanna has a vengeful streak inside of her and never forgoes a chance to jab at her friends, who aren’t innocent in it either tbh, more will be revealed in future chapters. What about the part with Changkyun's POV? What do you think?
> 
> If you want to know what I mean by ‘one hundredth can cost you and Olympic gold’ go to Google and search for ‘Michael Phelps Milorad Cavic Beijing’ and it will show you images of one hundredth of a second. As a swimmer that very 0.01 is so valid.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter and please come back next time to find out about Changkyun's first rap battle night! Have a nice day :)


	4. I am what I am, man...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, ciao and welcome to a new chapter in which Kyun has his first rap battle and other interesting events happen. :) :3  
> We are now almost 2 weeks into FANTASIA promotions, please let's keep on going for that next win! And keep streaming when you have time please! ^_^

**~MONDAY AFTER THE WINTER CHAMPIONSHIP - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

Usually I dreaded Mondays, but this one was pretty good. Hyunwoo had a massive hangover and missed his morning classes only coming to lunch upon Changkyun’s request from the group chat, which I have no idea how he even woke up to read it, but oh well. He was adorable. Trying to keep his stomach from throwing up the tea he was sipping and the clear soup broth he begged the lunch lady to give him. I guess she took pity on him. Don’t get me wrong, so would I. He looked like a sock eaten by a dog that later decided to throw it up. I chuckled at the sight of him. Feeling bad for my friend, but then maybe he’s not going to drink as much next time.

On the other side of the table, sitting next to me, was yet another sock. This one though… he was eaten, thrown up, eaten again and thrown up again. You could rarely see Yoo Kihyun without makeup and hair styled to whatever was his current favorite hairstyle. Like you probably had to be standing next to him when he wakes up to not see him perfectly styled and even then I would still kinda doubt it. I think he sleeps perfectly styled.

Hyunwoo and Kihyun went out drinking together on Sunday after the meet, since only Ki and Jooheon had the time to come cheer on us. Jooheon had to leave early to and I didn’t feel like drinking. I just wanted to go home and sleep. The winter season was over and de-load training would begin on Monday with no morning practice. And that is another reason why swimmers love Christmas -> de-load.

Minhyuk was held by his art class teacher, so he was joining us later and Hoseok and Hyungwon were standing in the queue to get food when Jooheon and Changkyun sat down at the table.

The two looked like they were arguing.

“Why can’t you take constructive criticism?” Jooheon asked annoyed. Like really annoyed.

“I only take credit cards,” he brushed it off.

“Wow… only Changkyun.” And I fell speechless. And so did Jooheon, but the atmosphere was still tense between them.

At last everyone was sitting at the table when Changkyun spoke. “Hyunwoo, Kihyun are you registering me?” Both nodded but didn’t look like they did. _Man, they must have gotten hammered worse than I thought._ “Guys, I hope this Friday night you didn’t have any plans. And if you did, cancel them.”

“Why?” Minhyuk asks.

“I wanted to tell you before, but Hanna and Hyunwoo have been prepping so hard for the champs that I didn’t want to disturb them. But you guys know I have been working on some music, but I have also been working on some lyrics. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it or anything I just don’t think I’m that good so yeah. Anyway, on Friday I am going to do my first underground rap battle round in this club that is called RapGround and I would fucking die if all you guys could come,” he talked slowly as if he was unsure about our reaction.

Min’s reaction was gold though. “Im Changkyun, you little bitch! How could you not tell us? Why didn’t you tell us? We could’ve supported you all along!”

“Min, why are you so sensitive? Are you on your period?” I asked genuinely curious.

“Or did you just forget to take your meds in the morning?” Changkyun caught onto my line, which brought smiles to Hyungwon, Hoseok and Jooheon.

Minhyuk just fumed a bit but didn’t say anything. Something must’ve happened for him to be this touchy. _I’ll ask him later._

“But seriously. Will you come?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun sighed and put his head onto the table.

**~Private chat** between users _failing fine arts_ and _walking chlorine~_

 **[walking chlorine]** : hey min

 **[walking chlorine]** : what’s going on?

 **[walking chlorine]** : u were a little touchier than usual

 **[failing fine arts]** : u noticed

 **[failing fine arts]** : sorry

 **[failing fine arts]** : it was more things combined i think

 **[walking chlorine]** : listening

 **[failing fine arts]** : imma try to put it into one msg

 **[failing fine arts]** : wait

 **[walking chlorine]** : k

 **[failing fine arts]** : so i woke up in the morning already feeling pretty shitty from sunday, I met w a girl from my class for a date, sorry thats y I didnt come on sunday and it went horrible. no matter how pretty she was and how i thought she was smart and clever she started to be clingy right from the beginning and jealous at the poor barista at the coffee shop we went to and when we started to talk she was just kind of dumb…

 **[failing fine arts]** : idk if I can say that in front of you, but she really was…

 **[failing fine arts]** : i know it’s mean from me but, maaaan i just could not stand her

 **[walking chlorine]** : it’s not mean, it’s just ur opinion

 **[walking chlorine]** : plus I guess ur standards for girls r a little higher ever since u met me

 **[failing fine arts]** : no they dropped

 **[walking chlorine]** : u little bitch :’D

 **[walking chlorine]** : feel any better

 **[failing fine arts]** : yeah, i just needed to talk it out i guess

 **[walking chlorine]** : yeap, that’s u

 **[walking chlorine]** : u just need to talk

 **[walking chlorine]** : like all the time

 **[walking chlorine]** : nonstop

 **[walking chlorine]** : until there is nothing left to be said

 **[walking chlorine]** : and then u just begin again

 **[walking chlorine]** : kinda like this

 **[walking chlorine]** : when u need to talk

 **[failing fine arts]** : omg stop already!!!!

 **[failing fine arts]** : wait

 **[failing fine arts]** : am I really like that?

 **[walking chlorine]** : but we love you <3

 **[failing fine arts]** : <3

**~CHANGKYUN’S FIRST RAP BATTLE, FRIDAY - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

Arriving at RapGround I was surprised to see so many people there. I guess I never imagined I would go to a place like that in the first place, so seeing how popular the place was just took me aback a even a little more.

Minhyuk and Hyungwon were already in a merry mood since the pre-drinks at Hoseok and Hyungwon’s shared dorm room. Minhyuk, Jooheon and Hoseok were not far behind on the drinking game either. After what happened last Sunday Kihyun and Hyunwoo decided to stay sober tonight (or on very little alcohol). Changkyun was sober so that he can do this with a clear head and to be frank I just didn’t feel like drinking at pre-drinks therefore so far I was sober as well.

I did enjoy my friends drunk though. Both ways. They were great when I was drunk and they were great when they were drunk. Good friends, what can I say?

Hoseok was probably one of the funniest people I have seen when drunk. He went through stages from casually tipsy to clingy tipsy to I’m-almost-single tipsy to I-miss-Wonnie drunk to dance-on-the-table drunk to let-me-drink-more drunk to throw-up drunk to never-let-me-drink-again post drunk. I loved him in every stage, but he never got over the clingy tipsy stage unless Hyungwon was drinking too.

And let me tell you, for someone Hyungwon’s weight, the guy could DRINK. When both Hoseok and Hyungwon got drunk together in bar it wasn’t all that funny to get them back home, somehow we managed to get them home.

The night hasn’t even properly started yet and I knew this would be one to remember. If I manage to stay sober enough I will never let them live this one down. EVER.

We were able to find a corner where the 8 of us could hunch together and drink and laugh, while Changkyun was getting more and more nervous about his upcoming first stage. I knew he didn’t want to mess up but I also knew I had to be a good supportive friend.

“Hey, Kyun,” I moved to stand next to him and turn him around from the other guys. “Listen. The worst thing that can happen is that you’re gonna embarrass the fuck out of yourself and you’re gonna have to live with that feeling for the rest of your life meeting people, who have seen you fail like a little bitch on that stage. Seriously though. It’s not that deep.”

“Wow, I would’ve done better if I called tech support. Even they would give me more support than you.”

“I know, right?” I smiled at him and he smiled back looking a little more relaxed.

“Okay, it’s time for me to go.” He went off and I joined the boys again.

“What did you tell him?” Kihyun asked me.

“Words of loving and utmost support.”

“Yeah, I can imagine,” Kihyun chuckles and points to Minhyuk. “Look, he found his new prey.”

I look over and see Minhyuk talking to a girl, quite pretty and obviously very polite. She looks like she desperately wants to escape the conversation looking for someone around the place to come to her rescue. I don’t know… it’s something about drunken Minhyuk that makes him so unappealing. I mean, I don’t know, knowing him for more than 4 years gives me the advantage to say that I would not go for him even when he’s sober. But some girls would. No judgement. He’s handsome and all, but man, he talks so freaking MUCH.

20 seconds later she looked so desperate she finished her half full highball. Her face scrunched from the amount of alcohol she had to down in one go. Poor girl wanted to get out of the conversation by any means necessary.

“Should we go to her rescue?” I asked Kihyun but deep down not really wanting to go.

“Nah. I’m enjoying this,” he replies with a sly smile spreading across his face.

“Did you take pictures?” I understood that sly smile.

“Of course. Who do you take me for?” the smile spread across his face more and more. So did mine.

“We’re never gonna let his forget this, are we?”

“Never.”

And then Changkyun’s rap name was announced. He told us before it’s ‘ _I.M_ ’ beforehand so that we know, who to look out for when the time comes.

He did really well, but then again I don’t think my expectations were high to begin with. I try to never have high expectations of things I don’t know because then disappointment doesn’t come as easily. I try to stay positive in this way.

His part of the battle seemed well prepared and he wasn’t taken aback by anything his opponent fired at him. Jooheon kept on cheering like crazy on his best childhood friend and Hyungwon never lacked the excitement either. It was clear they would do anything for their friend. I didn’t know how to act so I just mildly followed their suit until the battle was over.

I.M won by the decision of the crowd. A rookie on his first stage has beaten a guy, who had ruled the stage for months without a single defeat. The other guy didn’t look bitter though, maybe it was just a mask but he shook Changkyun’s hand and pulled him into a bro hug after the result was out. He looked maybe a little happy that he finally found at opponent that was worth battling against.

Changkyun came back to our little corner with 8 drinks in his hands and that’s how the night started all over again.

We hung out in RapGround until wee hours in the morning. Hyunwoo was broken to start drinking before the clock hit midnight and was quick to catch up to Hoseok, Hyungwon and Minhyuk. Jooheon was not far behind but at least he was aware of himself, which is something that could not been said about the previously mentioned four. Kihyun stayed completely sober and I wasn’t far behind him since I only had one shot of tequila, which has been brought by Changkyun as his winning drink hours ago. I knew somebody would have to get these guys home and this time the burden fell on the smallest members of our gang.

Changkyun though… he was HAMMERED. He was salad. He was mud. He was… like… man. _How the fuck am I gonna get him home?_

Kihyun and I divided the 6 friends into who’s going to take home who. He volunteered to take Hyunwoo, Minhyuk and Jooheon, who as I mentioned was aware of himself enough to walk on his own, just needed direction and probably help to get through the halls and doors of his dorm building. Minhyuk lived in the same room as Kihyun so it was logical he would go with him. And Hyunwoo… well, Hyunwoo I think would go anywhere with Kihyun when he was drunk. His crush was even more adorable than ever. But Kihyun ended up carrying Hyunwoo while Jooheon somehow somewhat helped Kihyun with Minhyuk.

I was left with Hoseok and Hyungwon, who were not only very drunk but also were starting to get very hands on with each other. I had no idea how I would get them to their dorm, but there was no way I was going to leave them somewhere in the streets of downtown obscenely touching each other in public. Or was there?

Nah, I couldn’t do that. And then there was Changkyun… He could barely stand on his own, so like 85% of his weight was supported by me; and I had to keep on turning around to see if Hoseok and Hyungwon are following us or they reached another alleyway, where they wanted to make out.

We were almost at the uni dorm grounds when I turned around trying to stabilize Changkyun, who was falling over and dragging me too. What I saw behind me was enough for me to groan in frustration again.

Hyungwon had Hoseok pinned against the wall of corner shop just a block away from the dorm grounds gate. They were making out so hard that it was difficult for me to watch. Both of them were really close to taking their puffer coats off of each other and Hoseok moaned _loudly_ at Hyungwon pressing his face on the side of his neck below his boyfriend’s ear and pushed one of his hands down his crotch area, to which Hoseok responded by grabbing Hyungwon’s ass and lightly squeezed. This apparently was enough for Hyungwon to make a needy sound coming from his throat. The kissing got so intense I wondered how long it would take them to eat each other’s faces. Their voices were echoing in the empty streets and I looked around to see if there was anyone else voyeuring this whole situation. When I looked back Hoseok’s shirt was opened revealing the abs most guys can only dream of and his hand that was previously on Hyungwon’s butt was now in his pants.

On our whole way home I tried to just nicely convince them to come with me to the dorm. I don’t really know how and why they followed me but I guess I was a trustworthy person in their drunken eyes. I sure hope I was trustworthy; I’m one of their best friends for God’s sake.

This time I knew they would not hear me unless I went back to them and carrying Changkyun there and back was a little bit too much for me. The guy didn’t look like it but he worked out but had some muscle on him. Plus come on, I was barely 160cm tall when I was being kind to myself. In reality I was 155.

I managed to gently (well as gently as possible) put down on the ground a very drunk Changkyun. “Hey Kyunnie, I’ll be right back, okay. Don’t throw up please.”

“Mmm-kay.” And he dry heaved. I took a step backwards and made my way to the kissing couple.

“Wonnieeeee, babyyyy!” That got him torn away from Hoseok.

For split second he was confused and then he was angry. “Listen, I don’t know who you think you are, _lady._ But the only person, who can call me ‘baby’ is my boyfriend, whom I love very much. So…”

“Aww, I love you too, baby,” Hoseok happily cooed from behind his taller boyfriend and continued in a cutie voice. “But you don’t have to be angry. This is my friend Hanna.”

I face-palmed with a heavy sigh.

“Hanna? I’ve met Hanna,” Hyungwon looked confused again. “She can call me baby, right?” he asked to Hoseok and sneaked his hand around his waist to grab his ass. I tried so hard to stifle either a laugh or a frustrated groan, depending on what would come first.

“Mhmmm, but nooo,” cutie pouty voice again. “She’s the baby. She so smol.”

_I AM NOT SMOL!_

_New plan._

“You guys… you know where it would be like the perfect place to make out and have sex right now?” They looked at me super curious and thrilled that I know what they want and what is on their minds as if I were a psychic. And where to get it. “Your bed, guys. And it’s like 5 minute walk. So how about that?”

That apparently got them excited to start stumbling towards where I left Changkyun on the ground which was the way to the gate. And I only had to wonder why I didn’t lead with that, my way home would have been so much easier. I hurriedly walked over to Changkyun, who has been sitting on the dead-ass frozen ground for a couple of minutes.

“Hey, Kyunnie. I’m so sorry I left you on the ground. Come on, let’s get you up,” I slid my arm underneath his shoulders and tried to pull him up. With much difficulty and no help from the other side I managed to somehow get him on his feet. And now supporting 90% of his weight I looked at the backs of my friends as they entered a little faster than the two of us the dorm grounds. I sighed a sigh of relief, because if the guard finds them here it’s not going to be as much trouble as if police found them in the streets.

“Changkyun, what dorm building are you in?”

“Mmmmm, let me think.”

“Okay.”

“Deee twentyyyyy two? No… that’s Joo.”

 _I know that, but we’re not going there._ “Your dorm, Changkyun. The one you live in.”

“Oh I know. D-25.”

_Of course he lives across the whole grounds from the bottom gate._

Another 15 minutes later I finally reached dorm building D and Changkyun was almost fully asleep on me and at that point we made it do D-25. I could bare believe my eyes and almost shed happy tears.

I started searching his pockets for his dorm keys in hope he would have them in his jacket. I was wrong. Looking at this pants I spotted an irregular bulge in his right front pocket that looked like it could be keys. I touched the contents of the pockets over the black denim and felt keys.

_Great. Now I have put my hand into those obscurely tight jeans. Why do guys wear skinny jeans? I mean, yeah… he doesn’t look bad in them. But now I have to reach into my friend’s pocket like that. I am NOT a fan._

So I reach in and suddenly Changkyun stirs awake but only to look at me and smile.

“You know, Hanna… like tonight, you can be quite pretty when you try.”

“Ooookay,” and I dropped him the anger suddenly boiling in me over the backhanded compliment. “I drag your sorry ass all the way from RapGround and I mean literally drag and I get this instead of a thank you. Well, fuck you, Im Changkyun. Freeze here, you little bitch!” And I walked off. But only like a couple of steps and then stopped to turn around. He was still sitting on the ground looking at the space I have been standing just a moment ago. I sigh and walk back.

“Listen to me, you little shit. I’m not a shitty best friend like you are when you’re drunk, so get the fuck up and go to your dorm room, before you freeze here. Give me the keys because I know you won’t even open your fucking door. What you do afterwards I don’t five a flying shit.”

When I get to my room I fall on my bed completely drained and exhausted but still pick up my phone and search up Kihyun’s chat.

**~Private chat** between users _mama shark_ and _baby shark_.~

 **[baby shark]** : ki, have you made it back okay?

 **[mama shark]** : yeah

 **[mama shark]** : too tired to write tho, let me call you

 **[mama shark]** : i wanna know how it went with you

My phone rings like 5 seconds after the last message so I put him on speaker phone and start getting undressed and ready for bed.

“You first Ki. My story has an ending that will make you angry and I still wanna know what happened to you. And you won’t tell me if you’re angry.”

“What happened?”

“No, trust me. You tell me first.”

“Okay, but I’m not letting it go. So, Jooheon was actually more sober than I thought so he helped me with Min a lot. That guy was really drunk babbling about some girl from digital arts class that he took at the beginning of the year and how he had the biggest crush on her and how she suddenly re-appeared in his life, but he somehow lost interest in her. He was talking and talking and talking the whole way back I thought Jooheon’s ears are going to fall off. Poor guy had o listen to everything and if he didn’t respond with appropriate ‘hmm’ in the right spot Min would be upset that he wasn’t listening. And Jooheon… man, he looked like he was going to cry soon. I don’t know if because he hasn’t dated a girl since he came to uni, which would mean he didn’t get laid, because he mentioned he’s not a one-night-stand kind of a guy. Or maybe it was something Min said. I don’t know,” he sighed.

“And what about Hyunwoo?”

“It was fine. He was a pretty salad, but was cooperating with me better than I thought he would when I told him we’re going to his dorm. We actually got back to dorm grounds pretty fast. I was waiting for you to get back though.”

“Yeah, my way back was a little longer than I thought it would be.” And then I told him the whole story. I pondered whether or not to include the backhanded compliment from Changkyun but in the end I decided to tell it to my best friend/mom.

“Like, I don’t know if I’m making any sense, Ki. But hear me out… I am a girl too, you know. I know that most of the time I’m not the epitome of a girly girl and wear oversized hoodies over skinny jeans and put my wet chlorine-smelling hair into a messy bun every single day but I am a girl too. I know I look different when I put make up on and have styled hair when we go out to a club or at a rave and I wear nicer clothes, but I would still appreciate if I didn’t have to steel myself every time. I never got many compliments anyway, you know my dad and how he used to ‘compliment’ me as well. I felt like it was a fucking test round before Christmas. Do I make any sense here?”

“You make perfect sense. I know where you’re coming from. Don’t worry. Mama Shark is gonna handle this,” he laughs and that triggers my laugh as well. I have a feeling that Kihyun’s going to make someone very sorry.

I go take a shower and find my phone with a couple of notifications from [Free Wifi] group chat. I decided to text Kihyun before he starts to rain on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think about the 4th chapter? A little bit of Hyungwonho action out there in the streets, Changkyun's backhanded compliment to Hanna, Kihyun being the parent he is, which is going to be in the next chapter so definitely do comeback for that one :)  
> Thanks a lot for reading and definitely let me know what you think :)


	5. All I want for Christmas is for it to be over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gang is back and Kihyun is angry with some of the members. Christmas is just around the corner and we finally find out about Hanna's home situation.  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter :)

**~SATURDAY AFTER CHANGKYUN’S RAP BATTLE 4AM - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

~ **[Free Wi-Fi]** chat room~

 **[not_my_mom]** : okay

 **[not_my_mom]** : so here’s the deal

 **[not_my_mom]** : every single one of you will go to the chat we have without Hanna the very fucking second you wake up and it better be soon

 **[not_my_mom]** : because not only, one of you made a complete dick out of himself all the others (except Jooheon, who was decently drunk) have made partial dicks out of themselves

 **[not_my_mom]** : and sorry, but you too Hyunwoo

 **[not_my_mom]** : stop drinking so much

 **[not_my_mom]** : I get it once, after you did that record but it’s not good for you and trust me I am a fucking nutritionist

 **[not_my_mom]** : so stop fucking drinking!!!

**~SATURDAY AFTER CHANGKYUN’S RAP BATTLE 11.30AM - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

~Changkyun POV~

Changkyun woke up to his phone going off like crazy with notifications, which was totally not helping his smashing headache. _Just how much did I drink? And why is my phone going all crazy? Is it the group chat? And how the hell did I get to my room? Oh no, how much did I drink?!_

He took his phone into his hand and looked at the screen. 16 notifications from [Free Wifi] and 12 notifications from [Quality Screen Time]. Changkyun notices that [Free Wifi] notifications are older so he decides to go in chronological order.

~ **[Free Wi-Fi]** chat room~

 **[Hungry Bear]** : wow

 **[Hungry Bear]** : okay… Ki…

 **[Hungry Bear]** : heading there now

 **[happybunny]** : ummm ki? are you alright?

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : *read*

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : k

 **[FU Minhyuk!!!]** : wow, seems serious

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : and u r saying it so openly…

Changkyun switches from [Free Wifi] to their group chat without Hanna that they don’t use all that often except for sharing some explicit things that she didn’t need to know. After all she was a girl.

**~[Quality Screen Time]** chat room~

 **[big_time_short]** : put up a notification when you wake up

 **[big_time_short]** : this should be more like you’re fucking listening to me rather than just reading my words from the past

 **[big_time_short]** : no matter how angry I am at some of you

 **[big_time_short]** : I want to give you the opportunity to explain yourselves

 **[almost phelps]** : morning

 **[buffybunny]** : just how angry r u????

 **[big_time_short]** : very

 **[big_time_short]** : so Hyunwoo and Hoseok are awake…

 **[sleepy]** : here too

 **[hoenie]** : me too

 **[artistique soul]** : Minhyuk reporting!

 **[big_time_short]** : so we’re waiting for the star of the night

 **[kyun]** : whats up

 **[kyun]** : and just before anything goes down in the group chat im sorry if i disappear for a bit

 **[kyun]** : that would be me hugging the toilet in my bathroom

 **[big_time_short]** : okay, note taken

 **[big_time_short]** : so let me begin with minhyuk since I was the one, who brought him home

 **[big_time_short]** : min, I know youre heartbroken over some girl that doesnt give you attention anymore but you made poor jooheon cry all the way from rapground as he was almost carrying you home to the room

 **[big_time_short]** : idk what the hell happened jooheon, so please explain why the hell you cried

 **[hoenie]** : its nothing rly

 **[hoenie]** : dw

 **[hoenie]** : i was just drunk and had some stuff on my mind

 **[hoenie]** : and minhyuk just made me think abt it

 **[hoenie]** : it was in my head

 **[hoenie]** : srsly dw abt it ^^

 **[artistique soul]** : im sorry rly

 **[artistique soul]** : I didnt mean to upset u

 **[hoenie]** : s’all good

 **[big_time_short]** : okay next

 **[big_time_short]** : hoseok and hyungwon

 **[sleepy]** : what did we do???

 **[buffybunny]** : yeah, we were both in bed in the morning

 **[buffybunny]** : not much of a headache either of us

 **[buffybunny]** : and I remember that we got to our room on our own and what happened after ;)

 **[sleepy]** : and then in the morning…

 **[almost phelps]** : i dont think this is the right time guys

 **[buffybunny]** : yeah…

 **[buffybunny]** : you were saying ki?

 **[big_time_short]** : how the hell do you think you got to your dorms??

 **[big_time_short]** : hanna carried and I mean CARRIED kyun back while the two of you were behind her making out on the street and in every fucking dirty alleyway

 **[big_time_short]** : she had to stop you guys from having sex in the streets multiple times!!!!

 **[big_time_short]** : imagine what would happen if you were caught by the cops?

 **[big_time_short]** : hoseok you’d be out of the diving team 100 percent

 **[big_time_short]** : I know you guys love each other and I respect the hell out of it because it’s so damn beautiful you found each other and I want nothing less than happiness for the two of you and I really hope the two of you stay together in your next lives too

 **[sleepy]** : aww, kiii, that is sooo cute

 **[big_time_short]** : I havent finished

 **[buffybunny]** : oh

 **[big_time_short]** : but fcking KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS UNTIL YOU'RE IN YOUR ROOM!!!!

 **[hoenie]** : how many times did we tell u guys?

 **[artistique soul]** : yeah

 **[almost phelps]** : so kyun is the last person, ki?

 **[big_time_short]** : oh no Hyunwoo

 **[big_time_short]** : you’re not off the hook

 **[almost phelps]** : but the other chat…

 **[big_time_short]** : yeah, but that was just the beginning

 **[big_time_short]** : i’m saving this for you and me in private chat

 **[artistique soul]** : ohoooo, ki is super angry if it goes to private…

 **[artistique soul]** : hope to see u in the future brother #hanginthere

 **[big_time_short]** : so kyun

 **[big_time_short]** : you here? or throwing up?

 **[kyun]** : here

 **[big_time_short]** : how dare you?

 **[kyun]** : ummmm

 **[big_time_short]** : how FUCKING dare YOU?!?!?!?!

 **[kyun]** : can you please tell me what i did wrong? T-T

 **[big_time_short]** : what you did wrong?

 **[big_time_short]** : WHAT YOU DID WRONG???????

 **[big_time_short]** : YOU DIDN’T FUCKING PAY YOUR BILL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

 **[big_time_short]** : and it was SOME bill let me tell you!!!!

 **[big_time_short]** : next time you want to invite people from the whole rapground to drink on your tab kindly fucking check whether or not you have enough money!! or whether you’re sober enough to settle your tab

 **[big_time_short]** : whooo, now that’s out of my system…

 **[big_time_short]** : who wants to come over for dinner? im making strong chicken broth. and i think it will help with your hangovers ^-^

Changkyun was left speechless lying on his bed. His hangover subsided after he got his stomach wiped by Kihyun.

~Back to Hanna POV~

I arrived at Kihyun and Minhyuk’s apartment around 2PM to hang out with everyone before we all leave for Christmas break next week.

But I came early because I wanted to help Kihyun cook dinner (even though he probably had everything already ready and just needed to simmer the soup and wash the rice to put it into the rice cooker).

“What’s up?” I let myself into their dorm kitchen where the smell of a chicken soup is in the air so I head into the communal kitchen first, where I find Kihyun reading something on his tablet and surprisingly Minhyuk washing the dishes. “Min, you look fresher than I’d expect.”

“Yeah, I already got an earful from _mom_ that he’s cooking me and everyone else dinner and always cleans our room so I might make myself useful at least once and be the one, who cleans this time.”

“I mean, he’s got a point there, you know,” I sympathize with him and pour myself coffee from the cold brew stash that Kihyun always has in his fridge. He’s addicted to it. I pat Minhyuk on the shoulder and smile at him kindly. “He wasn’t too mean, was he?”

“Not to me. I dodged a bullet this time,” he smiled obviously happy.

“Only because he doesn’t know why Jooheon cried.”

“And you do?”

“Nope. I was carrying Changkyun home.”

“Yeeeaah, he got it pretty bad.”

“Like proper angry Yoo Kihyun?”

“Like proper angry Yoo Kihyun.”

“Ouch.”

I let Minhyuk get back to his dishes and walked over to the table to join Kihyun. I sat down next him and put my head on his shoulder. “You didn’t tell on me, right?”

Kihyun sighed heavily. “No. But I think you should let people know how you feel, Hanna.”

“And lose friends like you guys because of one drunken sentence? I’m not feeling that,” I reply sadly.

“Heeey, you wouldn’t lose us. What makes you think that?”

“Christmas is coming,” I say bluntly knowing that my best friend knows what I mean. And after that sentence he just puts his arms around my shoulder and goes back to his reading. I close my eyes not because I’m tired but because I feel the comfort of my best friend and it feels like nothing I have felt before. And I’m not lying here. I am so happy to have a friend like Kihyun.

“Minhyuk, what are you doing?” I hear Kihyun asked with an annoyed tone. I open my eyes to see Minhyuk pocketing his phone.

“Sorry I needed to take that as a picture. God I love my best friends,” he smiled at us a continued his way with the full trash bin to the communal garbage containers.

I smiled at this and closed my eyes again.

By 4PM everyone else arrives and the meal was ready to be eaten. Once everyone was seated around on random mismatched chairs because a 4 people flat didn’t count on having 8 people eat at one table, Kihyun speaks. “I just want to make one last remark about the morning.”

He sighs and everyone in the room tenses up a little.

“I did not mean to be mean or swear at you guys. I care for you very deeply and you guys are my best friends. I was just a little angry over the events of last night. I’m really sorry for jumping at you so aggressively.”

Hyunwoo clears his throat. “No, you were right. I should stop drinking that much. I need to get my head in the game again.”

Changkyun hummed and looked down at the table, head hanging low. “I’m really sorry for how I acted last night and for that I have not paid my bill. I’ll pay back all of you. And I’m sorry Hanna that you had to carry me the whole way back. Next time we drink please only allow me to drink to the point when I can still walk on my own.”

Hyungwon looks at Hoseok and then at me. “And I’m sorry for both of last night or this morning, Hanna. We really should keep the intimate stuff to our private spaces or at least somewhere not as public as a street or an alleyway.”

“At least you love each other. AND I’m not smol,” I reminded him.

“Yeah, you are,” Hoseok smiled at me kindly and I scoff jokingly.

“Let’s eat,” Hyunwoo exclaimed.

**~ 26TH DECEMBER - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

~ **[Free Wi-Fi]** chat room~

the.girl changed the group chat name to [Listen Up Gang]

the.girl changed their name to _onehanna_.

onehanna changed FU Minhyuk!!!’s name to _be-nice-to-min_.

**[not_my_mom]** : Hanna?

 **[not_my_mom]** : are you drinking?

 **[onehanna]** : I’m just having a glass of wine…

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : did u pour wine into a pint glass??

 **[onehanna]** : no…

 **[onehanna]** : my protein shaker

<A/N: protein shakers are normally 700ml>

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : …

 **[onehanna]** : what

 **[onehanna]** : it fits the whole bottle…

 **[onehanna]** : still one glass

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i didnt say anything

 **[happybunny]** : what happened???

 **[onehanna]** : xmas is bs

 **[onehanna]** : big time BS

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : what did ur dad do?

 **[onehanna]** : i dont wanna go over it

 **[onehanna]** : just…

 **[onehanna]** : fuck.

 **[Hungry Bear]** : im at ur place in like 10 mins

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : yeah we are just putting warmer clothes on

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i was bored at home anyway

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : im in the bus already

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : open the door

 **[onehanna]** : how did u get here so fast??

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i took a cab the moment u changed the group chat name

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i know you b

In less than 30 minutes the whole gang of seven went through the door of my parents’ apartment. Thankfully no one but me was at home. Both my parents and my younger brother went out to the cemetery. I played being tired and really just wanted to sleep.

We were sitting in the living room, all of us cupping mugs of tea in our hands. 7 out of 8 mugs had rum in the tea. Hyunwoo put plum wine into his. Grandpa.

“So are you gonna spill what your dad did this time?” Minhyuk asked knowing very well what was going on. He knew the situation in my family all too well. So did Hyunwoo and Kihyun.

“Since the moment I passed the threshold I’ve been hearing nothing but Beijing, Beijing, Beijing, Beijing, Beijing and how I have to train harder and harder and harder and harder and how I gained weight and how that’s going to affect my swimming progress. So instead of having rest and doing dry-land like the coach instructed I do that dry-land twice in a row and swim a regular 2-hour practice afterwards. And on top of everything instead of having Christmas dinner like normal person I had to have boiled chicken breast and broccoli, while everybody else was enjoying the decadences and indulged in good soul food. Plus I actually checked when I came home. I lost weight since I began uni in September. I’m so frustrated right now. And hangry.”

“Why don’t you eat now that they’re not home?” Jooheon asked.

“My dad has everything checked,” I said sadly.

“Well, good thing we came over.”

“You can eat the food _with us_ and say that you just gave it all to us,” suggested Hoseok.

“HEY! Why didn’t I think of that earlier?! Hoseokkie, you’re a genius!”

“Happy to help! And happier to eat!”

Of course when my dad came he executed Spanish inquisition about, who my 7 friends are and didn’t forget to add that I should be concentrating on Beijing instead of hanging out around with some guys. I rolled my eyes at that and held Kihyun’s shoulder because I noticed him twitch to stand up.

“How do you live with this?” Hyungwon asked, his voice laced with something like pity.

“I don’t. Why do you think I never left the campus to go home the whole time when my family doesn’t even live that far?” I admitted. “I barely ever pick up his calls at this point.”

“At least you’re not hungry now, are you?” Hyunwoo asked.

“Yeah. At least something.”

“Your mom looks cool about it though,” Changkyun mentioned.

“Yeah, she was the one who suggested that she will visit me on campus if I need anything so that I don’t need to go home to see him. She also told me when I came home that if I want I can go back to campus tomorrow since officially for my family the festivities end tonight. And I’m strongly considering doing exactly that. All I want for this Christmas is for it to be over.”

“What will you do for new year’s?” Changkyun asked everyone.

“I thought we were going out together?” Jooheon said.

“That’s what I was going to say,” Minhyuk joined him.

“Well I was kinda counting on it,” I seconded their opinions.

“Then it’s a deal sealed,” said Kihyun.

“We haven’t agreed though” Hyunwoo protested pointing at him and Hyungwon and Hoseok.

“Oh don’t pretend like you have other better plans,” Changkyun nailed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Kyun did not pay his bill... I have to admit, I was that friend before... *ashamed*  
> Also do you think there might have been an ulterior motive of Hanna's to not tell to everyone about the backhanded compliment? Other than that obvious lie about losing her friends?  
> In the next chapter it's Valentine's day... who is the most excited and who hates the day the most? Kyun's 3rd battle is on at RapGround, but he sees something unexpected that makes him a little... uneasy.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hope to see you at the next one. Drop me a comment or kudos please if you like the story so far. <3 :)


	6. The Irony of Helium Filled Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's me... (and the song from Adele continues in the background)  
> It's Valentine's day. There are people who love it and there are people who hate it.

**~VALENTINE’S DAY-ISH - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

If there was any other day than Tuesday that I hated I more, please remind me. Tuesday is literally the single worst day of the week. Not only I have morning practice but I also have extremely packed day of classes followed by an extended dry-land and 2 hour long pool practice. And when this is all done I have to ice bath (a novelty installed into Hyunwoo’s and my schedules after qualifying to Beijing), which is a bitch and then it’s evening again and I want to hang out with someone before going to sleep. But last week I fell asleep at Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s place after playing some games with some of the guys from the gang. They were so kind to tell me (in the morning mind you) that I was too tired looking to wake up and go to my dorm so they decided to make a blanket bed on the floor and tuck me in there.

I thought it was a really kind gesture that I could only expect from them, but I was a little upset they didn’t wake me up. I bet they wanted privacy. Or they had private time with me sleeping on the floor? This thought was still bugging me.

AND the single worst thing about Tuesday is that yesterday was not weekend, tomorrow is not weekend and the day after tomorrow is just Thursday. What can be worse?

This week I promised Changkyun to hang out with him in the studio he booked in the evening in the music building of our uni to work on his next stage happening on Friday after Valentine’s Day. I liked hanging out with him in the studio, the chairs were comfy enough to sit in after long practice and his music was interesting enough to listen to whenever.

His style varied from hard rap style beats he composed for his stages to more chilled out songs he did for himself. I found out earlier in the year that both Jooheon and Changkyun rapped really well but their styles were quite different. And Jooheon could also sing pretty well, which is one thing I didn’t expect from a rapper.

I was sitting on one of the comfy chair switching between reading my Sport Medicine 101 notes to checking instagram for more swimming meme (because that’s what you need on a Tuesday, trust me) and listening to Changkyun’s music and trying to give relevant feedback.

The lights were dimmed in the studio and honestly show me one swimmer (or an athlete in general, or Hyungwon) that would not start falling asleep in a situation like this.

And suddenly there was a hand in my hair doing this slow massage thing with soft fingertips. _Dude, I finally know how dogs feel when humans pet them. If I had hind leg I would twitch it too!_

I open my eyes and see Changkyun looking at the computer screen and tapping away with his right hand. He notices I woke up and turns his head to me removing his hand.

“Your hair’s still wet.”

“Yeah, what‘d you expect. I got here straight from the pool,” I yawn.

“You also slept for over 2 hours, I’m about to pack up and call it a day,” started doing final saves of the day and closing the programs.

“Huh, you should have woken me up.”

“You looked really tired,” he looks at me. “Beijing?”

“Beijing,” I nod and stretch.

The World Cup University semi-finals were in two months, which meant both Hyunwoo and I were going through the most gruesome training right now desperately wanting for the taper to start. But that would not happen for a couple of weeks so…

“But you’re coming on Friday, right?”

“Yeeeaah, but this time Hyunwoo and I won’t be much fun. Saturday practice at 7, you know.”

“Just until the performance, you don’t even have to stay for that,” he shrugs it off.

“Of course we’ll stay for the performance and until you come back from the stage to say ‘congratulations’ or ‘well, man you could have done better’.”

“Is that what you’re actually going to say if I lose?” he looked a little fake shocked.

“Yeah.”

“And here I thought we were becoming friends,” he snickered.

“Listen, had we been friends I would say something along the lines of ‘don’t worry, you were great, next time is your time to shine and I know it’. But as your best friend I am obliged to tell you the truth you know. And if you screw up, well then I gotta tell you.”

“So I’m your best friend?” he smiled pulling only one corner of his lips up.

“Yeah, of course. I mean... Nobody tops Ki, because he feeds me… and I’m a swimmer you know…so… nobody can beat Ki,” I say nodding exaggeratedly.

Changkyun joins me in the same motion. “Yeeeaah, that’s uh… pretty difficult to beat.”

We both laughed shortly and again I noticed how his deep voice did this thing to his laugh that made it… I don’t know ‘something’.

We left the studio and went home for the night.

And have I told you how much I hate Wednesdays? Or maybe not Wednesdays but this particular one I do.

Valentine’s Day.

UGH.

A sad reminder to people, who aren’t in a relationship that they are indeed alone.

A sad reminder to people, who are in an unhappy relationship they’re in an unhappy relationship.

A sad reminder to people in a happy relationship that they suck!!!!

UGH.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[happybunny]** : everyone

 **[happybunny]** : compulsory lunch today

 **[happybunny]** : not taking no for an answer

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : k

 **[Hungry Bear]** : did something happen?

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : no, he is just too excited it valentines

 **[Hungry Bear]** : thats today?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : k, but I’ll be late

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : me too

 **[not_my_mom]** : I have to talk to my teacher after class, so me three

 **[happybunny]** : hanna?

 **[happybunny]** : hello hanna?

 **[happybunny]** : I see u read the msgs

 **[happybunny]** : HANNAAAAAA!!!!!!

As soon as the last message from Hoseok came in I closed the chat app on my phone. I guess my hope that if I ignored him he would leave it wasn’t correct. He wasn’t Hyunwoo after all. Hoseok was Hoseok.

At lunch I was seriously pondering on going to buy whatever junk food I could find in the café instead of going to eat to the cafeteria, but my stomach had other plans. I was so hungry even after my morning class so having the pre-lunch time opened and spending it in library didn’t really help my hunger so I had to go to the place I had dreaded to go to the most today.

The moment I walked in I spotted The Core Four and Charlie’s Angels, still by the way not knowing who was who in this name. I made my way to the queue pulling my hood up to cover most of my face. And then I looked around and saw that excruciatingly disgusting decorations that the Students’ Union has put up to celebrate the saddest, most commercial day of the year. It was red ribbons and helium filled heart-shaped balloons were trapped by the ceiling. I noticed most of them had a note written on them. The only ones I could make out from the distance were ‘ILYSM’

It was actually pretty ironic when you think about it. You fill a heart full of helium (probably trying to symbolize love) just to have it trapped inside a room instead of letting it roam free in the world, so technically you’re trapping the heart of your loved one in a cage not letting it have the freedom it needs and deserves. _Wow, Students’ Union. What a great analogy!_

“Are you hiding in the food queue?” I heard a deep voice behind me.

“How’d you guess?”

“Group chat gave your intentions away. You hate Valentine’s,” Changkyun grinned and a feeling of mutual understanding ran through me.

“Wow Mr. Holmes, I had no idea you were standing right next to me,” I replied sarcastically.

“Well, it’s always a pleasure to meet you, Grinch,” he grinned wider.

“Grinch hated Christmas,” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“You hate Christmas,” he stated.

“Fair point well made.” I turned to move in the queue.

“Yo, Hoseok,” Changkyun spoke to his phone. At that very moment the feeling of mutual understanding was gone and replaced by the feeling of utmost betrayal. “I found her. She’s in the food queue.”

“You little snitch,” I accused him loudly and turned my body away from the table only to have the hood of my hoodie pulled down by someone I considered my best friend. _Well, no longer you little snitchetty snitch._

“Hoseok says you should get your food and join the others. Everyone is already there. I’m supposed to be the lookout so you don’t run off with a take away box.”

“God, you have to see even through my backup back-up plan, right?”

“What are best friends for?” he asked non-chalantly. _I know, right?_

Arriving at the table my face dropped more and more. Hoseok went all out and got chocolates for everyone but of course the biggest one for Hyungwon. I mean yeah, they’re so n love and so cute and I wish only happiness for them but just not today.

I sat down and started to eat my food right after greeting my friends, vehemently ignoring the ‘happy valentine’s day’ coming from them.

Some high pitched sound on my left caught my attention and I looked over to see some girl squealing over a plushie her boyfriend got her. I make a retching sound pretty loudly and go back to eating my food.

“Why didn’t you reply to me in the chat?” Hoseok asked a little sad. Poor bunny.

“I hoped that if I didn’t respond you would leave me alone,” I admitted my fault.

“What is with you?” Jooheon asks, judging from the tone of his voice he’s worried rather than irritated.

“Hanna _hates_ Valentine’s Day,” Kihyun answers for me.

“Why?” Hyungwon questions me.

“Were you dumped on Valentine’s?” Jooheon pushes.

“No, she just wishes it was her,” Changkyun joins them by pointing at some happy couple.

I scoff. “No.”

“Why then?” Hyungwon pushes.

“It is the single most commercial day of the year and also… if you love someone you’re going to show it to them once a year? Like what the fuck? Just profess your love all year round in everyday things and if you need to be more specific then be more specific. But don’t do it only one day a year. Duh! And see them,” I point to a happy couple walking holding hands. “If I had a car and there was a puddle next to them I would drive right through the puddle at high speed just so that I splash as much water on them as possible.”

“So that’s your reason?” Hoseok asked disappointed.

“Yeah.”

“Not the fact that you’re single?” Hoseok asked with a smidgen of hope.

“Nope,” Minhyuk finally joined the conversation. “She was just like this last year when she was dating what’s-his-name.”

Kihyun and Hyunwoo started chuckling at the memory Minhyuk was bringing up. I smiled at the thought as well. It was funny, but it lead to the end of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend one week later, which honestly wasn’t that bad either.

“Do you remember how she threw the chocolates at him?” Kihyun asked smiling widely.

“She could have been nominated to the World Championships in artistic Frisbee throwing,” Min laughed and Ki slapped the table a couple of times before recreating the scene from last Valentine’s Day.

“Tell it from the top,” Jooheon asked of Min and Ki.

They very happily obliged. Hyunwoo joining them to fill in the details they might have forgotten.

Thursday was a typical Thursday except the evening I spent again at Changkyun’s studio. Falling asleep again. Earlier than on Tuesday but at least he was understanding. Beijing was doubling down on me.

~Changkyun POV~

Friday came sooner than he expected. His third RapGround battle just hours away.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : guys

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i can count on you tonight right?

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : no one forgot right?

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : ofc

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : i would never forget to go see u on stage

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : pfff, who do u think i am

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : hoseok next to says the same thing as min

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : ofc we’ll be there

 **[not_my_mom]** : I’m not carrying anyone home this time tho

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : broooo y u even askin

 **[Hungry Bear]** : hanna and i are coming but not drinking and will leave early

 **[onehanna]** : yeah, sorry kyun

 **[onehanna]** : morning practice

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : dw i get it

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : just stay at least until i go up, then u guys can go

 **[Hungry Bear]** : we are staying until you finish and come back to see us

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : yeah who do u think they r?????

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : sorry

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : just nervous today

Pre-drinking at Hoseok’s has always been a bad idea and tonight was no different. Thankfully Changkyun had one small beer knowing he’s performing in like an hour and a half. He needed to keep his mind clear and his head in the game.

Arriving at RapGround and seeing all the people gathered there made Changkyun relax a little even though most people would only get more nervous. There was something strangely calming about seeing the people he was going to perform before. He enjoyed performing more than he thought he would. Enough to consider changing his major next year to only doing music production even though before he thought it had not been for him.

People at RapGround were starting to recognize Changkyun thanks to his previous 2 battles, which both were victories to I.M, but he has also come there on some days when he wasn’t going to perform usually joined by a couple of his friends. Usually Jooheon, but Mihyuk has been joining them a lot lately. The guy really could make friends anywhere with just about anyone. It was astonishing how he loved to be around people and people around him could see him glow from the energy he received from them. Hanna and Hyunwoo unfortunately could not join them as often as last year before Christmas since their swimming practices were super gruesome right now due to Beijing. Changkyun just wished they would do well. He grew attached to those two hardworking athletes and was inspired by them to work harder on his music many times. He found himself especially productive when Hanna came to the studio after her swimming to chill with him, listen to his music composition process and then fall asleep there. She was a really good friend, who would rather sleep next to someone keeping a silent calming company than go home and sleep there.

They found their small corner again and Hanna, Jooheon and Kihyun went to get drinks while the others promised to get another round. Strangely only Jooheon and Kihyun came back.

“Where’s Hanna?” Hyunwoo asked Kihyun.

“Over there,” he replied nodding his chin towards the bar while giving everyone their drinks.

Changkyun looked over at the bar and noticed Hanna talking to some random tall guy smiling like crazy, but still shyly. Suddenly she laughed at something he said to her, which irritated Changkyun but he didn’t know why. Changkyun felt his blood boiling but blamed it on the upcoming battle and getting ready to smash his opponent.

The others were well immersed in a conversation Changkyun didn’t hear the beginning of but hoped he could jump in ‘in media res’.

“What is Minhyuk’s problem with you today, Kihyun?” Hyungwon asks their short friend. The friend in talking was already away from the group socializing with someone else somewhere in RapGround. Classic Minhyuk.

“I honestly don’t know. I even gave him food today and he didn’t have to clean the dishes either. I don’t know why he’s like that today.”

To which Hoseok replies, “Well, you are pretty mean to him sometimes.”

“Oh, so you also think I’m evil. That I’m like Satan,” Kihyun stated disbelievingly.

“No, no,” Hoseok puts his hands up in defence. “I’m not saying anything like that. You’re not like Satan, but I guess you guys are close friends.”

Changkyun and Jooheon choke on their beers and Hyunwoo just wholeheartedly laughs at the situation, which was very unlike Hyunwoo, because he usually came to Kihyun’s defence, but Changkyun guessed this was something he didn’t want to save him from.

Hanna didn’t come back after 5 minutes and Changkyun glanced again back to the bar where he’d last seen her and she was still there - talking to the guy. But he was supposed to go backstage now to get ready and he would hate to go without words of support from his best friend, which were always a little backhanded but still Changkyun enjoyed hearing them. So he decided to walk over and get them himself.

He heard her laugh one more time before interrupting. “Hanna?”

“Yo, you going up now?” she greeted him.

“Yeah. Last words of support?” he asked mockingly, almost sure of what was coming.

“Don’t suck?”

“Better than nothing I guess,” Changkyun shrugged knowing he couldn’t get anything better out of her. It somewhat seemed that Hanna wanted to get back to her conversation with the guy but he wasn’t going to leave that soon. He wasn’t going to forgive his best friend for the porn thing that easily. C’mon. “You staying, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll go with Hyunwoo after you finish. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What if you lose tonight?” The last sentence seemed to bring out the devil in her.

“You want to stay in case I lose so you can make fun of me?” he asked in a jokingly offended. “I have great friends.”

“And whose fault is that?” Hanna mocked Changkyun.

At this Changkyun chuckled, his mood lifted by his best friend. He lifted his hand into a high five and walked over to the backstage still chuckling at how he would allow only to Hanna to destroy him like that. And well 6 other people too. _But Hyunwoo wouldn’t do that, would he?_

Changkyun felt his blood boil as he was getting ready to be I.M. He knew he was I.M all the time, he didn’t need an alter ego to perform or anything but it was important to him to know that the people outside, who support him know him as I.M not as Im Changkyun. There were only 7 people outside, who were there to support Changkyun. The rest just wanted to see a good battle by I.M.

His stage name was called out from the speaker as he entered the small stage in RapGround and greeted his opponent. He heard the cheers from the crowd as the opponents beat dropped. He listened to him as attentively as he could, his opponent was pretty good this would be a difficult battle; but he couldn’t help to glance over at his friends. Hanna has already joined them, the guy nowhere in sight, which helped Changkyun relax without him realizing it.

His turn came. “It feels so freaky when I’m with this freaky rhythm…”

I.M won his third stage in row and made his way back to his friends knowing Hanna and Hyunwoo must leave early so he didn’t want to leave them hanging out for too long.

Mihyuk threw his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders before he even reached their corner and shouted into his ears. “VICTORYYYYYYY!!!!”

Changkyun laughed and threw his arm around his friend’s shoulders too joining him in a victorious roar. When the two reached the corner every one of his friends was chanting ‘I am what I am’ and that made Changkyun crazy smiling even wider than before. He realized it was the feeling of having so many great friends out here supporting him, which was very different from his past.

After the celebratory round he spoke to Hanna. “Sorry I couldn’t give you an opportunity to make fun of me.”

“Yeah, shame,” she shrugged. “I would have made sure you would never forget that,” she added theatrically. With that Hyunwoo and Hanna said their goodbye to get some sleep before they have to get up for Saturday practice in a couple of hours.

“Why does she have to insult me every chance that she gets?” he asked rhetorically to his circle of friends.

“Well then, stop giving her chances, maybe?” Kihyun and Minhyuk one-vocally responded in an as-a-matter-of-fact way.

The celebration in RapGround continued until wee hours in the morning again, but this time it was Changkyun bringing home Jooheon and Kihyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who noticed the inspiration for this chapter came on May 26th? *hihi*  
> Seriously though, Kyun and Hanna, is something going on?  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter and please let me know what you think :)  
> In the next chapter a change of hearts steps into the scene but true friends are true friends.


	7. This Time for Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun, dun duuuunnn. Chapter 7 is has a little bit of a sad feel, angry feel and painful feel.  
> Anyone who has ever had a passion they really wanted to follow but someone kept knocking them down until they couldn't get back up might relate to Hanna in this chapter.  
> I hope you like it! <3 :)

**~MID-MARCH - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

“Listen to me, you two,” the coach started yet _another_ post-Monday-morning-practice speech when Hyunwoo and I were sort of freezing our asses off because the pool staff ‘forgot’ to turn on the water heating on Sunday night. Both of us were suspecting they were doing it on purpose. “You have one month to go before we fly out to Beijing. No other swimmer besides you two have qualified into the world cup. The water polo men’s team and synchronized swimming teams are very well into the practice load and according to their coaches they are doing very well, while I feel the two of you are stagnating. What is happening? Do you two go out drinking or hang out with friends? Why are your heads not in the game? Last year the swimmers, who qualified to the semi-finals for World Cup didn’t do very well, so it would be great if you two really could. But, Hyunwoo, I feel as if your mind keeps wandering off and you’re not concentrating on what I tell you about technique. And you, Hanna, do you have a boyfriend or what is the reason you gained weight? You need to regulate your calorie intake and I honestly thought you would have known that since you’re taking Sports Nutrition. So… it’s a new week and taper will begin soon, therefore I want you two to think very thoroughly about what I just said.”

“Yes, coach,” we said uni-vocally slowly, irritation lacing at least my voice. I grab my things (pull-kick, paddles, fins, snorkel, drag shorts, water bottle) and put them into the mesh bag I use to carry my equipment. I put a little bit more strength into my actions and they are rushed. I feel my blood boiling from anger and feel tears pushing into my eyes. I sigh out of frustration pushing back the tears of anger and walk over to Hyunwoo, who incidentally is next to my backpack. I snatch my cap and goggles off and throw them into the backpack with quite some force. The whole time I feel Hyunwoo’s eyes on me.

“Heeey,” he says softly. “Hanna, please don’t be angry. Don’t let him ruin your Monday.”

I exhale heavily annoyance flowing through me. “Hyunwoo, I’m not angry at you.”

“I know that, Hanna. I’ve known you forever. Just don’t say what you’re about to say. I know you don’t mean it,” he voices his thoughts sympathetically. I start to walk towards the showers and changing rooms.

“What?! That I’m going to quit swimming? Because I am! This time I’ve had enough. It’s like seeing my father all over again every fucking day at the pool with his ridiculous expectations ‘cause he couldn’t achieve shit so he put the pressure all on me. Fuck that. I love swimming, you know I really do. But I want to love it on my own terms.”

Hyunwoo’s face shows a sad, compassionate expression and replies in a low voice. “I know.” His tone stops me in my steps just before I enter the women’s showers. I turn around to see my pretty tall friend with slumped shoulders and a sad look on his face.

I have never gotten anything less than compassion, support and friendship from Hyunwoo in whatever stupid idea I had. Even all those times I ‘quit’ swimming he supported it because he very much knew it was a joke and just genuinely wanted to make me happier or for me to be happy. However this time his face mirrored my seriousness with worry. Hyunwoo would never admit it, but he didn’t want me to quit because he thought he would lose me as a friend and all those memories (great ones and everyday ones) would somehow disappear. And I was worried he would lose himself and his motivation to keep swimming, so never before my ‘quitting’ had been real.

However, today after what the coach told us and after both of us _have_ our heads in the game and _work_ our asses off to get better, for the first time in my life I actually meant it. And Hyunwoo felt it even before I said it. We knew each other so well, that these things did not have to be spoken.

A moment has passed that both of us stood in silence looking at each other, Hyunwoo with painful hope in his eyes and I with passionate anger. The last person in the world I ever wanted to disappoint was Hyunwoo.

“Look…” I began and took a deep breath. “I’ll see how I feel in the afternoon, okay?”

Hyunwoo nodded his eyes changing to show a little more happiness.

I stood in the shower for quite some time contemplating the life in its very own fundamental principle. Not my life, just life in general. When I finally got out my skin was red from the hot water and my muscles stopped being so tense in the heat. I felt a little better but still very much undecided about afternoon. I have fallen into a rabbit hole and I really wanted to get out. No matter how much I loved swimming it was starting to get the best out of me. And I hated to even think about what might happen when I quit and if I quit now, before Beijing.

After spending another long ass time in front of my locker I realized I was late for my morning class so I just gave up on going and decided to go somewhere else.

I got dressed and left my equipment in the locker along with my swimsuit. I probably should have taken it and did more out of habit but whatever. I can come back for it another day too.

I knew I was late when I entered the lecture hall through the back door, but I’d also done it before and the teacher was okay with it. Many of his students entered this way on Monday morning. He wasn’t pretty angry at students, who were late but entered the lecture hall quietly and sat themselves down without disturbing him or others. So I quietly made my way to my spot.

I sat down putting my head on Hoseok’s shoulder right away. He was startled for a moment but when he saw me he became concerned. I’ve only come to his Children Psychology 101 class once before and that day I almost cried my eyes out when my grandpa died during the night.

Hoseok put down his pen to snuggle me closer his big arm protecting my shoulders from all evil. “Rough morning?” he whispers very quietly.

I nod and relax into that uncomfortable bench that the Psychology students have to sit on during their 2 and a half hour long lecture.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not now,” I whisper back softly.

“Okay.” Hoseok looks back at the teacher immersing himself in whatever the teacher was talking about. I didn’t understand a word, but then Jooheon once entered during his free time to Sports Medicine 101 hoping he would learn something but exited looking abashed at how medical terms actually sound in real life and at the amount of things we just have to know.

I put my head on top of my folded hands on the desk and tiredly slide down onto them with my head. In the corner of my eye I see Hoseok pull out his phone.

“Can I text Hyunwoo to ask about it?”

“Do you have to?”

“I want to know how to help you.”

“How do you know it’s swimming?”

“Your hair is wet and you’re not crying. Just look incredibly exhausted by something. I’m just taking guesses here.”

“It’s swimming.”

Hoseok sighs and puts his hand on top of my head patting my hair. “Let’s talk about it. In half hour we’ll have a 10 minute break. We’ll leave during the break, hm?”

“I can’t ask you to leave your class ‘cause of me, Hoseokie,” I reply with no strength or energy.

“I suggested it. And on the side… I hate this class. I usually only take notes from class mates, because Hyungwon is irresistible on Monday mornings. I don’t want to be do anything with children and their psyche anyway. I only took this course because of easy credits. So?”

“If you don’t want to be here then okay,” I agree weakly. Hoseok puts his phone away and I close my eyes. I’m so happy for a friend like him.

“What the actual fuck?” Hoseok asks me apparently very angry. “How does he dare say you gained weight? If you gained any it would be muscle. You look toner than in September, 100 percent. What a piece of shit.”

We’re sitting in mess hall sort of waiting for lunch to come around. “Yeah.”

“I’m fuming, I wanna go kill him. How does he dare to say that to my precious friend? Oh man, I will definitely make him slip at the pool next time I meet him there,” Hoseok vented his anger while I was becoming more and more of a slump, closer and closer to the decision of not going to the pool in the afternoon. “And he even has the audacity to tell you and Hyunwoo you don’t have your heads in the game?! The two of you?!?!”

After a couple of moments my phone rings with a notification.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[happybunny]** : everyone will come to have lunch at the mess hall ASAP

 **[happybunny]** : and i mean EVERYONE

 **[happybunny]** : no matter how much i love u, wonnie u’re not excluded in this ‘everyone’ just because im here

 **[not_my_mom]** : thats serious, I’ll try to get out of class early

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : omw rn

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : k, getting dressed now

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : be there

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : k cancelling plans

 **[Hungry Bear]** : yeah we need to talk…

“I don’t want anyone to cancel plans, Hoseok,” I said sadly pointing out Jooheon’s message.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[happybunny]** : jooheonie what r ur plans??

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : was supposed to meet a guy bcs of a grp project but it can wait

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i already postponed it to tmrw

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : y?

 **[happybunny]** : bcs hanna feels guilty abt smbd cancelling their plans

 **[not_my_mom]** : what happened?

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : wtf happened???

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : where r u sitting?

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : k see u now

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : hanna looks bad

“I don’t look bad,” I tell to Minhyuk as he approaches. “Do I?”

“Sweetie, you look worse than when your grandpa died and when in high school you smashed a rib and couldn’t swim for a couple of weeks,” he states and sits down next to me to hug me tight. His hand strokes my wet chlorine hair over and over. “Are you gonna cry?”

“I don’t think so. I just have zero energy,” I reply.

“If you need to cry, I’m here,” he says these things all while holding me tight and stroking my hair. I finally hug him back. We sit like that for a while and I start feeling the tiniest tiny bit better having Minhyuk’s happy vitamin vibe jumping around even though he’s serious.

Couple of moments later I felt another person sit next to me and hug my back, resting his cheek on the bottom of the nape of my neck. By the scent of his cologne (fresh and yet very masculine) I knew it was Kihyun I started to relax into the comforting hugs of my best friends only to feel them embrace me tighter. The feeling of home (that these two have always created for me better than my actual home) hit me so hard that the first tear came and I didn’t even know how. Then the first sob rippled through my body in a deep broken inhale. At that point another person’s hand touched me, whom I recognized as Changkyun by the way he was stroking my hair. Another big hand weighed down on my shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. One more silent sob ran through me before my breathing stabilized and my silent tears broke out.

I don’t know how long I’ve cried like this noiselessly while being held by my friends before I calmed down. No one asked a single question, but I knew they were desperate to know what was going on.

When I finally looked up from Min’s shoulder all 7 guys were there and all of their faces mirrored my sorrow. It looked like they were hurting because I was hurting and crying. In that very moment I realized yet again how lucky I am to have friends like them.

I sighed heavily and nodded to them. Everyone except Min and Ki leaving my side to go sit around the table, the tension not alleviating. We sat in silence and Kihyun reached for something into his bag and pulled out a closed dark blue Tupperware handing it to me.

“I was planning on giving it to you after lunch, but I think it might help you now. I came up with a new recipe for dark chocolate brownie protein bars. I know you like the previous ones, but I think these taste even better,” Kihyun smiled at me kindly.

I just shook my hand and rejected his kindness silently but giving him the feeling of gratefulness through my sad smile.

“Okay,” said Hoseok slowly. “Something is very wrong. You would never refuse those.”

“Yeah,” Kihyun says sadly. I still didn’t say a single word worried my voice would break.

“Hyunwoo, you look like you know what’s going on,” Jooheon looked at him hopeful that Hyunwoo would enlighten them. I knew better though, Hyunwoo rarely tells stories that are not his to tell.

“I do. But I think it would be better if you get it out of yourself, Hanna,” Hyunwoo suggested sincerely.

I knew he was right and yet it was so difficult for me to talk about because for the first time in my life I felt like I am actually going to quit swimming and it was breaking my heart. So I sat there among my friends in silence for a couple more minutes pondering whether the other heard my heart crack too.

I took a deep breath and started to talk slowly in a low voice void of any kind of happiness. “Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not going to the pool today, Hyunwoo and I don’t know if I’m gonna come tomorrow morning either. I’m sorry, I just…” and I went silent, so many word hanging on my lips that I will never speak, because I’m hurting. And I tend to be the person, who would rather hurt alone than share it with others. After a couple of moments of tense silence I spoke again. “I just need to think it through.”

Hyunwoo nodded understanding where I’m coming from. “I’m sorry guys that Hoseok called you all urgently here to see me like this. And I am ever so fucking grateful that all of you came and but I think I kinda just wanna be alone right now. So… I’ll go.” With that I picked up my stuff leaving Kihyun’s protein brownies on the table and looking at all of my friends once more before leaving the table. What I had seen in their eyes could only be equaled to unparalleled support and the desire to help me anyhow they could.

I could have never asked for better friends and I don’t know what I did to deserve them, but I was so fucking happy they were my friends.

I didn’t know where I was headed but I walked out of campus in no particular direction. Just walked wherever my feet would bring me that day.

**~Private chat** between users _mamashark_ and _babyshark_ ~

 **[mamashark]** : hanna, please text me back as soon as you feel like you want to

 **[mamashark]** : I’m not going to push you

 **[mamashark]** : I just want to know that you’re safe and sound

 **[mamashark]** : it’s been hours, where are you?

 **[mamashark]** : I’m worried Hanna.

 **[mamashark]** : please get back to me

 **[mamashark]** : or to someone else.

 **[mamashark]** : I’m always here for you, okay? no matter what.

**~Private chat** between users _failing fine arts_ and _walking chlorine_ ~

 **[failing fine arts]** : han?

 **[failing fine arts]** : baby?

 **[failing fine arts]** : r u safe?

 **[failing fine arts]** : u r not physically hurt right?

 **[failing fine arts]** : srsly

 **[failing fine arts]** : u r starting to piss me off

 **[failing fine arts]** : respond to someone

 **[failing fine arts]** : HANNA!!!!

 **[failing fine arts]** : ffs reply to someone ASAP!!!!

 **[failing fine arts]** : sorry i didnt mean that, im not angry w u, just want to know u r ok

**~Private chat** between users _h.one_ and _onehanna_ ~

 **[h.one]** : hey, i know u r hurting but we all just want to help u no matter whats wrong, so just know that we all r here for u whenever, ok? just dont do anything stupid pls, hoseok (he is next to me) and i love u, hanna

**~Private chat** between users _heoney_ and _onehanna_ ~

 **[heoney]** : i know u probs have like 1k msgs but if u need a place to stay tonight, to not be alone, my roommate is gone for the night

 **[heoney]** : and i would rather u come to mine than to stay alone

 **[heoney]** : im worried

 **[heoney]** : u matter

**~Private chat** between users _bear_ and _shark_ ~

 **[bear]** : i didnt really want to text you because i know how stubborn you are and wouldnt respond anyway, but i just wanted to tell you that the lane felt empty without you, finally realized how much i can miss you, stay safe ok? i dont want to push you into swimming or anything, just want you to be happy… after all you are my favourite girl/sister in the world, i guess i just dont want to lose you

**~Private chat** between users _I.M_ and _walking chlorine_ ~

 **[I.M]** : hey

 **[I.M]** : u alright?

 **[I.M]** : where have u been all day?

 **[I.M]** : havent heard from u since lunch

 **[I.M]** : im worried tbh

 **[I.M]** : pls txt me back

 **[I.M]** : im starting to get rly worried

 **[I.M]** : hanna?

 **[I.M]** : are you there?

Hours later I check my phone to find a million of messages from everyone. Everyone was texting me over the course of the time I was not in reach multiple times checking in with me. Now that I read all of them, I wanted to talk to one person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is the person Hanna wants to see after such a rough day? Will she really quit swimming?  
> Isn't Hosoek the kindest person on Earth? He only deserves sunshine and loving Monbebe. Let's shower him with love online please <3
> 
> As a swimmer there is a lot of instances during which you really want to quit, but always get back up and show up at the pool, but then there are moments like these, when the only right thing to do is save yourself.
> 
> I hope you like the chapter and let me know what you think please. <3


	8. The Loss of Beijing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello and welcome back! It's a chapter of us and downs, like always. Something starts to get uncovered and who knows what will happen next?  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy reading it. As always. :)

I decide that texting won’t do it for me this time. So I dial a number.

“Hanna? Are you alright? Where are you? I’ll come to you,” comes after 1 ring from the other side.

“Are you in the studio by any chance?” I ask in a hopeful voice.

“Yeah,” the respond comes fast.

“And can you pick me up before the first set of locked doors? I can’t get in.”

“Coming.” And the line goes silent. Couple of moments later I see Changkyun running down the hall to open the glass-and-wooden door for me with his key card. When the door opens he’s breathless as if he sprinted to the door. “Come on.”

I follow him to the studio in silence but it’s not awkward between us, on the contrary the aura of the silence would be enjoyable if I didn’t have the heavy matter over my head and shoulders.

We enter the small studio and go straight to the chairs as if it was a normal day. “Wanna hear what I’m working on?”

I nod. I’m always eager to hear Changkyun’s new music. I relax in the chair, peace flowing through me for the first time that day - I feel at peace with the world, with myself. Suddenly I think I know what I will do.

And so I decided to voice my thoughts and hear his opinion. “I think I’ll try my best in Beijing, but am I a bad person if I want to take a break afterwards?”

“Absolutely not,” Changkyun reassures with me. “You are one of the strongest women I’ve met in my life.” He reaches with his hand to stroke my head, threading his finger through my hair.

“That’s not really the answer to my question,” I say quietly.

He makes a small sigh. “Wanting a break does not make you a bad person. Wanting a break makes you a tired person. And what does your body do when it’s tired? It sleeps, takes a break after a long day, you’ve had a 15-years-long day, you just need to sleep. And if you wake up and still feel tired then take a rest day. We all know, including you, where swimming stands in your heart and how much you have sacrificed to it. Being a tired person does not make you any less loving, it just makes you tired. Even people in love can become tired. You just need to take a break,” Changkyun talks slowly giving emotions to his words everywhere they’re necessary, all that as he was petting my hair with tender care. I felt so good in that moment, so at peace and as if I knew exactly where I’m supposed to be in life. It was a strange feel of belonging that I never even felt at/in the pool. The only question was why I felt like this and where that place that I feel I belong to is. Because if it always feels this good I never want to leave that place.

“Your hair is so long,” Changkyun said looking at my free hanging hair without an elastic band binding it. “I think this is like the second time I see you with hair down when it’s dry.”

“Yeah, it tends to get annoying. All that chlorine pretty much destroyed it,” I sigh and touch the ends of my hair, looking at the dry hair

Changkyun replies almost inaudibly when he removes his hand from my hair to get back to his work. “It’s pretty.”

I just sit there in his studio and watch him work, answer his questions about the music he’s making and try to give him feedback. At some point he even praises me for my feedback becoming better and more coherent than when I first started hanging out in his studio; that my ear is getting better and that my feedback has actually helped him make better music (even Jooheon said that).

This was probably the second time I have not fallen asleep in the studio and I felt pretty bad that I’ve always fallen asleep and admitting this to Changkyun he replied I’d fallen asleep during the boring part so he doesn’t mind, but he also liked it today when I stayed up. He’s okay with both as long as I’m okay with it.

When I get to dorms I realize it’s probably time to text the others as well.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : hey guys

I waited until all heads of people went to the position of ‘read’.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

**[onehanna]** : im sorry for what happened at lunch and thank u for being worried

 **[onehanna]** : u r the best of best friends I couldve ever gotten and thank u for being there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on

 **[onehanna]** : I have made space in my head to comprehend what is going on and how to deal with it

 **[onehanna]** : but that one person im to most apologetic too is Hyunwoo

 **[onehanna]** :Hyunwoo, I am so fcking sorry abt what I said and just pls know that u r and forever will be my number one brother even when/if what we talked abt happens, u will always be number one

 **[onehanna]** : u will never lose me

 **[onehanna]** : ever

 **[onehanna]** : you’ll have to beg me to leave u alone after u get married

 **[Hungry Bear]** : i get it, just dont want you to give up and feel bad about it afterwards, i just care too much for you little sister

 **[not_my_mom]** : no matter what happens, ever, I would do anything just to not see you cry again, ok? I am better than your mom after all :) right?

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : hanna, hyunwoo didn’t tell us what happened but I know you well enough to tell

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : so my decision is that friday night u r going to become a vegetarian on my watch

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : what min?

 **[not_my_mom]** : he means he will get hanna hammered drunk, salad point

 **[happybunny]** : hanna, i will forgive u for crying if u come out on friday w us and then to my dive meet on sunday

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : y would u need to forgive her??? sry man i just dont get it… :/

 **[happybunny]** : cause she is not allowed to cry, cause she doesnt deserve to cry, only to be happy and loved all the time

 **[happybunny]** : and that goes to all of u

 **[happybunny]** : u all will have to ask for forgiveness from me when u finish being sad

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : ok

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : srsly, ive never met a kinder guy than u hoseok

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : but yeah, he is right hanna, pls dont cry ever again u dont deserve to be sad

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : i know i have a bony shoulder, but mine is always opened if u need it

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : its not the only thing that u have bony

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : WTH MIN!!!!!

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : oh cmon min… srlsy

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : what i was talking abt was his elbows, ribs, knees…

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : its u guys, who have dirty minds

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : u idiots hahahahahahaah

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : lol u win min

 **[happybunny]** : thought it was u guys who didnt want us to start

 **[Hungry Bear]** : not necessary, hoseok

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : NO! NO! NO! NO!

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : nope

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : definitely can live w/o it

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : would min think over his life choices lmao

 **[happybunny]** : absolutely <3

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : btw

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : kyun, we all offered words of comfort to hanna but u r the only one who said nothing

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : wtf?

 **[happybunny]** : i was literally abt to ask that

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i did mine in person

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : plus mine were not as sappy as urs

 **[not_my_mom]** : what? hanna, you met with kyun?

 **[happybunny]** : i feel offended :(

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : me too :/

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : WHAT??? HOW COULD U DO THAT TO ME??? UR BEST FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!

 **[not_my_mom]** : idk min, I smell fish

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : u smell what again?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : something fishy

 **[happybunny]** : oooohhh u think min?

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : not following guys

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : me neither

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : oooh, ok, now i got it

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i agree ki

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : muahahaha truer words have never been spoken brother :D :D

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : still not following

 **[onehanna]** : guys

 **[onehanna]** : srsly

 **[onehanna]** : its not that deep

 **[happybunny]** : ok shes back :D:D

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : love u :3

I lay back on my bed re-reading the conversation 3 times more. Truth be told there were still days I couldn’t believe that these amazing 7 men were my friends. Had I never met Hoseok again at the pool I would have never have The Core Four in my life and I do believe I would have missed out on so many fantastic memories and exciting times. I think I need to start praying to gods (dead and alive) to express my gratitude.

**~Private chat** between users _I.M_ and _walking chlorine_ ~

 **[walking chlorine]** : thank you kyunnie :)

 **[I.M]** : always :)

It took me until Wednesday evening till I came back to the pool; I skipped dry-land too. Kyun was right, I needed a break, but that could wait until Beijing was over. But after quite a lot of thinking I’ve done instead of studying while I was sitting in the library in quiet section so I didn’t have to talk to anyone; I decided that I will go to Beijing and I will try my best but if it doesn’t go well I won’t give a fuck. And after we come back from Beijing I will take time to rest. If I take 1 week, 1 month or 3 months… I first have to deal with how I feel about working so hard and focus on having good grades on my final exams. Those are important since they weight on 60% of my final grade for my 1st year of uni. Right now, with the state of my shoulder pain I think the rest will come in the right time.

I waltzed in on Wednesday afternoon on time to see a huge smile spread across Hyunwoo’s face when warming up. When I joined him and started to do my warm up coach approached.

“Kang, where the hell have you been?!” he roared.

My blood started boiling but I took Hyungwon’s advice from yesterday to keep my cool, when he starts shouting at me - to not cower. “I just didn’t feel like coming.”

That caught him off guard and he blinked in shock. “You didn’t feel like coming,” he said astonished. “How…”

“How do I dare? Simply. I swim because I want to and because I love it. Not to have you shout at me for not trying hard enough. Both Hyunwoo and I work our asses off every freaking day just to have to compare us, time competitors, to sports like water polo, which is a game and synchronized swimming which is an artistic that no matter how difficult it is, because it is, has nothing to do with competing against time?” I put my arms to my hips. “You have no right to compare us to athletes to other sports. That was first of all. Second of all, I never ever said I want or desire to be a professional athlete and to make a living from swimming. I am a Sports Medicine student and I want to pursue a career in it. Thirdly, I lost fat and gained muscle. And last but least, so what if I have friends I want to hang out with on Friday nights?”

My speech shocked him so much that for the rest of the practise he didn’t even speak to me about the times I swam. Honestly, today I could not care. I finally got what I’d been needing - a break away from another person, who was just like my father.

**~D-DAY FLIGHT TO BEIJING, MID-APRIL - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

The day the bus to the airport was leaving with all the water polo players, girls from synchronized swimming and Hyunwoo and I was probably the least hectic pre-travel day I’ve ever had. In the past month I have put myself in place, where I worked hard but also laid back when it was necessary. I started to recognize the needs and wants of my body when it came to diet and training. And I felt good.

I spent more time with my friends and not only in ice-baths and at cupping therapies. I hung out with Changkyun in his studio and stopped falling asleep every time I’d been there. I studied more with Ki, which made him feel a little less like a nerd, but then again he was double majoring as the only one in our group, so of course he had to study more. And I even fell asleep with Hyungwon in the library once, which I would have never been able to do that due to my all time full schedule of something. These days I had time to study, swim and hang out. I finally found my balance.

All 6 guys came to see us off. It wasn’t heartbreaking or anything, just a regular kind of ‘Oh you guys are going to a World Cup semi-finals in university swimming. Good luck then!’ see off. But I was still so happy they came.

~Changkyun POV~

 **~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[not_my_mom]** : any updates from Beijing?

 **[onehanna]** : hyunwoo is abt to go get ready for 200 breast

 **[happybunny]** : ok waiting for results ^-^

Changkyun had a lecture-less day where he booked the studio yet again. Today he was getting ready for his battle the next day at RapGround. He felt bad that they scheduled another one where Hanna and Hyunwoo won’t be. It’s going to be the first without all of his friends present.

He really enjoyed them going all together since at first it wasn’t about the battle, he just wanted to try it but they kept encouraging him to keep on going and Jooheon started to get more invested in composing music with him. It was needless to say that Jooheon had some really great music laying around on his hard drives and internet clouds. Sometimes Changkyun felt like his best friend was some kind of a music magician, that’s how much in awe he was of Jooheon. Brother from another mother, seriously…

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : hyunwoo qualified to finals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **[onehanna]** : yeeeeesss

 **[happybunny]** : AWESOME!!!!!

 **[not_my_mom]** : I knew he could do it!

 **[not_my_mom]** : go get them Hyunwoo!

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : whooohoooo hyunwooooo let’s gooooo

 **[happybunny]** : wonnie is very happy too and says congrats and break a leg but hes to lazy to reach for his phone

 **[not_my_mom]** : classic

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : lol won

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : hyunwoo, great job, we will celebrate when u guys get back!

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : YES! nice! keep on going strong!

 **[Hungry Bear]** : thanks guys, let’s cheer for hanna now, she just left for 800 free

Changkyun knew there was some time before the next update all the way from Beijing would come so he immersed himself in his work. It was going fairly well, but he had a weird feeling about the upcoming battle. He wasn’t entirely sure about the beats - as if they weren’t fitting into each other that well. Something was off but Changkyun couldn’t really pinpoint it.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[Hungry Bear]** : hanna placed fourth in 800 in a new PB by 3,67 sec

 **[Hungry Bear]** : she looked happy

 **[Hungry Bear]** : the coach was angry though

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : that piece of a shit doesnt deserve a swimmer like hanna

 **[happybunny]** : yeah wtf is he angry abt

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : exactly what is his deal???

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : smack him hyunwoo

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : for us

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : just do it

 **[Hungry Bear]** : what the hell minhyuk?!

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : that seems a lil too aggressive to ask of hyunwoo u know

 **[not_my_mom]** : is hanna ok with her time?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : yes, as I said she seemed happy

 **[Hungry Bear]** : she told me she didnt really care as much about what happens here

 **[onehanna]** : yeah, I’m happy with the turnout of events

 **[onehanna]** : tomorrow 1500

 **[happybunny]** : GO GET THEM!

 **[happybunny]** : good luck in the afternoon hyunwoo

In the afternoon the group chat was lit on fire by message from Hanna about Hyunwoo winning bronze on 200 breast stroke. Everyone was really happy for them.

The next day messages from Beijing came positive as well. At first Hyunwoo made finals for 50 breast stroke from 8th place, but in the finals he places 6th which was great and he was apparently pretty happy about it even though it wasn’t his best time. Message about Hanna’s 1500 free style came when the gang started pre-drinks at Kihyun and Minhyuk’s place. She placed 3rd in 1500 freestyle with another PB. Now both Hyunwoo and Hanna could rest until their flight on Sunday morning.

While back at uni the 6 of them made their way to RapGround. Just like the day before Changkyun was still unsure about the music he was going into the battle with, but it was too late to change it now.

And he was right.

Changkyun reaches the gang’s usual corner, the mood looking sort of down and grim. When thy spot him approaching their faces settle in you-were-good-though expressions.

“There must’ve come a day when your winning streak was over,” Jooheon tapped him on the shoulder.

“Yeah next time you’ll be back, steeled up to fight for the crown again,” Minhyuk said dramatically.

“If you care for any of DJ’s advice,” Hyungwon started tentatively and continuing after Changkyun gave him a nod. “Try rapping to a slower beat. Might have a better effect than you expect.”

“Oh, that might actually work really well with your voice,” Jooheon joins him.

Hoseok pushes a newly brought drink into Changkyun’s hand and both he and Kihyun finally rejoin the 4 guys. “Shame you lost, man,” Hoseok shakes his head.

“Yeah, it’s ‘cause Hanna’s not here,” Changkyun says without a bother whether he won or lost.

Kihyun looks at the rapper in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You see, had she been here I wouldn’t have lost.”

“And why is that?” Hyungwon investigates this statement further.

“Because had she been here and I lost, she would have made fun of me for the rest of my life. So I wouldn’t have lost because I couldn’t if I wanted to keep my dignity, which I always do.”

Minhyuk makes a face half confused half understanding Changkyun’s logic.

“Since she’s not here, I could lose, so I did.”

“So you’re gonna blame Hanna for your loss?” Hoseok asks.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Changkyun replies swiftly. “The guy was a little better than me, even I noticed that when I was on stage. But she doesn’t need to know that.”

And understanding ‘aaaahhhh’ spreads around 5 of Changkyun’s friends.

“You’re really a good friend,” Hyungwon shakes his head smiling at Changkyun’s logic.

“Literally her BEST friend,” Changkyun proudly states.

“No, Kihyun is Hanna’s best friend,” Hoseok announces the obvious fact.

“Yeah, he gives her food. I cannot beat that,” Changkyun admits, his defeat making everyone around laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is going on between Hanna and Kyun, seriously though? Did you think she would go back to swimming? I guess, that's who she is. She never gives up on something she loves. Until she does, right?  
> And Changkyun lost his first battle at RapGround after so many wins.  
> I hope you liked and please leave some feedback. :)  
> In the next chapter something about Minhyuk is revealed that might break your heart slightly. And also a couple of toast will be administered at the after-final-exams party.  
> Until next chapter ^_^


	9. Breakdown to Toasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk goes through a breakdown and the gang toasts to the end of their first year at uni.

**~1 WEEK BEFORE FINAL EXAMS START, END OF MAY - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

Saying my life has changed after Beijing would be an understatement.

I have put myself on hiatus from swimming. To the coach I said it’s indefinite. To Hyunwoo I said the longest I will stop swimming for is until the beginning of 2nd year, which was taken with a healthy dose of understanding and I felt like Hyunwoo let go a little bit too, focusing on his studies a little bit more too, which came after a really long conversation with Kihyun behind closed doors (according to Minhyuk). To my mom I said I don’t know when I get back to the pool, but I would do it when I’m ready and that right now finishing the year with good grades was important to me a tad more - she wholeheartedly agreed with me, happy knowing that I finally got hold on the reins of my life. To my dad, I said I’d stopped forever, much to his dismay, and that I was done following the dreams he could have not achieved when he was my age - and he stopped talking to me what so ever, no phone call, no text and even my mom said he’d stopped asking about me.

A heavy stone has lifted off my chest as I was breathing the air of less restrained freedom; the restraints still being my morals, which seemingly lately always disappeared when I went out with my friends. Oh well…

The final self study week was on now, the amount of knowledge everyone was supposed to know dawning on all of my friends. Me including. I realized I’d known a good amount to pass but my pride would not have that with me. I needed to strive for better, always, whether it was swimming or studies. There was always space to get better.

I was sitting in the library’s group study section with Kihyun and Hoseok. Hyunwoo was doing some research in the silent section; Hyungwon, Jooheon and Changkyun were in the music building working on projects of their own. Won and Jooheon only had 1 exam from music theory and the rest were project submissions with pretty tight deadlines so our hang outs these past couple of days were mostly online in the group chat or in small groups. Changkyun had a couple of exams from physics of sound with two essay submissions and some music production projects, so he was mainly working in the small library that was in the music building since it was easier for him to find resources there or in a booked out studio. Hoseok, Kihyun and I usually hung out together in the group study - keeping the family fireplace burning safely, so to say. Hoseok was good at focusing on his work and filtering out unnecessary noises and he hated studying alone. Psychology was a course both Kihyun and I found interesting so sometimes when he stumbled upon something in his books he would share it. Usually we tried to discuss it with him to help him study and he said it was working; that he was remembering things better thanks to our small conversations. Kihyun and I had an overlapping course so we studied some of the nutrition stuff together, but I was mainly focusing on the biggest problem at hand at that was the amount of notes from Sports Medicine 101. It was crazy how much I had written in class, but apparently I needed all of it.

**~Private chat** between users _failing fine arts_ and _walking chlorine_ ~

 **[failing fine arts]** : han?

 **[failing fine arts]** : u busy?

 **[walking chlorine]** : in the lib

 **[walking chlorine]** : smth going on??

 **[failing fine arts]** : i think im having a breakdown

 **[failing fine arts]** : but dont wanna bother u

 **[failing fine arts]** : just

 **[failing fine arts]** : i really cant anymore

 **[walking chlorine]** : leaving now

 **[walking chlorine]** : r u in ur room?

 **[failing fine arts]** : yes

 **[walking chlorine]** : ok

 **[walking chlorine]** : i will stop by the corner shop

 **[walking chlorine]** : so be there in 15 :)

 **[walking chlorine]** : hang in there ok?

I hastily walked out of the library after telling Hoseok and Kihyun that I had go, that something is up. They asked what it was about but if Minhyuk wanted to talk to anyone other than me he would have posted it into the group chat, which proved my point that something indeed was up. I found myself agreeing with Hyunwoo in the position I was in right now. It’s not my story to tell, so I left with a quick ‘it’s urgent, can’t talk now’. Both guys looked worried, but if I knew Minhyuk well, which I did, I supposed that as soon as the 2 of us deal with the problem at hand, the rest of the 6 will know.

Arriving at Minhyuk’s dorm which he shared with Kihyun felt like coming home. Not that I the first year I had enough time to spend it at Min and Ki’s but it was the home they created for me with their presences.

I knocked on Minhyuk’s door and it opened almost instantly. His face is very puffy and red, it’s obvious he’s been crying for a while now. Who knows how long it’s been before he texted me. I feel bad I couldn’t be here sooner. “Sorry it took me so long.”

Minhyuk sniffed. “It didn’t. I saw your run across the grounds.”

I walked in, kicking my shoes of and throwing my bag on the ground. I followed Minhyuk to his room and closed the door behind me. He sat on his bed hugging his knees and with his back against the wall covered with his sketches and random streaks of various colours. Anyone, who would see the wall for the first time for afar and not know Minhyuk, would think it’s some kind of a mess, but when you looked closely every single element that was put on the wall had a logic placement and fit into the bigger picture. And those who knew Min, like I did, would know that this is how his mind worked. A chaos from further away but as you look closer and closer you see that everything has its precise place in this chaos, creating every single thing that makes Minhyuk Minhyuk.

I sat next to him on the bed, my legs stretched in front of me and snaked my arm around his shoulders and put my head on his shoulder. We sat like this for a good half hour. “You wanna talk about it?”

“It’s better to show I think,” Min pointed at a sketchbook that lay at his pillow. “Just take a look.”

I open the sketchbook and look at various pencil sketches of eyes, noses, lips, hands, body postures. All of these terribly familiar, but I couldn’t seem to place them. “Min, but these are beautiful.”

“Yeah, but they’re not my work,” he says irritated.

“I’m not following you here.”

“I have the same sketchbook as one of my class mates, this one is hers.”

“Okay…”

“All those drawings… it’s Heonie,” he upsetly pushes out of himself. I feel like he’s not telling me something but I’ll squeeze it out.

“And why does that bother you?”

“Because I don’t want her to draw him… I don’t want anyone to draw him,” he pouts.

Now I get it.

“Because you want to draw him… like one of your French girls?” I tease him hoping to get the result I want. And it worked.

Min’s lips curl into a ridiculed smirk and a quick burst of laughter comes out. “Really?! I’m having a breakdown and you bust out Titanic?”

“Made you smile, didn’t it?” I say proud of myself.

“Yeah,” he smirks at it again. He looks away from me and stares at his wall blankly, probably picturing Lee Jooheon in place of Kate Winslet.

“But for real though, Min. Does it bother you because she drew it well or because she drew someone you like?”

“I want to say it’s only the latter, but to be frank, it’s both,” he shakes his head and stifles a sob in the way only Minhyuk does - by laughing it off nervously. I’ve seen it enough times to recognize it.

“So it hurt your ego too?” I still try to bring him back to the light side, because seeing Min cry is such a painful thing. I would compare it to full force smashing your pinkie toe on the edge of a piece of furniture 4 times in a row.

“Yeah. But this time, it’s not about that,” his mood dropped again.

“You know, you’ve always been the one who has been constantly telling me to say things how I feel them. Whether I love or hate them. Honesty is the best policy. That’s what you’ve always told me, Min. Are you not going to follow your own advice?”

“I gave you that advice about your dad and swimming. Never about boys,” he nibs at anything that can cut him some slack.

“But I’ve started applying that everywhere not just the areas you meant it for. And look at me today.”

“I am. I don’t see anything special,” he says nudging at my side.

I laugh. “Should I re-think the value of our friendship?”

“Go ahead. You’ll come to the same conclusion as always. You can’t live without me.”

“Truer words have never been spoken my dearest of friends.”

He scoffs at me using his line and offers me a small sad smile.

“Why don’t you tell him?” I ask him straightforwardly.

“Because he has some one he likes. He told me himself. And how can I, Lee Minhyuk, compare to someone that he, Lee Jooheon, likes?” Minhyuk tells me in a sad voice that has a lot of pain lacing it.

“You’re right, you can’t” I shrug and wait for Minhyuk to look at me, knowing I will get an accusing look from him and I do, so I continue, “Like why would you compare yourself to someone who is so much lower? Not only you shouldn’t, you can’t do that to yourself. I will not allow it. And imagine you having to beg for forgiveness from Hoseok afterwards. No wait, I actually want to see the latter.”

He scoffs again. “God, sometimes you can be such a bitch,” he says laughing lightly.

“Heeey, that’s why you love me,” I snuggle to him again, cat like.

“Yeah, you’re better at this than Kihyun. No matter how much I love him, he sucks at this. Do you know what he told me last time I had a mini-breakdown?”

“’Clean your room, it will help?’ Or ‘wash the dishes to get you mind off it?’ Or this one ‘ if you helped me cook and clean more, you wouldn’t have time to think about stupid shit?’ Those are my guesses.”

“Oh my God. Were you here?” Minhyuk pulls away in disbelief.

I laugh and he joins me. This time it’s a happier laugh that roots in happier times without worries that even though they haven’t been that long ago still feel like it’s been ages. I feel like the 3 of us grew up so much compared to our last year at high school.

I have a hunch that this thing is not over, that only a part of the wildfire has been extinguished but the thing about Minhyuk is the fact that there is no use in pushing him to talk more about it. He has his own way of sharing things with people. There are things that he wants to share with everybody - all the happy stuff, good times and great memories, however he stifles all of his sad feeling inside of him until he has a breakdown where he cries his heart out to the point where ugly cry is far prettier than what he looks like; his face is puffy and bloated for the next 2 days no matter what he does to prevent it. He is just so used to being happy all the time and people genuinely enjoying his happiness that he is worried if he cries in front of people they will think less of him, which honestly if they do, they are one massive pile of assholes.

**~AFTER FINAL EXAMS, MID-JUNE - 1ST YEAR OF UNI~**

Finals are done, essays and projects are submitted and grades are out. And so are we, sitting at RapGround, even though neither Changkyun nor Jooheon were performing today. We started hanging out there just for fun and also Kyun and Heoney usually wanted to keep an eye on how the other rappers there are doing.

I have even decided to tell the guys about my decision about going back to the pool during summer. I missed swimming very much, but what made me go back was the information that the old coach quit and we’re getting someone new. So I’ll start training slowly during summer when I have time. There are plans for the summer.

We have gone out after the exams and essays were all done, every single one of us was salad. I have no freaking clue how I got home that night and neither does any member our group. I woke up that morning on the floor of Hoseok and Wonnie’s room; Kihyun and Minhyuk were at Jooheon’s but Jooheon was at Hyunwoo’s making friends with his toilet and Changkyun was at Ki and Min’s room on the floor.

That fateful night Hoseok lost a shoe, Hyunwoo twisted his ankle, Jooheon ripped his pants along the seam on the butt, Changkyun woke up with an eyebrow piercing, Minhyuk somehow gained 3 hickeys on his neck, Kihyun had no voice in the morning, I woke up with a cow’s head mask on my head and lastly and most importantly Hyungwon most definitely lost his dignity since apparently he woke up without underwear but was sure he was wearing one when he left their place before going out.

None of knows what happened. And somehow we have a mutual understanding of not really wanting to find out. Apparently it was a long and eventful night.

And I had a terrible feeling that tonight was not going to be any different. It was the end of our first year at uni and the grades were out, we all passed, some with better grades than others, but all of us happy.

So of course we had to toast. Each having 9 shots of tequila in front of us.

“To our first year at uni!” we all shouted together.

Tequila shot.

“To Yoo Kihyun’s straight As with honors!” I shout out and everyone applauds Ki.

Tequila shot.

“To Lee Jooheon’s first sold song!” Minhyuk calls out.

Tequila shot.

“To Lee Minhyuk passing Fine Arts!” Kihyun marks a significant recognition.

Tequila shot.

“To Im Changkyun reining at RapGround!” Jooheon roared.

Tequila shot.

“To Chae Hyungwon not sleeping through 50% of his classes!” Hoseok toasts loud and proud.

Tequila shot.

“To Lee Hoseok enriching his gains, physical and mental!” Changkyun lifts up another shot glass.

Tequila shot.

“To Son Hyunwoo for keeping it for being the best friend and always hungry!” Hyungwon salutes.

Tequila shot.

“To Kang Hanna for not quitting swimming. AGAIN!” Hyunwoo cheers.

Tequila shot.

After that, the night became a little blurry. We drank, laughed, roared stupid toasts that didn’t make sense and the bartenders at RapGround had a good show out of us surely. But I think we were happy and enjoying life’s best and having the best time of our lives.

I vaguely remember kissing a guy just outside the entrance to RapGround before being torn away from him by a guy with familiar deep voice and an eyebrow piercing, whom I later in the morning placed as Changkyun.

When I woke up in the morning I was happy to find out there was no cow. I had a head ache like one though. Yet again I made a mental note to myself that I should start drinking responsibly. But somehow these mental notes always come after I wake up with a smashing hangover.

I sit up and look at myself, feeling my body for possible injuries, because I’m sure blacking out like this cannot be good for your body. Trust me. I’m studying to be a doctor. I seem fine, so I sit up on the unfamiliar bed and look around. I spot a familiar head on the floor.

Changkyun is curled up into a ball on the floor, bed made out of 2 duvets and covered with a towel. Next to him a washbasin. Thankfully clean.

I hop off the bed and go over to what I suppose would be a bathroom, since it’s the only other door except the entrance door to his dorm room. I walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.

“What the actual fuck?” I say touching my neck that is speckled with hickeys and bites going all the way down to my upper boobs. I keep whispering ‘what the fuck’ to myself over and over. “How the hell…”

Deciding it would be better to wash my face at least with water, I do exactly that. After I’m done I walk out of the bathroom only to discover Changkyun has woken up and is sitting on the floor his head in his hands.

“Yo, you look worse than I feel,” I greet him.

He looks up at me confused. “How’d you get in here?”

“I slept here.”

“Did something happen?” his eye wander down to my hickeys.

“I don’t think these are from you,” I say as I put my hand over my chest and to my neck.

“Oh, thank God!”

I lift an eyebrow at him not following.

“I would hate to be that asshole.”

Oh. “I know right? It’s like 30 degrees outside and I’m supposed to wear a turtleneck or a scarf. What the fuck?!” I fall back on his bed frustrated. He gets up to go to the bathroom.

Both our phones ring.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[not_my_mom]** : wtaf…

 **[onehanna]** : ikr

 **[not_my_mom]** : where are you han?

 **[onehanna]** : kyuns place

 **[onehanna]** : dont ask how I got here

 **[onehanna]** : have no fckng clue

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : me neither

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : guys idk where i am

 **[not_my_mom]** : what do you mean?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : like i dont recognize the place

 **[not_my_mom]** : what is there?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : a toilet and a shower

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : but its not my place

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : i shouldve turned off my notifications

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : heoney what do you mean its not ur place???

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : should we go look for u????

 **[not_my_mom]** : doubt you can get out of bed min

 **[onehanna]** : agree w ki

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : still

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : should we go look for u?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : dont worry

 **[Hungry Bear]** : i hear Jooheon from my bathroom

 **[Hungry Bear]** : youre in my bathroom Jooheon

 **[happybunny]** : BEST

 **[happybunny]** : NIGHT

 **[happybunny]** : EVER

 **[happybunny]** : !!!!!!

 **[happybunny]** : no joke

 **[onehanna]** : agreed

 **[onehanna]** : one of the better ones

 **[onehanna]** : just wait for summer…

 **[onehanna]** : hihi

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : u have plans or smth?

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : is it what i think it is?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : definitely

 **[not_my_mom]** : oh no

 **[not_my_mom]** : not again

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : i bet hanna already has a perfectly planned itinerary :)

 **[not_my_mom]** : that will blow up after day one

 **[not_my_mom]** : like last year

 **[Hungry Bear]** : definitely

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : what r the plans?

 **[onehanna]** : RAAAAAAAAAAVEEESSSSS!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So was Kyun really not the person, who gave Hanna the hickeys? And what's going to happen between Jooheon and Minhyuk?
> 
> I hope you liked it <3 Please come back next time to see a little bit of summer festival spirit, since the Covid-19 situation cancelled the plans for the summer this year; also a little bit of a protective (or jealous?) Changkyun.


	10. Who Loves, Raves!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello and welcome to the summer chapter! The gang goes through the first half of their summer break in this chapter. This chapter was heavily inspired by my own personal experiences, I hope you like it. :)

**~2ND WEEK OF JULY - SUMMER AFTER 1ST YEAR AT UNI~**

Moving out of the dorms was easy for me since I didn’t have much time to accumulate things anyway, but some of the guys had major problems.

Minhyuk for one bought so much paint of various kinds of which many were used once or not at all, so packing his stuff was a nightmare. His parents had to make 3 trips to bring everything to their home, because my best friend refused to throw out even dried pain claiming it can be used for something, but knowing his mom, who is also a painter just not out of profession, she will go through it the moment Minhyuk sets his foot out of the house and will throw away everything that cannot be used anymore. She is a very practical woman who hates hoarding, Minhyuk sometimes joked about how she can even love him when he has so much stuff lying around.

Kihyun on the other hand bought a lot of books with recipes and detailed sports nutrition. He was seriously considering joining the professional nutrition field for athletes and celebrities. He loved cooking and said many times he wouldn’t mind doing it for a living, but not as a chef because they cook the same meals until the restaurant changes them, which isn’t very creative. Plus he said he wouldn’t be able to sing to himself while cooking if he worked in an industrial kitchen. He loved to sing everywhere at any given opportunity. Much to Hyungwon’s and Jooheon’s confusion he refused them multiple times when both offered to compose and produce a song for him.

I never would have guessed it, but Hyungwon had a massive amount of clothes and so many still had the tags on them. He was a stylish guy with model like physique and features, so people still contacted him and sent him clothes to try to get him back into the modelling industry. Only later on I found out why he got out of there.

Hyunwoo and Hoseok threw away a lot of protein tubs saying that these were the empty ones they didn’t throw away. Hoseok said he was periodically discarding the empty containers but sometimes he forgot and left it on the counter of in the cupboard.

Jooheon and Changkyun had it easy like me. One trip, couple of bag and for them most importantly their laptops.

I woke up in my room at my parents’ house pretty early in the morning, my body still not adjusting to the fact it doesn’t need to get up this early every day, but at least I had time to drink coffee with my mom before she headed to work, my dad still ignoring me.

I walk into the kitchen as my mom is making the coffee for both of us, my dad already gone.

“Morning, sweetie,” she smiles at me kindly and we both sit down at the table and I watch her eat breakfast while I sip my coffee. My mom made the best coffee - I mean what would you expect from the owner of a very successful café that she has built up on her own? Finally 2 years ago she stopped also being a barista on working shifts there too. The café is so successful she doesn’t need to work manually there anymore but can take care of the business side more. She still covers shifts for her staff if they are ill, on holiday or something unexpected happened and there is no one, who can take the shift. She really loves making coffee, drinking coffee and anything coffee really. I remember that when I was at middle school she always smelled like freshly roasted coffee beans, when she picked me up from school. It became the smell that was my childhood. Chlorine and coffee, those two smells I could classify as my childhood, my teen age hood and the definition of home.

“So mom, I’m packing today. I’m leaving before noon,” I say as-a-matter-of-factly.

“Oh? Are you going on a trip?” she sounds a little surprised but doesn’t oppose. She’s just like she told me she would be once I go to university. She wanted me to study hard but also enjoy the life of a student before I have to go into the life of an adult. As long as I was safe and careful with my health, clean from drugs and out of the hands of police she was okay with the stuff I did. I loved her for it more this year than the last one.

“Ultra Town begins on Friday,” I mention one of my favourite festivals.

“Oh ok. Just be the smart girl you are, ok?” she makes sure to tell me this every time I had out to party.

“Mooom…” I sigh. “I am an athlete, I won’t really do anything that harms my body.”

“In these rave times of yours I am not sure you realize you’re an athlete. Don’t forget I’ve seen you last year drinking with Kihyun and Minhyuk. I truly would love to say they have a bad influence on you, but I am afraid it’s the other way around,” she smiled knowingly.

“You have no idea,” I laugh shortly realizing that I am so lucky to have such an understanding mom, but on the other hand it balances out the idiot my father makes out of himself. So yeah…

“How long will you be gone for?”

“I have no clue, mom,” I try to think about it. “Since after Ultra Town there are a bunch of parties I want to go to again. I’ll probably stay at Kihyun’s most of the time, just so you know.” I lift my brows to signalize that we’re talking about dad.

“Go to Minhyuk’s too. You shouldn’t bother Kihyun all the time,” she smiles at me again but she knows that no matter what Kihyun’s mom would never be bothered by me staying there, just like if Kihyun stayed for however long he wanted my mom wouldn’t be bothered. “Okay, gotta go. Take care, baby. And pack some warm clothes too, okay? I know it’s over 30 degrees everyday these days, but it might get cold if it rains.” With that she leaves the kitchen to go put her shoes on and I follow her.

“I’ll stop by the café if I need something, okay?”

“So you won’t stop by if your old mom would just like to see you?” she teases me.

“No, only if I want to see you,” I reply and smile back.

“Okay.”

“Bye, mom.” And the door closes behind her, time to get packing.

Ultra Town is the best festival ever. Have I mentioned that before? I bought my tickets the moment they went on sale couple days before Christmas. There are multiple stages playing various kinds of music like EDM, Electronic House, DnB and more, but there is also a rap stage where Jooheon and Changkyun have been hanging out the first day the most. We went to the festival together but didn’t necessarily stay together the whole time.

Minhyuk got lost like 5 minutes after we passed the gates, classic. He’s done that last year everywhere we went with Kihyun. After the first 3 times of him getting lost we gave up trying to find him and only texted him where we were so he can find us.

Our group chat was filled with ‘where are you guys?’ and pictures of locations in the crowds or photos from the tent town when someone couldn’t find the ay back to our tents.

The second day at Ultra Town was beginning and I woke up in the tent with a slight headache and burning feet, form all the jumping and running around. I got out into the already burning sun at 11ish AM to find Hyunwoo sitting in the small circle we made with our tents so that we can sit there.

Hyunwoo’s shirtless back was towards the sun and his head in his hands. “Your back will burn if you keep sitting like that,” I hand him a bottle sunscreen.

“Thanks,” he says with pain lacing his voice.

“You don’t really sound alright. What happened after you separated from us last night?” Minhyuk exits his and Jooheon’s tent.

“Just tired and still drunk, but I can’t fall asleep anymore,” Hyunwoo admits.

“Oh, don’t worry you’ll fall asleep in the afternoon,” I said as a skilled festival goer. The very same happened to me on my first festival. I barely slept in the morning but afternoon I always took a nap and this year I was planning to do the same because I wanted to keep on going all night until dawn. Classic. “Okay, guys I’m heading to shower.”

“M’kay,” came from Kihyun inside his and my tent. I thought he was still sleeping but I guess his ‘mom’ instinct kicked in when he heard us talking outside. Grabbing my towel, swimsuit, shower toiletries bag and a big sarong that my mom brought me from Indonesia when she went on a coffee trip last year I headed towards the communal showers built in the back of the tent town.

After I come out of the shower I put on sunscreen and decide it’s too hot to even put the sarong on so I just stay in my 2 piece training swimsuit. As I was brushing my teeth, my wet long hair hanging loose on my back I heard from the side: “Hi.”

I turned to see a tall, shirtless, broad-shouldered guy with toned back and a toothbrush in his mouth. “Hey.”

“I think I saw you last night,” he tells me, clearly interested. Not that I wasn’t…

“I think you saw a lot of girls last night,” I recognize the typical pick-up line.

“I think I would remember someone with such beautiful hair,” he gives me a cocky smile, he reaches out and touches the lower half of my wet hair, gently picking them up and letting them fall back down.

I laugh ironically. I’ve probably heard all of the festival pickup lines there were.

“Do you have spare toothpaste?” he asks me and I point at the tube in front of me. As he’s about to grab it someone grabs it from him.

“Thanks,” I turn around to see Changkyun with my toothpaste in his hand squeezing some onto his toothbrush. The guy looks from him to me and I laugh at my friend’s gesture as he comes between us to brush his teeth at the long basin.

“I’m taking your shower gel,” comes from the other side of me and I just nod to Hoseok, who clearly stares at the guy that was talking to me because he cowers a little and just smiles at me and leaves with a wave.

“Seriously, that guy?” Changkyun turns to me, his mouth full of toothpaste.

“What? He just wanted toothpaste,” I play innocent.

“He didn’t want toothpaste,” he shook his head.

“And why do you care?” I mock him.

“Because I don’t want my friend to get STDs at a festival.”

“Oh my God… seriously?” I groan in frustration and then laugh ironically.

He gives me a ‘what???’ look and I turn to leave.

I come back to the tents only to discover that Jooheon and Hyungwon have woken up and are having beer for breakfast. “I see you’re having liquid bread for breakfast.”

“Nothing better than a cold draft on a hot morning,” Hyungwon admits and makes a delighted sound, at which Kihyun scoffs.

“It’s not really good for you, you know.”

“Then why are you drinking one too, Ki?” I ask laughing at the irony.

“The irony is not lost on me. But it’s not like we do this every weekend, so…” he states bluntly and laughs with me.

In the afternoon we hung out in the ‘chill zone’ which had a bunch of lounging chairs, a big sand area leading to Beach Stage, which was pretty cool since you had to take your shoes off and dance barefoot on the sand. I have spent quite some time there last year.

Hyunwoo is knocked out next to me in the shade of the pop-up tent. He looks so peaceful but we all know better. When he starts dancing he cannot be stopped.

The evening rolls around and then it is another night to remember with drunken food choices to look back at. Somehow food tastes _so much better_ when you’re drunk. I have never eaten better fried chicken than when I’d been drunk after one of the battles at RapGround; or last year at Shattered Festival I ate the single best plate of dumpling ever; and Jooheon promised to go to the festival just to eat those dumplings. When I explained that they might not be too good when he’s sober, he just needs to drink a little bit and then they become the best ones he’s had.

I am so happy that this year’s festival season begins for me at Ultra Town with these 7 men and always so grateful to have them as friends. None of us even realized how, but suddenly it was Sunday morning and we were packing our tents to go to the train station for our 1-hour long train ride back to the city.

**~END OF JULY - SUMMER AFTER 1ST YEAR~**

It’s Tuesday again, one month of our summer break has passed and we gather again to hang out at Hyungwon’s place, which has a big living room that is so comfortable for 8 people to chill when it’s raining outside like today.

Even though I would be happier if the weather was nice, the drought had gone on for far too long and temperatures were starting to become too difficult to survive in this concrete jungle, whose parks’ grass was burning under the scorching sun not offering shade when people sought solace from the parching heat.

Hyungwon’s parents were out for their annual hiking trip so we had the whole house to ourselves; Minhyuk played video games, Kihyun read some recipe books Hyungwon’s mom had lying around. Hyunwoo, Hoseok and I were eating cool watermelon and laughing at Changkyun and Jooheon groaning from their hangover. Hyungwon was laying spread across the couch just enjoying the chilled day.

I got up to go to the washing machine to transfer my clothes to the dryer. Hyungwon allowed me to wash my clothes at his place when I came over last night with the others complaining I couldn’t stay long and would have to go home that night because I needed to wash my clothes.

“Hanna how long has it been since you’d gone home?” Hoseok asked me curiously.

“Umm… let me think,” I tried to remember. “Last time I was home… was the Wednesday before Ultra, yeah…”

“Man… that’s like almost 3 weeks ago,” Minhyuk looks at me from the game he’s playing on Xbox.

“Yeah, I mainly stay at Kihyun’s, but has been at Minhyuk’s twice too,” I admit nonchalantly. It’s not like there would be anyone worrying for me at home. I text my mom regularly about where I am and who I’m staying with currently, my little brother doesn’t give a damn because it would be too lame for him to give a damn about his older sister - teenager, you know. And my dad… I don’t think that it’s necessary to mention him anyway.

“It’s nice to have someone buy you groceries,” Ki declares his opinion on me staying with him.

“Are you testing out foods on her?” Hyunwoo asks.

“I haven’t heard any complaints,” he looks at Hyunwoo and shrugs. “But I do wonder: when you went to Min’s you packed things from here, so where did you stay those two nights after which you came back in the morning to shower, brush your teeth and change clothes.”

“Hmm??” Hyunwoo looks at me with one eyebrow lifted in question. He never liked when I stayed out all night without other people knowing where I am. His brother instinct towards me was pretty strong on this side.

This has attracted attention of Minhyuk enough to pause the game and turn towards me, Hyungwon lifted his head, Hoseok stopped eating and even Jooheon and Changkyun awoke to hear my explanation.

I smile mischievously. “Well… good girls don’t kiss and tell.”

“Oh please, pleeeeaaase. Pretty please,” Minhyuk begs me to share something. Anything he can grab and dwell in on his single ass nights.

“Come on Min, you too have stories to tell from this past month so why are you begging me to share mine. You know very well I don’t talk about it unless it’s something to joke about,” I push his pleads to the side and hear a heavy sigh from Jooheon.

Minhyuk turns to him to stroke his hair and talk to him in kind voice. “Do you still feel like shit?” Hyungwon stifles laughter at this.

“Don’t laugh at me. I drank too much again…”

“And whose fault is that?”

“His,” he points at Changkyun.

“It wasn’t me, who wanted to go drinking to drown sorrows, you know,” Changkyun points out slowly, grabbing the bridge of his nose apparently in hope it would solve his headache. They drank so much that they still had quite a lot of alcohol in their blood so they couldn’t even take painkillers at this point. Just quietly suffer there on the couch.

“What sorrows?” Minhyuk seemed more and more interested in last night. I couldn’t say I wasn’t relieved it stopped being me he was interested in.

“Can we just go back to the nights when Hanna doesn’t stay at Kihyun’s?”

Or not.

“Yeah, I’m interested too,” Changkyun sits up slowly to look at me with a piercing stare.

I sigh from the top of my lungs and head on to the kitchen to grab water to drink. “You’re not getting out of this,” Kihyun calls after me.

“Watch me!” I call out back with mockery lacing the tone of my voice.

It’s not like I’m gonna go on about my one night stands. They’re nice, they’re pleasant but they’re one night stands because you never come back to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think of Kyun jumping at the toothpaste guy? Do you like Hanna's mom? Isn't she just so different from her dad? We will meet her again in the next chapter. :)  
> If you want to know what sorrows Jooheon is drowning in alcohol come back to read chapter 11 - revelations are coming!!!
> 
> Let me know what you think so far, please? ^^


	11. Who Raves, Loves (coffee)!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they're back... it's the end of the summer and in this chapter holds an important revelation about Jooheon. We meet Hanna's mom or a bit again before they go back to studies in their 2nd year.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! :D

**~10 DAYS BEFORE CLASSES START, LATE AUGUST - SUMMER AFTER 1ST YEAR AT UNI~**

“Do you want me to call Hoseok?” I ask Jooheon sitting on one of the studio chairs he has in his room at his parents’ house.

Changkyun and I came in the morning since Jooheon wanted to get some feedback from other people than only Kyun and Won. Changkyun sort of tagged along in the morning with me when I mentioned I would be going to Jooheon’s in last night’s chat.

Since the moment I crossed the threshold to Jooheon’s room I noticed he is sad and feels bad. Not physically because according to his own words he hasn’t been drinking for a while. The parties have died down now that we are getting ready to go back to uni and most us are already moving back into dorms.

This year we picked places that were close to each other out of convenience - the main one being carrying your friends from RapGround once they drank one too many. And also just staying closer to each other will let us spend more time hanging out together.

“Why would you need to call him?” Jooheon turns around to look at me.

“Because we have been listening to this song for 2 hours on the loop. I think you need psychological therapy,” I reply a little irritated. No matter how much I loved artists and musicians that wallowed in self-pity after breakups and dwelled on their hurt feelings for eternity to write more and more heartbroken songs until the world was filled with pain and frustration; I still did not prefer to listen to Sam Smith’s Stay With Me for 2 hours on loop. That’s too much ‘stay’ in 2 hours for me to handle. I must have mentioned before that I handle other people’s sadness really badly. I just have to make them smile, because I don’t know what to do with their tears.

“He’s just heartbroken,” Kyun replies for our friend.

I sigh. “Wow, it’s always a pleasure to meet you again Mr. Holmes. Do you also know the reason why the victim feels that way?”

Kyun smirks and looks at Jooheon then back at me with a glint in his eyes. “I don’t kiss and tell.”

“You do kiss and tell. I know that,” I tell him knowingly. _Where do I know that from you ask?_ I have my sources.

“Oh man, seriously? Kihyun should really change his social media passwords,” Changkyun complains. This makes Jooheon’s lips form a sad smirk.

“Have you ever been heartbroken, Hanna?” Jooheon asks me out of nowhere.

“Yeah…” I sigh again. “On a very bad day too.”

“Valentine’s?”

I scoff at that. Valentine’s is not a bad day to be heartbroken. It’s the perfect day to put yourself into suffering just so that you can create hostile environment for those sickly in-puppy-love couples. “No. October 31st.”

“Halloween?”

“Yeah. I was supposed to go out with my friends but I cried so hard I couldn’t calm down and get out of my house. I eventually cried myself to sleep, choking on tears and sobbed so hard I had muscle pain the next day. My mom thought she would have to call her doctor friend to give me something to calm down, because I cried for 2 more days, even if not so violently as the first night. My eyes were so dry it felt like they were being rubbed with sand paper, my face so puffy and bloated the whole time that I looked like a pumpkin and I literally felt sick from heartbreak.”

“How did you get over it?”

“I didn’t. I still carry the pain in my heart and occasionally tear up about it. There are days when I’m sad after seeing a post online or hearing a song that reminds me of the times before that day.”

Jooheon just nods processing the information I offered him. Changkyun just attentively listens to everything I say.

“Buuut,” I begin again. “Your sorrow that you’ve been drowning in alcohol the whole summer is heartbreak?”

“Yeah.”

“Kyun knows?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me more? You know I won’t tell anyone.”

“Yeah, I know, but you’re his best friend..."

I think I know who he means but the only way I know how to help people is to make them laugh. “You’re heartbroken over yourself?”

And this finally makes him laugh, shortly but does. Changkyun also smiles at this remark.

“No. Just the guy I like keeps meeting around with other people, slept with some too. It just kinda bothers me, that I cannot do anything about it,” Jooheon goes sad again. Minhyuk has not slept with anyone in a while. We all would have known. Trust me. He definitely kisses and tells.

“And have you tried talking to him?”

“Yeah. And I ended up backing out because he started to talk about some girl he’d met the previous day,” he explains.

“Well maybe you should talk it out, you know. Unless that friend is Hyungwon, then keep it to yourself. Don’t hurt Hoseok please,” I beg mockingly knowing very well that’s not who he likes. It’s terrible these 2 like each other but don’t have the balls to say anything because they don’t want to disrupt the group’s relationship in case they break up. Stupid. Seriously.

“It’s not Hyungwon,” Changkyun says and I come next to him to finally switch the song. To Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me a River.

_It’s Minhyuk. I know._

“But you know what is interesting?” Kyun looks away from the screen at which he has been playing with beats arranging them and re-arranging them over and over again. A process I knew nothing about. Once I asked how it works and I got an explanation, which I stopped understanding when the 2nd sentence began.

“No. What?” I stupidly ask, regretting my decision after seeing Changkyun’s smirk. _He’s about to destroy me._

“Aren’t you a little bi-polar, Hanna? Two minutes ago you were irritated with Jooheon for listening to Sam Smith and now you play _Cry Me a River?_ ” he tried. I am admitting defeat. _Cry Me a River_ is one of the best breakup songs ever. Also Epik High’s _Here Come the Regrets_ is great.

I sigh. “Every girl is bi-, Kyun. You just have to find out whether -polar or -sexual.”

“So are guys, trust me,” Jooheon whispered, the tone of his voice sounded just a tad better than 30 minutes ago, which made me feel super relieved. There needs to be some progress to one’s sadness.

**~3 DAYS BEFORE CLASSES START, EARLY SEPTEMBER - 2ND YEAR AT UNI~**

All of us have moved to our new dorms by now the rooms looking something like this.

Hoseok and Hyungwon have a big room on dorm grounds in building A, which is the building with shared rooms only. They have managed to snatch the biggest room in the building, which allowed them to put the 2 beds together and create space for two smaller bean bags and two desks that they were supposed to be studying at were being used as their ‘cupboard’ for food, protein, skin care cosmetics and a small space where they put anything that currently didn’t have a designated place. The couple really made a cosy home for themselves, but when we were first introduced to the space we were told it is for all of us to hang out if we want, saying that was their reason to try take the biggest room in the first place - so the gang has some place of their own to come if needed.

Minhyuk and Kihyun went together again, too. Kihyun refused at first but took mercy on Minhyuk because he begged Kihyun that unless they share a room Minhyuk will definitely die of hunger when he paints. Playing the feeling string worked at with a heavy mind Kihyun agreed to get a dorm with Kihyun again. They also got into A building, but on a different floor from Hoseok and Won, who were on the top floor while Ki an Min’s room was on the 1st floor. Ki was pretty happy with the size of the communal kitchen that now could easily sit 8 people (because the communal kitchen was shared by 5 rooms of 2 people) so they could eat together without having to worry about crowding a small space.

Jooheon and Changkyun decided that this year they do not want to spend together either, so each fought for a single room in building B (right opposite A) and both got it. Not on the same floor but the same building. Their rooms were identical but bigger from the rooms they both had last year, with better orientation a disposition too.

Logically both Hyunwoo and I maintained having separate rooms. For Hyunwoo the reason was his early morning practices and not having to bother whether or not he makes a sound or not. Another reason I think was he sometimes really enjoyed his own space, where he could just listen to music before sleep or do random dances around the room (yes, I’ve seen him do that).

For me it was mainly the fact that I am a girl and definitely do not want to share a room with a guy, plus my reasoning for not wanting to share with a girl were the same as Hyunwoo’s apart from the dancing. I have to wake up early and go to bed when I’m tired and cannot afford to just wait for someone to turn the lights off.

Everything was settled and we were sitting around Won’s and Hoseok’s room talking about nothing and everything; courses we’re taking that year; when the first battles at RapGround begin for Changkyun; Hyungwon’s comeback to the world of modelling as a part time job; Hoseok's new diving schedule since he made team captain at the end of last year and many more topics were rolling around.

My phone starts to ring and I look at the it seeing the picture of my mom dressed as a coffee bean. I pick up quickly. “Hey mom!”

“Hi, sweetie. Are you busy?” she asks me in a speedy manner.

“No. Just hanging out at Hoseok and Hyungwon’s room with the guys. What’s up?”

“Both my barista and cashier fell out tomorrow and I have no one to cover their shifts and there’s also that tasting event that I was planning for that one company which wanted to do a teambuilding activity at my café. But suddenly they changed and will not bring any helping hands. And I never even have that many hands on deck, even when in full staff. So are you busy tomorrow to come help your old mom? I can handle the brewing and coffee making but I need someone at the cashier, “ she explained.

“Only if I get free coffee,” I mocked her.

“Have you ever paid for your coffee?” she jokes back.

“Have I ever been paid for my work?” I smile but know she cannot see that.

“You never asked for money,” I feel a little bit of hurt in her voice.

“And I never wanted money, mom. I want coffee. I have my life priorities straight,” I tell her enlightening the mood. I truly, not once, asked for money after working there even 12 hours multiple days in row. It was my mom’s business and how could I ask her to pay me money since she has poured money into me and my upbringing my whole entire life. Of course I would help her anytime she needed and I had the ability too.

“And you said you needed hands for the event?”

“Yes,” she drags out tentatively.

“Guys,” I grab the attention of the gang. “There’s an event at my mom’s café tomorrow and she needs hands on deck to help with the event. Mainly as waiters I think. You up for it?”

“Of course, anytime!” Kihyun confirms first.

“Do I get coffee?” Hyungwon asks hopeful.

“Do I get food?” Hyunwoo and Hoseok blurt out at the same time.

“Yes and yes,” I reply, to which both of the guys nod.

“Count me in,” Changkyun calls out from behind his phone, never tearing his eyes away from the game he is currently playing

“Now that was an event!” Hoseok exclaims with his mouth full of well deserved ramyun. Being the diligent and hardworking person he is, he was definitely the life of the event. All the ladies from the company that had teambuilding there were swooning over him, mainly for his visuals, and men mainly because of him offering unlimited work out advice. Hoseok ran around for 2 people since he saw his Won tiredly drinking coffee in the morning when the gang showed up at my mom’s café.

It ended up being me, who brewed coffee with Hyungwon at the till and Kihyun back in the kitchen making food orders, mainly sandwiches that the café offered, while my mom ran around like a headless chicken not resting for even 2 seconds because of the stupid boss, who kept demanding her attention about every single little thing.

“It was worse than I expected but you, kids, were just simply amazing. Thank you all for coming,” my mom smiles at everyone wholeheartedly and with a grateful glimmer in her eyes. “But I’m just so sorry I cannot pay you with actual money. I feel like I’m making you do child labour.”

“Oh don’t worry about it,” Hyungwon said sipping his iced Americano. “As long as I can come here for coffee I don’t mind.”

“Of course. All Hanna’s friends are always welcome here and always on the house. I’m just happy to finally see her with some friends.”

“Mom. I’ve had friends before them,” I try to remind her to not embarrass me like this but it seems to be to no avail.

“Before high school I only knew Hyunwoo as your friend and a mention or 2 of Hoseok, whom I as a mom never met therefore could not consider a friend that was not made up. And only after you started at high school Minhyuk and Kihyun appeared. You’ve had 3 friends as far as I’d known,” she looked at me as if I was silly.

“And how is that a bad thing? Did I have to be a social hoe like Minhyuk?” I flap my hand towards Minhyuk, who looks like he wants to argue with me but my mom just happened to be faster.

“Sweetie, that is such a mean thing to say,” she shakes her head at me, clearly enjoying that she can scold me again as if I was a little kid.

“They’ve said worse things about me!” I oppose, but yet again my words are nothing.

“And what are you 5? Going around accusing kids on the playground they took your toy?”

I look around at my friends. Everyone is clearly enjoying this. “So no one, not a single one of you is going to defend me?”

“Nope,” Minhyuk replies straight away.

“No, I’m actually enjoying this,” Changkyun sits back in his chair.

“You did hack my social media,” Kihyun adds oil to the fire.

“You did what?” my mom calls out surprised.

“I did not hack anything. I just know your passwords because they’re lame and easy. Plus you use the same one on all of our accounts. I applaud your sense of security, Kihyun!” I stand up, actually pretty angry. Not even joking about it anymore. Had my mom not been here I would have continued with the jokes whether it was me or them who’d get destroyed. But with my mom here, I couldn’t say anything. I push the ball in my throat back before they have a chance to come and say my typical classic line because this just became too much for me. “You know what? On a normal day I would, but today I’m not gonna.”

And I walk from the back garden of the café back inside to pack my things. As I’m packing my things my phone starts ringing and I notice a familiar name on the screen. “Hey, bae,” I pick up.

“Hiya, how are you?” comes from the other side

“Peachy…” I reply a little irritated.

“What happened?”

“Ugh, long story…”

“But you always have a 'long story short' version in your pocket,” the voice informs me.

“Yeah,” I smirk. “This one though, it’s just so irritating. Bae, are in town since you’re calling me?”

“You’re not escaping this conversation, you know. But yes, I am in town and ready to hang with my ride-or-die,” cheerful tone echoes through the line and I am just so happy to hear my bae’s voice.

“Okay, I am sharing everything when we meet. All the dirty stuff,” I laugh lightly and shortly.

“I’m free tonight.”

“Wow, what a coincidence for a change. So am I!” I smile while I finish packing my bag and hanging the barista apron on its designated hook. “Let’s meet for dinner and drinks!”

“It’s a date!”

“Awesome, bae, see ya at 7ish at usual spot.”

“Deal, see ya!”

I hang up and notice a little cough behind me. “You have plans?” Changkyun asks darkly.

“Yeah.”

“Bae, huh?” he pushes out a little disappointed.

“Yeah.”

“So you’re not gonna go with us tonight?” Kyun looks a little off with this whole thing.

“Why? Just hang out with my mom to diss me,” I snarkly remark.

“C’mon. It was just fun,” he grabbed the back of his neck rubbing it nervously.

“For you,” I run a hand through my hair and sigh.

“Look. Text into the group chat where you are and we might stop by.”

“We?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll keep you updated.”

“Cool, thanks.” And with that I am gone.

I come 7ish to Ragged Garden, which has become a place for me and Beatrice. Yes, the ‘bae’ is actually a play on her name, that I just started calling her one day at the national team swimming camp ages ago. We shared a room every year, until she left for uni abroad. Her family moved here from Sweden when she was 6 and she was the only girl friend I had except Hyeri, but she was from a completely different city so we only met each other at meets.

I spot her in the crowded restaurant instantly.

“So these 7 guys are your best friends?” she clarifies as we’re walking to a bar that is not far away from Ragged Garden, where Kyun texted me they have settled in.

“Yeah, but you can tease them a little.”

“You know, I don’t do that. I’m too polite for that. I can only tease you,” she laughs at me.

“Oh yeah. I forgot you have plans for my wedding,” I join her in laughing. She has a speech made for my wedding. The best toast I will have heard. Her words, not mine.

We walk into the bar and I look around for the 7 members of my group. I spot them at a big table in the back laughing and being happy they’re together, the 7 of them. I realize that I am so happy even just seeing them together like this, because knowing Kihyun, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo met the Core Four at the right time just makes everything feel a little mushy and fluffy. The only person, who looks a little down is Changkyun.

I drag Beatrice to the table, stopping by the bar to grab a drink each.

“Hi guys,” I call out when we reach the table. They look at me smiling and a little confused about, who the new person is. “This is my bae, Beatrice. Please treat her nice. She only hates my guts to hell every time we meet.”

“Oh my God, I totally forgot about that! That is the story to be told really!” she slaps my bicep and we join the guys at the table.

Changkyun leans to me and asks me privately. “So your bae is a girl?”

“Yeah? What did you think that I have a secret boyfriend?”

“No…” he denies and takes a sip from his beer acting all weird. I shrug at it and join the conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The heartbreak of October 31st is so real (still)… it actually is what happened to me that day. I just felt a little down while writing this chapter and the second half is a little bit of a filler that hints a little on Kyun’s jealousy, but then again it will make more sense in a couple of chapters.
> 
> But what about Jooheon and Minhyuk? The 2 like each other but both are chickens… what to do… what to do… you’ll just have to come back to find out I guess *hihi* ;) 
> 
> Don’t worry, Beatrice on had a cameo in this chapter, so I am not adding her as a character. :)
> 
> Next chapter is HyungWonho’s 3rd anniversary but something will go wrong at their small celebration, because some days you just cannot drink without consequences, you know? So definitely do come back for that ;)
> 
> Hope you liked it and please let me know what you think :) See you in the next chapter <3


	12. Drown Your Sorrows, They Said...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, welcome back to another chapter!!! :) Happy to see you here again <3 The gang is back and they're about to celebrate Hyungwonho's 3rd anniversary, but some days plans change...
> 
> I hope you enjoy your time reading :)

**~MID-SEPTEMBER - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[happybunny]** : so guys

 **[happybunny]** : i know we shouldnt plan anything anymore cause the classes r back on

 **[happybunny]** : AND

 **[happybunny]** : especially not during the weekday

 **[happybunny]** : BUT

 **[happybunny]** : <3Wonnie<3 and i have our 3rd anniversary on tuesday

 **[happybunny]** :BUT

 **[happybunny]** : on wednesday we thought maybe

 **[happybunny]** : maybe

 **[happybunny]** : we could hang out together and celebrate it together

 **[happybunny]** : since all of you have been around for a half or more of our relationship

 **[happybunny]** : and y do i feel like im talking to myself here??

 **[happybunny]** : hello?

 **[happybunny]** : anybody there?

 **[happybunny]** : heeeeellllloooooooo?

 **[happybunny]** : I KNOW U R READING IT YOU IDIOTS!

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : do u think hes finished???

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : lets wait a lil longer

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : yeah, w hoseok u never rly know

 **[Hungry Bear]** : I think he is finished

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : sounds cool

 **[onehanna]** : wait just a second…

 **[not_my_mom]** : han?

 **[onehanna]** : won, y do i get the feeling this is the first time u r hearing abt this? lmao

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : yeah, i was wondering who my hoseok meant as we

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : but then it occurred to me he is psych student

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : maybe it dawned on him...

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : and he developed a 2nd personality...

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : then he could be we

 **[happybunny]** : *heartbroken by his own bf* :(

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : but i love u whether u r we or just u <3

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : for me u r hoseok

 **[happybunny]** : T^T

 **[happybunny]** : *-*

 **[happybunny]** : <3 <3 <3

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : the more the better?

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : lets not go that far

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : one hoseok is enough

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : plus theres no other like him

 **[onehanna]** : okay

 **[onehanna]** : i think i need to go to the dentist, my teeth are rotting from all this sugar :D

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : or the diabetes doctor, my blood sugar suddenly went up :D

 **[not_my_mom]** : just come to my office

 **[not_my_mom]** : i’m sure we can work a way around to their sweet love addiction through proper diet with good nutritional balance

 **[Hungry Bear]** : or just get them to exercise daily, the energy expenditure might work in their favor

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i think they spend enough energy during the night

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : tbh

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i didnt want to say anything but i TRIED to sleep in the tent next to them at ultra

 **[happybunny]** : u just wish it was u

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : some days hoseok

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : some days you just...

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : ...ouch

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : u say it like u dont know hes been drowning his sorrows the whole summer :/

 **[happybunny]** : heoney im so so SO sorry i didnt mean is like that

 **[happybunny]** : i am an asshole

 **[happybunny]** : im sorry

 **[happybunny]** : pls forgive me

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : dw abt it

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : rly

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : its not like i can forget that easily abt it anyway

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : y?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : then i recommend vodka

 **[Hungry Bear]** : makes everything seem lighter

 **[Hungry Bear]** : even the wall I tried to move the other day

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : yeah

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : or absinth

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : the blackouts are legendary :D

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : plus it feels like ur bday every time u drink a shot

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : blowing out the fire is so much fun

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : is that y u drank so much of it?

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : not denying

 **[happybunny]** : anyways guys, wednesday?

 **[onehanna]** : just so u stop spamming…

 **[onehanna]** : i think i talk for everyone

 **[onehanna]** : even won who seemed to not be included in ur ‘we’

 **[onehanna]** : everyone will show up

 **[happybunny]** : awesome

 **[happybunny]** : so what r u gonna cook ki? :D :D

 **[not_my_mom]** : what???

Sighing with a heavy mind I look at the projector again where the professor has the next project outline highlighted. This year’s Sports Nutrition year-long project is to get an athlete to follow a nutritional plan we as future nutritionists/coaches/personal trainers/etc make for 8 months and note the plan’s progress according to competitions and ‘client’s’ desires. And we cannot fake it since there is a very detailed documentation required with a waiver signed by the athlete AND that person has to show up at the beginning of the year and at the end of the year.

I know already that Kihyun is going to get Hyunwoo to work with him which would leave me with Hoseok, but let’s be honest with each other - monitoring everything Hoseok eats would be the biggest nightmare EVER. He sometimes forgets whether or not he had eaten a big meal 30 minutes ago. Not kidding. His stomach is bottomless. So my nutrition plan for him would go out of the window after the first couple of hours.

So that’s a no.

“You know, just try to approach the teacher about having yourself as the subject. You can easy fake into it then,” Ki whispers from my left and I look at him dumbfounded.

“Why haven’t I thought of this? Wait… maybe because the professor said that it is not allowed?”

“Just go and ask. Say you’re majoring in Sports Medicine and that you swim for the uni team. That you don’t really have time to look for someone else with all the lectures and hours you spend in the water. Just try. It might work, what do you know?”

And you know what…? It worked. The professor actually said yes considering my circumstances. Luckiest person ever.

“Thanks again, Ki,” I smile at him as we leave the lecture hall together.

He only grabs me around my shoulders and replies in a dreamy voice. “What would you do without me, darling?”

“Some days I wonder…” I remark sarcastically.

Kihyun apparently jumps on the same board with me. “Admit it your life would be so boring without me. Just learn to accept the good in your life. Like me. I’m a freaking delight!!” he sings the last sentence as if our lives were a Disney movie and he was he Disney princess, while I am the pessimistic yet realistic best friend, who has to keep the idealistic princess in check. Kinda like Mushu and Mulan, even though technically she wasn’t a princess. Let’s just close one eye on that. But then again, Mushu was kind of optimistic… but frankly if Kihyun was to be my Mulan, I would be the Mushu. Just to have one chance in my life to use the _“Dishonor on your cow!_ ” quote. One of the best in all the history of Disney princess movie quotes.

We finally reach the mess hall to have lunch together, the two of us - the other guys being busy with the beginning of the year.

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” I ask Ki. “Do you need any help shopping for groceries?”

Tomorrow the 3rd anniversary of Hoseok and Hyungwon is being celebrated by a small dinner gathering at Kihyun and Minhyuk’s kitchen. Well, small… just Hoseok’s ramyun portion has to be for 3 people.

“I’m good. Hyunwoo offered to go with me before your dry-land and I know you have a lecture just before,” he explains to me. It’s good he got help and it’s good he got it from Hyunwoo.

“Okay.” We join the line to wait for our turn to pick food from the vendors.

“You know sometimes I feel like my cooking abilities are being abused in our group,” he sighs theatrically wanting me to support him and be like ‘oh, poor you’.

“I mean, it is the reason why we’re even friends with you in the first place,” I nudge him with a pointed finger to his biceps.

“No that’s just you,” he deadpans. _And_ that’s how we live here.

On Wednesay evening after Hyunwoo’s and my practice is done we quickly move to get to the dorms so the guys don’t have to wait for too long, even though they have told us that we don’t have to worry and to just get there when we get there. The dinner is ready to be served t any point of our arrival. We apologized so many times but they were just okay with that.

The two of us also managed to convince the new coach about letting us off 15 minutes earlier. The new coach was pretty chill, strict but humane. She was quite young and still swam, but for the Masters division. So she understood our uni struggles and our desire to have a life outside the pool, which the other coach did not. For all he cared we weren’t university students, we were swimmers in the first place.

We get there and Minhyuk is still missing. The table is filled with dishware and the air smells better than a restaurant.

“I got a text from Min. He’s going to be a little late. He said he’s really sorry, but he couldn’t reschedule this,” Kihyun mentions while I join his near the stoves and Hyunwoo sits down around the table with the rest.

I notice a couple bottles of wine on the table. “I thought you said you didn’t want to drink, Hoseok.”

“Yeah, but since you and Kihyun have that trip on the weekend and we cannot go celebrate on Friday I thought we can just do a glass or two each. Not much. You guys don’t have practice tomorrow morning after the schedule change but we all shouldn’t drink that much anyway. The summer was pretty heavy,” Hoseok’s face warms up even more because of the memories of the summer past. I smile too, recalling some great moments in a flash. The ones that made silly great memories that we will remember when we’re 80.

“So Ki, what are you cooking?” Hyunwoo questions curiously after he made his way to the pots.

“Nutritionally balanced 4-course meal that is grander than ever,” Hyungwon replied from the back sipping his wine fashionably.

“So Hyungwon how’s the new part time job?” I ask a little worried knowing that getting back to modelling was a topic that Hyungwon didn’t like to open too much because of what has happened in the past. But he mentioned many times he really enjoyed walking runways and doing some photo-shoots for particular brands. Apparently guys that look like him are always in high demand since they are some kind of a perfect type (logic of which I did not understand when Hyungwon explained it) and there weren’t that many, who wanted to work the jobs he took.

“Good. I am happy that I finally get to do what I want to support my studies and my hobbies, which apparently during summer happened to be drinking at festivals and EDM clubs. Thanks to someone,” he winks at me.

I wink back and smile. “Always at your service!”

Jooheon and Changkyun were talking in the back about some music and I heard the word RapGround so I supposed they were talking about some of the upcoming battles.

It was a rather typical evening and was flowing fairly well. Min was late but then again he did text about it and it wasn’t anything usual for him to be late.

BUT…

As soon as he came he went straight across the kitchen and poured himself a biiig glass of wine and took a gooood sip. _Sip_ … yeah not the right kind of word but okay.

AND THEN…

He started talking to poor cooking Ki.

It’s been 20 minutes and Minhyuk is still taking. And all of Ki’s replies consist of ‘yes’.

“Kihyun, you’re such a good friend!” Hyungwon called out.

“Yes,” he replied automatically.

“Have you even been listening?” Minhyuk wakes up from his trance.

“Yes,” Kihyun replies robotically again.

“What are you cooking?” Minhyuk tries one more time.

“Yes,” comes out of Kihyun. And then he realizes he has not answered with the right word.

“Have you been filtering me out?” Mihyuk asks appaled.

“Min, I’m sorry but I only managed 5 minutes in. I’m really sorry,” Kihyun looked at him apologetically.

“No Ki…”

“Don’t you think that’s enough?!” Jooheon jumps in interrupting Minhyuk. I look at him surprised and am not the only one. We all do. “You’ve been showering him with your complaints for 20 minutes straight and even think it’s okay to get mad at him for not listening to your problems the whole time?”

“That’s what friends do. I always listen to Kihyun!”

“But I bet my left eye that he never talked for 20 minutes and I would bet my right eye that after 5 minutes of him talking about his problems you cut in and begin about yours and think Kihyun’s are just solved because he doesn’t mention them to you anymore while you rain on him with more and more shit.” I noticed now Jooheon is not only angry with Minhyuk for treating Kihyun unfairly but also for just not being able to accept his wrong doing.

“Why can’t you understand me a little bit more? I have stuff I’m going through!” Minhyuk raises his voice.

“We all do! We all have shit going down in our lives!” Jooheon shouts back and I feel smaller than I am. Not because there is not a way to stop this argument but more because I realize they need to have it.

“You shouldn’t talk about other people’s shit before your own is solved!”

“What the actual fuck do you mean by that?”

“That you should get your own shit together and stop being a fucking baby, Jooheon. You’re a grown ass man!”

“And what does that have to do with what we are talking about?”

“Stop drowning your sorrows in alcohol for someone, who quite apparently doesn’t like you back. Get your own shit together before you go spewing bullshit about mine!” Minhyuk attacks which takes Jooheon aback and Changkyun and I hiss a little. This, just now, crossed the line.

“What?” Jooheon just blinks and I can see tears forming in his eyes. “What did you just say?”

“The fucking truth, Lee Jooheon. Stop drowning your sorrows in alcohol, get your shit together, your love is not reciprocated, so stop being such a wuss! MAN THE FUCK UP!” Minhyuk said angry. When Minhyuk is angry he tends to say things he does not entirely mean, but they tend to be hurtful. And these were.

Jooheon looks away from Minhyuk for a second blinking away the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. “I think you owe me an apology for this,” he says in a low but serious voice.

“I’M SORRY you think you deserve an apology, Lee Jooheon!” Minhyuk roars back at him a walks out of the kitchen into his room and slams the door.

Silence spreads around the room.

No one knows what to do. Jooheon just stands in the middle of the room unmoving.

I decide something has to be done so I walk out of the quiet kitchen to Min’s and Ki’s room. I knock on the door softly and hear a loud sob. _Oh, no! The ugly crying Minhyuk._ My heart broke. I slowly open the door and dare to walk in and find Minhyuk in the corner by the closes that is the least visible and most sheltered part of the room.

Walking towards him with caution I decide it’s for the best to just hold him and wait until he’s cried out. That could take 2 minutes or 2 hours. I somehow manage to squeeze myself next to him and hold him tight to me stroking his hair that smells like his fresh masculine cologne.

“H-how… does h-he dare to… t-tell… me that?” he asks me in between sobs.

_What did Jooheon even say?_

I knew very well that Min in this state is very touchy and if I say the wrong thing it will screw me over too. “Min, please calm down. You’re going to have a terrible headache tomorrow if you cry like this.”

He starts to calm down unrushed in my hug. Five minutes later another sentence comes. “What right does he have to say something like that?”

“No right at all,” I agree even though I have no idea what I am agreeing to.

“How exactly am I a disgusting human being? And ‘hope you die soon’? What the actual fuck?!” Minhyuk says looking pretty shaken.

“Heoney didn’t mean it like that,” I try to reason with him.

“What the hell? I’m not talking about Jooheon. I’m talking about the piece of shit who stole my concept that I had worked on for the whole summer to submit to the gallery administration to have a chance at showing my stuff in a section that is supported by school finance. The motherfucker stole my concept, he didn’t even bother to change the font and texting it a little different. He pretty much copy-pasted it. And when I went to the manager’s assistant, who was dealing with the gallery stuff about this affair he called me a ‘disgusting human being that he hopes dies soon, because his existence is pointless for the world’. How does he dare? That ugly people usually at least have nice characters? What the fuck?!”

“Oh wow. Who is this shit?” I ask him in complete and utter shock.

How could anyone dare to say that to Minhyuk? The kindest sweetest person with the brightest of character traits and a real and unique talent when it came to art. His style was so unique and could not be copied or stolen. No one could do it like Min. Plus _Min and ugly_? That does _not_ go together.

“Where are you going?” Minhyuk asked when I suddenly stood up.

“I’m going to make that piece of shit regret he’s ever opened his mouth to speak a word about you. And trust me when I say he will be in pain.”

“Hanna… They already gave it to him with my concept. Signed a contract and everything. It’s too late to do anything. I’m not getting it no matter what I try to do.”

“Well but don’t you think that at least someone should know that it is your work and not his? It’s not fair, Min.”

“And since when is life fair? Fuck it, I’ve already decided I’m going to make up a better concept and going to go around other galleries to work it, not ones that collaborate with the university.”

“Min…”

“God, I was such a dick to Jooheon,” out of nowhere Min realizes what he said to Jooheon in his previous state of mind. “Oh my god.”

“About that…”

“He will fucking hate me! How could I have said that to him! I’m such an asshole. Oh my God!” he puts his head into his hands and starts sobbing again, now filled with regret about the words said in rage. Poor Minhyuk.

“I’m sure you can talk it out… Heoney is a good guy, he will get it when you explain calmly and apologize when you mean it, you know,” I stroke his back over and over again to soothe his sobs.

There was nothing I could do in this moment for my best friend. Just letting him cry it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Minhyuk got triggered into saying some stuff he didn't really want and Jooheon is hurt. They will make up, right? What do you think, will Joo forgive Min?
> 
> In the next chapter we meet Dior for a little bit and someone new appears...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what your thoughts are and see you next time :) <3


	13. ...But My Sorrows Can Swim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand welcome back to another chapter of the story of Listen Up Gang (well, that's not the name but you know what I mean ^-^). In this study week chapter Dior makes an appearance, but who is more crucial is a certain girl that appears towards the end of the chapter and she will play quite the role in the story development.
> 
> Also !!!DISCLAIMER!!! in this chapter there is a bit that some people might find offensive but I really want to say that it's only there as something that I've heard myself and found funny along with my bi-sexual friends too. If you by any chance find it offensive, please know that it is not meant like that and I apologize ahead. I never mean to hurt or insult anyone, so just please bear that in mind. Thank you for understanding <3 love is equal no matter who you love <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading it! <3

**~MID-OCTOBER - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Life is a… busy thing.

One day is Monday and after a lazy Sunday you have to get up again at 5AM to jump into cold, cold water by 6AM. Another day is Friday and you’re getting dressed after Friday evening practice to go out with your friends, hopefully not drink too much because on Saturday morning you have to be in the pool again.

One day is beginning of the semester and you’re getting acquainted with your new classes and looking at new outlines, starting projects and figuring out, who to group with if you need to do a group project. Next time you wake up, you’re 6 weeks into your semester and another study week is upon you, the week a lot of people look forward to using it as a break from studying and visiting family if they’re not from town; or the very dreaded week when you actually try to go through 5 weeks’ worth of notes trying to organize them and make sense of what the hell is happening. Unfortunately Kihyun, Hoseok and I belong to the latter part of the student society.

Week has gone by and the 3 of us have spent our days in the library doing our best studying while occasionally being joined by some of our friends. Hyungwon came to sleep to the library once - he had promised he wouldn’t fall asleep and I have to give it to him, he worked for 2 hours on his music but then fell asleep on the desk. Hyunwoo joined us for lunch every day, but he usually spent the day studying in the silent section or in his room. However I sincerely doubt he studied in his room, I think he was dancing to various kinds of music from Toxic by Britney and to songs by Troye Sivan. The other 3 I haven’t seen all week. The group chat was also mainly silent so I supposed that we all just kind of needed our time to study and work.

Today is finally Friday and it’s yet another night we’re spending at RapGround, it’s Changkyun’s first battle of the season and I can tell he’s really looking forward to it.

~Changkyun POV~

This was Changkyun’s worst study week so far. This semester’s project was probably the craziest thing he has ever even heard of. During this week he has wondered many times what the hell brought the university board to approve of this was way above his comprehension.

This project has spread across multiple courses in the art department. It started with Marketing students being the ones creating a concept for a 30s TV advertisement, this then went onto Film Production students who were supposed to produce said 30 seconds long TV spot with whatever was in the brief from the Marketing students, but it was a requirement from the university for it to have an original music, therefore Film Production students had to do their producing jobs to reach out to Music Production students, give them the brief from Marketing students and feedback the music the students make. The Marketing students also had to create concept for a print ad that went on to Photography student, Illustration students, Product Design students or Digital Design students. Success was if the students from Marketing liked the music, if not it was returned to re-do. It could go back and forth like this for days - and is exactly how it was going with Changkyun. His deadline was today and the work kept coming back with numerous minor issues that were not really issues but those people just didn’t probably understand that they should let him be creative a little bit too. In any case, he had to finish it today. It was a pretty heavy weight project this semester, even though he would much rather be working on his beats for tonight’s battle at RapGround. His first of the season. Changkyun was so excited he could barely sleep last night looking forward to getting hyped up again.

But first…

He had to finish this stupid ad.

Fortunately Changkyun booked the studio for the whole week. Because he could come in at 5.30AM when the building opened just to leave at the point when the school guard knocked on the window of the door, which was usually past midnight. He hasn’t slept in ages so he was really looking forward to finishing this shit up so he can take a nap before going to RapGround.

After exporting the new, probably 100th, version of that stupid song he sent it to the Film Production student, who made this ‘order’ with him.

Changkyun decided to work on some music of his own during the wait for more feedback.

30 minutes later and answer opened up in his chat box. Approval.

The moment he read it, his phone rang. The Film Production student was on the other side of the line.

“ _The song has been approved. Thanks for your hard work, man. Looking forward to finding out about our grades. We’re going to put it into the video now and send it over to the Marketing guys.”_

_“Cool, thanks too, man. It must not have been easy to make all of it like this. Good luck in post.”_

_“Thanks. And just by the way, aren’t you the I.M guy that raps at RapGround?”_

_“Yeah, why?”_

_“You’re good, bro! Good luck at the battle tonight.”_

_“Thanks. If you’re there come say hi.”_

_“Sure thing! Thanks again for the collab, you’re really talented.”_

_“Cheers, bye.”_

_“Bye.”_

Changkyun hangs up and throws his hands up in the air in silent sign of victory. Happiness and relief flowing through him like crazy now. He’s going to finally start working on his own music, but before he decided to text the group he’s skipping pre-drinks to work on his stuff.

~Back to Hanna POV~

Pre-drinks weren’t much today.

Jooheon appeared at Hyungwon’s and Hoseok’s room first with me close tailing him, but without Hyunwoo, who was feeling a little bit sick so he decided to skip the whole night. Frankly he was looking a little green skinned and was swimming without his typical ease that the team usually saw him while lane leading. Today he even miscounted distance 5 times and this wouldn’t usually happen to him unless he was sick or worried about something like in the past. But that is kind of a long story the time of which is yet to come.

Minhyuk and Kihyun arrived when conversation was well underway about Hyungwon’s new modelling gigs and Hoseok’s new internship, which brought him to an office of a pretty well established psychologist, who was known for being celebrities’ therapist.

Hoseok ran into the guy at the gym he goes to by a chance, when the doctor came up to him and asked about an exercise he was doing. They got talking and at the end of the day Hoseok had his personal phone number and an invitation to be an intern at his office with a small pay. And that was amazing and also a great breakthrough moment for Hoseok as he was feeling that he was lacking in studies and wasn’t achieving the results he set for himself to accomplish. He started frequenting the gym even more often, which now was every morning except Saturday and he also had diving practice every afternoon. So he was getting more and more invested in moving physically because it took his mind off of the non-satisfying results.

Kihyun went straight into the mini fridge that the couple bought for their room to find the wine he left there last time and to put a fresh bottle in. Poured one to himself and one to Minhyuk.

The conflict between Min and Heoney was talked out right after Minhyuk stopped crying and Jooheon forgave him telling him it was okay, even though Changkyun and I have been very much aware of the fact it had hurt him very freaking much. So these days it was all as it had been before, but a couple of days ago I started to get the feeling Jooheon was trying something on Minhyuk. Not a confession per se, but more like a get him fired up to tell him something or getting him angry to finally ‘confess in midst of fighting’, as Changkyun called it.

“I still don’t understand how you can drink red wine, Min,” I shook my head at my best friend who was holding a glass of red wine with the most elegant grace I have seen, even compared to professionally taken photos for ads, with his legs crossed over one another, swinging the one on top in a very sassy manner.

“And I don’t get how you can hate it as much as you do, just because once you drank one too many and your stomach just couldn’t handle it,” Minhyuk shrugged at me and popped a piece of cheese into his mouth.

“Wow, you look so pompous right now, Minhyuk. Like a proper pretentious bitch with a name to suit it… something like… _Dior_ ,” Hyungwon said with his eyes lightly squinted, thinking about the right name for Minhyuk’s hidden inner bitch character.

Hoseok, who by the way has been already very much amused by Minhyuk’s way of sitting now burst out laughing along Kihyun who high-fives Hyungwon.

“Bitch, you wish Dior was your friend,” Minhyuk sassily throws his non-existing long hair back with his hand and makes a face, which makes everyone laugh.

We continue to talk for a bit longer discussing our plans for the upcoming Halloween night, which by tradition of Minhyuk, Kihyun, Hyunwoo and I, is a day of party and drinking. This year Halloween fell on Friday which is even more hella perfect. Jooheon mentioned that Changkyun’s battle was set for that day, to which no one protested since we spent most of our Friday nights in RapGround anyway, even when Kyun wasn’t on stage. We agreed we liked to hang out in our corner and enjoyed the atmosphere. All the guards and bartenders knew all of us well by now and we never had problem with anything there, whether it was getting in when there was a long line outside or finding outr spot taken by someone else. In RapGround everything could be solved for Changkyun only at first but then later on we all worked our charms and many of the guards considered me and Kihyun as the biggest sweethearts and would literally do anything they could for us.

“Oh I hope I meet someone tonight,” Minhyuk sighs and throws his head back in desperation.

“You’re bi-sexual, right?” Jooheon asked out of nowhere. Minhyuk has never said it out loud like that. Not that he was ashamed or anything but more like it didn’t need to be said because of what you could usually see it was fairly easy to guess.

Minhyuk smiles softly and nods. “Yes.”

“So you’re just greedy,” I joke with a deadpan tone.

“Greedy? No. How did you come to that?” Min looks at me with confusion all over his face since I have never before jabbed at his orientation and his interests. I poked many times at the people he was interested in, but that was because of the person himself not the gender of the person. Somehow though, tonight since we were all in the same state of mind of making fun of Minhyuk at least a little bit, I tried to join in.

“Well because, it was not enough for you to like the opposite sex, which is like the half of the world right? But you had to also take interest in the same sex to have even more options,” I explain my previous conclusion.

Hoseok sits up from his leaning position against Hyungwon and looks at me intently. “And he’s STILL single?”

“Yeah,” I say courtly.

“Then he’s bi-himself.”

This gets Jooheon, Kihyun into crazy laughter and me… well I was laughing so hard I didn’t even make a sound. You know that moment of the silent laughter when it is even too difficult to breathe let alone make a sound.

“Hoseok, baby,” Hyungwon beings gently and places a hand of Hoseok’s shoulder. “You cannot keep doing this to people.”

“Aww, Wonnie, thank you. Finally some-“ Minhyuk starts to thank Hyungwon only to be interrupted by the said friend.

“I’m not talking about you, Min. I’m talking about Hanna over there. Look, she’s gonna choke on her own laughter,” he says matter-of-factly and throws another potato chip into his mouth as if nothing just happened.

~Chankyun POV~

Changkyun was first to arrive at RapGround that night since he didn’t join the others at pre-drinks and they must’ve been held up by something like Hyungwon not agreeing with Hoseok about going in sweats or Kihyun washing up the dishes before they go.

He walks past the line that already started forming and comes up to the guard, who’s smiling broadly at him.

“Changkyun! It’s on tonight, eh?”

“Yeah. Finally!” Changkyun smiles back and shakes the offered hand.

“You alone tonight?” the guard looks behind him a little confused because he never came alone before. At least one person always came with the rapper. The guard definitely didn’t want to admit it but he was quite fond of these 8 kids with obvious genuine friendship and deep down he wished his kids would have friendship like they do.

“Nah, I just couldn’t join the pre-drinks and I hoped they would be here already but I’m sure they will appear in no time.”

“Alright, I’ll keep an eye out for them since the line’s starting to get long,” the guard promises.

“Cheers, mate!”

Changkyun walks in and makes a bee line towards the bar, where he greets the bar tender and a beer bottle along with a shot of some green stuff, that looked a little bit like Absinth but it wasn’t Absinth. It was much weaker and went well with beer but if you drank too much the headache of the morning was the biggest bitch of them all.

“Oh my god, are you I.M?” a pretty sounding female voice coming from his right catches his attention. Changkyun turns around and his eyes meet a woman in a little black dress with a black distressed jean jacket over top and mid-length light brown hair. She has an alluring smile and big eyes that somehow drag you in. Changkyun only has one thought in his mind; _Wow, she’s hot!_

He decides to play it cool and replies. “I am I.M.”

“Wow, I finally get to meet you in person,” her smile gets even wider and she leans in closer. “I have watched so many of your stages and loved them, truly. Plus, you’re really hot when on stage.”

Changkyun smirks at the latter statement. “Thank you. I’m happy to have such a fine fan as you. But you know my name and I’m still in the dark about yours.”

“I’m Minhee. Pleased to meet you,” she extends her hand and the shake goes on for a tad too long to be only polite.

The conversation keeps on going.

~Back to Hanna POV~

Greeting the guard in the front we cross the threshold to the bar and make way to our corner, which is empty as always. The guard mentioned Changkyun has already arrived but he was nowhere to be seen.

Then I spotted Kyun at the bar talking to some girl in a _very little_ black dress. “Kyun is over there,” I announce my discovery to the group and the others look to the bar.

“Talking to a hot girl I see,” Kihyun says ironically nudging Minhyuk with his elbow and looks an him. “Unlike another best friend of mine.”

Minhyuk fumes over at Kihyun. “Guys, just stop already! I mean it. Fucking stop for tonight. I’ve had enough!” But he laughs. And jokingly theatrically starts sobbing hard. We all laugh and I turn my eyes back to the girl Kyun is talking to.

“She’s just average.”

“And since when are you a good measure to a hot girl?” Jooheon asks me teasingly.

“Excuse me?” I try to look as appalled as possible but I think my smile tells on me that I am just kidding. “Just because I’m a girl I don’t have the right to tell whether a girl is hot or not? Have I ever judged you for telling a guy is hot just because you’re a man?” I made a ‘tsk-tsk-tsk’ sound with my mouth jokingly and Jooheon laughs.

A short while has passed before Kyun finally joins us, thankfully without the girl in a ridiculously short black dress that seemed more like obscenely tight black t-shirt.

“Yo, you guys have finally arrived!” he comes in with a bright smile.

“Bitch, we’ve been here for like 30 minutes,” I tell him, starting the plan Hyungwon and I created.

“And we were too busy holding Minhyuk down from cock-blocking you,” nods at Minhyuk, who has been talking keenly to Jooheon about something.

“Yeah, I don’t think that would happen. The girl’s type definitely isn’t Minhyuk.”

“And who’s saying he would go after her?” Hyungwon stares dead straight into Kyun’s eyes with a seriously deep look. Changkyun’s brows furrow at the realization of what Hyungwon just said.

“C’mon!” he believes us and looks over at Minhyuk, who just shrugs his shoulders innocently playing along with Hyungwon and me.

Hyungwon and I laugh at him trusting a very very stupid joke like that. I mean, how many times have we circulated this joke already and Changkyun is still the only one , who catches the hook into his cheek. Only after that he realizes that what we were pointing at and apparently a heavy weight falls off of his shoulders.

It was another round of battle scars for Changkyun, who won this time but the win hasn’t been as clear as he would want it to be. His opponent was pretty good and had Kyun not been my friend I would have cheered for the other guy. Wait, who am I kidding I was cheering for the other guy, but only after Kyun came back from the stage so I could tease him about it. Deep down I would never ever root for anyone else than my best friend.

Thankfully today none of us got too drunk and we happily went all home on our own two feet unsupported by another pair or two.

But I’ll be honest with you, the girl Changkyun was talking to at the bar kept haunting my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... Dior... I love her, you love her, we all love her. And Minhyuk will bring her back again, don't worry! ^-^ <3  
> As I mentioned we've just met a girl in an obscenely tight short black dress and her name is Minhee and I gotta say that I'm sorry (not sorry tbh) that she did not have a cameo only... what do you think about her? Will she play the role you're thinking?
> 
> In the next chapter the whole gang meets Minhee and she gets to be the center of attention for a bit... but is it the kind she actually likes? You're gon have to come back for chapter 14 to find out. ^^
> 
> As always I hope you enjoyed the chapter and share your thoughts with me ^^ <3 see you next time!


	14. Touchy or Not, Here We Come!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see you're back!!! Welcome and thank you again for coming to read another chapter of Petals of Love! ^^ Hope you're having a good day :)  
> In this chapter the gang meets Minhee and vice versa; Dior makes a quick appearance and the group makes decisions.  
> I hope you enjoy reading this chapter :)

**~LATE OCTOBER - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

We have yet again been summoned to lunch by none other than Im Changkyun. And he’s late.

The 7 of us have already gotten our food and are sitting at a large table in the mess hall when Changkyun finally walks up to the table.

But not alone.

By his side is the girl we’ve seen Changkyun talk to in RapGround not too long ago.

“Guys, this is Minhee. My girlfriend,” he introduces her quickly and my stomach does an unwanted flip that can only mean one thing - something is off about her. I don’t know how I know but I know. Instinct maybe?

“Hi everyone. Pleased to meet you,” she smiles over-sweetly and does a small wave. Kihyun next to me chokes and I raise my hand to tap him on the back.

“We’re gonna go get food and join you, okay?” Kyun smiles and everyone and walks off with Minhee, his new girlfriend, who’s wearing clothes that are maybe a little too much for an every day time at university. The dress is too short, too tight and too top revealing and her jacket is just too tasteless.

But then again, who am I to judge in my hoodie and skinny jeans.

We’re silent at first, but then when the two are far enough standing in the line I put out a statement. “So Kyun has a girlfriend…” I suck in air through my teeth making a hissing sound while smiling shyly.

“Hanna, don’t,” Kihyun just looks at me with an understanding gleam in his eyes.

I shrug my shoulders and lift my brows. “What? I haven’t done anything yet.”

“Yes, you have!” he puts a smile on his face. “You’re already planning.”

“ _I’m not planning_ anything, Ki. I _already have_ a plan.”

“Oh God,” Minhyuk groans but there is something like _I-can’t-wait-to-see_ lacing his voice.

“What, Min? I just hope she’s not too touchy,” I smile slyly hoping the exact opposite.

“She’s a little touchy, I can see it from here,” Hoseok informs me. Yeah, leave it to the psychologist to tell you as you as he can just from meeting her once for less than a minute what she’s like. But then again, I would really love for her to have a little bit of a shorter ignition cord. I cannot really put my finger on it just yet but there is something off about her. So let’s try to see what it is.

“Oh God,” this time it comes out of Kihyun as a lightly disappointed sound, but as with Minhyuk there is the same thing in the undertone of his sigh.

“You know, it didn’t look like it would be a good Tuesday but it’s suddenly starting to get better.”

“Oh God,” now comes in unison from Kihyun and Minhyuk. Hyungwon just smirks amused and Hoseok and Hyunwoo don’t even really pay attention since there is food in front of them.

The two finally re-join the table and sit next each other. Changkyun stupidly smiling at his new girlfriend.

“So Minhee, I suppose you’re from our uni then,” Hyungwon throws in to begin the conversation.

“Yes, I study Social Media Marketing and have a part time job as an Instagram influencer,” she says so proudly that even I, that have gone to Beijing to world university championships in swimming, have never used such tone in my whole entire life.

“Oh wow and what do you do there?” Minhyuk asks trying to look interested but something on his phone keeps catching attention more.

“Um, well, I hate bragging…”

“You do?” I interrupt Minhee with sarcastic disbelief in my voice.

“Yes I do. But I’m already quite proud I have 5k followers and have a good amount of sponsorships on Instagram,” she looks at me and I can see that she is just so ready to brag if someone asks. She’s just trying to act polite around new people so that we like her.

I turn my eyes to Hyungwon, who’s currently playing with his phone. I am one of not so many people Won follows on Instagram, which I only use to look at swimming memes, dog memes, cute dog pictures and videos; and of how could I forget about the amazing thing Instagram does when it keeps your memories and stuff by date - that’s fun too, remembering when, where and how we got drunk together or did other stupid shit together. However I also know that I am one of many Hyungwon’s followers and when I say many; I mean 25+k many.

But none of us seems to mention anything. So I also say nothing this time around.

I hear a familiar noise coming out of my bag and reach for my phone. Checking who’s calling me at lunch time I read the name of a swimming friend of mine, Jaehyun.

I pick up. “Jae, my dearest friend, what can I do for you?”

_“Hanna, are you in your uni mess hall?”_

“Yeah, who’s asking?” I joke.

“ _Jae’s asking. Anyway I knew it was you. Your chlorine travels around rooms where food tends to smell more,”_ he laughs into the phone.

I lift my head and search for the offender. “Well, I thought I smelled pool water around here. It must’ve been you.”

_“No, that was your hair.”_

“Where are you? Come join me.”

“ _Sorry. Can’t. Just leaving to go back to my own uni, I was here just quickly to deal with some paperwork for my internship.”_

“Good luck with that.”

_“Yeah, say hi to Hyunwoo for me please. Bye._

“Talk to you later.”

I hung up and turn to Hyunwoo. “Bang Jaehyun says hi.”

“Hmm, okay. Good he didn’t come over,” Hyunwoo says relieved.

“I still don’t understand why you hate him so much. He’s a cool guy, plus good looking,” I direct my attention back to my food and lift up my fork.

“You wanna know why I hate him? Okay, maybe you don’t know, I mean more like of course you don’t know, how could you… the guys on other teams used to make bets on who would fuck you sooner, because you were always on the looser side.”

“Excuse me?! _Looser side_?” I ask back completely abashed at the revelation Hyunwoo just made.

“Yeah, to them it was ‘loose’, how you acted. Not friendly. That’s why I never liked the two you dated before. They both saw you as a bet they were trying to win,” Hyunwoo was staring me dead straight in the eyes and I gaped with my mouth open and sat back in my chair, utter shock flowing through me.

“And you two,” I turn to Min and Ki. “You knew about it?”

“Hyunwoo told me,” Kihyun confesses.

“Oh so that’s why you were such a cock blocker at that party,” I finally understand a situation that happed almost 2 years ago.

“Sorry,” Minhyuk shrugs and drink his soda not giving a single damn fuck.

“Yo, seriously?” Jooheon changes his posture and leans closer to Hyunwoo, looking quite menacing. Changkyun also looks like he could bite someone.

“When is your next competition?” Hoseok asks.

“Why?”

“’Cause I wanna meet the guys, but they definitely don’t wanna meet me,” he replies.

I was stunned enough not to make a comeback and say something back because the guys were acting ridiculous and it was completely unnecessary.

“But on the other hand,” Minhee drew attention back to her with a high pitched voice. “Something much worse could have happened. “

“You mean, like having 5k Instagram followers and calling yourself an influencer?” Hoseok mutters loud enough for everyone to hear, but to make it seem he said out loud by accident.

Hyungwon slightly chokes on his coffee but covers is with couch fairly smoothly, while Jooheon and Minhyuk literally turn around on their chairs to hide their laughter.

Changkyun looks appalled that we even joke like this around his new girlfriend but who gives a damn.

If I am to be a Minhee hater, I will make my priority to become her number one hater. Why? As I have mentioned before and I will just simply say it again. There is something off about her. I can feel it in my gut.

After lunch I move to the most boring class of my second year and that is the dreaded Professional Coaching Theory. Since the class is; a) easy; b) easy af; c) boring and d) all of the above; I usually play on my phone and text people. The latter came as a better idea right now.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : guys

 **[onehanna]** : how abt we make a chatroom w/o kyun in it?

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : okay

 **[Hungry Bear]** : agree

 **[not-my-mom]** : yeah okay

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : guys

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : im still here

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : in this chat

 **[onehanna]** : I know

 **[onehanna]** : thats y im asking here

 **[onehanna]** : no secrets necessary

 **[happybunny]** : ooh ooh

 **[happybunny]** : make the name we are what he is not

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : that would be single right?

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : excuse me

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : im not single

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : and y do u guys even feel like u need a chat w/o me?????

 **[onehanna]** : cause we all agree on one thing

 **[onehanna]** : <https://youtu.be/Bg59q4puhmg?t=12>

**[onehanna]** : listen to this and then come back

 **[happybunny]** : hahahahahhahahaha

 **[Hungry Bear]** : how did you think of this song?? lol

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : lmao old but gold

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : f u guys srsly

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : how could u han?

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : my ears almost fell off from the sudden ‘hey hey you you’

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : ouch

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i think im deaf

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : <https://youtu.be/LH4Y1ZUUx2g?t=51>

**[be-nice-to-min]** : even id be a better gf

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : i promise :3

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : would you actually?

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : ofc

 **[happybunny]** : i think he means…

 **[happybunny]** : would u actually bottom?

 **[not-my-mom]** : guys

 **[not-my-mom]** : that is one image i don't ever want to have in my mind

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : min bottoming?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : Minhyuk as a girl?

 **[onehanna]** : no hyunwoo

 **[onehanna]** : dior is cool!

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : who is dior?

 **[happybunny]** : oh u guys havent met dior!

 **[happybunny]** : missed out on that for sure ahhaahahahah

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : lol I LOVE dior

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : lol

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : <3

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : AGAIN

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : who the fuck is DIOR?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : still not following either

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : well dior picks people that have the honor to meet dior

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : u bet ur ass dior does

I started silently laughing at Minhyuk’s last text into the chat in the middle of the lecture. Min cannot rhyme anything for shit and suddenly he just puts this into the coals. Wow. _Dior is such a queen. I adore Dior._

And so I got to creating with all the time I had on my hands until the end of the lecture that is.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : but you know what guys

 **[onehanna]** : lets not make another chatroom

 **[onehanna]** : lets just keep it real here

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : 100per agree

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : do u guys rly want to do this to me?

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : y?

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i just got a gf

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : cant u be happy for me?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : no

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : r u kidding me?

 **[happybunny]** : what is happiness?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : never heard of that

 **[onehanna]** : <https://youtu.be/gl1aHhXnN1k?t=83>

**[not-my-mom]** : swipe left kyun

 **[not-my-mom]** : while you still can

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : bro ill hold you while u throw up

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : from what

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : when u get drunk from heartaches

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : im not breaking up with minhee

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : we just got together

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : stfu guys

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : fu

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : FU U ALL!!!!!!!!

~Kihyun POV~

 **~[they don’t know about this chat]** chat room~

 **[hyunwoo]** : what is the plan?

 **[won]** : I went around the insta community I have

 **[won]** : shes as fake as her hair

 **[won]** : she needs exposure online and what is better than a rapper bf?

 **[min]** : he will get hurt guys

 **[hoseok]** : I dont want to see kyun hurt :(

 **[ki]** : me neither

 **[joo]** : i hate doing this to my best friend

 **[joo]** : but

 **[joo]** : i cant let her have the best of him

 **[ki]** : plus we know this…

 **[hyunwoo]** : no matter what

 **[hyunwoo]** : Changkyun cannot be with Minhee for too long

 **[hoseok]** : game on

 **[joo]** : should we fill hanna in on the plan?

 **[ki]** : i think she will catch on pretty smoothly without us telling her

 **[min]** : truer word are yet to be spoken

Kihyun hated the fact that in bottom line the 6 of them were planning to get Changkyun hurt, but on the other hand he didn’t want to see one of his best friends get used by some bitch with fake hair and 5k instagram followers. _Fuck that!_

He decided to text Hanna about something that came to his mind out of nowhere.

 **~Private chat** between users _mamashark_ and _babyshark_ ~

 **[mamashark]** : yo

 **[babyshark]** : no

 **[mamashark]** : you don’t even know what I want

 **[babyshark]** : does is have anything to do with house chores?

 **[babyshark]** : cause im not coming to help clean ur and mins room

 **[mamashark]** : wtf?

 **[mamashark]** : I would never ask that of you

 **[mamashark]** : even tho you do come often

 **[mamashark]** : still

 **[babyshark]** : oh ok

 **[babyshark]** : cause min asked me the other day

 **[babyshark]** : ofc I said no

 **[mamashark]** : he asked u what?

 **[mamashark]** : are you serious????

 **[mamashark]** : that little shit

 **[mamashark]** : it’s his turn to clean and he’s trying to get out of it

 **[babyshark]** : but ki, u wanted to tell me smth

 **[mamashark]** : I forgot, but it was something about minhee i think

 **[babyshark]** : lol

 **[babyshark]** : tell me later :D

~Back to Hanna POV~

There is just one person in the world I really wanna talk to right now.

Im Changkyun.

Im. Fucking. Chankgyun.

No reason in particular, to be frank, I just really want to go hang out with him at the studio and fall asleep in the chair after practice like I used to just couple of months ago. But he’s not replying to my texts, we might have been a little harsh in our jabs at his new girlfriend but then again.

I sigh heavily attracting Hoseok’s attention. I came to his and Won’s room after practice today because I just didn’t feel like being alone and they got it, since they have rarely been on their own respectively they started to feel awkward and somehow anti-social when they weren’t with one of the group members. It was a weird feeling.

“You alright there?” Hoseok asks me.

“Not really, honestly I’m starting to reconsider if we’ve been a little too mean to Minhee. I don’t want to hurt Kyun. That’s not my intention,” I relay my thoughts heavily, but happy that I can share them with someone and don’t have to chase meanings and reasonings in my head all alone. “I don’t want to lose a friend over something as stupid as this battle of wits.”

“What battle of wits?” Hyungwon sets his headphones away giving me his attention to hear out my explanation.

“Between me and her. If she wants to be with him and to prove she truly deserves him she needs to win over me. She needs to last out until I give up and approve of her in our circle,” I tell them seriously.

“Could this be intensified by the fact that you’re the only girl in our group?” Hoseok asks with a tint to his voice. He’s making fun of me but this time I cannot catch the hook. I want to tell them all that’s on my mind. And only after that I can talk our shit with them normally.

“This is not about her being a girl. I just have a feeling, a gut feeling and you know those have never ever failed me; that something is off about her. I cannot put my finger on it yet. But I will. Sooner or later.” I hang my head off the small couch letting my blood flow into it.

“Okay.”

“But then again… I don’t have to like Kyun’s girlfriend. The only person, who has to like her is Kyun himself, right?”

“Right…” Won drags out clearly not knowing where I am heading with my remark here.

“Just imagine if he actually didn’t like her?”

“That would be really mean,” Hoseok smirks and I can feel the mood shifting again. My thoughts have been cleared of all the tension I had previously.

I have massive doubts about this relationship and how it may affect our friendship and the dynamics in the group. I hope not much is going to change, the best would be if the only thing that changed was Changkyun’s relationship status.

My gut kept signalizing that I should try to break them up. But why? I really wanted to know why my feelings were so off. Shouldn’t I be happy for him having a girlfriend? Shouldn’t I be supportive of my best friend in his relationship as I am when it comes to his music?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Kyun has a girlfriend... What do you think about her so far?  
> How will the battle of wits go? Who's gonna win?
> 
> In the next chapter - it's Halloween and you know what that means -> PARTYYY! And a certain couple that I have promised is going to have an unforgettable night! So if you wanna know who, what and how, you're gonna have to come back for the next chapter ^^ <3
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter and please, please share your thoughts and opinions with me :) until next time <3


	15. A Night to Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back with the gang... the wait was pretty short this time right? AND it's Halloween, which means the gang goes out, lately they've been doing a lot of that, however this night is going to be a little more special for the story of certain someone <3
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter <3

**~HALLOWEEN TIME - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

“So guys,” I huff out as soon as I reach the table in the mess hall where everyone is sitting. I put my food down on the table and sit down taking my hoodie off. Min has called us for lunch saying he wants to talk about something important but since I wanted to discuss something too, I’d decided to go first and not give a chance to Min to begin because I would never get my turn. “Halloween? Where are we going this year?”

“How did you know that’s what I wanted to talk about?” Minhyuk looks at me with his bitten-off sandwich halfway to his mouth.

“Because we’re of the same blood, duh,” I reply. “Chlorine and paint are both chemicals.”

“That makes zero sense, you know?” Kihyun points out and Min and I both shrug at that.

“Anyways. Halloween,” Jooheon goes back to the mains subject of today’s merry meeting. “RapGround?”

“Nah,” Hyungwon protests.

“No, come on,” I join Hyungwon.

“I agree with them. We’re at RapGround every week these days,” Hyunwoo chimes in on the conversation and I couldn’t agree more.

“Exactly, we should go somewhere else this time,” Minhyuk suggests and looks around at the group.

“Where though? RapGround is a safe choice. There’s good line up for Halloween night too,” Changkyun finally decides grace us with his attention by looking up from his phone and at least pretending he cares where we end up on Halloween night. Which he doesn’t. He cares where his new girlfriend is going to be that night and as I know Kyun (and be sure I know him), he cares the most if by the end of the night he’s on top of her or below her in his room or somewhere against the wall if he’s drunk enough. Men…

“Nah, seriously. I know we know RapGround and we could probably get good drinks there, but I heard of some good campus parties,” Minhyuk pitches an idea for the upcoming night. “I kinda wanna dress up.” He pouts at the end.

“Min, I’m not really interested in your dress-up kink,” Kihyun sipped from his tumbler that I’m sure was full of his famous cold-brew. Suddenly I really wanted a sip too, I reached my hand out and when he turned his eyes to me I lifted my brow and switched my eyes from him to his coffee. Kihyun sighed and smiled and in a caring way rolled his eyes, while handing me the tumbler.

“I don’t have a dress up kink,” Min protested quickly but then stopped himself abruptly as if thinking about it. “Or maybe I do. I guess I need some relationship advice.”

Minhyuk makes the mistake to turn to Hoseok and Hyungwon. Jooheon nudges me and Hyunwoo under the table with his elbow also noticing this occurrence.

“Well, Min there’s great love with great sex, which is Wonnie and me, then there’s sex without love, which would be Hanna’s case over the summer and then there is love without sex, which is Hyunwoo’s case his entire life,” Hoseok explained and Hyunwoo kicked him under the table for the remark about him, which makes Hoseok buck against the bench and table with a pained smile.

“And lastly there’s you,” Hyungwon finishes in one mind with his boyfriend. “You have neither sex nor love.”

Jooheon spills over his water as he almost falls off the bench laughing. The water now all over the table. Everyone is bustling to lift their phones, books and notebooks to keep them dry, while Jooheon was choking on his saliva from laughing and clutching his hand to his side probably having his diaphragm burning up, his face is as red as a tomato.

Now holding my phone safe from the water I look at Jooheon and start laughing at what he looks like. I swear he looks like a freaking tomato, round red cheek, slapping his hand on his thigh. The view is so funny that I laugh so hard soundlessly that I have to put my head against the table in hopes that will help calm the tremors that ripple through my body. I hear others laugh too, Minhyuk as well, but I think the comment from Hyungwon and Hoseok is long forgotten and we currently laugh more at each other rather than what has actually started this whole thing. I would bet my whole month’s allowance that people are looking at our group as if we were a bunch of lunatics. Because we can be.

Finally the laughter is starting to die down and I’m we are calming down slowly. I lift my head from the table and open my eyes and look at my friends. The second I see Minhyuk wiping his tears from laughter looking me dead straight in the eye we go down the spiral and begin to laugh all over again. And so do the others.

Once the lunch break was over for me and I had to leave for class, while others had some time still left. The gang has agreed to not go to RapGround this year for Halloween, at least not in the beginning. We decided to first go to a different bar first that has advertised a pretty cool party and if that wouldn’t work we would move to RapGround. I had to be honest I couldn’t wait for Halloween this year. Everything is planned out really nicely.

**~HALLOWEEN DAY, OCTOBER 31ST - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

“Guys, I know it’s Halloween tonight and you’re excited to go party and all, plus it’s a Friday and we agreed tonight and tomorrow morning you don’t have practice, but at least in the morning let’s not be so sluggish,” the coach tells the whole team on a Friday morning practice convincing up to work harder rather than yelling at us like the previous coach. “Hanna, Hyunwoo please tell something to the 1st years, you’re lane leaders, you should be their motivation. If my words aren’t enough to do the job.”

“If you guys don’t start working like you’re supposed, you’re buying drinks for our group of friends for the night,” Hyunwoo said out of nowhere as if he’s been thinking about it and planning to fit it somewhere. I must admit had I been in the place of the 1st years I’d work my ass off today just to not have to pay drinks for 8 people who drink almost for 2 each. That alone would be a motivation to me.

“That’s your punishment from Hyunwoo. From me it should be enough motivation to tell you that unless you sweat blood today; you guys will have to make sure that our group of friends, that is 8 people including Hyunwoo and me, will get home safe and sound, which means no drinking for you, cause we can go wild when we drink,” I put another scary twist on for the 1st years. They definitely did not want to spend their 1st year of uni Halloween party not drinking and watching over their seniors, who were going to have a lot of fun.

That did it. The coach was extremely happy with the outcome after the first part of the set. Everyone worked hard and so did Hyunwoo and I. We both wanted to make finals in the National Christmas Grand Prix that was coming up in mid December.

Hyunwoo yet again set his eyes and heart on a new record along with getting medals and prizes of course. I just decided that I want to get a PB on 1500 and 800 free. Also the team finally had enough girls to make a girls’ relay team, so we had been training hard for all the relays that are in the NCGP program, which is 4x50 free; 4x50 medley; 4x100 free and 4x100 medley. I was really excited because the relay races have always been fun and thrilling to do making swimming a team sport once in a while.

The day of Halloween at our university is probably as celebrated at Valentine’s Day. The Students Union has decorated the whole campus and there was stuff happening all over. The meeting place in the main building had an arcade, photo booth, face painting and a bunch of other stuff going on. The mess hall had food that looked bloody or was spooky shaped and they gave out candy for people who came in a mask. For people who didn’t have a mask or a painted face would get an apple.

I don’t know but maybe I am the only person, who was happy for actually getting an apple. I love fruit more than anything, so candy I got from the vendors I have passed onto Hyunwoo and Hoseok during lunch since they were the only free people to eat lunch with on Fridays these days.

Getting ready for Halloween night has always been fun, but this year I have made the effort to make it even more fun. Last year I didn’t feel like dressing up at all so Minhyuk gave me a headband with cat ears. Yay!

And since I didn’t want to end up the same way I decided to team up with Kihyun to make Minhyuk regret he didn’t come to any of us to do a couple costume. We’re not a couple and I also know that Hyunwoo hated Halloween costumes, so Kihyun had to pick me. And we came up with a really good idea that would be good as a costume together but even when we are separated we would still have a good one on our own.

Kihyun is going as a gardener with a proper hunter green apron, white long sleeve shirt with a straw hat carrying a watering can and my costume is a dress with sewn on artificial flowers that Kihyun made. He went to Hyungwon to ask him about making it since Hyungwon knew a lot about garments. Together they hand sewn the flowers and also made me a beautiful flower crown.

“Are you ready?” I hear Kihyun’s voice from my room, while I’m in the bathroom finishing up my hair. “I want to make it to pre-drinks in time.”

“Almost. I just want to make sure I don’t lose the flower crown. I’ll just put in a couple more pins, so like give me 2 minutes, yeah?”

“Okay.”

I come out after 2 minutes shaking my head from side to side fairly vigorously to try the stability and fixation of the flower crown.

“Pretty as a flower,” Ki says half ironically.

“You’re talking about the dress,” I state the obvious fact.

“Ah, you’re okay too,” he laughs at me knowing what he was going to say before he got to it.

“I know you too well at this point, Ki,” I grin at him and grab my designated flower purse that is only big enough to hold my phone, ID, card and keys, but I somehow smartly managed to squeeze in a tissue.

“Let’s go shock the hell out of Minhyuk and make him feel sorry for not choosing to team up with us!” Ki hooked his arm into mine as we stepped out of my room.

“I can’t wait to see his face!”

We are the last ones to come to Hoseok and Hyungwon’s place and as soon as the doors open and the two of us walk in I hear the cheers from Hyungwon and Hoseok, who were dressed as Dr. Frankenstein and his monster respectively. Hoseok was in a very torn shirt showing most of his hard-work-earned upper body. “You guys look great!” Hoseok calls out to us. Kihyun bows slightly.

The moment Min turns around from Changkyun and Minhee his face turns from sheer astonishment to absolute envy. “How could you guys do this to me?” he shouts at us in his red life guard costume. He looks fairly good, but we are better let me tell you that much.

“You’re the one, who didn’t want to team up with me…” Kihyun starts arguing with Min and I start to filter them out, while I look over at the others.

Hyunwoo is dresses in all black acting that is his costume and I get him. He never enjoyed this part of Halloween in the first place, so I don’t blame him. Before I met Min and Ki at high school I was the same. I walk towards him because I notice he picked the best spot to sit in - next to the drinks table.

On the other side of the room there is Jooheon, who looks extremely funny in a big onesie that is clearly supposed to be a bee. I bet that was Min’s idea.

And lastly there is Changkyun and Minhee. Changkyun gives off the vibe that he does not want to be here and would rather hide somewhere in the closet. Cause the idea of his costume is super lame and I kinda want to laugh him out but I hold myself just a bit. I still scoff though at the thought that apparently was Minhee’s. Kyun’s face is full of red lipstick kisses as well as his neck and collar bone. He’s wearing quite tight pleather pants and a black dress shirt. He would look incredibly sexy had it not been for the lipstick everywhere. And well Minhee had a little black dress and a bold red lipstick. For Changkyun it was less of a costume and more of a dog leash in my humble opinion.

“So Kyun,” I called out to grab his attention while I was making my drink sitting next to Hyunwoo. “Was this costume one of your amazing ideas? Like last year?”

And I get the exact reaction I hoped for. He was angry and snapped out of his new around-Minhee persona. “You know, Han, had you not been sitting next to Hyunwoo I would go over and probably hurt you or sit here and hurt you with my words, but I’m not going to take my chances now, with your current location.”

“And why do you think I’m sitting here?”

“For protection…”

“Aw, Kyunnie, you know me so well,” I said with a flirt in my voice. I heard Hyunwoo snicker and then choke on his drink. This night was starting out to be one of the good ones.

I’m not sure I remember exactly how I lost Kihyun in the club we went to or when I lost him there, but I very well recall how I found him and the way excitement flowed through my body when I set my eyes on my gardener half of costume, who also lost the straw hat somewhere.

Kihyun and Hyunwoo were on the edge of the dance floor in a darkened corner dancing pretty hotly against each other. Hyunwoo’s right hand on the back of Ki’s neck and the other on his hip holding him close; the short gardener’s hand was on the taller man’s lower back and the the other one on his cheek, resting there tenderly almost lovingly. A smile has spread on my face as I witnessed the two men kiss, softly and tentatively at first as if trying out the temperature of the water with your toes before you jump in head first. The hesitancy of their kiss rapidly changed in the next 5 seconds into a rude chase of taming the raw hunger that has built up inside of them over the years. It was almost difficult to keep watching because it looked so intimate that I felt like no one should be voyeuring this. Not a single soul. It was their moment and theirs alone. But in that very moment that belonged only to them, I was their biggest fan.

_< A/N.: at first I wanted to be a little mean, but then I did want to give a little insight of Kihyun’s thoughts on Hyunwoo, since they were have never been revealed before>_

~Kihyun POV~

Kihyun downed another shot of tequila and chased it down with another slice of lime. He stopped counting after the 6th shot since his chase down drink that used to be plain coke was suddenly enriched by rum. He didn’t know when it happened but at some point he just realized.

As he took out the green crescent of lime from his mouth he grabbed the person that was sitting next to him all night by the hand and with the unusual rush of courage dragged him to the dance floor even though he himself wasn’t that good of dancer or that dancing was any of his favourite things to do.

But Hyunwoo liked dancing. He often went dancing when they went out to a club in their 1st year at university or at the summer festivals. Taking a peek at Hyunwoo he looked as surprised as ever by Kihyun’s actions. The shorter blushed but it remained unseen in the darkness of the club interrupted only by the strobing lights. Kihyun didn’t particularly want to go into the centre so he stopped on the edge of the crowd positioned himself dangerously close to the man he was still holding the hand of. They started to move to the rhythm of the music as if they were meant to do that from the day they had been born. He looked up to Hyunwoo’s face and expected to see something like repulsion but what he saw in Hyunwoo’s eyes was somewhere between pure admiration, lust and raw desire. The taller man’s eyes gleamed, mirroring Kihyun’s.

A wave of courage, excitement and yearn to touch hit Kihyun like a tsunami and out of nowhere there was no time left to lose. He put his hands on Hyunwoo’s lower back and Hyunwoo mimicked his braveness and caught him by the back of his neck to pull him closer. Their lips brushed and a zing of electricity went all over Kihyun’s body. It felt like nothing has ever felt like before and he never wanted that moment to go away. EVER.

But then another, better, thing came. Hyunwoo pulled him flush against his body and Kihyun reflected Hyunwoo’s deepened kiss immediately, lips dancing in their own hungry rhythm. The way Hyunwoo's tongue fought with Kihyun's own was absolutely intoxicating and Kihyun felt like in seventh heaven. They were both hungry for more and more and more. _Why did I wait so long to do this?_ he thought to himself. When Hyunwoo broke the kiss Kihyun felt an immediate rush of sadness at the loss of touch of his lips; but the second he felt Hyunwoo’s lips on his neck below the ear pleasure ran through him. A pleasure he stopped believing would ever come. He never wanted this to end. _Please, let this night last forever._

After what had seemed like forever and only a couple of moments at the same time, Kihyun had to pull away from kissing Hyunwoo to take a breather. Hyunwoo used those couple of seconds to start dragging Kihyun away from the dance floor into a calmer corner where he trapped him tightly against the wall only to have his way with Kihyun’s swollen lips again, fiercely catching them but biting down softly on Kihyun's bottom lip as if he was afraid to hurt him. Kihyun responded by pushing himself even closer to Hyunwoo, snaking his hand on the back of the taller man's neck, attacking Hyunwoo's lips with vigor. Both men felt an insatiable thirst for the other, as if both just got a sip of water but wanted to drink gallons.

This time it was Kihyun, who broke the kiss only to start kissing Hyunwoo’s neck just over his collar bone, gently sucking at the skin but at the same time hoping that he would see his mark there in the morning. A gentle yet lustful moan escaped came out of Hyunwoo. And that sound was like an aphrodisiac to Kihyun, he wanted to hear it every day and night for the rest of his life. _Oh God, let this night never end._

~Back to Hanna POV~

I know I said I would stop drinking. And I’m saying it again. _I am never drinking again._

Well, okay…

At least… not that much.

Because yet again the same questions have risen up when I wake up in the morning. “Where the hell am I and how on Earth did I get here?”

I look around the room and recognize some elements.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on the showki part??? ^^ also, is this a good time to mention that I'm planning on a short spin off story for showki after this one finishes? :)) <3  
> What do you think about the costumes of Ki and Hanna? And Kyun's costume? :'D
> 
> In the next chapter, the aftermath of a great party is revealed yet again, unfortunately it's most likely not the one anybody would expect (sorry but it's necessary); and also a break up might be coming up. Whose, you ask? Stay tuned for that... :)
> 
> Please let me know what you think of this chapter, as it might affect the spin off story too...
> 
> Have a great rest of the day and see you next time <3 :)


	16. A Morning to Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to another fast update - I myself didn't expect to update this fast ^-^'  
> Anyways, according to the aftermath, the Halloween party was something again. This much drinking must really be bad for their livers, lol. :D Some things are better forgotten, I guess...?
> 
> I am very happy that you came back to read another chapter an hope you enjoy it!^^

**~MORNING, NOVEMBER 1ST - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

And now the million dollar question - _why_ did I wake up in Changkyun’s room?

And the second million dollar question - _why_ did I wake up here with Minhyuk?

And lastly a billion dollar question - _how_ did we get to Kyun’s room without Kyun being here, ergo - how did we get the key card?

I sat on the bed and nudged Minhyuk at the bottom of the bed with my foot. “Min, wake up.”

Nothing happened.

“YO, MIN, waaaakee up!” I raised my almost non-existent voice. My throat felt like sand paper and I probably screamed my voice out somewhere at some point during the night last night.

“Mmmmmhhmmfff,” came out of the body curled up at my feet. Literally a body, a shell of a person that I knew Min to be.

“Where is Changkyun?” I ask still not able to find my voice even though I have cleared my throat multiple times already.

“Why?” Min whines.

“Cause we’re in his room and he’s not here,” I state the obvious that my best friend has not noticed yet.

“Hmmm, his problem,” and Min went back to sleep.

I take a look at my phone to check time - 10:23. It’s awfully early to be awake after all night of partying but that’s my swimmer inner system that does make me wake up really early.

“Guys, shut uuuup,” came a rough voice resembling mine from below the bed. I take a peek at who is sleeping, or trying to sleep, there since I have not noticed another person there before.

“Ki? And what are you doing here?”

“I don’t know, I guess I came with you,” he rasped a reply. “Since you’re up and alive, check in with the others will you?” He will forever be a mother figure in our group no matter what happens. I mean, look, he’s having a massive hangover and his concern is where everyone is, not the fact that he was sleeping on the floor in a different room, has no clue how he got there or what the hell happened to his neck below both ears - to which I know the secret.

And so I check up on the others.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : anyone alive and well?

No one responds for a while so I get up from Kyun’s bed and go to the bathroom only to find Jooheon sleeping in the shower seated against the wall with a toothbrush in his mouth and toothpaste in his hand. He is no longer in his bee costume rather he has a Winnie the Pooh onesie on and I would just love to hear the story of how he got it. I gently take the toothbrush out of his mouth and pat him on the cheek.

“Jooheon, Jooheon wake up,” I try telling him softly.

His eyes flutter open and a painful groan leaves his mouth. “What?”

“Why are you sleeping in Kyun’s bathroom?” I ask stifling my laughter.

“Cause Hyunwoo brought me here,” he says looking like he’s trying hard to remember what happened.

“Okay, where’s Hyunwoo then?”

He shrugs unknowing the answer to that question and then his eyes turn to his clothes. “Where is the bee costume?”

“That’s a story I would love to hear,” I smirk at him. “Also is this Kyun’s toothbrush?”

“Most likely. I remember being so drunk that I wanted to really brush my teeth before going to sleep, but I guess I fell asleep while doing it. And that was the only toothbrush here.”

“That’s kinda gross.”

“I know,” he groans again this time a hint of disgust over using Kyun’s toothbrush is very touchable. “Man, my neck hurts.”

“No wonder, you’ve slept in the shower. Not even a bathtub,” I pat the top of his head and go back to the room where Kihyun is sitting up already but looks like he’s fallen asleep leaning against the bed. I decide to check my phone.

 **~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[happybunny]** : we ended up in our room

 **[happybunny]** : but wonnie lost things again :/

 **[onehanna]** : what did he lose this time?

 **[happybunny]** : wallet, keys and phone

 **[onehanna]** : omg

 **[onehanna]** : w everything in it????

 **[happybunny]** : yep

 **[happybunny]** : w all his id cards, debit cards, student card, bus card, membership cards, money

 **[happybunny]** : everything

 **[happybunny]** : the phone was pretty new too

 **[happybunny]** : he feels pretty bad abt it

 **[onehanna]** : well so would i

 **[Hungry Bear]** : dw

 **[Hungry Bear]** : i have them

 **[Hungry Bear]** : phone and wallet

 **[Hungry Bear]** : i dont know about keys tho

 **[happybunny]** : OMG REALLY????

 **[happybunny]** : you’re a saviour

 **[happybunny]** : wonnie says he loves you :)

 **[onehanna]** : nu, where r u ???

 **[onehanna]** : u r the only member of the group i have no idea where he is

 **[Hungry Bear]** : my own room, dressed in pjs and apparently i also brushed my teeth before i went to bed

 **[onehanna]** : yeah, joo tried :’D

 **[happybunny]** : wait han

 **[happybunny]** : u know where everyone is?

 **[onehanna]** : yeah im w min, ki and joo

 **[Hungry Bear]** : did u not forget about kyun?

 **[happybunny]** : he was on a tight leash last night hyunwoo

 **[onehanna]** : yeah I guess he went home with her

 **[Hungry Bear]** : yeah

 **[Hungry Bear]** : maybe he brought her to his room

 **[onehanna]** : nope

 **[onehanna]** : he did not

 **[happybunny]** : how do u know??

 **[onehanna]** : cause the 4 of us r in kyuns room :DDD

 **[Hungry Bear]** : wow

 **[happybunny]** : lmao

 **[happybunny]** : btw linner anyone?

 **[Hungry Bear]** : im in

 **[Hungry Bear]** : 4pm at the soup place?

 **[onehanna]** : all in

 **[happybunny]** : see u

“Okay guys, c’mon. Let’s go,” I said pushing Minhyuk of the bed so I can clean up Kyun’s bed even though I was almost sure he never did his bed anyway.

It was nice meeting everyone for linner again, but the biggest surprise to everyone was Changkyun turning up with Minhee. I never even realized he read the group chat.

“What’s up?” he greeted us as he sat down, Minhee next to him giving us her smile n.8 and a too-much-excitement wave. “You all look very fresh and crisp.”

“We shouldn’t have made his bed,” Minhyuk leans to me as if saying the sentence secretively but he said it loud enough with a slight irritation in his voice for everyone to hear, on purpose of course.

From the other side of me Kihyun leans in and reply to Min before I get the chance. “Yeah, we shouldn’t have.”

Later that day we’re all at Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s place again just chilling, sleeping, talking, playing games. A normal Saturday night for us.

I’m sitting next to Kihyun and lean to him to ask him quietly, “Ki, where did you get the hickeys?”

“I don’t know,” he replies and I look at him as if he was stupid. “What? I really don’t remember.”

“Come on. Reeeaally?” I whisper.

“Yeah. I tried to look through my phone for picture, nothing. I asked Min if he took any and he did but nothing about them. I asked Hoseok and Hyungwon when they questioned me, nothing. I asked Hyunwoo, nothing. No one knows anything.”

“You’re kidding right?” I double checked.

“No. I really cannot recall kissing anyone,” he hangs his head in a saddened motion and since I still don’t believe it, I went to Won’s desk where Hyunwoo was playing a phone game.

“Hey, Nu! You have a minute?” I come to sit on the floor next him and look up at my best friend.

“Hmm, what’s going on?” he puts his phone away and regards me intrigued.

“How drunk were you last night?” I try to hide my intentions at first.

“Umm, at first quite a lot, I think. But maybe later I sobered up since I normally woke up in my room. And with Hyungwon’s stuff,” he shrugs his shoulder not realizing where I’m trying to go with this. _He has to remember… right?_ “But I have no idea how I got to my room.”

“You really don’t remember anything from last night?” I quirk my brow at him.

“Not really. Last thing I remember was getting drinks at the bar with Minhyuk. After that it’s a blur more or less.”

_Aha! Liar. I caught you!_

_How_ I caught him you may ask?

Simple.

Last night, Minhyuk ventured off with another group of friends he met at the club we went to and only appeared shortly before when we were leaving. Plus, I more or less clearly recall Hyunwoo not leaving the group to go to the bar the whole night. He hasn't left Ki's side.

I make a mental note about the plan to interrogate him on Monday morning at practice because that is when he is the most vulnerable to any kind of questions and interrogation.

I nod to Hyunwoo acknowledging his arguments and stand up to let him play his game. My face has to be the tell tale of my emotions since when I sit down Kyun leans towards me.

“Why are you looking all weird?” he asks.

“Who? Me?” I answer with a question.

“No, my hind leg.”

“ _I am_ your hind leg, bitch,” I bite back deciding not to respond to his question for one simple reason.

I have now become Sherlock, who needs to solve the mystery of last night between Hyunwoo and Kihyun to know whom I have to kick in the shin for lying. And I have also become the matchmaker from Mulan, for those who have seen it - I’m just not a fat middle aged lady, and I will make sure that someone will bring honor to us all.

On Monday morning I woke up in my classic time to move my bones and got my sorry ass to the pool.

The juniors have already arrived, but still looking like they had some alcohol circulating in their blood. Must have been a loooong party for them.

As always, Hyunwoo beat me to warm up and has already been doing morning stretches. I walk up to him, still not 100% sure about my strategy. But somehow I decided I needed to make this work. It pained me to keep witnessing Hyunwoo stealing sideway glances at Ki without having that one stupid ounce of courage to tell him. When in past I liked someone he always encouraged me to say something to that person because ‘who knows maybe he likes you too?’ and ‘if it doesn’t work out at least you won’t have the regret that you didn’t try’.

“Okay. Spill it,” I spit at him fairly harshly considering it wasn’t even 6AM on Monday morning.

He yawns and looks at me confused as if I caught him eating the last cookie from the safely put-away cookie jar. “Spill what?”

“Ugh. You know what happened during Halloween. Don’t try to deny that you remember. Don’t you dare act like that in front of me,” I broaden my shoulders in effort to look a little bit taller, stronger, more intimidating.

“What do you mean?”

“Stop playing dumb, Nu,” I walk closer to him hissing the words out only for the two of us to hear. He instinctively takes a step back and I take another forward. “It doesn’t suit you to play dumb like this, my dear friend. You know very well what happened between you and Ki on Friday.”

He sighs heavily, looking defeated and ashamed of lying straight to my face. “Yeah.”

“So why the hell did you tell him you don’t know how he got the hickeys?” I put my hand on his shoulder when he sits on the bench that I backed him up to. I wanted to accusingly poke at his shoulder but his innocent regret and shame made me reconsider harsh treatment. I realized he’s probably beating himself over it more than anyone. He’s been craving that _for years_ now.

“Because when he came to me saying he doesn’t remember, I panicked. I didn’t want to ruin things between the two of us. We’ve been friends for ages and then there’s the group and I see how we started treating Kyun’s girlfriend and I'm scared one of us will end up like that. Like the person, who might not longer belong to our gang,” he slumps his shoulders even lower and his voice breaks multiple times and I know he’s holding back tears. It’s a painful sight to witness.

I squat to be able to look him in the eye. “5 years, Hyunwoo. For 5 years you’ve had your crush and look at how you’re throwing away such a chance. Plus Minhee is a completely different case. If, and that’s a big _IF_ , you and Kihyun broke up, considering you man up and talk to him about it; and the group would start keeping you out of the loop, I would be the one, who would go with you. Anywhere. I don’t care about anyone as much as I care about you, you big idiot. I’m always going to be by your side, no matter what you decide to do, Hyunwoo.”

“I know. Both of those things. But wait… how do you know about what happened that night?” he stares me in the eye intently searching for explanation.

“Because I saw you, _duh._ ”

“So why didn’t you tell Kihyun about what happened?”

“And how exactly is that my story to tell? Plus, I knew you weren’t that drunk, so that is your responsibility and your own only,” I stand back up and gaze down at him.

“Showers, please!!!!” we hear the coach shout at all the swimmers on deck.

“Let’s go, it’s time to get our chlorine dose up again,” I smile at him and see the characteristic gleam in his eyes again.

The only thing I want for my friend is to be happy.

Tuesday lunches were my most adored lunches this semester because it was the end of my school day and I had the afternoon off until I had to go to back to practice, that began with extended dry-land, but I had a couple of hours to do whatever I wanted so that was always nice.

Sitting at a big table as always, Hyunwoo and I have already started eating; the others join in slowly.

Minhyuk came first with paint on his cheek and fuming mood when he huffed and puffed over everything and anything. His teacher has called his most recent painting a ' _profanity_ ', an ' _abomination_ ' and ' _down-right bottom line pornographic disrespect_ ' to her class. When he showed us the picture of black, white and red painting I saw the eroticism but I haven’t seen the aforementioned abomination. So his Tuesday was going really badly.

Second came Hoseok tailed by Hyungwon, but the two of them looked a little down too. To the question ‘what’s going on?’ both replied nothing and Hoseok quietly sat down and started eating his lunch starting a conversation with Hyunwoo about the upcoming NCGP.

Jooheon came next and made his way to Won to talk to him about the most recent assignment they got on the music composition class about incorporating hip styled beats into a classical music composition. Both of them talked tiredly as if it was the worst and most boring project they have ever been assigned to do. But they conversation quickly shifted to Hyungwon’s DJ gig coming up in a month or so that the whole group was excited about. Unfortunately, it came to be on the weekend Hyunwoo and I are at the National Christmas Grand Prix that we have been working so hard for.

Kihyun appeared literally out of nowhere sitting next to me, pulling out his meal prep and handing me a box for tomorrow as he has always done these days. I’m serious when I say I think he took me as a personal project of his own and tracked my macros better that an app. And I'm not gonna lie, I love him for it.

Last but not least Changkyun arrived at our table. Unfortunately not alone. Minhee and Kyun sat on the opposite side of the table from me and she smiled sickly sweet. I wanted to throw up and actually think that a little bit of food actually came back from my stomach.

“You guys all look a little down,” Kyun looks around the table, himself as fresh as ever.

“Morning practice,” Hyunwoo points to himself, Hoseok and me. We’ve lately been meeting Hoseok with diving team at morning practice because he made a bet with the coach he can get into the national diving team.

“I’m an _abomination_ ,” Minhyuk spits out spitefully.

“Classical music intertwining with hip hop assignment, which you should be working on as well,” Jooheon reminds Changkyun to with the rapper only nods.

“I’m fine,” Kihyun shrugs his shoulders and goes back to reading a book on his phone.

“I’m tired,” Hyungwon sighs and rest his head on his hand. “I’m not an early bird…”

“So you’re a night owl then,” Minhee proclaims happily feeling like it’s time for her to join the conversation because the attention hasn’t been on her for a long time.

“No. He’s some form of a permanently exhausted pigeon,” Hoseok says matter-of-factly from his spot next to Hyunwoo.

**~MID-NOVEMBER, 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Saturday morning practice just ended and I couldn’t wait to go back to my room and sleep off the week since I have decided to post pone all my homework to Sunday effectively.

My phone rings and I just hope it’s neither of my parents.

It’s Hoseok.

I pick up. “Hey.”

_“Hey. Are you busy?”_

“I was on my way from practice. What’s going on?”

_“Can I come to your room then?”_

“Sure. Is everything alright though?”

_“I just need to talk.”_

Okay, now that seemed serious.

As I was hanging up my swimsuit there is a knock on my door and I open them to see a Hoseok I haven’t seen in a long time. Maybe ever.

There are dark circles underneath his eyes and he looks like he has the worst night of his life. Hoseok sits on my bed and puts his head into his hands covering his face. I quickly take a seat next to him and start to rub his back up and down in a soothing caring motion.

“What’s going on?” I ask softly.

A strangled sob comes out of my friend and my heart breaks. That was a sound I have never wanted to hear from Hoseok.

“Please tell me, Hoseok. Maybe I can help. Or maybe just me listening might help,” I continue to stroke his back with tender care.

Another sob escapes his lips but this time there is a voice behind it.

“Hyungwon and I might break up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon and Hoseok are on the verge of a break up - what do you think will happen to those two?  
> Also, like Hanna suspected, Hyunwoo lied to Kihyun - your opinions on that? 
> 
> In the next chapter, we find out what happens to Hoseok and Hyungwon and the National Christmas Grand Prix is on in Mid-December and somebody makes a mistake that might just cost him a dear friend.
> 
> Really hope you enjoyed this chapter and come back next time to find out about the fate of the gang! ^^ <3


	17. It Was Meant to Be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :) <3 just a quick 'previously on': in the last chapter Hoseok came to Hanna crying and saying Won and him might break up, this chapter follows right after. Are they going to break up?
> 
> In this chapter someone makes a mistake and friendship in on the line. Also it's the NCGP and Hoseok reveals a secret he forgot about to the gang :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy reading it :)

“Hyungwon and I might break up,” Hoseok says and his voice breaks, a sob rips through his body and I can feel his heart crack and mine along with it.

“Why? What happened?”

“I guess we’ve both had enough of each other,” there is pain in his voice but also something else I cannot really recognize. “I don’t even know if I love him anymore.”

Wow. Now that was a sentence I’ve never thought I would hear from Hoseok. He loved Won with his entire heart and the love was so pure, so clean and un-prejudiced. It was loyal, heart-warming, beautiful and every time it helped people restore their faith in true love.

“Did you guys fight?”

“Yeah.”

“About?”

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“No. It does. Tell me what happened and number one; it will help you think by telling me and number two; I will help you think a decision like this through.”

“Okay,” he sighs deeply and straightens his back. “I don’t think that the two of us love each other anymore. I think it’s more like we’re together because it’s comfortable, it’s something we know and we know it won’t hurt us if we stay together. It’s kind of as if we only were friends with benefits, who used to love each other. And I don’t want him to stay with me just because we know we work together but there is no passion, no love to back it up. To back up our relationship from the bottom like a back bone. I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship just because it’s comfortable. I need to love the person 100% and I’m starting to feel that so does Won. We fought about this last night and today in the morning too. Not even the sex feels like it used it. It feels more like a chore that just has to be done now. The worst is that he said the same thing.”

I listen to him and try to process all that he said. _This was crazy._ I have never seen two people, who love each other more than these two. But okay. I think I have to guide Hoseok through this and he has to decide for himself. I’ll support whatever decision comes.

“Okay, so you feel like you two are together only out of comfort? Is that also why you guys have been acting weird for the past couple of days? Like you have not been yourselves?”

“You noticed?” Hoseok asks unbelieving.

“You’re not that good of an actor, Hoseokie. And neither is Hyungwon. Everyone could tell something is wrong, but no one knew what and we all know that the two of you would never bring it up just like that,” I snap my fingers to emphasize what I wanted to say.

“Yeah, I admit.”

“So let me ask you a couple of questions, my dearest friend.”

“Go ahead.”

“When you guys fought, was it passionate or just like whatever?”

“Passionate,” he sighs heavily again and I can see tears coming to his eyes. Who knows what they said to each other during that fight. “We shouted at each other. It was pretty brutal.”

“And did your heart hurt when you said those things or after you said them?”

“Yes. It still hurts now.” The pain in Hoseok’s voice is so thick like a cold butter against a cold knife. My heart’s hurting along with his.

“And even now after that fight when you said who-knows-what to each other, do you feel you need to go console him even though you’re angry?”

“I guess.”

“And when you look into the future in this very moment, where do you see Won?”

He loses himself in his thoughts for a moment. “Around…”

“Do your insides feel empty and constricted at the same time?”

“Yes,” he looks me in the eye still not quite understanding where I am headed with this.

“Hoseokie,” I begin in a soft loving voice. “That is heartbreak.” His brows furrow together folding the skin between them. “That means you still love him. You’ve been together for quite some time. 3 years is quite a long time for someone our age, you know? You guys just need to figure out some things in life, I think. Can I be frank with you?”

“Go ahead,” he motions with his hand. His face before stained with tears, now had hopeful glare and aura in it. As if he was waiting for me to say what he felt was wrong, the reason he fought with his boyfriend was just made up and that he still loved him as much as before. And if he’s been waiting for me to confirm his feelings that tells me that I am right and he still loves him as much as ever.

“The two of you are the greatest couple I have ever seen in my whole entire life. I may not have seen that many to have it backed up, however when I look at the two of you I feel like I know what love is. And trust me when I say that not that many people in the world know that these days. Love is such a fleeting thing but you and Hyungwon found each other in this whole entire world full of billions of people and if your heart hurts when you’re away from him than that is love. You miss him and you regret the bad things you said. You want to take back the shouts and mean words and just hold him close and say you’re going to be okay. Hoseokie, this is a phase, a time you just have to get over together. It will make your relationship only stronger. Please trust me on this. I know there are many people, who break up because simply the love has left them and their relationship fails. But these people rarely feel heartbroken when that happens, instead they feel relieved like a heavy weight was lifted off of their hearts. Have you ever thought of someone else while you were with him?”

“No,” he shakes his head gently, his eyes gleaming even more than before.

“See, because you only see him in your future. Your love is based on friendship and mutual understanding, loyalty and passion for the other. And I honest to God doubt that the burning thirst for each other is going away either. I mean c’mon. I see you guys, the way you touch each other and do you think I’m stupid and haven’t seen you during Halloween? You guys were all over each other as always. Classic Hyungwonho,” I smirk at him with my last sentence.

“You think?” The pain from his voice has faded away and the hurt from my heart has also left because I knew I have made the right decision to help him this way.

<Meanwhile, Jooheon POV>

Hyungwon walked into the studio where Jooheon was sitting for the past 4 hours desperate to even find himself a way to finish this composition assignment. So when he noticed Hyungwon walk through the door of his booked studio in the music building he was rather happy his best friend would be there to give him a hand with the project even though at first he didn’t notice his friend’s down mood.

“Yo, can you help me with this?” Jooheon asks from his chair to the approaching tall model-slash-DJ without even looking away from the monitor.

“Sure.” Hyungwon said but Jooheon quickly realized that the way his friend sounded like he didn’t really come to help rather he searched help. Jooheon pushed himself away from the table and turned to the phantom of a happy friend, who just slumped into the chair next to him.

“What’s going on, mate? You alright?”

“Nah,” he sighed and threw his head back. His eyes shedding silent tears as he stared up at the ceiling.

“Okay. I’m listening,” Jooheon said knowing that Hyungwon is the type that needs someone to listen intently and just talk it out rather than hearing someone reason with him.

“I just came out of a fight with Hoseok. It was pretty bad. We’ve never fought like this. I don’t know if any of you noticed these past couple of days, I don’t know maybe 2 weeks at this point, we have been more distant and less synced than ever before. Last night we talked about it and ended up fighting. Today in the morning we fought too. I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore, like he’s with me out of duty, out of comfort. And the worst thing is that it's making me think this; that I’m starting to feel the same way. It’s like, I’m so comfortable with him I don’t want to leave because it’s just so easy and effortless to be with him but you know that kind of burn that settles inside you when you’re with someone you love is no longer there. I’m feeling like we have an expiry date now. And that it’s approaching very fast.”

There was a moment of silence. If Jooheon didn’t know Hyungwon he would say something, but Hyungwon just needed to put his thoughts in order to be able to continue and for his thoughts to make sense when said out loud.

“So I think, we’re going to break up. But there is this pain inside when I think of that. I don’t know if it’s comfort or friendship or what it is. But the pain kind of clenches me on the inside and I want to curl up in the corner under my blanket and hug someone, preferably Hoseok, until the pain goes away. However I don’t want to feel the pain and it feels like the only way to avoid the pain is to stay and make him stay.”

Another moment of silence comes through when a sob breaks Hyungwon’s trail of thoughts. This time the tears are not silently falling off his cheeks anymore. Broken sobs ripple through his body and he shakes from crying.

“I don’t w-want him t-to leave me... I-I want him to s-stay... I want t-to stay. I _love_ him for God’s sake,” Hyungwon now had his face buried into his hands Jooheon moved closer to put his hand on his shoulder.

“I think you have the answer of what you need to do,” Jooheon speaks for the first time with a reassuring voice. Hyungwon nods gratefully and takes a deep calming breath.

<Back to Hanna POV>

 **~Private chat** between users _h.one_ and _onehanna_ ~

 **[h.one]** : hey han

 **[onehanna]** : hey won :)

 **[h.one]** : thanks

 **[h.one]** : for talking to hoseok <3

 **[h.one]** : means a lot…

 **[onehanna]** : you guys made up i suppose ^-^

 **[h.one]** : we did

 **[h.one]** : rly thx

 **[onehanna]** : dw abt it

 **[onehanna]** : anytime u need to talk, im here for u

 **[onehanna]** : always

 **[h.one]** : <3

**~END OF NOVEMBER - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

The National Christmas Grand Prix was approaching at a rapid pace and Hyunwoo and I were working hard and the coach was hopeful to see good results out of the splits she was seeing during our practices. We went a little bit into technique change which is always risky before a big event but fixing some details could do a lot in the overall technique and ease that could be put into swimming. If you can swimming effortlessly with good technique your energy can be effectively transferred to the stroke and kick making you faster. And that is what we have been focusing.

I have noticed the difference in Hyunwoo’s breaststroke. It was looking so super smooth during 50 breast too and it only used to on long events like 200 breast. Hyunwoo also said that he noticed my stroke causes less pain to the shoulder since even after the whole practice I stay still and don’t thrash around in the cool down as much trying to compensate for my shoulder.

We have also put a lot work into perfecting the relay starts among girls.

Everyone was preparing to the best of their abilities.

Friday lunches were always fun. Most of us had their classes over. Only Kihyun and Changkyun had Friday afternoon classes. So here we were, carefree on a Friday noon, when a terrible pouring rain has been going on outside for two days, but we were merry. All 8 of us for once. Changkyun’s girlfriend is yet to appear and frankly said no one minded. Not a single person around the table missed her. At one point I thought that Kyun didn’t miss her either.

But then she appeared.

“Hello, guys!!” she exclaimed when she arrived at the table. I rolled my eyes and Minhyuk next to me almost dropped his tea from the startle her high-pitched voice gave him. “How are you all doing today?” Minhee sat next to Kyun and pulled him for a possessive kiss. It was kind of gross.

“Oh oh, I forgot to tell you guys!” Hoseok suddenly exclaims. His face lights up and out of nowhere Hyungwon looks incredibly proud too. “A scout came to our practice yesterday and picked me to join the national team without having to pass trials; he said he’s seen me at a couple of competition and noticed that I am national team material.”

A chaos breaks out. Everyone speaks at once.

I throw a bottle cap at him and shout: “You forgot?!”

Jooheon stabs Hoseok with his chopstick into the shoulder. “How could you forget?”

“WHAT?!” Minhyuk shouts out.

“That’s great,” Hyunwoo smiles and slaps his back.

“Hoseok, why did you keep it for so long?” Changkyun accuses him.

“Awesome, congrats!” Kihyun smiles at him happily.

When we finally calm down, it must be minutes later of Min, Joo and me shouting at Hoseok for apparently keeping it a secret on purpose.

And then Minhee speaks up. “Also, everyone, I baked some healthy cookies for you.” She looks so proud of herself and pulls out a plastic box full of slightly weirdly looking cookies.

I glance over at Kihyun and notice him squinting his eyes ever so slightly. Something is off and Kihyun can tell just by looking at them. I mean his major and experience gives him an advantage in this stuff.

“Give them a try, please,” she motions with her hand towards the cookies obviously waiting for us to give her feedback. I try look at Changkyun’s face, but his eyes are glued to his phone and face neutral. He didn’t like the cookies. “But I have to go, babe. The girls are waiting for me.”

“Okay. I’ll pick you up later,” Kyun smiles at her dearly and something in me feels off. I don’t know what it could be though.

Hoseok and Kihyun are the first ones to reach for the cookies. Hoseok takes the first bite and scrunches his forehead. “Honestly, does she suffer from acute lack of taste?”

“Most likely,” Ki agrees with him after having difficulty swallowing a dry looking piece of cookie and chases it down with his iconic cold brew.

“Guys,” Hyungwon looks at everyone around the table and slightly leans in squints his eyes knowingly. “Just look at her clothes.”

And I choke. I almost cough my esophagus out. Even Changkyun snickered at Hyungwon’s remark.

**~NATIONAL CHRISTMAS GRAND PRIX WEEKEND, MID DECEMBER - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[not-my-mom]** : hows it going?

 **[onehanna]** : nu is just about to go to up for 200 breast

 **[not-my-mom]** : wish i could be there tho :(

 **[onehanna]** : dude

 **[onehanna]** : ur granny is in the hospital

 **[onehanna]** : ofc u’d be there

 **[onehanna]** : jesus

 **[happybunny]** : won and i will come for the finals in the afternoon

 **[onehanna]** : okay ^^

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : I’ll be in tmrw, but i rly needed to finish this bit of music before i send it off to the client

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : hows that going?

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : r they finally happy?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : happier

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i guess

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : sorry i was afk

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : both are doing rly well

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : i’ll keep updates up during han’s 800 free

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : which is sadly followed by the 4x100 free women’s relay right after

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : that sucks

 **[not-my-mom]** : but hanna can do it

 **[not-my-mom]** : she’s been working rly hard for this

 **[not-my-mom]** : and hyunwoo too

 **[onehanna]** : thanks guys

 **[onehanna]** : rly

 **[onehanna]** : even having u online like this

 **[onehanna]** : just waiting for results

 **[onehanna]** : means a lot

 **[onehanna]** : to both hyunwoo and me

Mondays after big meets have always been my favourite Mondays of all there were. Morning practice was off and in 2nd year of uni I managed to not have an early morning class right after practice on Monday so when the morning pool was off I could literally sleep in. My class was at 10:30 to 12:00, which meant I could sleep till 9:30.

Not that I did, but I could laze around and do nothing for a couple of morning hours, which always felt nice.

I decided to go have breakfast alone to the café at the design building, since I wanted to do some studying before going into class about muscle physiology. Plus the design building had the best café when it came to breakfast and the best espresso too. The chairs in the communal café were comfy and the tables big since a lot of the students from any design course would go there and talk about whatever they were doing and since they always had a lot of papers and stuff to show to each other, the tables were big. And to me, with 3 books plus a notebook and a thick binder of notes for Sports Medicine, having a big table right now was a plus.

Somebody approached my table and I looked up from my notes to see my best friend. _Well, is he still?_

Changkyun has ditched us for the whole weekend, never check the group chat - not even to read the results. He didn’t ask, or answer, or interact with anyone from the group during the whole weekend. And honestly Won and Ki have been calling him out on this. We all understood that he had a girlfriend and that she might have been important to him but I mean, don’t you have 5 minutes to read the chat?

I was really hurt by this. _Really hurt_.

Heeey,” he greets me tentatively and insecurely, looking very guilty. In that very moment, when I look into his eyes, I want to forgive him and not be bitter but frankly; that’s just not who I am. At least not today.

“New phone. _Who dis_?” I say clearly irritated. I start closing all my books and notes.

“Come on, you can’t do this in person,” he groans out of frustration.

“Mmhhmmm, watch me,” I reply sassily and pick up all my stuff and walk out of the café.

I don’t turn around to see the hurt in his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, they didn't break up. Hyungwonho lives!!! Even though I was planning to put them on a break, but then again... I kinda need them for the story later, so yeah... Also Hanna hurt Changkyun like that, but she doesn't know she did - she's hurt herself, you know. What do you think will happen - can Hanna get over her own self importance? Was it all Minhee? Tell me your thoughts please :) :3
> 
> Tune in next time to find out if Hanna and Changkyun make up and Minhyuk admits to doing something that shocks the hell out of Hanna!
> 
> I'm happy you came back to read another chapter and hope you've enjoyed it. Please come back for the next one :) <3


	18. ...But Can We Still Change Fate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gang is back!!! Welcome to the new chapter! <3
> 
> The Christmas is just around the corner, swim meets are over and that means it's party season - as if that one has ever not been on for these people, eh? XD And a certain revelation is coming towards the end of the chapter that may mix the cards in the future a tiny little bit ([read] 'a lot' *hihi*)
> 
> Please enjoy your time reading :)

**~LAST WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

I haven’t seen Changkyun in 5 days. And I was hurt… hurt by not seeing him, hurt by him not even caring enough to text, hurt by myself for being so stubborn to not text him. And also just hurt by being hurt and also because he had a girlfriend and apparently we were not important to him anymore… or was it just me that stopped being important? That question was gnawing at my insides and was stabbing me like a thorn for the past couple of days. _It almost felt like it was difficult to breathe._

On Wednesday afternoon when I was hanging out at Hoseok’s helping him revise something for his Psychology class using the cue cards him and I wrote in pretty handwriting. We’ve been at it for 3 hours today, yesterday the card making took like 3 as well and at this point I felt like I knew it better than Hoseok, even though I understood less than a half of it. I just had it memorized.

The door to the room opened and Hyungwon followed by Jooheon and Changkyun walked in. Kyun stopped dead mid-step and looked at me cautiously. He slowly walked into the room like a dog with his tail between his legs.

“Hoseokie, I think that at this point I know it better than you. My suggestion is that you ought to study alone and let’s meet tomorrow, hm?” I suggested while starting to pack my stuff that was all over the floor, which was covered in papers, highlighter and pencils of all colors.

“All of a sudden? I was just getting better at this? C’mon , Han. One more hour, please,” Hoseok begged me. “Pretty please.”

I sighed and looked at him with his puppy eyes and it felt suffocating to leave him like this but the moment Changkyun walked into the room something started to weight my chest down like when your feet and hands are tied and you’re trying to swim, but instead you're just drowning. “Hoseokie... tomorrow, okay? I’m sorry.”

He noticed the sudden change in my mood. “Han, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired. Tomorrow we’ll finish it up so that on Friday the exam will go smoothly, okay?” I threw my bag over my shoulder as I stood up from the floor.

“Okay, but if there’s something wrong, talk to me, okay?” Hoseok grabs my hand and gives it a quick squeeze, to which I respond with the same.

I glance at the other 3 guys and smile at them. “See you guys all tomorrow at lunch?”

“Yeah, see you,” Jooheon says confused with a scrunched face.

“You alright though, right?” Hyungwon cleared with me to which I nod.

Changkyun stays silent.

As I was leaving, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a pillow flying in Changkyun’s direction along with a two-voice accuse: “What did you do?!”

Thursday sped through like Bolt, with a morning stretching instead of a de-load practice at the pool, with short classes and then my evening de-load practice and a 4 hour session with Hoseok until I was sure he really knew all the cue cards, which he thankfully did. From Wednesday to Thursday he improved so much and so our work on Thursday evening was long just because we went over everything 4 times, just to be sure.

Friday lunch was full of 6 people, who were done with their classes before the Christmas break and one sad Kihyun, who still had one last class in the afternoon.

“I wouldn’t want to be you, Ki,” Minhyuk said with a mock sympathy, while sipping his tea theatrically.

“Guys, Changkyun just texted me about the battle today, asking if all of us are coming?” Jooheon said looking at his phone first and then at me. Suddenly everyone was looking at me.

“And why are you all looking at _me_?” I asked the bunch.

“Because you and Changkyun had a fight and we don’t want you to feel like you either have to go and be uncomfortable or not go and be alone. We want you to go and be happy and-…,” Hoseok began, but was cut off by Minhyuk.

“I mean, ‘new phone, who dis’? That was pretty good! I laughed for the rest of the day when Changkyun told me.”

Jooheon chuckled at Min reminding him of the memory. “Yeah, pretty good…”

“Guys, I’ll go. Of course I’ll go,” I said, knowing I wanted to make up with Kyun because I missed him as a friend.

I knew it was going to be a difficult night for me, however I have agreed to go, so I had to go now. Pre-drinks at Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s were as merry as always and full of reminiscences from last year’s pre-Christmas party that didn’t involve as much drinking, but had more games and more personal times and memories among the members of the group.

Changkyun has not been present at pre-drinks, but that wasn’t a novelty these days, however it did make everyone a little down, you know, one member was missing - the group was not complete without the missing member.

We arrived at RapGround, greeted all the guards and bartenders as if we were family, most of them pretty happy to see me, since I had to skip the last 2 battles because of swimming, and of course all of them asked how I did, claiming Changkyun was boasting me off in front of them about how well I’m doing in the pool this season.

As always our corner was empty and waiting for us. Three battles were scheduled today before the finale of the night which was Changkyun’s battle against a rapper with a weird nickname I seemed to not be able to remember no matter how many times Joo and Won mentioned his it. Apparently it was a revenge match the other rapper asked for when Kyun beat him last time. I guess some people need to get their share twice.

When the first battle started Kyun joined us, alone. The conversation flew naturally and we felt like old times. The two of us even managed to smile at each other. But as soon as Minhee arrived something in my chest constricted and suddenly I needed to go take a breather.

Not that the guys haven’t been drunk enough already but I decided to go get a couple of drinks to the bar. “I’m going for another round, okay?”

Won nods at me with a knowing smile. Hoseok and Won have gone through a rough patch this past month, but now they look like it’s all good, even though today I have noticed some tension between them at the pre-drinks but that might have been caused by the alcohol the two drank.

I chatted with the bartender while he was preparing 8 tequila shots; not caring that we were 9 at the table, since I was lucky enough to find out Minhee hates tequila anyway. I arrived back at the table after quite some time, stretching my talk with the bartender without realizing the time. I noticed upon my arrival someone has already ordered shots in the meantime and there were 8 empty shot glasses on the table next to 1 full glass - apparently waiting there for me.

“You could have waited for me, you know,” I pout at the group.

“I wanted, but Won and Hoseok wanted to go dance or something before the next two battles and who knew when they come back,” Hyunwoo replied. Just now, I noticed the two were missing.

“Okay, well. Never mind then. We should do these without them then,” I started to pass everyone their shot glass.

I turned the corner to the bathroom before the pre-last battle ends so nothing bothers me during Kyun’s stage and I can fully enjoy it. When I get into the small hallway leading to the bathrooms I am met with two figures - one backed up against the wall, the other pressed onto the former holding the former’s face in his hands gently.

Hyungwon looks like he just cried but has a content and happy smile on his face. The emotion of that smile I could explain only in words like ‘full of love’, ‘hopeful’, ‘happy, yet with a hint of sadness’.

Hoseok also had a tear stained face but his expression was more of convincing, apologizing, regretful, loving and his eyes gleamed with appreciation for the most precious human in his life.

He pressed his forehead against Won’s and both closed their eyes, lost in the moment. The gesture was so loving my own heart clenched. And then my heart cried as Hoseok started speaking soft words to Hyungwon and both men’s tears returned to their cheeks as they fell silently from their eyes.

If in the future someone asks me if I had seen true love, I would point them back to this moment even though it wasn’t mine.

Then, out of nowhere a hand grabbed mine and I was dragged towards a corner that wasn’t as loud even though the bass was trembling the whole building. I look up at the owner of the hand only to see my best friend that was about to go on stage to battle for the last time in this year.

“Can we talk, please, Han?” he begins with pleading eyes.

“I think it’s about time,” I reply hopeful that we will make up.

“I’m really sorry for not showing up at the NCGP even though I had time. I should have checked the chat or text you or Hyunwoo at least once…”

“Well that would have been nice of you, you know,” I cross my arms in front of my chest in a protective manner. Seeing this, Kyun sighs and looks me in the eye while grabbing one of my hands.

“Han, you are an incredibly important person to me. I am sorry I am a terrible friend.”

“So am I… I am sorry I acted like a bitch,” I swallow the lump in my throat before speaking again. “I shouldn’t have behaved the way I did. You’re my friend and it was just a meet, I guess.”

“It was not just a meet. It was an important event for you and I didn’t show up. While this battle is important to me, you showed up even though you were angry with me. I really am sorry, but incredibly grateful you came today. Without you I would lose today,” he said all these things while holding my hand and out of nowhere the air was so much _fuller of oxygen_ and my lungs were filled like almost never before.

“And how are you so sure you won’t lose anyway?” I smirked at him. _Am I his lucky charm or what??_

“Because you’re here,” he smiled at me. “And if I lost to that guy you’d make fun of me for the rest of my life.”

“Oh yeah,” I scrunched my nose smiling at Kyun.

And Kyun was right. He won the battle and ran to us as quickly as possible. We celebrated until wee hours of the morning. This time Kyun and I dragged everyone else home. Hoseok and Won were with me again this time, but just the mention of their soft and warm bed where they could potentially get naked was enough for them to hurry back, so I guess they weren’t as drunk as we thought. The problem this time was Ki and Hyunwoo, who both drank together and both drank 'a little bit' more than they should have. Thank God we’re young and our livers work well! _For now..._

**~28TH DECEMBER - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

**~Private chat** between users _onehanna_ and _I.M~_

 **[I.M]** : hey han

 **[I.M]** : u busy?

 **[onehanna]** : nope

 **[onehanna]** : whats up?

 **[I.M]** : i set up a small studio in my room and was wondering if u wanted to hang out

 **[I.M]** : u give the best feedback out of everyone

 **[onehanna]** : even tho i sleep most of the time?

 **[I.M]** : yeah

 **[onehanna]** : ok

 **[onehanna]** : ill leave my place in a bit

 **[I.M]** : dont have to rush

 **[I.M]** : just sayin if u wanna come

 **[I.M]** : u r welcomed any time

 **[onehanna]** : k omw now

Coming to Kyun’s place felt so normal even though it was my first time in his room without the other members. During summer we hung out a Kyun’s a couple of times but preferred Hyungwon’s because of the garden offering a much better shelter in the scorching heat of the city then an apartment in an apartment building.

Kyun’s room now boasted a double monitor set-up and he also had a make-shift mic corner, the walls covered with paper egg containers.

He brought a chair for me from his dad’s study so I can sit at the computer with him rather than on the bean bag he had propped up in the corner, where I’ve seen him play games on his phone.

“Where are your parents?” I asked when I came and got the answer that his dad is in the lab and they’re about come out with some crazy breakthrough and his mom went to see his grandmother to the village.

“What do you think about this?” he played a piece of softer music, more sensual than what I’ve heard him play before.

“It’s different.”

“Different good or different bad?”

“I don’t really know yet. Is this personal? Or is it a school thing?”

“Personal. I just felt a random wave on inspiration for music like this.”

“I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m saying it’s so very unlike your style, but it can work. I mean, you have the voice to work something like this, but I don’t think it will suit your rap style, though.”

“It’s not supposed to be the style like I do for my battles. More like… do you remember the song Jooheon made in the summer when he felt super down about his crush?”

“You mean Minhyuk,” I add.

“Yeah,” he replies automatically and then halts. “Wait, how do you know?”

“Am I stupid?” I throw back the question with a quirked brow.

After a moment’s thought he replies: “Yeah, okay.”

“Anyway, song?”

“Oh, yeah. So he made that song and it was like a beautiful soft tune kind of rap. And somehow I felt like doing something like that. I can’t explain it,” he shrugs "I think I'm going to call this one 'Horizon'." And we get back to the music, where I do nothing and Kyun works.

**~JANUARY 1ST - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

**~Private chat** between users _failing fine arts_ and _walking chlorine~_

 **[failing fine arts]** : han

 **[failing fine arts]** : can u come over?

 **[walking chlorine]** : min we saw each other like 6 hrs ago

 **[walking chlorine]** : i barely slept off new year’s party

 **[failing fine arts]** : i dont think i slept for more than 2 hrs, but han

 **[failing fine arts]** : i did something very

 **[failing fine arts]** : very

 **[failing fine arts]** : VERY

 **[failing fine arts]** : VERY STUPID

 **[walking chlorine]** : okay, u have my attention now

 **[failing fine arts]** : come over pls

 **[walking chlorine]** : can i take a shower first?

 **[failing fine arts]** : yeah

 **[walking chlorine]** : ok, give me 30 before i leave my house ok

 **[failing fine arts]** : k

I arrive at Mihyuk’s an hour after the last text, rushing through the shower and a quick meal. My mom wasn’t very happy about me leaving the house after literally just waking up but I showed her the conversation between Min and me and suddenly she was almost kicking me out to leave as soon as possible. _You gotta love my mom, really._

“I slept with Jooheon,” Minhyuk deadpans he second the door to his room closes.

I am taken aback and only ask a quiet: “ _What?!_ ”

“I slept with Jooheon,” he repeat, his expression changes into sorrow and pain.

“Isn’t this a good thing?”

“NO!!” he shouts out of nowhere so loud I have to jump back and almost fall off his bed. “He has that crush of his and now I destroyed everything!” A loud sob comes out of his lips and he hangs his head down. “I ran out the moment I woke up. I couldn’t look at him. I’m such a stupid idiot.”

Seeing Minhyuk cry breaks my heart more than anything else.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not following. How are you a stupid idiot for sleeping with someone you like? It’s not like you, or him for the matter of this situation, are dating anyone. You guys are free to do what you like; you don’t have to attach strings,” I try to explain my point of view.

“You should’ve seen his face when I woke up and looked into his eyes. It was utter shock and I’m sure I’m not the one he wanted to spend the new year’s night with,” he kept crying.

_Should I tell him? Should I not tell him? Should I tell him? Should I not tell him...?_

“Look, Min… ummm…” I suddenly feel a difficulty breathing in a heavy weight is on my chest again, pulling my lungs underwater. I try to take a deep breath again but fail miserably, resulting in a dry cough that I have only felt once when the pool was full of too much chlorine. It was the kind of cough that keeps dragging the next one to come with it. The more you cough and try to calm down the itchier cough comes out stopping you from taking a deep breath in fear you’ll cough again.

When I finally calm down with the help of Minhyuk’s glass of water I get back to my explanation. “Ummm, Min, did you really have to run away? No, don’t answer yet. Let me speak. I know you’re more of doer rather than a talker, but wouldn’t it have been better if you two sat down and talked about it? Because from my point of view, you didn’t reach your satisfaction even though you slept with him, because you don’t only feel physical attraction to Joo; you want to date him, right? And have you considered that running out like that might not have been the best choice for any kind of possible relationship development? Because I’m sorry for saying that, but you might have fucked that up.”

Something in Min’s face changes and now it mirrors absolute despair. And I regret my brutal honesty once again in my life.

“I didn’t mean to say it like that, Min. I’m sorry,” I apologize softly.

“No, you’re right. Plus we’ve promised utmost honesty to each other years ago, so I appreciate you honouring our friendship’s vow. And as I said. You’re right. I fucked up. Again,” and he breaks into tears.

I move towards Minhyuk and hug him tight. We sit like this on his bed for what feels like hours, Min crying and me trying to console him, but failing grandly. In moments like these I wish I had the ability to help people out of crying like Hoseok does.

Late at night, Min cries himself to sleep and I just lie there on his bed hugging him trying to breathe calmly with a heavy weight and a coming up cough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well... Joohyuk slept together - what do you think how will it change their fate in the future? Kyun and Hanna made up, but Hanna is starting to get sick. She must be just going down with the flu, right? I certainly hope she gets well soon...
> 
> What are your thoughts about this chapter? :)
> 
> In the next chapter, an explanation of how a member got his eyebrow piercing comes up along with a change of hairstyle? Who could it be...? Kihyun finally makes an important revelation and out loud admits to what he's been hiding. Changkyun also realizes something important...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and will come back for the next one, which will be packed with stud you probably don't want to miss! <3 ^^ See you next time, take care and have a good rest of the day!! <3


	19. The Curse of Fours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there again! ^^ A very quick update - this one practically wrote itself! ^o^ 
> 
> Someone comes with a new style and discovers the mystery of his eyebrow piercing *wiggles one's eyebrows*

**~MID-JANUARY - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Mid January was probably the worst part of the year. At least for me.

After Christmas de-load, swimmers hop right back into hard core distance training with 9-10 practices a week, each evening practice preceded by an hour long dryland. All of this equals to a brutal battle of your will against your body and a painful realization that unless your will is strong enough you will never wake up in time for morning practice since you’re still tired from the day before.

On top of that it was nearly the end of the first semester and essays and exams were piling up, which meant that the precious time you would now spend sleeping after a rather merciless 2 hours in the pool, you now had to stay up and study. Hyunwoo and I resorted to going to the library to not fall asleep. Because if you did the guard would to wake you up, which worked just fine for us now anyway. Your own personal human alarm, not the most pleasant one but, hey, when and where are alarms pleasant, right?

What is more, the heavy weight on my chest and occasional cough has not subsided the least, only got worse. I coughed more often in bigger drier fits. The weirdest thing was they didn’t usually happen in the pool, I usually got them either when I visited Kyun or when the gang was hanging out. And therefore I always tried to stifle them as much as possible. I didn’t need Hyunwoo’s and Kihyun’s worried looks and words sending me to the doctor.

Due to current the time circumstances it was close to impossible for us to meet at lunch, but today we managed to get all the together - for the first time in 10 days. Well, almost all of us. We were missing Changkyun.

Out of nowhere he appears sitting next to Jooheon. BUT, he’s got a haircut.

“I KNEW IT! Yes!” I high five Changkyun with an excited exclamation.

“I gotta give it to you. You were right!” he smiles at me brightly.

“She was right about what, baby?” a jealous voice comes from behind him with a sickly (un)sweet smile that makes me want to puke, but rather I have difficulty breathing. So I kinda decide to focus on that.

Changkyun turns around at her and also gives everyone a full view of his now blond hair with an undercut that goes so well with him. I think he’s never looked better before. Shedding the dark hair in favor of the blond and going for a sharp undercut with a slightly wet styling was one of the best decisions we’ve made together, because let’s be honest here... we talked about it over Christmas multiple times when Kyun was considering a change to his image. I slightly pushed multiple times in that direction, saying that a brighter color would look great on his. _And I. WAS. RIGHT._

“About the hair. I talked about it to Hanna during Christmas a lot,” he explains to his annoying girlfriend.

“Also just like I was right about the eyebrow piercing,” I point out a newly discovered piece of information.

“What?” everyone looks at me surprised except Hyungwon.

“Yeah, when Hyungwon and I went to the tattoo studio of his friend so he can get his ear pierced, the guy showed me a picture of the three of us,” I point to Kyun, Hyungwon and myself. “I asked about it, saying I can’t remember anything from that night. He said he wasn’t surprised since we were _pretty_ drunk and yet somehow still communicated clearly, which was the part he could not understand for the hell of it. You, Kyun, wanted a piercing but didn’t know where and I’d been the one, who suggested the eyebrow saying you would look badass. And here you are looking badass with blond hair and an undercut,” I praise his good looks.”I was right again!”

“Thanks,” Changkyun says with a lifted eyebrow and upturned corners of his lips.

“ _Bitch_ ,” a sigh comes out of Hyungwon with a little head shake, “she was complimenting herself, not you,” he states matter-of-factly. I smile at him and high five him for understanding me so well. _Damn right!_

“So that’s what happened that night?” Hyunwoo asks curiously. “How did I twist my ankle, though?”

“You don’t wanna know,” Kihyun ‘coughs’ to cover his answer.

“You remember?” Minhyuk looks surprised at Kihyun, who had an evil knowing smile plastered on his face, trying really hard not to say anything.

“Well, yeah. I remember that. It was pretty early into the night,” Kihyun replies mysteriously.

“It couldn’t have been that early. I don’t remember that,” Changkyun claims.

“You don’t remember how I got to your room, so…” I remark. Minhee looked abashed at my statement.

“Well, you don’t either,” Kyun cuts me off and I laugh full heartedly which breaks into a full on dry cough that I’ve been stifling since the morning.

“You alright?” Hoseok pats me on the back as I’m trying to calm down.

“Yeah,” I reply breathless. “Just saliva went down the wrong way.”

The lunch break continues down the path of memory lane and the only person, who seems to not have fun, is Minhee. _But look at how we all give a damn!_

On Thursday night I drop my backpack by the door considering whether or not I need to pull out my swimsuit and if it’s going to be too gross and cold if I put on the wet one in the morning. I’m just so tired and beat I don’t think I have the energy to even bend down to pick out the food I’ve had there since morning.

But in the end the healthy part of my brain wins and I take out the towel and the swimsuit and hang them on the drying rack by the heater. I would hate myself in the morning if I didn’t take it out.

My phone rings and I see Ki’s name and funny reversed picture of him hanging head down and hair standing, face pushed into a weird shape. I sigh but smile at the memory from high school.

I pick up the phone and answer the call. “Yoo Kihyun, I’m hungry. Make it fast if you’re going to nag at me?”

“Han…” a sad voice comes from the other side. Suddenly my attitude changes and I get serious for my best friend. “I don’t want to drink alone,” he admits in a low broken voice and I instantly know that he’s been crying and that this is a plea for me to come to him. Kihyun is a very strong person, who would rarely ask directly for anyone to help him. So most of our 5+ years together I had to read between the lines. But for him, I would do anything.

“I’m on my way,” I promise in a serious voice standing up from my bed and rushing to the door to put on my shoes.

Just before we hang up on the call I hear Kihyun say three words in a very quiet voice laced with pain that make my heart ache. “Han… thank you.”

I arrive at Ki’s and Min’s and am met with a sight I have never thought I would be able to see. Kihyun is sitting down on the floor with his back to his bed, holding a half full bottle of cheap wine trying to pour it as stable as possible into a high-ball glass and the amount of concentration he needed for it was a tell tale sign that this was not his first bottle. I’ve never seen Ki like this.

I quickly walk over to him and take the bottle gently from his hand, stopping the stream when the glass is half full, his hand too shaky to hold the bottle properly anymore.

“Ki?,” I start softly, realizing he is very obviously in his most vulnerable state. If he’s ever done this, which I suppose he has from the tone he spoke in during our phone call, he’s always been alone through it. “What is going on?”

The first tear falls down his cheek unexpectedly and he takes a deep breath as if getting ready to speak, but he stays silent for a couple of minutes, just sipping the wine occasionally. I sit next to him in silence, when he finally leans his head on my shoulder and continues to cry silently.

“Thank you for coming,” he says almost inaudibly, voice filled with pain.

“I would never leave you,” I put my arm around his shoulders and pull him in tighter.

Another while passes before Kihyun takes another breath and speaks out again. “4 years, Hanna.”

And suddenly I know _exactly_ what he means.

“4 years I have hidden my feelings for him. Today it’s 4 years since I realized what I’d been feeling,” he sobs softly wipes his cheeks. Finishing he glass he reaches for the bottle again but almost tips it over. So instead I take it and pour the light colored alcoholic liquid into his glass. I know many may call me a bad friend for pouring but I feel like had I been in Ki’s position I would want him to do the same for me.

“And then, one night I finally muster up the courage to do something about it and he doesn’t even remember,” he snorts sarcastically.

_Ouch…_

I can’t bring myself to say that Hyunwoo actually does remember what happened. It’s not my story to tell. Now I feel like a bad friend.

“I didn’t tell you, did I? The day after Halloween when you came to me, _I lied_. I remember everything from that night. How could I forget the night when my dreams about him came true? How could I forget the feeling of his warm lips pressed against mine for the first time? How could I forget the intensity and urgency with which we kissed and touched in that hallway leading to the bathrooms? How could I forget the lustful look in his eyes which in that moment belonged only to me? No… I remember every single little thing.” The tears flow from Kihyun’s eyes as he looks into the distance clearly re-living his memories.

I sigh heavily, my heart panging with pain for my crying friend.

“When I came to him asking if he recalls what happened the night before and he told me no, what could I have done other than lie? He looked so weirded out when I came to him asking I was worried he remembers everything I rather lied than admit to what had happened between us and now… look at us now. We somehow talk more, but less.” Kihyun goes silent and I just sit there next to him, holding him as tight as possible, giving him time to talk it out, to get it off his chest, because he knows that if anyone is ever going to listen to him and not judge, it’s me. Or Minhyuk.

We sit together on the floor of his shared room with Minhyuk until wee hours in the morning. I keep holding Kihyun even after he stopped crying and just let him get lost in his thoughts, this moment being so precious. And as the idiots we are, after all the tears were cried out for tonight, we start talking about Minhyuk and the fact he didn’t arrive by the time Kihyun and I went to sleep on Kihyun’s bed. We laughed at all the possible hook-ups that Minhyuk could be going through right now. Minhyuk was the type of a person, who would not date unless he really loved someone, but he just loved being ‘active’.

<Changkyun POV>

Friday afternoons have always been a thing between him and Hanna in the studio working out the last minute beats for the upcoming battle, or just chilling before she had to go to dry-land at 4pm - they always had more or less 3+ hours to work on his music.

Changkyun got used to saying 'we', because Hanna was always a good critic with a mind that understood the feeling of what was being heard rather than the technicality of it and Changkyun always enjoyed her feedback whether it was positive or negative. He also more oftenly met with the latter, but he didn’t mind. It moved him forward and kept up his drive to keep getting better.

However ever since he started dating Minhee, Hanna stopped coming to his studio on Fridays after Minhee had kept him company in the first few weeks of their relationship. Now she hung out with her girl friends, which Changkyun had refused to attend even when she asked him nicely. He rather holed up in the studio a lot more and chatted to his friends online or when someone stumbled up at his booked studio. The guys from _loan store_ , where film, photography and music students rented equipment and booked editing suites and studios, already knew Changkyun so well that at some point they would book out the studio for him for the whole week and just let him keep the key card.

He realized later, he was trying to avoid Minhee.

He realized later, he missed Hanna’s company.

He realized later, the occasional fuck was not worth losing his friend(s).

Another battle at RapGround, another classic Friday night. This time Changkyun joined the pre-drinks hosted at Minhyuk and Kihyun’s. He was really looking forward to spending time with his friends again but something was in the air.

Minhyuk and Jooheon were very awkward with each other, avoiding each other but at the same time both looked like they wanted to talk to one another and had a lot to say.

Kihyun has been avoiding Hyunwoo for the past couple of weeks, but today Changkyun was getting the feeling it got even worse. _Did those two fight? Those two? Someone can fight with Hyunwoo? I mean, yeah, you can easily get into a fight with Kihyun… but Hyunwoo?_

Hanna looks like she lost weight and also refuses to drink tonight saying she’s not feeling all too well and will keep watch and bring the drunkies home. She takes the sober guard voluntarily, which didn’t happen often unless there was a meet to go to soon. _Or is something troubling her?_

Hyungwon and Hoseok are still the same. They drink, they have fun and they joke and they occasionally make out, but strangely they always somehow manage to do it so that it doesn’t look gross and no one wants to puke even when they see them out right making out on the couch. Not that you want to keep on watching but you just somehow don’t mind. Changkyun didn’t understand how that is possible since he always had some kind of an issue with over-the-line public display of affection.

Changkyun lost the battle. After a winning streak of 4; he lost again. This battle was not difficult and yet he lost. At some point he was distracted, just before going up he had seen Hanna in the back convulsing in a fit of cough that has been sorrowing her since around Christmas. He wondered whether she was okay and whether she had gone to see the doctor. Usually even if he had been distracted by something before the battle he could at least concentrate during, but tonight Minhee was down underneath the stage as always showing her friends, who her boyfriend was when a realization hit Changkyun - he really wanted he to stop doing that.

Tonight, circumstances around him got the best of him. He lost.

“No worries, babe. You were still amazing as always,” Minhee smiled at Changkyun and went back to his instagram post about the importance of losing and how it helps you to move forwards, so that her followers can get better at what they’re doing. Changkyun was started to get annoyed with instagram and followers and hashtags and stories and post and captions and emojis and picture and everything about it. Just everything.

Minhyuk brings drinks and everyone just keeps the night on going.

“Once you win and once you lose,” Jooheon tells him but Changkyun has the feeling that the sentence was not about him.

“Yeah, wanna share what else is sailing through your mind now?” Changkyun probes at his best friend.

“Gah,” he sighs and Changkyun gets the chance to smell the alcohol from Jooheon’s breath. He scrunches his nose but decides to listen to whatever comes out of the already successful music producer. “Just that… I won once and since then I keep losing, hoping one day my day will come again.”

“Why don’t you fight, rather than hope?”

“Because, my dear, dear friend, this is not something you can fight. You just have to let the current take you and hope there’s going to be a rock along the way that you can grab onto.”

In a certain sense Changkyun knew Jooheon was right. Minhyuk was a wild current and a silent river in the same person and fighting water wasn’t something Jooheon was good at in the first place. Changkyun desperately wanted to help his best friend but apparently he couldn’t even help himself now that he felt like he wanted out of the relationship he was in.

“But you know what’s even a worse situation than mine?” Jooheon asks the blond rapper in a drunken tone and a slightly slurred voice. Changkyun shrugs and waits for Jooheon’s response. “Yours.”

“Mine?”

“Yep, yours.”

“And what is my situation? Why is it shittier than yours?” Changkyun questioned him amused.

“You’re stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in anymore because you _occasionally_ get laid, when you’re in a position where you could get _any girl_ at _any given time_ , had you wanted, no strings attached and pursue someone that you actually like, if that’s what you’re after. But _NOOOO_ , you get yourself in a relationship with a leech, who uses you to boost her social media in return for sporadic fuck. Now, that’s what I call a _shitty situation_ , my dear best friend,” and with that Jooheon leaves Changkyun to go bother someone else.

And now Changkyun is not amused anymore.

_If tonight could get any better it would be an awards show…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whose heart is as broken as mine by the situation Ki is in right now? What do you think about Changkyun's realization - what will happen to his relationship with Minhee? Opinions on Jooheon's drunk truths? It's the drunk that always speak their minds, right... how right was he though?
> 
> A lot of loose ends in this chapter, but some one them might be dealt with in the next one. Next time Hanna's most hated holiday comes around and even though there are people, who enjoy Valentine's Day someone's dirty secret will get revealed and Hanna gets an earful from her coach. Definitely come back to find out how the whole situation develops. 
> 
> I don’t want to be that person but… Alligator era Changkyun with a blond undercut swept back was superior (fight me on this! - actually, please don't I'm a terrible fighter *haha*), just the way it made his face look so sharp *deep dreamy sigh* 😍 I really didn’t want to be that person... but oh well
> 
> Thank you so so much or reading and hope to see you again next time! 🤞 Remember to take care and stay healthy and safe!


	20. Valentine's Shitshow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And chapter 20 is here, welcome - I'm happy you sticked around for so long ^^ It is the holiday Hanna hates the most - Valentine's. The story is starting to spin on full speed, but we aren't near the end of it yet...
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading the new chapter! <3

**~SATURDAY, EARLY FEBRUARY - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

I wake up in the middle of the night again with a life seizing cough. I cannot take even a shallow breath without it being followed by a disgusting dry cough that doesn’t go away no matter what I do. It’s been a couple of restless nights this month already and the fact that I’m supposed to get up for Saturday morning practice in 3 hours doesn’t ease my mind either.

This weird over dragged flu has been with me since before Christmas when it started by weighing my lungs down and then I started coughing from a time to time, but right now. I would wake up to cough almost every night and sometimes multiple times a night.

At first I thought it was the heightened amount of chlorine in the pool water, which happens sometimes, but Hyunwoo and the other team members haven’t been coughing, just me.

I started to consider going to see a doctor but at the same time I was scared what they would tell me, because right now I really didn’t have the time to sit around on sick leave from swimming, since this year I have re-discovered my love for the sport, again finding the comfort I missed in it last year. I couldn’t afford missing practices now that I was preparing for the first open-water meet that the school has signed us up for. I have swum in open water before but never as a meet. It was just some kind of a practice or when Hyunwoo, Kihyun, Minhyuk and I went swimming in the sea during our trip in the summer after high school. So, you could see why I was excited to go swim a 5k race that could take up to an hour for some people.

I must have fallen asleep after my coughing has subsided because the blaring alarm from my phone wakes me up rather ruthlessly. When I check it I realize it is a postponed one. I haven’t swiped my phone, so I guess I slept through the first one. I take a tentative deep breath and when a cough doesn’t come, I sigh heavily and get up from the bed. _Today is going to be such a shitshow._

And I was right. The morning practice was a freaking disaster I was not focused and when the coach separated the lanes into 2 after the warm up 1.5k, I had to pass from my lane leading position to a separate lane because I was so not feeling well. The 3 sleepless nights I have had this past week finally dawned on me and my body just somehow broke down. I was not thinking clearly and swam the wrong style more than once, I couldn’t properly count the laps and had difficulty focusing on times and intervals the coach set up.

Midway through the practice she calls me out of the pool, while the team was swimming a longer distance set that didn’t require her full attention.

“Hanna, what’s wrong? You look very bad,” she hits it off.

“Coach, I’m sorry,” I say in a low voice.

“Don’t be sorry. Rather, tell me what is going on. Maybe I’ll be able to help you,” she looks at me compassionately and I can tell from the way she is talking to me that she has my best interest in mind right now.

I sigh and try to gather my thoughts. “I… I don’t know, really. I can’t sleep properly. I toss and turn even though I’m dead tired and I have difficulty breathing, which also doesn’t help me fall asleep.”

“So there’s something on your mind, but you might also be sick. Let’s deal with the latter first. Have you gone to the doctor?”

“No. To be honest… I’m scared, coach” I admit quietly.

“What would you be scared of?” she questions my ridiculous thought.

“Well, I’m really looking forward to the open water meet and want to do good there, so I can’t really afford taking a sick leave.”

“It’s okay to be sick, you know. You out of all people should know that. Aren’t you a Sports Medicine student?” she asks rhetorically and I nod in confirmation. “Then you should be the one, who goes to the doctor first when something is wrong. Plus, as I bet my years of coaching, you very well also know the fact that your body is tired and is underperforming under high pressure, which can lead to an over-exercise injury. Do you want that?”

“No, coach.”

“Well, then. Pack up and I don’t want to see you here for the whole of next week, do you hear me?”

“But…”

“Not buts, seriously. What am I going to do with a sick swimmer, tell me,” she dares me to oppose her again.

“Okay,” I hang my head but understand what she is saying, but still I don’t stand up.

“And since you’re not leaving, even though I just sent you home to sleep off whatever is troubling your body; care to share what is troubling your mind?” she moves in closer to look at me questioningly.

“I don’t really know, I guess. There is nothing really unusual happening in my life, so I don’t get why I can’t sleep. My mind doesn’t really race around when I lie in bed. No thoughts or counting sheep. Nothing,” I shrug clueless.

“Okay, well I guess you have a week of calmness to figure it out then,” she pats me on the shoulder and moves back behind the blocks over the lanes to overlook the long distance set that I am currently missing, which sucks.

I wish I was with them in the water, but I suddenly feel the now familiar pressure on my lungs. A cough will come if I take a deep breath. So I just walk behind the lane I was swimming in not too long ago and grab my mesh bag to pack my stuff.

I say goodbye to the coach and head for the showers, wave to the confused Hyunwoo as I walk out.

Saturday afternoon the gang, minus Kyun’s girlfriend, agreed to meet up at Hoseok and Hyungwon’s room with Kihyun and Minhyuk bringing food. We just wanted to enjoy a linner and movie together. Just a regular chilled out afternoon. Hyunwoo and I were on snacks duty, while this week Changkyun was in the always unwanted position of the movie picker. It was the least grateful job of all, when it came to their movie days. Jooheon pulled the lucky straw and he could just come.

The movie picker had to communicate and apprehend the desires and dislikes of everyone and so picking the movie sometimes took a long ass time. Once Hyungwon was going back and forth for 2 weeks. You cannot satisfy everyone when you’re in this position.

Hyunwoo arrived first and as soon as I crossed the threshold, he started investigating. “Why did you leave early today?

“I’m not feeling too well,” I admit but decide not to take it further as the door opens again and the rest of the gang appears in the room. It’s good to be 8 again. I was saved by the bell, when Minhyuk came in running to me and flopped himself on the floor next to me. “Ooookaaaay… and what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Maaaaaannnn, last night was crazy and just wanted to tell you that,” he has a smirk plastered on his face. Single girls _and guys_ pre-Valentine’s Day will do anything just to get laid. I’m not even kidding.” Minhyuk looks stupidly happy about his yet another one night stand or whatever he calls them these days.

I sigh heavily and my head turn to Jooheon. The pain in his eyes is so thick you could cut it and he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth just to stop himself from saying anything. “Have you ever thought that there might be people, who don’t really want to hear about your sexual adventures?”

“I agree with Hanna on that,” Changkyun tells him from his spot next to the TV, where he’s trying to plug in his laptop to play the movie he picked. No one knows what it is yet.

“That’s stupid. I always want to hear about your nights out,” Minhyuk argues and I instantly recognize the state he is in right now. _Oh shit. This is not going to end up well._

“Well, that’s you and this is us,” Jooheon states indifferently, but Kyun and I know better than anyone that he is anything but.

Minhyuk breathes in shortly and before I get to say anything the dam breaks. “Well, if I were you I would shut the fuck up! I haven’t heard you complaining the other night, or the one after that and not to mention the one last week! You were pretty fucking blissed out to even speak a fucking word, so don’t _you_ dare say anything to _me_!”

“Maybe I would have said something have you only stayed for 5 fucking minutes after we fucked, but I never fucking got the chance, did I?!” Jooheon raises his voice to a shout with the decibels matching Minhyuk’s. “You always disappear and don’t even say ‘see you’! So you know what?! Next time one of your regular booty calls doesn’t answer, don’t fucking come to me!”

“Oh, so you th-…”

Jooheon cuts him off. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I think! I am your friend, you piece of shit, not your one night stand calls that doesn’t deserve a fucking 'bye' after you put your clothes on, you know. _SO_ , _excuse me_ if I think I’m more special than your other occasional fucks, but I’m not really sorry about that!” And with that Jooheon walks out of the room. He doesn’t storm out or walk terribly slow as if to wait for Mihyuk to say something more. No, he just casually walks out, leaving all of us speechless.

“I hate to be that person, but… Minhyuk get your head out of your ass,” Changkyun starts off at him rather offensively.

And at that point the hell breaks loose because I can’t possibly stay fucking silent when someone (and yes, even Kyun) starts to attack my best friend, especially since I know the background of both Minhyuk and Jooheon. I didn’t know that the night between Min and Joo had a reoccurring character. But if I dare to say that I know my bestie, then Min has gone in for seconds and thirds because he likes Joo, but doesn’t want to fuck up his crush, which is himself and he doesn’t know.

It’s a mess, this situation, but there was no fucking way I was going to let this slide. “ _Im Changkyun_ , don’t you talk to Min like that. If there is anyone that needs to get his head out of his ass it’s you and you very well fucking know it!”

“ _What?!_ Wanna say that again?” Kyun rages at me now.

“She’s not exactly wrong, Kyun,” Hyunwoo steps in to protect me and Kihyun also comes closer to me, ready to fight with whomever gets too close to hurting me.

“And what the hell does that even mean?” Kyun turns to them.

“You’re as blind as a mule when it comes to your stupid ass bitch of a girlfriend,” I remind him mercilessly. And I feel my lungs are starting to convulse and I swallow a painful cough that started to come up.

“Oh my God, can you stop going around throwing profanity like that?” he accuses me.

“Do I look like I spew profanities? _NO!_ I _enunciate_ them like a _fucking_ lady,” I shot back at him with the last of my breath before breaking into a coughing fit.

The gang, except Kihyun, looks at me like they have never seen me before. I have never burst into this kind of a mood in front of them. And even Kihyun has only seen it once before when I was protecting Min when he was unjustly accused of stealing a classmate’s project when it was the other way around back in high school. But even then, Ki is still taken aback that I can fight another best friend like this. I do it on instinct, had the positions been different I would still have protected the attacked friend.

At that moment, I decide it’s my turn to walk out. So I grab my jacket from the chair and walk to the door. When I open them I hear Changkyun’s voice behind me: “You know, your ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth, Hanna!”

I look at him indifferently and just close the door behind me, trying hard not to start coughing, but as soon as the lock clicks I break into a fit and barely catch my breath even a minute later, this one being one of the worst ones so far.

As I walk down the hallway away from Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s room I dial Jooheon’s number.

<Changkyun POV>

 _What the fucking hell just happened?!_ Changkyun thought to himself. He has never seen Hanna so aggressive; passive aggressive - yes, this aggressive - no. _What has gotten into her?_

“Kyun,” Kihyun starts in a calm but strong and fierce voice. “Don’t get her wrong. This was not about you. She was protecting Minhyuk. As I said this has nothing to do with Jooheon _or_ you. This was about protecting Minhyuk. She just does that.”

“I don’t need protection from her. I’ve said that then and I say it now again,” Minhyuk huffed and Kihyun shot him a piercing look at which Min shied away, realizing it’s not his time to argue with Kihyun right now.

“And I don’t need to hear her bullshit; I have other problems in life. I don’t need that kind of negativity,” Changkyun spits back at Kihyun not giving a damn about his explanations of Hanna’s actions. “And neither does Jooheon.”

“She would never step in if you didn’t. This was between Min and Heoney but since you stepped in, she did too. Do you get it now or do you need any further explanation? Also, I’m not saying it’s anybody’s fault but honestly, she just said what we’re all thinking,” Kihyun closed the topic and Changkyun looked around his friends. All of them had the same expression on their faces. All of them admitting that what Ki just said was the truth; but no one really wanted to add anything else to it other than a nod.

Is no one going to fight for him?

Changkyun scoffs at the situation and also grabs his bag and goes to the door to leave.

_What a shitshow._

As soon as the door closes Changkyun picks up his phone to call Jooheon.

<Back to Hanna POV>

I found Jooheon with tear stricken face in his room right after I left Hyungwon’s and Hoseok’s. I came right in without knocking

“Listen, Heoney,” I came to sit next to him on his bed. “I know what Minhyuk said was the one of the worst possible things he could’ve said at that time, but I also know he didn’t mean them. And I know Min, too. He would never dare to lose a friend like you. Just like all of us, Min has issues of the past that formed him into who is now. I also know that some days he is an unbearable brat and he can act like the least sensitive asshole in the world.”

“I know,” he sighs. “I’m not really mad at him. I think I’m more mad at myself for so stupidly acting up. I shouldn’t have said anything. Now everyone knows we slept together and that something is going on.”

“Heoney… listen to me, okay? I know you think I’m here to protect Minhyuk, but I agree with you that he is very insensitive at times, but I’m here more because I want you to know that you are the purest soul I know and the most precious being and I know this is going to sound like the most stupid thing I’ve ever said but if your crush or your love for Min is toxic to you, I think it’s time to reconsider your own value and whether or not you want to continue enduring this.”

He nods his head a couple of times showing me that he understands what I just said.

The door opens again and Kyun walks in. “What are you doing here?” he asks me harshly.

“Why are you being so mean to her?” Jooheon asks confused.

“After you left, we had an argument,” I reply in a soft calm voice. I don’t want to fight anymore. “Look, Kyun. I was just protecting Min. It was not about you or Joo,” I struggle to stifle a cough mid sentence. “I don’t want to fight. I’m sorry for what I’ve said about Minhee. It was a real bitchy thing to say. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold back my tongue again.”

Kyun sighs heavily and looks me straight into the eye and for a second I feel like he can stare deep into my soul and see everything I’m thinking and feeling. But that’s not humanly possible, so…

“Yeah, I get it. You don’t have to like her and to be quite fair to you; she didn’t do anything for you to like her, so… And yeah, there are days when I should get my head out of my own ass. But sometimes it’s just very comfy in there,” he adds the last part with a confident smirk and I smile back at him, shaking my head ever so slightly.

**~VALENTINE’S DAY - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Just like last year Hoseok and Won called in the gang for lunch, but I was promised to be left out of the stupid festivities. This year my opinion about the ‘holiday’ was shared by Jooheon and Kihyun, so I was thankful for some back up.

“I do have to give the quits to Valentine’s Day for one thing though,” Won starts talking as soon as him and Hoseok sit down at the table already occupied by all the other members plus Minhee. “The sex.”

“Literally,” Hoseok joins in matter of factly.

I roll my eyes, Kihyun scoffs and Hyunwoo chokes on his food.

“Like some days I wonder who taught Won to give such a good head, since we were each other’s firsts,” Hoseok shrugs and now even Minhyuk, who usually wants to hear about this kind of stuff, not even him bats an eye on this, rather he rolls his eyes too. Jooheon and Minhyuk still haven’t talked it out. It’s been almost 2 weeks and the two still don’t really talk to each other, unless it’s part of teasing of one of us. But that’s not really talking to each other.

“I agree. It was so good,” Minhee says out loud with dreamy eyes and giggles. Changkyun smirks at this and takes a sip from his water to cover for it.

 _Finally._ I’ve been waiting for this moment for a while now!!!

“But it must have been shorter than 3 minutes, right?” I ask Minhee directly, not shying away from anything. _Hold it it, Hanna. Almost there…_

“What do you mean?” she asks super confused and look back and forth between Kyun and me.

“Because this guy,” I point to Kyun, “gets cramps into his tongue after 3 minutes.”

“And how would you know about that?” Kyun asks me appalled, eyes wide mouth left agape.

“Well… I mean…you guys do have a chat without me,” I say innocently and smile evilly.

Changkyun break into a shout: “ _KIHYUUUUUUUN!!!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Hanna's cough is getting worse and people are starting to notice... and there was another argument between Min and Joo, dragging in Hanna and Changkyun. Wow, those two argue a lot these days, don't they?  
> What are your thoughts on this chapter? Please share them with me... <3 <3 Also what do you think about the reveal Hanna made about Kyun at the end?? :D 
> 
> *intriguing voice* Next time on Petals of Love (jk): Kihyun pushes Hanna to finally go to the doctor + Jooheon and Minhyuk talk some shit out. Stuff happens...
> 
> I'm always happy to know someone is reading this, so I just want to wish you, where ever you are in the world, to have a nice day. See you next time!! ^^ <3


	21. Diets and Addictions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful Sunday to you all! ^^
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!

**~THURSDAY, BEGINNING OF MARCH - 2ND YEAR AT UNI~**

The classes are yet again coming to the point when the professors are trying to cram the study load twice as hard into the 2+hour long lectures and every time I come out of a lecture hall I feel more tired than on Monday morning before practice, which I haven’t gone to in about 2 weeks now. The cough is getting more and more unbearable and the coach is blackmailing me with forbidding me to go to practice entirely unless I go see a doctor. The only thing that is still working on her is my leverage that I am the only women’s long distance swimmer in our team and she also needs me to build the relays. But due to her pressure, I have not gone to morning practice in 2 weeks. Well, I have gone… and even sneaked into the pool once, but she spotted me in the first 100 and sent me to showers. I realize most swimmers would be happy to have their coach forbid them going to morning practices because trust me, _they’re a form of hell_ , however I felt like when I was swimming my mind didn’t wander off to stupid stuff and I actually coughed less compared to just lying in my bed. Hyunwoo is also very worried about me and has come to convince me to go to the doctor multiple times. Not like I ever listened to him in these matters anyway.

I meet Kihyun in the cafeteria for lunch, the others having some things to do, so it’s just us today. These days it happens more and more often.

Hoseok has so much stuff to study that he barely ever left the library. You know it’s bad, when Won starts complaining that his usually very _‘always there’_ boyfriend is not there and he only sees him when he comes back from the library to go to sleep and leaves really early in the morning. Won said yesterday that for the past 2 days he’s set his alarm for 6:30am to at least catch his boyfriend leaving for diving practice. It was so obvious how Won missed Hoseok’s presence in his life that I cannot imagine what would happen I they truly have broken up those couple of months ago. Well, I think I know… they would get back together very fast.

Changkyun says he is in the studio a lot these days. He’s lost 3 battles in a row, which is a first for him and it’s kind of getting to him. He works really hard to get back on top and with the upcoming battle this Friday night, he says he really needs to get down to business and create something memorable. Anyone could clearly see he wasn’t in stage to do much else than focus on winning the next one.

Hyunwoo had group project work so he was also in the library, but he sure was complaining about the group he’s gotten himself into. Being the just and hardworking person he is, he hates the kind of people who just ride along. And he had some like that in the group right now, so the remaining bunch had to work twice as much if they wanted to get a good grade.

And Minhyuk… Minhyuk is a difficult case. Last night he cried when he called me about what a stupid idiot he is for not talking to Joo yet and how much he wants them to make up, but he cannot muster up the courage to text him or call him, worried that Jooheon would tell him to go fuck himself, which might very realistically happen but then again, knowing Heoney… he would never do that. He is sick of this situation as well.

Finally, Jooheon was avoiding places and times where him and Min might have the chance to not be among the full group.

“Has your cough gotten any better? Or do you still wake up at night?” Kihyun asks me out of nowhere.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah what? Yeah it got better or yeah I still wake up?” Kihyun looks at me irritated.

“Yeah, I still wake up,” I admit in a low voice. It’s difficult to admit this in front of Kihyun since he is such a mom most of the time.

“Han,” he reaches over and hands me his coffee. “You should really go see a doctor. You mentioned even your coach has been sending you to see one for a couple of weeks now. Just go see the doctor, please. Don’t be stubborn. They’re not going to tell you it’s something bad unless you keep dragging it out, then it might become really bad.”

“I know. But really it’s just an over dragged flu,” I try to convince him but to no avail.

“An over dragged flu? Like that? No, it’s much closer to pneumonia now, seriously. Please go to the doctor before I call Hyunwoo to actually drag you there by the collar,” Kihyun threatens me.

“Okay, I’ll make time to go,” I say to calm him down but my intentions are different, however Kihyun seems to believe me and that is enough for me.

**~SATURDAY, BEGINNING OF MARCH - 2ND YEAR AT UNI~**

<Minhyuk POV>

Minhyuk knew that if he ever wanted to speak to Jooheon again, he needed to apologize for what has happened, even though he didn’t truly understand what he should apologize for? They never promised each other anything. Minhyuk would be lying if he said he didn’t want to promise. He did. But Jooheon had his crush and Minhyuk wanted to respect it.

He realized that the first time they slept together it already was a mistake. And now after a couple of times it was a mistake he kept wanting to repeat, which he felt was wrong. There were nights when he couldn’t fall asleep because his mind would keep wandering off to the nights he spent in Jooheon’s room. And those nights it was so difficult not to pick up the phone and call him. The only thing that stopped him was Kihyun sleeping on the other side of the room.

Right now Minhyuk thought it really sucked being him. And since he wanted to keep Jooheon in his life as a friend, he realized he would need to make the first step.

**~Private chat** between users _cute min_ and _honey~_

 **[cute min]** : hi Joo

 **[cute min]** : i know im the last person u ever want to hear from again

 **[cute min]** : but

 **[cute min]** : pls hear me out

 **[cute min]** : or read it out

 **[cute min]** : or whtevr

 **[cute min]** : just wanted to ask you for coffee so maybe i could get a chance to explain

 **[cute min]** : ofc u can say no

 **[cute min]** : ill understand

 **[cute min]** : just dont want to lose a friend like u

 **[cute min]** : u r a very important friend to me

 **[cute min]** : pls lets make up

 **[cute min]** : :(

But there was silence on the other side still, even though the chat has shown Jooheon has read all the messages. Minhyuk sighed heavily and fell backwards on his bed. His eyes started to tear up but he quickly wiped them thinking about what Hanna would tell him in a situation like this. Something along the lines of ‘ _well, you fucked up on your own, so either stop crying and man up; or stop crying and be proud of what you’ve done_ ’.

When Hanna’s voice popped into Minhyuk’s mind it was sarcastic. She never meant these things to come out as anything other than harmless jokes and mockery, she knew that it was the most effective way to get Minhyuk back on his feet and he loved her for it.

**~Private chat** between users _cute min_ and _honey~_

 **[honey]** : yea ok

 **[cute min]** : for real?

 **[cute min]** : u’ll meet me?????

 **[cute min]** : pls say u r not joking

 **[cute min]** : pls pls pls

 **[honey]** : if u stop spamming me w msgs

 **[cute min]** : ok

 **[cute min]** : ill stop

 **[cute min]** : just pls know that im rly happy u agreed

 **[cute min]** : oh

 **[cute min]** : im doing it again

 **[cute min]** : ok

 **[cute min]** : i’ll stop now

 **[honey]** : come to the café below lib 6pm

 **[cute min]** : ok :)

 **[cute min]** : thx

Minhyuk was smiling like crazy when Jooheon texted him back and even agreed to meet to make up.

“Shit,” Minhyuk called out of a sudden, startling even Kihyun, who was sitting at his desk reading a book with his headphones on. “I've got 15 minutes!” He jumped off of his bed and picked up a T-shirt from the floor, which he has deposited there last night before going to sleep. A habit that Kihyun would never until his last day.

For a couple of moment Minhyuk ran around like a headless chicken searching for something before Kihyun finally took pity on his friend a slowly taking one headphone off he asked Minhyuk: “What are you looking for?”

“My wallet and key. And my phone. I just had it in my hand, man,” Minhyuk grabbed a full fist of his own hair in frustration. “I need to leave like 5 minutes ago.”

“Phone’s on the pillow right there and wallet and keys on the floor by the door,” Kihun answered lazily, shaking his head slightly.

“Oh, Ki. Thanks. You’re a life saver,” he jumped after the belongings he was looking for and he was gone as if he teleported.

Just before the door closed he heard Kihyun sigh and say slowly: “I know.”

<Jooheon POV>

_5:59PM._

Minhyuk made it, but he looked rather distressed and also wore the same shirt he had yesterday. Jooheon didn’t think he could make it, because he read in the group chat Minhyuk was in his room all day, lazing his Saturday away.

But as Minhyuk ran through the door of the library café looking like he did and panting heavily, Jooheon realized that just the fact alone already made him forgive Minhyuk everything. He never held grudges against him, just like he had told Hanna and Changkyun, but he couldn’t really let go of the reins he currently had over Minhyuk so easily. Or could he?

“Hey,” Minhyuk greets him panting quite heavily. He sits down onto the chair opposite Jooheon lacking any kind of grace he usually has in his movements.

“You’re on time,” Jooheon states plainly.

“I tried to be.”

Jooheon only nods. “So you wanted to apologize?”

“Ummm, not really apologize, because I’m not sure there is something I need to apologize for…” Minhyuk started off wearily.

“’Kay, bye,” Jooheon starts to stand up. Minhyuk catches his hand over the table.

“I just was to explain something. Please, please hear me out.”

Jooheon nods again and sits down slowly.

“So,” Mihyuk begins. “I know I talk about my private adventure life a lot and you seem to be rather touchy about that and I’m sorry for over-sharing. Okay, well, I guess there is an apology in there somewhere. It’s kind of who I am and maybe I shouldn’t have gone all out to yell about the two of us since we agreed to keep it secret from the others, ‘cause it was strictly for fun, but I think they would have eventually found out, so all in all ,I think it’s a good thing this is off our chests,” Minhyuk says all of this in one swift breath, but looks everywhere but at Jooheon, he plays with the phone in his hands, the napkin randomly placed on the table is now crumpled. All signs that Jooheon recognizes as signs of Minhyuk hiding something. “So yeah. I think that we should stop doing it all together and just keep being friends, even though those nights… let me tell you, Joo… whoo, they definitely were something. But you have that crush of yours, don’t you?”

The last question hits Jooheon right in the feels. His chest panged with pain and he wanted to confess then and there but something stopped yet again. Minhyuk’s ever moving nervous hands and the swing of one of his legs under the table… just something. Something didn’t feel like this was the right moment.

“Yeah. I do…” Jooheon says slowly first but then his voice picks up the pace and strength. “So let’s just be friends for now, maybe?”

Mihyuk smiles but something that Jooheon cannot quite grasp doesn’t reach his eyes when he smiles, making the smile more secretive, hiding something. Jooheon’s only wish was to find out what Minhyuk was hiding and then maybe, maybe he would finally gather the courage to confess his feelings to his friend.

Jooheon’s brain was so confused with his heart right now. His heart was screaming to confess to Minhyuk, but his brain kept stopping his mouth from letting the words come out.

<Back to Hanna POV>

**~2AM SATURDAY, EARLY MARCH - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

“Heoneeeeeyyyyy,” I cry out in desperation at the man, who is throwing up yet again in the alleyway just two blocks away from RapGround. “Fuuuuuck!!”

Changkyun won the battle, breaking his losing streak after what had seemed like eternity for him and the celebration was crazy. Crazy… was an understatement. Hyunwoo and I took half-sober watch this week due to practice and my lung situation that was just not getting better. No, I still haven’t gone to the doctor, but since I was getting pretty annoyed by it myself I was planning to book an appointment in the upcoming weeks, the question remaining 'when', since the study week was approaching and I had to cram second level Sports Medicine.

I wish I could say that Kyun was able to walk on his own, but uh… _nope_. The biggest problem that I could see, was that it was Hyunwoo and me that put him around the neck of not-too-drunk Kihyun to walk him back to the dorms after that bitch of a ‘girlfriend’ disappeared into thin air. I would do anything for Kyun to be safe and sound in the dorms, so I didn’t give a single damn whether she left him with us or not. But then again, I would do that for anyone of the gang. It jut pissed me off that she calls herself his girlfriend and doesn’t even give a fuck where her boyfriend ends up when this drunk. _I don’t know, I would give a big fuck had Kyun been my boyfriend._ Had anybody been my boyfriend.

Another retching sound comes from my right and I groan in annoyance. “You don’t have anything in your stomach anymore. What are you even retching?”

Jooheon grunts in pain and I take pity on his bent over body and start to rub his back up and down in a soothing motion. Then I hear a sob from my friend and I take a closer look at his face. He’s not pushed to throw up from the alcohol anymore. It’s the crying that’s trembling his body and that hits me on another level. “Joo? What is it?” I ask softly.

“I am such a coward, Han. I had my chance and I fucking missed it. I literally chickened out when I had the best chance to confess,” another sob tremors through his body and I sigh sadly at the declaration.

“Heoney, it’s not easy to confess to loving someone. If it was only a crush it wouldn’t hurt this bad and you know it. This means you love him, but you know that, don’t you?”

“More or less.” And then he throws up his stomach acids.

“Oh my God,” I turn my head away and feel my stomach roll as well. “Minhyuk, I will crush you for leaving with that son of a…ugh.” I curse my best friend for exiting RapGround just 15 minutes earlier with some unknown random guy that apparently became tonight’s one night stand. _God dammit._ “Okay, Joo, let’s get you back to the dorms, okay? Can you last out for 3 minutes while I go find out how Hyunwoo is doing with Hoseok and Won?”

**~7PM SATURDAY, EARLY MARCH - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Honestly… a restaurant was the last place I wanted to be at right now. Just like the other 7 members of the gang. But Changkyun being the boyfriend he is forced all of us to come out of Hoseok’s and Won’s apartment where we have been chilling since lunch. I slept there, watching over Hoseok, who was violently sick and Hyungwon was dead asleep when Hyunwoo brought them home, but since Hyunwoo went to morning practice (I was forbidden to go, due to my stupid cough) I stayed to make sure if Hoseok throws up again he will at the very least not choke on it if he’s sleeping on his back. It was a rather sleepless night. I don’t know what made these two drink so much, they usually don’t pass the very touchy stage these days. So I was a little curious what has happened between them.

Nevertheless, as I mentioned, I wasn’t the only person, who looked ‘under the weather’ at the ‘celebratory dinner’ that Minhee has arranged to celebrate Kyun’s victory. Not only it was stupid to go celebrate it like this, it was also completely unnecessary. I think all 8 of us were actually looking forward to sipping Kihyun’s strong chicken broth from the XL mugs (that he got everyone at the beginning of the year solely for this purpose), while watching some random TV show on Netflix.

“Oh guys, I’m so happy we’re here together celebrating Kyunnie’s victory together again,” Minhee practically sings with something that I could describe only as fakeness.

“Can you stop talking?” Minhyuk groans breathless in a low voice, his forehead supported by his hand. From the look on his face, my guess it that his head is throbbing and the last thing he wants it to listen to her sickly sweet voice.

“I didn’t know you were that drunk last night,” Hyunwoo leans to Minhyuk.

“C’mon. I couldn’t even get it up last night,” Minhyuk complains and a something raw and emotional flashes through Jooheon’s face but it was way too quick for anyone else to catch it.

“That drunk, huh?” Hyungwon joins in smirking at him.

“Uh-huh.”

I snicker under my breath and turn to the bottom of the table, where the waiter is standing right now trying to take Kyun’s order. When he’s successful, he turns to Minhee.

“I would liiiike… do you have something lactose and sugar free? The less processed the better… oh and also gluten free,” she asked the waiter, whose feelings of that very moment I could relate to 100%.

“You know, shutting up is also gluten free… try adding that to your diet,” I say as a matter of fact. Making the waiter burst out with a short laughter and notice Kyun is biting his lip to stop himself from laughing out loud.

She turns to be with a very offended look. “Are you addicted to insulting me?”

I shrug. “On the bright side… I’m not addicted to cocaine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Min and Joo talked and no they're friends again? Will the drama ever end? Changkyun is no longer defending Minhee from any jabs that come her way from anyone in the gang... is that good news?
> 
> What are your thoughts? Please share them with me. I love reading your comments <3 ^o^
> 
> In the next chapter Hanna finally realizes something important about Changkyun and Kyunnie sets his priorities straight. Something makes Hanna go to the doctor at last... will she find out what you think?
> 
> Please come back next time to find out what happens... until then bye-bye o(*￣▽￣*)o


	22. Hits a Little Too Close to Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're back! This is a turning point chapter. Fairly important and one some of you have probably been waiting for. So without further pointless letters... hope you enjoy it! <3

**~WEDNESDAY, MID-MARCH - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

The practice was particularly rough today. I somehow managed to convince coach that my cough has subsided and I can actually go swim today, because honestly I just missed it crazy. I trained super hard because I felt like it was going to put my mind at ease and peace and I was hella right. The hard work, the feel of the water, the familiar burning lungs, the sound of the water around my ears - all of these feelings I longed for.

Another one I didn’t know I longed for, but I did was what used to happen after practice pretty often last year, but somehow lacked in my life this year. And now that I was getting it, I felt so content, breathing almost freely with nothing constraining my lungs. Almost.

I was sting in the studio chair next to Kyun listening to him arranging and re-arranging beats over and over until he got something he liked, then I listened to it and gave him my feedback. I missed this state that we were in. Ever since he started dating Minhee this after practice studio sessions were non-existent.

I slowly started drifting off to sleep and closed my eyes for just a second before I felt a hand on my head. The fingers softly raking through my hair; massaging the scalp weighted down by the long wet mass. I missed this, I missed us. I missed Kyun.

I didn’t even realize the moment that it hit me, but it hit me hard. _I missed Kyun._ Even though I have never had him before, I missed him. Strange was that even when I missed Hyunwoo or Kihyun, I never missed them the way I hated Kyun not being around while being so close.

When I missed Hyunwoo and Kihyun, it was because of separation - when they went on vacations with their families and we could only send memes to each other online or text from a time to time. Stuff like that.

But with Changkyun, he was around. I saw him almost every day, but I still missed him. I missed us hanging out in the studio he booked out continuously; I missed us having fun at Hoseok and Won’s on Saturday afternoons; I missed him joking with me at the lunch table and many other instances that would probably take way too long to describe.

However, right now… in this very moment… I didn’t miss him. He was here with me, really here, not just physically and even though he was lost in his music he was still here with me. It felt like home.

_Oh my God… could I actually…? No way… no freaking way... am I...? Oh shit..._

The realization hits home. And it hits like a fucking train.

The fingers kept lightly scratching my scalp and I swear for like the millionth time that I want to be a golden retriever. No joke, if this is what they get on daily basis, _I want to be a golden retriever._ Or any kind of dog that gets this everyday for that matter.

I am not sure Changkyun thought I was sleeping in that moment and that’s why he didn’t stop but if having my eyes closed meant he would keep doing it I would pretend to be asleep there forever.

“You know, you look like a happy puppy right now,” he says softly to me.

I slowly open my eyes getting caught enjoying something that he probably wanted to keep his secret, even though he’s done it before. “If dogs go through this every day, in my next life I want to be a dog in a loving family.”

Changkyun laughed at this shortly. “Everyone wants that.”

“Are you finished?” I ask him looking at my phone for time. 9:04PM.

“Not yet, but you can go if you want to,” the indifference in his voice is almost hurtful, but just almost.

“Nah. Just really sleepy,” I lay my head against the head rest again.

“Then sleep. I’ll wake you up when I do today’s final save,” he assured me watching his screen again.

“Okay, cool,” I closed my eyes and let myself drift off finally. Hoping I wouldn’t wake up in a coughing frenzy, but rather by Kyun telling me it’s time to go.

Another Friday lunch rolls around and suddenly it’s the 8 of us together sitting at the big table like the good old times, some are quieter than others and some are Minhyuk, who has finally made up with Minhyuk and we all could live happily ever after. Not. Because then there was that stupid tension between Hyunwoo and Kihyun. I’m not sure if I’m the only one sensing it, because I know about it or others see it as well. It’s been going around like the flu that only a few were not immune to.

Nevertheless the conversation was flowing naturally as it always would. Ki and Hyunwoo talked to each other a lot but I’ve known Ki for ages and he wasn’t a person for small talk, especially around people he knew as well as he knew us but he small talked with Hyunwoo these days. And Hyunwoo was even on a different level than us. They used to talk about deep stuff on a sunny happy day and joke naturally in a serious situation or just sit next to each other in comfortable silence. Now that was in the past and I felt really bad about it. Somehow I felt guilty, but I had no idea where the guilt was rooted. I realize many people would argue that I should’ve said something about the night they both remember, when I’d been at Ki’s that night since they clearly try to deny it, to the world I wouldn’t care, but to themselves they really shouldn’t. However I am a strong believer in not telling stories that are not mine to tell. And so are Hyunwoo and Kihyun. On the other hand Minhyuk, Hoseok and Jooheon are the exact opposite. Hyungwon doesn’t care; he tells if he feels like it.

“So guys, can we talk about the obvious elephant in the room?” Minhyuk begins sassily waving his fork around.

I look at him with my brow quirked up. “And it being what exactly?”

“The fact that Kyun is sitting here alone, duh!”

“Oh yeeeaah,” Hoseok exclaims actually surprised. “I didn’t even notice.”

“Did you guys break up?” Hyungwon asks without looking up from his phone, but from the tone of his voice you can say he’s a little hopeful.

“Why? No, we didn’t,” Changkyun answers with his mouth full. My lungs start to weight down and I feel a coughing fit coming.

“Shame,” Hoseok’s shoulders slump a little and he goes back to his food.

“Minhee’s coming in a bit,” Changkyun states flatly and continues to eat.

And the coughing fit begins. At first I try to swallow it down at first and make it seem like it’s only a bit of water going down the wrong way, however it breaks into a terrible sequence of scrutinizing cough that is impossible for me to hide. I half-expect mucus finally coming out of somewhere but my logical medical self tells me that unless there is a little bit of wet cough there is no reason for mucus. I try hard to catch my breath and stop coughing but apparently it’s a thing I cannot accomplish. There is a hand on my back rubbing it gently in a soothing motion. It’s so calming but the cough doesn’t subside for another long moment.

Finally the fit goes down and I open my eyes to look at extremely worried Kihyun only to nod at him.

“I thought you had gone to the doctor already. I told you like 2 weeks ago, Han,” Kihyun scolds me again, but his hand never stops moving across my back.

I look away from him around the table in effort to find someone else, who would understand me but all of my friends’ faces mirror the worries of Kihyun’s face.

“I’m fine, really,” I lie.

“That didn’t sound fine, you know,” Hoseok leans in to me.

“Kihyun’s right, Hanna,” Jooheon agrees.

“Yeah, but I think the flu grew into pneumonia,” I dare to admit and even out my breathing with great effort. The nightmare is over. _For now._

Kihyun sighs anxiously. “Will you go to the doctor finally, please?”

“Yes, mom” I crack the typical joke but no one finds it funny. I sigh. “Guys, seriously, don’t worry I’m fine. Maybe I developed asthma.”

Changkyun takes a deep breath in and iss about to speak when Minhee suddenly shows up right next to him. “Hi, baby,” she kisses him on the cheek. Hyungwon makes a retching sound and Minhyuk imitates her wordlessly. I laugh softly, trying not to provoke Kyun.

**~Private chat** between _mamashark_ and _babyshark~_

 **[mamashark]** : when are you scheduled for the doctor?

 **[babyshark]** : ki

 **[babyshark]** : leave it

 **[babyshark]** : i will go when i have time

 **[babyshark]** : which i dont rn

 **[babyshark]** : and u know it better than anyone

 **[babyshark]** : after all, u r the one who sits w me all day in the lib

 **[mamashark]** : are you serious?

 **[babyshark]** : abt what?

 **[mamashark]** : you cannot put that before your health

 **[mamashark]** : you only have one health

 **[babyshark]** : and you only have one heart ki

 **[babyshark]** : and r u doing anything abt it??????

 **[mamashark]** : ouch…

 **[mamashark]** : that’s different… :(

 **[babyshark]** : no its not

 **[mamashark]** : heartbreak is not as bad as dying of not being able to breathe you know

 **[babyshark]** : some people say its worse than death

 **[babyshark]** : ask minhyuk

 **[babyshark]** : he could talk…

 **[mamashark]** : min heartbroken? im sorry but i cant possibly believe that

 **[babyshark]** : you d be surprised

 **[babyshark]** : he has feelings too u know

 **[babyshark]** : even tho yes, some days hes a heartless bitch

 **[mamashark]** : I know he has feelings

 **[mamashark]** : it is just that I can’t imagine him being heartbroken

 **[mamashark]** : when would he find time to be in his busy schedule of hanging out with us, then with his painting friends, shopping for paint and drinking?

 **[mamashark]** : does he not sleep? or does he have a time turner like Hermione?

 **[babyshark]** : idk abt that…

 **[babyshark]** : but some days i would give anything for a time turner

 **[mamashark]** : oh how right you are…

 **[mamashark]** : also… don’t think you escaped the doctor talk Hanna

_Oh God dammit!_ I thought I led him astray successfully but you can never beat a parenting Kihyun when it comes to taking care of someone. But that’s probably why my heart aches for him and his heartbreak even more - because he takes care of me no matter fucking what and even though I could do something about the current situation I stay silent because I really think these two need to figure it out on their own.

**~SATURDAY, END OF MARCH - 2 YEAR OF UNI~**

I check the time on my phone exhausted after a rather bad coughing fit.

2:56AM.

I cannot even remember a night that I slept through without waking up to cough at least twice. It’s tiring as hell, not only due to the fact that my chest hurts and somehow over the course of the last 2 weeks I had managed to get worse muscle aches from coughing this much than I had ever gotten from any of the brutal abs exercises we’ve done at the pool. And let me tell you, that means this is pretty hardcore.

I can’t go on like this anymore, so at 2:57AM I decide to go to the ER tomorrow morning despite the fact I hate ER to the guts, especially on a Saturday morning. It might be pretty bad there, but I have to go.

During the last week I managed to get through the day by insane amounts of caffeine and lecture napping. I have been very drained every single day. But today I’ve had it.

I wake up around 8:15AM and decide to head out as early as possible, however these days even getting out of bed is a strain of energy, so by the time I head out it’s almost 9AM.

When I arrived at the ER the nurse has given me a number and asked me to wait. I went from a general practitioner to whom I mentioned what is wrong with me to a lung specialist, who has taken me to lungs X-ray to look at how bad the pneumonia is, because apparently my cough has sounded terribly and even the doctor scolded me for not coming earlier but when I told him I’m a medicine student he said that that’s pretty characteristic of all medical students and even doctors themselves. All medical practitioners hate going to the doctor and it seems that’s the biggest truth of them all.

<Changkyun POV>

Changkyun texted Hanna first thing when he woke up in the morning, which she definitely hasn’t considered morning - 10:03AM. There were 4 unread messages on his phone from his girlfriend but he didn’t care about those as much as finding out whether Hanna can come with Jooheon and Hyungwon to the studio tonight. He made a song he wanted to share with the 3 first before playing it for everyone else and then eventually releasing it online, with the advertising help of RapGround that was promised to him.

It was now past noon and Hanna still hasn’t responded. And that was weird - she wasn’t in the pool for sure, at this time she wouldn’t be even if she had been swimming these days. He called her twice already but she didn’t pick up.

Changkyun wondered what Hanna was doing.

Out of absolute boredom he went to open the chat with Minhee. What he found was a ‘good morning’ message and 3 extensive messages asking about how he has slept, and whether he’s going to comply with her plans for the Saturday.

Usually he would agree but having made schedule with Jooheon and Hyungwon he texted her that. Instantly there was a reply that tried to guilt-trip him into doing what Minhee wanted him to do.

But not this time. The song was more important to him than Minhee.

And all Changkyun cared about in the moment was whether or not Hanna was going to make it to the studio tonight.

<Back to Hanna POV>

“Miss Kang, your results are back,” the doctor says in a heavy voice, when I enter his office for the second time today. He gestures to the chair on the other side of the table from him and I take the offered seat. “And I’m afraid you won’t like them very much.”

“Yeah. Cancer’s life’s biggest irony,” I try to take it with humour and give serious effort to lighten up the mood in the office.

“It’s not cancer,” the doctor shakes his head slightly, taking a short moment probably for dramatic purposes. “And it’s not pneumonia either.”

I lift both my brows. There is only one option then. “Tuberculosis? But that’s highly infectious.”

“No. What you have, Miss Kang, is not infectious at all. It’s just very life threatening.”

“Okay… you’re getting weird, doctor.”

“You have Hanahaki disease, Miss Kang. Your X-ray has shown quite clearly the flowers blooming in your lungs. I’m sure you’ve heard of Hanahaki disease and that it is somewhat rare these days, or at least we don’t meet with it often. It is also known as the illness born from one-sided love. The disease as such has the symptoms of heavy weight on the chest, inability to breath, choking and a dry cough, all of which you have experienced. The stage you haven’t reached yet is coughing up the petals from your lungs during a coughing fit and extreme suffocation. For the disease to develop as much as yours has the feeling must have been anchored in you for more than a year now, despite the fact you have only noticed relatively recently. I am not sure how much or how little you know about it, but as the doctor I have to tell you there are only 2 ways that will get you to stay alive. First, the one that basically holds your heart right now starts to love you back with very true feelings or, second, it can be surgically removed, however when and if you undergo surgery, somehow we medically completely don’t understand how; all of your romantic feelings and the ability to love will be gone along with the flowers for the rest of your life.”

The doctor’s explanation stuns me for quite some time and there is a very heavy silence in the room, surrounding me like the plague.

_So I could actually… but I hoped not. I love him. I was really hoping for my feelings to be a little bit of a sick joke, but no. I love him… and I’m going to pay for it with my life._

The doctor continues. “Hanahaki disease is a very special and personal disease in the fact that the flower that grows in the lungs of the patient isn’t random; it’s the patient’s favorite flower. You might consider yourself lucky though. I have heard of patients, whose favorite flowers were roses. And their thorns have made even a bigger mess in their lungs. I suppose you know what your favorite flower is?”

“Cherry blossom,” I reply quietly, absorbing all the information the doctor is giving me.

“That’s what I’ve thought. Such a delicate flower, but it will bring you a lot of pain.”

I nod again and get lost in my thoughts for a split second. “I know you said it’s incurable by anything else than the two ways. But there must be something that can help me live at least a little more peacefully before I die right?”

“You might not die, Miss Kang.”

“I know that,” I say hastily. “You know what I mean, doctor.”

“Yes. That I do. What I can give you is a special inhaler that will halt a coughing fit coming up. It doesn’t cure anything, neither it slows down the growth of the flowers. It only eases the painful cough away, coaxing the coming seizure to subside for a while. It’s full of calming medicine, such as heavy allergy medicine would be. But it doesn’t make you sleepy,” he offers.

“Yes, I would take it. Is it bound on prescription?”

“Yes. And I believe you also mentioned you cannot sleep due to coughing?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“For that I can give you a strong sleeping pill that goes with the inhaler well, and is also not very addictive, but at the same time I would suggest you take it for only up to 3 nights a week. Preferably no more than two. I’ll give you prescription worth of both for one month and then you should come for a check up, but I guess I’m truly expecting a different stage when you come in next time.”

“Okay. I understand.”

The doctor starts clicking something into the keyboard of his PC and I fall silent. Quietly I sit there and absorb all the information I have just been given for quite some time. I don’t even notice that the keyboard sounds have stopped and the room was silent again.

“Miss Kang?” the doctor asks suddenly and it doesn’t even startle me at this point. “Are you okay?”

I nod and think for a moment silently before talking. “You know, doctor, I wonder if like smokes after it fucks me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the grand reveal has come. Expected I know... Hanna has feelings for Kyun. AND she has Hanahaki. I know, I know all of you knew... Just a disclaimer I will slightly shape the symptoms and progression of Hanna's Hanahaki to fit the story more. I'm not changing anything about it, just tweaking some things so it fits better. ^^ The chapters from now will be a tad more serious, but it's nothing super bad and I promise I'm not dropping the humor. That wouldn't me. *hihi* ^^ <3
> 
> Please tell me what you think about this chapter? It's a turning point and I would love to hear your opinions!
> 
> In the next chapter, Hanna considers whether it's a good idea to tell someone or go through the whole thing alone.
> 
> I hope you liked it and until next time, take care and stay safe! <3 ^o^


	23. As Pretty as a Pink Petal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, greetings! Welcome to a new chapter and I hope all of you are doing well. ^^
> 
> In this chapter Hanna makes a decision to tell someone about what's going on with her. It might be a little bit more serious than earlier chapters, but unfortunately we have reached the point of the story when stuff needs to get a little more serious.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it <3 :)

**~THURSDAY, LATE APRIL, 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

I can’t believe I wake up with just enough time to get to the lecture hall on time. _Again._ This sleeping pill is killing me for sure. But on the other hand at least I don’t cough as much anymore. Another Thursday is upon me, with another Friday coming up. These days I slept like a baby. The inhaler had a drowsing side effect as well during the day, but I managed to off-set it with a shit ton of caffeine. The only person, who noticed me being a little bit sleepier than usual was Kihyun. When I told him it’s the pneumonia medicine he visibly relaxed, because I have finally gone to the doctor with my cough and his motherly instincts have calmed down. Success!

Sitting in the lecture for my minor in Professional Coaching was as boring as ever, so getting sleepy was no problem. It’s not like I was the only one falling asleep there anyway. Suddenly the thoughts that have been keeping me company for the last three weeks (since I have found out about my Hanahaki) rise up - I wanted to tell Hyunwoo. I really wanted him to know the reason why I have been avoiding the group lunches and why I haven’t gone to RapGround in the last two weeks when all of them had gone. Hyunwoo is my oldest friend, but I wasn’t sure I should tell him.

The reason?

I didn’t want to bother him. But I just felt like telling him. And that was the dilemma that kept me up before falling into deep slumber sleep, from which barely anything was able to wake me up.

**~Private chat** between _bear_ and _shark~_

 **[shark]** : nu? r u busy tonight?

 **[bear]** : no, practice only

 **[bear]** : something happened?

 **[shark]** : well…

 **[shark]** : kinda

 **[bear]** : i can skip pool today

 **[shark]** : no

 **[shark]** : definitely not

 **[bear]** : are you sure?

 **[bear]** : i know you and i dont like how this sounds, han

 **[shark]** : i realize that

 **[shark]** : but it can wait after practice

 **[shark]** : bcs im going too ^^

 **[bear]** : really?

 **[shark]** : yep

 **[bear]** : ok, lets talk after then :)

The practice was gruesome again, for me double fold. The inhaler I got from the doctor was working quite well and I never even felt drowsy in the pool, not like I had time anyway... The coach has only let me integrate slowly into the work load since I’ve pretty much been out for almost 2 months, the couple of times I’d come and leave early didn’t count, she said. To be honest I didn’t oppose the slower return since I knew that even now I would have a pretty terrible muscle ache for the upcoming week or so.

Hyunwoo caught up with me right outside the pool as I was once again using my inhaler.

“Is it still that bad?” he asks compassionately.

“Yeah. That’s kinda what I wanna talk to you about, Hyunwoo,” I bring it up right away because I knew that if I postponed it even just by a sentence I would chicken out 100%. “But do you think we can go somewhere to talk about it. I don’t really want to talk about it out here in the open.”

“Okay, let’s go to my room. I suppose yours isn’t as clean as mine,” Hyunwoo smirked at me. He’s always known what’s up, I guess. I might be a girl but many times my room was terribly messy and always smelled of chlorine. Well not these days. These days it smelled like the laundry I washed and left it out to dry last week... and the week before that. I just grabbed the clothes from the drying rack every day. I mean, I couldn’t be bothered to fold them into the closet. Frankly, what for?

“It’s not like you’re not right and you know that.”

“So. Talk,” Hyunwoo tells me after we’ve arrived in his room and both of us took out our swimsuits out of the bags and after have settled with my bottle of water on the foot of his bed with Hyunwoo sitting on the other end, leaning against the wall there.

I take a deep breath in and as I started to talk nothing came out. I try again and I break into a short, but challenging coughing fit, which strengthens my resolve to tell my oldest best friend.

“You know this cough,” I motion my hands around in the space but mainly to kind of point to myself. “It’s been going on for a while and I really didn’t want to go to the doctor but I have gone 3 weeks ago. Well, I have given it a lot of thought to even go, being a medicine student and all. As well as thinking about bringing this up because I know you have a lot on your shirt too and don’t need me to burden you with stuff like this. It’s such a trivial thing and I probably shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Just cut to the chase, will you?” Hyunwoo moved closer to sit next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. That simple gesture that we have been so used to between the two of us gave me so much comfort and courage to actually finally tell him what is going to.

“When I went to the doctor, he told me that it’s neither the flu nor pneumonia. He said and saw it on the X-ray… I have Hanahaki,” the last sentence came out so quietly that I thought for a moment that Hyunwoo hasn’t even heard me, because he stayed silent for a couple of moments.

“You have Hanahaki?” he asks not believing his ears. Unconsciously, his strong arm pulls me in tighter as if just the hug alone could protect me from all the bad things in the world. I dare not to look up at Hyunwoo’s face.

I hang my head down looking at my hands. “Yeah…”

“Who… who is it?” Hyunwoo’s question hits me pretty hard. I contort because of another cough crawling up from my lungs, this one longer and harsher that the one just a couple of minutes ago. I lean on Hyunwoo more and he hugs my trembling body close to his chest, now with both arms.

When it’s finally over and I can take a normal breath it I dare to speak. “Come on… do you really think I’m going to tell you that? No. You’d go into protective bear mode and freak out at that person and we all know it doesn’t work that way.”

Only then I finally look into Hyunwoo’s eyes just to see tears rolling down his face in silence. “No. No. _No…_ _not you_.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” I repeated. “Really, it’s okay, it’s okay… i-it’s okay.” And then I realized that the whole ‘it’s okay’ mantra was more for me than it was for Hyunwoo. The tears now streamed down my face too and after three weeks I finally broke down, crying in my best friend’s arms. _I was going to die…_

Hyunwoo was rocking us back and forth slightly in a comforting manner, we both cried for a long time.

_It’s okay, it's okay... It's okay..._

Except it wasn’t.

**~FRIDAY, LATE APRIL, 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Lying in bed after being woken up by those beautiful pink bitches coming out of my lungs is probably my least favorite way to wake up in the morning. I must have said this before at some point. But I have also said that I am ridiculously grateful for the fact I don’t have roses growing in my lungs.

Last night I was at Hyunwoo’s for a long time. After the tears stopped we both sat in silence for a very long time, Hyunwoo hugging me tight, protective mode on. I felt so safe in his brotherly arms I never wanted to leave but he had early morning lecture and I wanted to sleep in for once, hoping that the practice, the sleeping pill and the crying would tire me out enough to be able to sleep almost until lunch, since I planned on skipped the nutrition lecture anyway.

Only during sleepless nights I had time to find and experience the black hole of instagram. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Have you ever just gone to your explore feature and got lost so badly you literally sank into the whole for 2 hours? Yeah? Well, that charm is what caught me. And as I was swimming around the unexpected waters on instagram I stumbled upon an account with truthful, funny and sassy quotes about love and relationships, and just random life.

I quickly read over a tweet styled quote.

“ _It’s scientifically proven that when you have a crush on someone your brain idolizes them,_ ” I whisper the quote and snicker sarcastically, that breaks into a triple cough. “Okay, that’s not true. I see all of his mistakes. I don’t have a crush on him, it’s bullshit. This whole thing with a flower in my lungs.” _Why am I in denial stage again?_

_No, I don’t have a crush on him._

I drop my phone on my chest, bring my hands to my face to rub all over deforming my face there and back, and I sigh. One that I’ve seen a couple of days ago pops into my mind: _I could spend hours looking at you and your smile._

And that’s true. Changkyun has like a variety of 50 smiles out of which I have been the recipient many times. Some of them are my favourites, for example #8 - the cute and ridiculously happy looking smile; #5 the cocky I.M smile and so many others; oh, or #3 the 'something is working out well, but I'm still focused' smile.

“Maaaan, when did my thoughts get so cheesy?” I throw my hand over my eyes and stifle a cough - pointlessly. For the first time since I started using the inhaler and the pills I have a cough that is worth killing me. I feel like I’m going to cough my lungs out during this unbelievably long coughing fit, but towards the end of it, after I sit down because we all know coughing while lying down is the worst freaking idea you can have; I feel something in my hand. I take a look and see two soft pink petal of a cherry blossom. I squeeze them hard inside my palm in effort to crush the living hell out of them. As if that would help, though. “Oh, fuck you…”

Another quote blinks like a neon sign in my mind out of nowhere: _The more you hide your feelings for someone, the more you fall for them._

I fall back onto the bed with yet another heavy sigh. “Oh, fuck me…”

Still, no matter what happened in my life Friday lunch with the gang was Friday lunch with the gang - my favorite part of the week from Monday morning to Friday afternoon. After that it was the weekend and there are very little things in the week better than the weekend. _Fight me, bitch._

To make my unlucky streak continue, it’s 9 people sitting at the table, but having the even number of 8 would be the preferred way for 7 out of 8 members of our group. So the table was mainly silent after the initial discussion that was lead by Hoseok about Hyungwon’s latest modelling gig, in which he boasted his boyfriend rocking in black and white pictures with a wet look hairstyle and some high designer clothing he was shooting for the editorial. You could visibly see how proud Hoseok was of Hyungwon, even though Won himself called this whole thing ‘being born under a lucky-handsome-genes star’ and that it wasn’t that great of an achievement but good enough to be a good source of money when needed.

During a long half-uncomfortable silence at the table I notice most people just chewing their food and sliding down the instagram and twitter feed (plus Minhyuk, who has entirely fallen under the spell of tiktok). Out of nowhere Hoseok breaks the silence.

“You know, I think I should do a TED talk,” Hoseok says looking up from his phone on which I see Hyungwon’s picture.

“Babe,” Hyungwon sighs and it’s so obvious that he’s asking more out of habit than curiosity really. “What would you even talk about?”

“Body positivity,” he winks at his model boyfriend, who rolls his eyes and groans, clearly knowing what’s going to come afterwards.

Kihyun, Minhyuk, Hyunwoo and I mutter: “Please don’t ask.”

“Why?” Minhee so _cleverly_ asks.

“Oh god,” comes out of Kihyun, Minhyuk, Hyunwoo, Jooheon and me univocally.

“Because I’m positive I like Hyungwon’s body,” Hoseok replies.

“How could you not see that coming?” I turn to Minhee.

“Yeah, so unexpected,” Kihyun joins me sarcastilly.

“I think it’s cute,” she shrugs.

“ _I think it’s cute_ ,” Minhyuk imitates her sassily, Ki and I smiled, tryin to hold our laughter down.

“Minhyuk, seriously?” Changkyun barks out annoyed.

“Jesus, don’t get your panties in a twist,” Jooheon defends him.

“He ain’t no Jesus,” Hoseok chimes vocally perfectly to the rhythm of the song by Eminem and Beyonce. <A/N: song's ‘Walk on Water’ for those, who don’t know ^^>

Another Friday night at RapGround rolls around, but this time without Kyun on stage, so we just sit in our corner listening to the battles happening tonight, drinking lightly (and yes before anyone asks, we can do that - we don’t get drunk _that_ often… right?) and joking among each other. It’s a good night.

Until…

I get caught in another coughing fit. Two pink sakura petals appears in my palm and I quickly throw them to the floor, hoping no one noticed. I look up and Hoseok has his eyes on me, worried.

While looking at Hoseok, I don’t notice how Hyunwoo watches my hand dropping the two pretty pink petals. He frowns and takes a sip from his drink.

“Hyunwoo, are you okay?” Jooheon asks, noticing his frown.

“Yeah, you look really down,” Minhyuk comments too.

“All good. You know, just not feeling super great today. Everyone gets those days, that’s all,” he brushes it aside.

I cough again as I laugh and chase another upcoming fit down by taking a drink from my glass.

“Should you be drinking though?” Changkyun asks me concerned.

“It’s a glass of wine. I’m not getting hammered tonight,” I reply stressing the fact that we’re not drinking drinking tonight.

“Maybe you should stay in bed and finally sleep it out,” Changkyun says it just like that.

 _Oh my God. What do you even know…_ I think to myself.

Saved by the bell though. “Baby, you never take care of me like this when I’m sick,” Minhee whines next to Changkyun threading one of her hands into his.

“That’s because you haven’t been sick, yet. Don’t worry though, I’ll take care of you,” Kyun replies plainly.

Oh.

My.

God.

“ _Puke_ ,” I pronounce every single sound clearly and sarcastically.

I get a murderous glare from her while the whole table erupts in wild laughter and even though my lungs hurt and it’s difficult to breathe, somehow the next breath comes a little lighter.

I don’t think it’s because I’m getting better or anything like that (I’m not naïve that way) but this kind of a small little moments give me satisfaction on a super personal level. I wish this could cure the Hanahaki.

But then another kick in the gut comes when he goes to console her. This time I successfully swallow the cough for long enough to escape to the bathroom.

I know I’m followed by Hyunwoo’s and Hoseok’s concerned eyes.

Once out of sight in the bathroom I start coughing my lungs out, petals coming out in batches. I decide it’s time to go home. I check my pockets and my sling bag that’s on my back. I haven’t left anything at the table except for my jacket. Hyunwoo can take it for me, though, so I’m not too worried about that.

I realize that this is quite the dick move towards my friends, whom I promised to hang out with - just leaving like that. But I can’t go back and see them together again. I’ll meet them tomorrow again anyway, so whatever.

As I exit the bathroom I know no one from the gang can see me ll the way from the table so I just make my way towards the exit, where I greet the guards with a tired smile and ask them to tell the guys when they leave RapGround that I was just tired and went home early. They agree without a second question.

The spring night’s slightly cold air hit my skin and for a split second I regret not going back for my jacket. I sigh and start walking into the dark night lit by street lights. Still… it feels darker that usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanna told Hyunwoo, but she was pushing it back so much, wasn't she? It took her 3 weeks to even say something. And If you paid enough attention - somebody noticed something weird, too, but more on that in the next chapter. But on the other hand, aren't Hyungwonho literally the best? I have so much fun writing those two <3 Also, who is familiar with the black hole of instagram or youtube? XD It's crazy how you get sucked in and you don't even know how or for how long. -_-"
> 
> In the next chapter interesting twists are coming up, but I don't want to say more, because I don't want to give it away... sorry, no preview this time. Just... again I apologize I’m venturing off to the darker waters but it was bound to come. ╯︿╰
> 
> Please, as always, share your thoughts on this chapter - you know I love reading them <3 I hope you have a good day and see you again with the next chapter! Bye (～￣▽￣)～


	24. The More We Know...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the time is here again. This chapter has another turning point for the story and I honestly hope you enjoy it, because I for sure had fun writing this chapter ^^
> 
> So without further pointless letters... enjoy []~(￣▽￣)~*

**~SUNDAY, LATE APRIL - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

“So, what have you been up to lately?” Hoseok asks me from his place on the bean bag in front of the TV after I come into the room and settle on his bed next to Hyungwon, who’s reading a book about the importance of sleep. _Little ironic, really._

Also the question Hoseok gives me is just so weird… like... why would you ask that? We’ve seen each other on Friday, you know exactly what I am up to and not only that we have seen each other, we chat in the group chat a lot these days. Changkyun is particularly active and so I caught on his string and yet again the two of us are leading the group chat in terms of banter and jokes. It’s almost as if we’re back to our old selves, however I know I will never be the same Hanna I was last year. And let me tell you, I’ve had the whole summer super planned out since like Christmas. I bought all the tickets to festivals I wanted to go to and to some I was still considering whether or not to go - I can re-sell the tickets later anyway so it doesn’t really matter. So this whole Hanahaki affair was slowly starting to ruin my summer that was a major mood spoil.

So yeah, the question from Hoseok seemed a tiny bit misplaced and I smell fish. I swear something is up with these two. _Do they need a favour?_ If so, I hope it’s nothing concerning their sex life, ‘cause trust me _I do not_ want to be involved. It’s enough I’d seen a couple of make out sessions between them here and there - and even then, it’s not like I wanted to see them in the first place. _So yeah… you get me… right?_

I look at Hoseok suspicious, because Hyungwon too is acting all weird next to me and I’m not sure I like it. So I give him my answer: “A whole lot of whatever the fuck I want lately and I like it. The only question remaining in the room is: why are you asking?”

“No reason, no reason,” he rushes to reply, shaking his head a little too much for it to be _no reason_. Hyungwon next me hasn’t moved a page in quite some time so I’m suspecting he’s using it as cover just like Hoseok is using the TV and the fact he’s turned his back to me.

I breathe in dramatically so both of them hear it and I get their attention before I even speak. “Okay, why are you two acting so weird?” I sassily put the obvious elephant in the room out there finally.

Hyungwon puts his book down onto his lap opened so he doesn’t lose his place. “Hanna… we know,” he says softly and tries to reach for my hand but then he retracts his own as if unsure whether or not he can touch me.

 _About what?_ “You know about what exactly?” I try to clarify, because they can’t possibly know… Hyunwoo would never say anything.

“I saw you on Friday…” Hoseok gives me a hint with a serious expression on his face.

I squint my eyes not following him. “Yeah, I saw you too on Friday. Multiple times to be precise,” I snicker at this conclusion of his.

“We’re trying to be serious here,” Won shakes his head and this time he does move closer to me.

“And you very well know I hate that. So either get to the point or drop it.”

Hoseok finally turns around to face me and sighs. “Friday night… I saw you drop two pink petals from your hand after you coughed. Do you… do you have Hanahaki?”

I think the shock in my face has to be so clearly visible. Guilt flows through me like a tidal wave and I cannot do anything other than hang my head down and feel tears welling up in my eyes. An arm snakes around my shoulders and I feel Hyungwon squeezing my shoulder strongly but lovingly. “So we put one and one together correctly then? It’s true?”

“Yeah,” I sigh heavily, not knowing what else I could say other than that.

When I glance up at Hoseok I see a tear dropping from his eye onto his cheek, he doesn’t wipe it away, just lets it roll down on its own. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“Hyunwoo knows. I told him after practice on Thursday.”

“But you found out at the doctor’s like 3 weeks ago, eh?” Hyungwon assumes correctly.

“Yeah,” I nod, defeated. A tear falls down from my chin onto my lap.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us sooner?” Hyungwon questions.

I hear Hoseok sob and revert my gaze from Won to his boyfriend, my childhood friend. He’s proper crying right now but it’s apparent that he’s trying hard to keep his composure, wiping his tears away vigorously, trying to swallow his sobs.

“And what exactly would you be able to do about it?” I ask them softly. There isn’t a single trace of accusing them of something in my voice, it was just a simple question void of any emotion other than sadness. “Nothing,” I reply to myself in an even quieter voice. “We all know how this disease works.”

Hoseok moves from the bean bag to the foot of the bed where he kneels in front of me, clutching one of my hands between two of his, he continues to cry silently. None asks me, due to whom I have gotten this illness and I offer no explanation either. We just sit there until I cannot bear to see Hoseok’s tears for any longer, which honestly could not have been longer than 30 seconds, because I cannot handle when he cries, like never. Hoseok crying is one of the most painful things in the world.

And therefore I speak up: “Hey, so wanna watch the Humanity by Ricky Gervais with me?”

Won scoffs next to me and loosens the grip on my shoulder but doesn’t let go. “Really? Now? In this heartfelt moment?”

“You know what’s my favorite quote from him?”

“Hm?”

“ _We’re all going to die, so we should just have a laugh._ And I don’t really know how much time I have left before this thing suffocates the shit out of me, so I really wanna see the show and you guys have Netflix, so…” I trail off with an unfinished sentence and Won actually laughs shortly.

“Did you really just use your terminal illness to get the access to our Netflix account?” he asks me with a sincere smile on his face.

“Yeah?” I meow out with a smile mirror his.

“Let’s watch it,” Hoseok sniffles. “I wanted to watch it too.” He stands up and goes back to the bean bag, not so gracefully flopping onto it. “And don’t worry, Han. Secret’s safe with us.”

One simple sentence can change everything. This one didn’t really change anything because I knew I could trust Hoseok and Won with anything, but it still made me feel even more at home, if that was even possible.

If you haven’t watched Humanity, a stand up comedy performance by Ricky Gervais, give a try. The guy’s hilarious.

_< A/N. sorry to sneak in my personal thought but yeah, please watch it, if Ricky is not up your humor alley then I’m sorry, back to story now>_

**~WEDNESDAY, MID-MAY - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Some days I just want to run and hide in some unknown cave lost up there in the mountains; some days just run until my legs give and I die in the middle of a dessert somewhere along the track, which Forrest Gump ran and some days I wanna sit just right here in my place and smile like a total lunatic. Wonder why?

_Let me rewind real quick._

It was Wednesday lunch and it could have been better but could have been worse. The end of the year was coming soon and just like every single year the teacher were trying to cram into the lecture as much as they possibly could. No joke here. So not only most of us here in the gang were cranky as hell due to having to process this much information in such a short period of time, we also mainly had cramping wrists from trying to write every important thing down. And trust me when I say that when you’re a medicine student, EVERYTHING is important.

Therefore all throughout lunch Hoseok, Kihyun and I have been complaining about writing into our notebooks rolling and massaging our wrists to relieve the tension before the afternoon session. Minhyuk has been rather closed off these days, his happy vitamin vibe disappearing for a short period of time, just like last year around this time. He had paintings and essays to finish. However this year, he claimed to be early with the essay load, the problem being the paintings. He said he hadn’t had a single ounce of inspiration since like Easter and the problem was that the professor had given them such specific projects to do that he couldn’t just reach into his mind and pull out anything. He had to execute the paintings to the dot by the professor’s brief. I could see how that would trouble such a free minded and free spirited person like Minhyuk himself.

But to get to my point… the good part of the lunch came with Minhee this time around. Love is the biggest life’s irony, truly.

The 8 of us were sitting at the table together, which wasn’t rare these days. It was as if Kyun stopped calling Minhee to have lunch with us. Well, not anybody really minded - we pretty much just went back to taking a piss out of ourselves really. Without a notice Minhee and Minhee 2, Minhee 3 and 4 came to our table and sat at Kyun’s end, which was rather awkward because Kyun was sitting between Jooheon and Hyunwoo, with me and Minhyuk opposite them. So the 4 technically sat next to Min and Joo.

Sorry for the numbers, but I really don’t remember the names, I don’t know, maybe simply because I really don’t give a fuck… fight me.

I take a sip from my water and cough a bit, not necessarily a petal worthy cough but Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Won turn heads. Hoseok being the closest to me pats me on the back gently.

“So, are you finally gonna choke or what?” number 3 asks me with a matter of fact tone in her voice. I look at her appalled, like… this bitch doesn’t even know me. How can she ask a thing like that? Had it been Minhyuk asking, my answer would be something along the lines of: _What a comfortable life you’d live without me, but fear not my friend, I ain’t leaving just yet._

But it was the number 3 bitch. Not Min, so I say as politely as I possibly can: “Excuse me?”

And at the same I speak so does Hyungwon: “What?!”

“Like don’t you think you’ve gone a little too far there?” Changkyun barks out enraged, his eyes glistening with anger and despise.

“Why?” number 3 shrugs ‘innocently’.

“I think she’s said much worse things to Minhee,” number 2 joins the fight along the other minions.

“Those were all fucking jokes,” Changkyun snaps back at her raging. He looks like his blood is way beyond boiling point.

“Yeah, but jokes can hurt, you know, babe. Only the guys laughed, I never did,” Minhee tries to look hurt but the only thing she achieves is more of Changkyun spitting acid around him.

“OH MY GOD!!! Well, then maybe you should stop taking yourself too seriously once in a while. It’s a joke, not a dick; don’t take it so hard!” Kyun practically shouts at this point, his face red from all the anger pouring out of him.

“What did you just say to me?” Minhee blinks at him multiple times taken aback and fazed beyond.

“Oh my God, don’t act like you didn’t hear what I’ve just said, you very well heard it, just like everyone else at the table.”

“I was giving you a chance to fix what you said,” she ‘informs’ him bitchily.

“This is my cup of care and... oh, look… it’s empty,” Kyun looks at her with all the seriousness he can muster at this point.

“Are you serious, Changkyun?” Minhee asks.

“Deadly,” Changkyun answers.

“I’m so disappointed in you,” she says with such a fake voice that bile comes up my throat. At that point she stands up and leaves, closely followed by her shocked looking minions.

“ _Yo!_ Take your food, bitch!” Minhyuk calls after her when he notices she left her food tray on the table. Then he turns to us wide-eyed. “Did you see that? She just left without taking her tray! Who taught her manners?”

For a minute we all sat there silent. And then we erupted in laughter at Minhyuk’s last remark.

_Rewind finished._

The laughter has stopped and the lunch break was almost over, so most of us just kind of waited and lazed around before going into our next lecture(s). I take a quick glance at Changkyun, whose face shows not a single trace of being bothered by what just happened, as if he’s been waiting for it to happen and it was inevitable, while just a couple of moments ago he was given just the right opportunity.

I turn my eyes to my coffee and smile softly to myself as most of the group leaves; only Kihyun, Hoseok and I remain, a warm feeling settles around my core before I break into another coughing fit. This one I end up being covered by Hoseok’s broad back as I turn away from the unknowing best friend. When I take a look at the damage I see a lot of pink petals in my hand, some dropping to the floor from the full palm. My gaze falls on Hoseok’s worried face as he quickly starts to bustle around to hide the little pink shits from Kihyun.

Wednesday after practice, which to my and Hyunwoo’s very big surprise goes without even a tiny cough; I end up at the studio with Kyun. He’s working on his revenge battle with some guys that challenged him again. The last battle between them Changkyun won only by a hair, so he really wanted to prove his point this time.

As much as I love spending time with Changkyun in the studio, due to the gruesome 2 hours in the pool and the medicine I’ve been taking to push back the Hanahaki symptoms, I felt like I began to drift away to sleep pretty fast. My life was effectively being drained away by the two true loves held in my heart. One that has always meant life to me and one that now means the death to me.

Listening to the clicking mouse and keys on the keyboard, Kyun’s soft hum when something went the way he wanted was almost as soothing as him playing with my hair.

“And you fell asleep again, huh?” I heard Changkyun say quietly to me and to himself. Since my breathing was pretty even and my eyes tired I didn’t want to open them to prove him wrong. “Still…” he sighs. “I wanted you to be the first one to know, since I think you hated her the most out of our group. I broke up with Minhee. I honest to God cannot fucking believe that Hyungwon was right and I didn’t fucking listen to him all those times he told me she was using me. And he’s told me multiple times.”

A small moment of silence falls over us and I dare not to smile even just a tiny bit in fear he would notice I’m not sleeping.

“How stupid was I? Honestly…” I hear him say and the some shuffling and rustling comes and I wonder what he’s doing. “Some days I thought that maybe, but just maybe, they were all wrong and she only meant well, which don’t get me wrong - she did… but only well for herself. I remember that one time after Valentine’s Day when Won and Jooheon were sitting here listening to a song I was making and Won brought up the issue for like the 100th time and I was still assuring him that he’s only seeing things. I think that day was the breaking point for me. I’m not gonna weigh you or anyone really with the things that went down after, but it was a quite a big fight between us and that day I finally started to see the things you guys all had seen before but I was stupidly blind to them. And, frankly, I guess I’m sorry. Sorry to you guys for not listening when you meant well and sorry to myself for losing time that I could have spent with you. I’m a bad friend, huh?”

I think quickly whether or not to say anything and I am so close to just keeping my mouth shut, shit, but then again that wouldn’t be me. “You know, our gang is kinda like condoms,” I state plainly.

“Oh, you’re up? Uh, but never mind, enlighten me, I’m curious about this statement of yours,” he smiles awaiting what’s coming.

“We’ll always protect you when things get hard,” I smile back at him. The mood gets lighter again as Kyun chuckles about the comment for the next couple of hours, while I doze off and on next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you just love how 'subtle' Hyungwonho were about talking to Hanna about her Hanahaki? Also... they broke up!!!! Doesn't it just feel nice to finally hear Kyun say it? ^o^
> 
> Please share your thoughts on the chapter <3
> 
> Next time, Hanna and Hyunwoo talk about what love means. To both of them ( *psssst* that means revelations realizations are coming).
> 
> Take care and stay healthy :) <3 until next time ヾ(￣▽￣) Bye~Bye~


	25. Love Means...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, I hope you had a good week and here is another chapter!!! ^^ In this one Hanna and Hyunwoo talk about what love means and it gets kinda deep :) 
> 
> So I hope you enjoy it. Happy reading ^^ <3

**~MID-MAY - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Hyunwoo makes it too obvious. Seriously. So much that I really want to call him out. Ever since I told him about my Hanahaki he’s been keeping me close company as if I was dying tomorrow and he wanted to spend all the last minutes I have with me. _BUT_ , when I was with Kihyun he was avoiding us like plague.

He’s been spending so much time with me that I was getting seriously annoyed. Yesterday when I was going to see Kyun in his studio he insisted he wanted to go with me, because and I quote “ _the way you describe spending time in the studio with Kyun, it sounds like a lot of fun_ ” and you know what happened with him spending time with Changkyun and me? He fell asleep earlier than me - like 5 minutes after he sat down. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a new record.

So yeah, these days Hyunwoo was joined to me at the hip and one day I even started to sing the song from the animated movie _Quest for Camelot_ from 1998, the song's name was _If I didn’t have you_ _( <A/N: give it a try please, if you don’t know the movie, it’s pretty good and this particular song is quite funny too ^^>_).

**~LATE MAY - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

Saturday practice was awesome, painful but awesome. Not only I got 2 full hours of me lane leading during a couple of difficult distance sets, but I lasted out lane leading the whole time and no one, literally none of the girls could keep up with me. I was back to progressing, to getting my strength back, to being a step closer to myself. Somehow I always felt better when I was in the pool, maybe because I rarely thought of Changkyun when swimming; I was alone, lost in my thoughts and the processes it went through to cleanse the shit out of itself.

We also had a kick set with fins and kick-buddies, which is honestly as amazing as it sounds.

And on top of that, we got to do turns and starts, with relay starts too!!! Can you imagine the happiness when the coach gave us a reward like this? Not a single member of the team wanted to leave early again, even when the practice stretched 30 minutes over our regular schedule. Starts and turns are the most favorite thing of pretty much every swimmer out there in the world.

Like I said, painful but awesome.

As I was leaving the pool, I had to stop right outside the door because the early summer days have already started and I felt the insane need to pull of my hoodie and let down my wet hair so that it can air dry in the warm wind of a late May’s day.

“Hanna,” I hear someone from behind me call out my name and see Sewoon, a first year backstroker - a rising star in our team to be honest. He was fairly good, won a couple of events here and there but mainly was progressing very steadily, which made him coach’s favorite of the first years. But then on the other hand, this coach liked all of us. She was just a good human being all in all.

“Sewoon, what’s up?” I smile at him, putting my bag back onto my shoulder, struggling a bit with holding up my hoodie and failing stupidly. When it falls to the ground Sewoon picks it up and hands it to me. “Thanks,” I smile at him.

“No problem. Hey I-I was wondering if-“

“Hanna!” Hoseok’s voice comes calling from behind me. I turn around to smile at my friend and see him running towards me excitedly, Hyungwon (denifitely not running) trailing behind him.

“Hey, you guys! What’s the occasion of the one and only Chae Hyungwon coming to the pool?” I mock my tallest friend with no malicious intent of course.

“My smol friend that is a girl for sure,” he remarks all the things that I’ve had issues with in the past with joke gleaming in his eyes. “I am delighted to see you again today. As or the reason… would you care to join Hoseok and me for lunch today?” Oh my, could he be any more theatrical?

“Wow, why do I feel like I’m the butt of the joke that I don’t understand here?” I quirk an eyebrow at both of them.

“We just wanna take you out for brunch,” Hoseok says cutely pouting. “Cooome oooon, pleaseee?”

“But why?” Don’t get me wrong, I could eat… but I’m still suspicious, they’re never acting like this.

“Okay,” Won sighs heavily. “We got tips…”

“Froooom?”

“Kihyun,” Won answers truthfully “He said you had complained about Hyunwoo hoarding you to himself a little too much these days and he asked us to go kindly rescue you today.”

I grin and think of Ki begging these to come save me from my oldest friend. “Please save me!” I laugh shortly and cough shortly too. Hoseok’s eyes show a bit of worry but it quickly disappears after I send him a warning glare. I don’t want anybody’s pity. Ever. “But wait, Sewoon, you were going to ask something.”

“Oh yeah,” he smiles innocently and scratches the back of his head cutely. _Seriously cute, this boy._ “I was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee today, but I guess you have plans now. Maybe next time.”

I can’t help but smile brightly at how adorable this guy is asking me to go to lunch and apologetic about asking me when suddenly plans came up. “Sorry, maybe next time.”

“Yeah, sure. See you Monday?” he asks taking a slow step backwards.

“Monday morning. Don’t be late again!” I wave at him as he leaves.

“Cute kid,” Hoseok comments plainly.

“He’s not much younger than us, you know,” I start walking away from the pool in the direction the two came from before, escaping any trace of Hyunwoo, who hasn’t left the pool just yet. Don’t get me wrong, I love him but sometimes I would really appreciate coughing my fucking lungs out alone.

During the brunch I get like 5 calls from Hyunwoo, of which two I just let ring out and two I cancel right away and the 5th one I finally pick up.

“Hey, what’s up?”

_“Finally, you picked up!”_

“Yeah. And you called five times,” I accuse him and roll my eyes around.

_“In the evening, do you wanna come hang out to mine?”_

“Hyunwoo, I…”

_“I have to ask you something. It’s about Ki, too.”_

Interesting. Finally. “Okay, I’ll come over.” I hang up and look at my brunch companions. I love them for taking me out for fried sweet potato and eggs and even though I’m paying for my share of course, I love the idea that they came to take me for brunch to save my poor soul from being hoarded again.

“But tell me guys,” I start talking with my mouth full. “Is Hyunwoo hoarding me the only reason you took me out for brunch on this beautiful Saturday morning?”

Hoseok looks at Won and I see a spark of guilt going through their internally connected private channel. Won sighs, realizing that apparently delivering the news is now up to him. “Well, Hyunwoo’s not wrong for wanting to spend time with you, you know.”

I roll my eyes at pull out my wallet mid-meal, annoyed with the fact they too think I’m going to die tomorrow.

“No, no. Hanna, it’s not like we don’t know that you’re not dying like right now. But we kinda just realized only when Kihyun told us about your complaints that your time is limited and now, we kind of envy the rest of the group for not knowing. It’s a little bit of a heavy secret to hold in, you know,” Hoseok tells me genuinely.

“I never asked of you to find out,” I remark off-handily and start to play with my food. I hate this situation more than anything. This is exactly why I never wanted to tell anyone in the first place. I despise myself for being their burden, their heavy weight dragging them down in their normal day to day lives. I hate that so much, I hate myself for telling anyone. I’m so stupid.

“Han,” Won reaches over the table to wrap his long slim fingers around my wrist gently in a caring gesture. “It’s good that we know, as I’ve told you before. I will, and Hoseok too, help you protect your secret for as long as you want to keep it a secret. But please, let us just spend time with you. It’s not going to be bothersome, I promise. Normally one of us would text you about coming to brunch with you…”

“’Cause apparently you could have gone on a coffee date, so sorry about that,” Hosoek smirks at me with a raised brow.

“Ha-ha, funny,” I look at him, irony just flowing out of my eyes like waterfalls.

“He was asking you out with that intention, Han,” Hyungwon deadpanned.

“But that doesn’t solve my problem, does it?”

“Let’s stop talking about it, okay? It makes me feel depressed,” Hoseok looked at his plate with a sad expression.

“You don’t see me disagreeing,” Won shrugs his shoulder and sips his coffee - can I just say: Won sipping his iced Americano _\- iconic_.

When we finally leave (in a very good mood, mind you) our brunch place that has stretched over to afternoon coffee, Hoseok hands me back my swimming back pack and we make our way to the dorms. It felt like a day I will want to remember when I get old, simply because it was so easy. The cough didn’t suffocate me as much, I hoped I was getting better but then I was reminded I wasn’t in a rather nasty manner after I came back to my room and like a dozen of pink petals came out of me. At that point I realized how much I hated cherry blossom pink.

**~Private chat** between users _mamashark_ and _babyshark~_

 **[mamashark]** : han how was brunch?

 **[mamashark]** : i saw insta stories

 **[mamashark]** : looked tasty :)

 **[babyshark]** : yass ^^

 **[babyshark]** : thx for saving me from hyunwoo <3

 **[mamashark]** : no worries

 **[mamashark]** : but that’s not why I’m texting

 **[babyshark]** : whats up? did smth happen?

 **[babyshark]** : or r u just dancing ard it again? :D

 **[mamashark]** : dancing

 **[mamashark]** : but here comes nothing

 **[mamashark]** : you know, back in January when you came over to mine one night

 **[mamashark]** : and i was drinking alone…

 **[babyshark]** : go on, im here

 **[mamashark]** : i dont want to get broken like that again

 **[mamashark]** : do you think i should talk to hyunwoo?

 **[mamashark]** : im not sure about it, kinda want to, kinda not

 **[babyshark]** : ki, imo u should, but im not going to tell u to do it, bcs first of all u need to be sure that u want to do it

 **[babyshark]** : u have had this crush for years now

 **[babyshark]** : my guess is that if ur feelings have gone on for years like this

 **[babyshark]** : its not a crush anymore

 **[babyshark]** : but as i said

 **[babyshark]** : u have to be the one who wants to change smth

 **[babyshark]** : the only way that I can help u rn is to support the shit out of u no matter which way it works out

 **[mamashark]** : well that wasnt as helpful as i hoped

 **[mamashark]** : but i get what youre saying

 **[mamashark]** : and this whole monologue of yours convinced me that i want to talk to him about it

 **[mamashark]** : either it works out

 **[mamashark]** : or it doesnt and i ruin our friendship

 **[mamashark]** : eitherway, its not a bad idea to finally talk about it

 **[babyshark]** : im so fckn happy u have reached this conclusion ki <3

 **[babyshark]** : SO FCKN HAPPYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

I decided to not take my inhaler as I was running rather low on my last bottle and I needed to survive tomorrow’s lunch at Min and Ki’s, where we agreed to have the last movie day before end-of-year exams, this time it was my turn to pick a movie and I was pretty damn excited about what I’d chosen.

Not taking the meds resulted in me lightly coughing here and there as I moved around the room and then when I came to Hyunwoo’s it was pretty much the same.

“Oooh, you cleaned?” I ask Hyunwoo without saying hello, when I enter his room.

“Yeah, unlike you, I bet,” he mocks me back.

“Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave like it’s funny, my friend,” I stop mid-motion of taking my shoes off.

“Joke, Hanna. Joke,” he softly grabs my shoulders and pushes me to go sit on his bed while he takes a seat on the chair at his small study desk.

“So what’s on your mind,” I decide it’s better to get straight to the point.

Hyunwoo sighs and his shoulders sink a little bit. “I know, what you told Kihyun - you’re a little bothered by me trying to spend a lot of time with you, for which I’m not going to say sorry, because I’m not. It’s not the fact that I’m afraid you’re going to be gone soon, it’s more that I’m trying real hard to find out, who the guy is, because I want to somehow help you to the best of my ability. And it’s been eating me ever since you told me about the Hanahaki. Hanna, please tell me, who it is.” Not gonna lie, Hyunwoo looks pretty desperate.

“You’d talk to him and try to convince him. But we both very well know Hanahaki doesn’t go away with fake love. Or friendship.”

“Okay, I won’t tell then. You do know you can trust my word in anything. I just want to know. To protect you in case something happens,” he gazes into my eyes sincerely and I cannot help but sway away from my resolve to never tell.

“Fine,” I sigh heavily and cough lightly. My mind goes away for a moment thinking about all the times Hyunwoo was the protective big brother that has always been by my side, never disappointing, never betraying, just humbly staying by the side of those, who he trusted and who decided to trust him. Just like me. “But if you tell him, or someone else, I will kill you.”

“I take that,” he accepts my thread.

“Im Changkyun,” I say softly and quietly. A cough follows.

For a while Hyunwoo is very taken aback.

“Hanna…”

“Seriously, you can’t tell him. I know we all are very good friends, best friends even. But no one can know. Please.

“Hanna,” he sighs. “You know that these guys are my best friends and I know that I would have been nowhere without them. But I could never, never ever betray you, my oldest and most precious friend, who has been there pretty much my whole entire life. If you ask me not to tell, I will keep it to myself. There is no way in hell that when it comes to serious things I would ever do anything to go against you. I love you too much to do that.”

“So you’ll help me keep the secret safe?” I looked him straight in the eye, tears lacing my own.

“It’s your story to tell and I’m grateful to be the only person you told.”

“And I’m grateful, you’re the only person, who knows. Without you, I’d never be anywhere.”

We both sit in silence for a while not looking at each other, both lost in our thoughts and both processing the information and emotions that have risen up during our talk.

And suddenly I feel like talking. “Hyunwoo, you know what it the worst thing about this whole thing?”

“Enlighten me,” he says with a smirk expecting me to joke about something, like I tend to do most of the time.

“I looked at him as a friend before I realized I loved him. And had it not been for the Hanahaki I would probably never realized I had fallen for him. Because falling for him wasn’t falling at all, it was like walking into a house and suddenly knowing you’re home.”

All the sentiment starts to weigh my lungs down and I feel a pretty harsh coughing fit rising up from my lungs. I begin to regret my choice of not taking the inhaler with me to Hyunwoo’s but I suppose it’s for the best now.

I sit back on Hyunwoo’s bed and motion to show him what is going to happen without having to tell him. I am amazed that from one hand sway he realizes what’s going on and quickly settles next to me on the bed and takes me into a tight hug to absorb some of the tremors that start shaking my body throughout. I hate that he has to see me like this and apologize in between coughs, which is always only waved off or dismissed with a single compassionate hum.

We half sit, half lie on his bed propped up on pillows for at least 15 minutes and I feel terrible for using my best friend like this. I finally calm down a bit and apologize again.

“Stop already,” he tells me sternly. “And don’t you dare feel guilty about me caring about you.”

“Are you reading my mind?” I ask him and sit up slowly. My stomach hurt from a long period of coughing.

“I just know you, that’s all,” he shrugs it off. “But I have another question that is kind of pressing me.”

“Is it the one about Ki that you have used to drag me here. You know very well I came under the impression you’re going to talk to me about Yoo Kihyun.”

“Yeah. It’s about him.”

“So let’s stop talking about non-sense and let’s get down to business,” I clasp my hands. _Matchmaking office hours opened, children._

“When you think of Changkyun, why do you think it’s him?”

At first I wanted to exclaim something along the lines of ‘come on, let’s talk about Kihyun!’ but then I realized it was about Kihyun. Hyunwoo just didn’t really know how to ask a question like that.

So after I give it a thought, I think I manage to answer one of the most difficult question in the world (in my humble opinion).

“You know, when you’re younger, a kid even, you’re given all these opinions and ideas about what love is. Some grand confessions, beautiful bouquets of flowers with no special occasion, random expensive gifts, no arguments only sweet romantic words said to one another. All these amazing ideals coming from books and movies because as a child you don’t know what love is of course, you’ve never been in one. It’s all rainbows and unicorns. But with Changkyun, I realized that’s not what love is, at least not to me. Love is about the mundane things. The stuff that happens every day like drinking coffee, studying in the library, listening to music, talking about nothing and everything at the same time, laughing at random jokes - just stuff like that. I understood with him that love is also just… being _there_ , you know. Sometimes it’s just sitting in silence because you don’t need to talk… because you just feel it. And it’s the feeling of belonging, not _to_ the person but _to the same place_ of that person, if that makes any sense at all. I can’t really explain it. I also think it’s different for everyone. But I mainly see love in the small things rather than in the big things that are often the center of attention. But love is what you make it to be - sweet and romantic or strong and yet an everyday thing or it can be painful and unrequited. And honestly, Hyunwoo, for once in your life… go for something that you want! Don’t be shy and just do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for leaving this chapter kind of in the middle, but I actually love how it ends, so... that's what you get XD <3 So I think you can guess now what is going to happen to Showki? *hihihi* Are they gonna finally grow a pair and talk it out? Do you like Hanna's answer to what love means? Even though we all know 'love means...' 'love means coming back.' (*author sniffs a little bit 'seven forever')
> 
> What do you think of the 25th chapter? Share it with me please ^^
> 
> In the next one, it is study week before the final exams... and it's more about other people than Hanna. There will be development with Kihyun, so yeah...
> 
> As always I hoped you liked the chapter and will hare your thoughts on it with me. Please take care of yourself and stay healthy. See you next time!!! ~(￣▽￣)~*


	26. Fried Chicken Is the Answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The single most hated week of the gang is back - study week. And it's the one before the final exams! This chapter is a little more character oriented and reveals some stuff that goes on in others' lives, not just Hanna's.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it! ^^

**~STUDY WEEK BEFORE FINALS, BEGINNING OF JUNE - 2ND YEAR AT UNI~**

I strongly believe I have mentioned the fact I hate study weeks. Like _hate_ hate them. Second year at uni has been a roller coaster of everything and I mean it when I say it. It was a never ending whirlwind of stuff that I wished to live through as a university student. During my high school times with Kihyun and Minhyuk we would sometimes day dream about how we would be at university.

Minhyuk would always say that he would have tons of friends and meet a lot of new people on the daily. I’m not sure if the latter part is still true because the last time I checked he hated meeting new people from Sunday to Thursday and his ‘office hours’, for the lack of better word, were opened from Friday to Saturday only. I think it’s a phase and he will eventually get over it, however lately he’s been swimming in some stuff - frankly, a lot of the mess he’s created for himself though and the only two ways any of us were able to help him was to: a.) _listen to him rant_ , which could sometimes stretch for a couple of hours too and in these last two weeks none of us actually had time for that, except me since I couldn’t sleep due to that ridiculously stupid flower, so I listened to Min rant and then went to study instead of sleeping until I fell asleep at my desk on top of my books, only to wake up couple of hours later completely beaten to go to the pool, lecture or library. And b.) _cover for him_ when some of his friend/wannabe crush/ex-friend with benefits/potential friend with benefits/classmate/anyone really except someone from the gang was looking for him to hang out/talk/fuck/all of the above. Funnily enough, I was always the first contacted person by any of these people with all the possible and impossible imaginable combinations. Math and combinations were never really my cup of tea, so please refer to text books about how many combinations there are, thank you very much... Minhyuk was on the verge of burning out and we all wanted to help, everyone tried but the only ones Minhyuk has allowed to come close to him was Kihyun and me since we knew about his past. And poor Kihyun was drowning in problems of his own, too.

Kihyun on the other hand has always thought that by the time he goes to uni he would grow taller and his hamster cheeks would firm up and stop being so squishy... well, guess what… that didn’t happen. Not that Ki wasn’t disappointed by the turn out of events but we all knew, including him, that he had wished upon a falling star. Kihyun has always dreamed of performing arts too, but in the end he chose to do something with nutrition, because his pre-performance anxiety got the best out of him; and his down to God amazing vocals were left for occasional karaoke and I have always and, until the day I die, will scold him for it. Kihyun has one of the most beautiful and angelic voices I have ever heard and when he sings he does so from the bottom of his heart with tremendous endless passion. But as I have mentioned before, he’s struggling. So many things run around in his mind that I’m actually worried about his sanity _and_ the health of his liver. Only last week I got two calls from him, 20 minutes after we came back from a fairly late session in the library, that he doesn’t want to drink alone again. _Those nights were tough_ and I didn’t go back to my room until morning before lecture to change my clothes. And as a result of me spending the night at Kihyun’s (with the help of a shit ton of my inhaler) I dozed off during the lecture. He never talked about what was going on in his mind and I knew better than to pressure him. Kihyun is the type of person, who needs to sort everything out in his mind first before he decides to tell someone about stuff like this; compared to Minhyuk, who makes sense of it as he talks. Their minds are so different and yet they think so similarly. I just wished for Kihyun to finally come to terms with his brain and open up about it, so I can try to help.

And the almost worst thing about this study week is my cough. It’s getting worse and worse, even though I barely cough when I’m at the pool; however, the moment I step in the library it’s like mayhem. Thankfully I managed to convince Hyunwoo to go study to silent area like he usually does because on the first day right away he was distracted by everything and therefore disturbing all of us by it. Once I mentioned the fact he didn’t really want to fail any exam, he quickly understood and moved two floors up. The fact that Hoseok and sometimes Hyungwon were sitting there with Kihyun and me and occasionally Minhyuk was calming enough for him

Did I mention how surprised Hyunwoo was when he found out that Hoseok and Won knew about my Hanahaki? He almost choked on his post workout BCAA drink when Won came to pick up Hoseok from practice while also bringing me my prescription inhalers that I begged him to pick up from the pharmacy for me. He _so casually_ handed them to me in front of Hyunwoo. It was really funny, let me tell you that much.

Wednesday morning was so painful, though. First swimming and then Hoseok and I joined Kihyun, Minhyuk in the library.

“Morning,” I greet my two high school friends with a raspy voice caused by the gallon of chlorine water I drank today during the brutal butterfly set.

“Hey,” Minhyuk says tiredly and I smile back at him when he looks up. Kihyun already has his headphones in, so it’s pointless to try to tell him something.

“What are you working on today, Min?” Hoseok asks him as he’s setting up his study station with books, notes and snacks.

“Same old story... my essay on Frida Kahlo’s symbolicism. Maaan, if I don’t finish it today I will probably kill myself.”

“How?” I question him trying to taking his mind off the difficult stuff.

“Uhm, I don’t know. Maybe I could overdose myself on caffeine. How much coffee is that?”

“More than you can drink,” I answer with a smile. “But I can imagine worse ways to go.”

“True,” Hoseok agrees with me.

“Shame,” he goes back to whatever he was typing into his computer while reading something from a big fat book.

“Also true,” Hoseok agrees with Min. I grin and look back to my books too.

Minhyuk has triumphantly left around lunch after finishing the writing of his essay up to the word count that was acceptable and said he would finish the editing, formatting and bibliography tomorrow morning. He needed to go back to painting and he suddenly got inspiration for one of the commissions he’s been postponing for a while now.

Hyungwon came to change guards with him to work on the written part of his audio essay only a couple minutes after Minhyuk left. Basically what he had to do was pick an artist and analyze his style compared to Hyungwon’s own as a music composer and producer and describe his creative choices and how they differ from the artist and how they’re similar, also he had to use literature to support his claims. After he’s picked the artist and analyzed him/her then he had to write the essay, which he would then record in the studio and mix it together with samples of the music. Then when the deadline came, he had to submit an mp3 file along with a pdf file of what he said (the written essay) with bibliography and proper credits and annotations.

I was starting to think medicine was easy. Honestly.

At some point in the afternoon when Hoseok and Hyungwon convinced Kihyun and me to stop cramming for half an hour and go join them in the café for a much needed caffeine dosage, I noticed Kihyun being much sadder than usual.

“Ki, what’s going on? You don’t look like yourself,” I leaned closer trying to talk to him privately but I think Hoseok heard me too.

“I just…” he sighs. “I haven’t talked to Hyunwoo yet and it bothers me, but at the same time this is the worst possible time to talk about stuff like that as well. We’re both super swarmed with uni stuff and he also has the short distance summer Champs coming up in July and I really don’t want to bother or distract him. Plus right now, I can’t afford to get myself diverted from studying because I’m actually not doing as well in the nutrition class as I thought I did.”

“So you’re going to let him slip away again? Are you kidding me?” I groan out in exasperation. “Do you want to completely destroy your liver of what?”

“No, of course I don’t.”

“Well, then, fucking man up, Ki. Grow a little taller, for God’s sake,” I grab his forearm harshly and shake him vigorously because his eyes started to drift away again. Hopeless, I turn my eyes to Hoseok, silently asking for some psychological support.

“Ki, why is your mind wandering this way? Do you think you know the reason for your thoughts?” he grasped the straw I was holding out for him.

“What do you mean?” Kihyun gazes at him confused.

“Well, I want to help you try to comprehend your thoughts, so you don’t have a hard time figuring out things later,” Hoseok explains and both Hyungwon and I start to listen intently.

“Honestly,” Kihyun sighs deeply. “I have had a crush on Hyunwoo for years now and these days, ever since Halloween, I want to be closer to him and want to be more than friends but I get the whiff that he doesn’t. And for the love of all what’s dear to me, I don’t want to destroy the friendship the two of us have _and_ I don’t want to make things awkward for anyone in the group.” Kihyun’s shoulders slump and he pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes probably to push some stray tears back. I swallow a cough.

“Kihyun,” Hyungwon reaches for his other hand and gives it a compassionate squeeze. “Even if the things between you and Hyunwoo don’t work out, no one and I mean _no one_ would ever cast you away from the group. And if anyone tried, I’d _fight_ them.”

“Stealing my words again, Wonnie?” I smirked at him and he mirrored my expression. This actually made Ki smile a little.

“You know,” Hoseok begins a new explanation. “A crush on a person only lasts no more than 8 months, if your feelings continue past this threshold, it’s actually love. And from what I know about love, it’s always worth fighting for it.” With the last sentence his eyes jump from Kihyun to me, gazing deeply into my own. I realize that statement was meant for both of us.

“Why do you guys look so down?” a deep and so familiar voice comes from behind me and I turn to see Changkyun. He drops his bag beside me and sits down. “Something happened?”

“Kihyun finally told me he’s going to confess to Hyunwoo, but he’s stalling like the scaredy cat he is,” I reply and dare not to breathe deeply. “Did you eat?”

“Not yet, not very hungry to be honest,” he replies to me first and then turns to Kihyun. “Confess to Hyunwoo? You have feelings for him?”

Hyungwon shoots him a glare. “Changkyun… I know Kihyun for as long as you do and I’ve noticed almost instantly that there is something, it was pretty obvious. How are you so dense?”

“Wonnie,” Hosoek whispers loudly on purpose so everyone can hear. “He dated Minhee.”

“Ahhh, I totally forgot about her,” Hyungwon facepalms and I laugh shortly and break into long held off cough. I bend towards my bag to hastily search through for my inhaler in desperation. I didn’t want anyone to see me, especially not Ki and Kyun. Kihyun because he would only scold me again with ‘I’ve told you a million times to go see a doctor’ and Kyun because ‘I thought you already got better, did you not go to the doctor?,’ or something along these lines.

When I finally find that darn little thing in my massive backpack Hoseok is already animatedly talking about something that has happened the other day at diving practice, which was a very effective distraction for both Kihyun and Changkyun from whatever I was doing, since both of them were watching him attentively explain how one of his teammates totally wrecked himself when he plopped onto the water from the 5m tower. It would have been a funny story, had I not heard it 5 times this week already. He found it extremely funny and even though I’ve heard it already I always find fascinating how Hoseok talks when he talks about stuff he finds amusing.

I manage to sneak in an inhale unnoticed and go back to the conversation that is much more light-hearted and even makes Kihyun smile along exhausted looking Changkyun.

Kyun seems very tired and a little bit of ‘barely hanging in there, but I’m gon make it’ feel seeps from him. I really want to ask about how he’s doing but that would be just weird because we only talk about stuff like this when I’m at the studio with him.

“Guys, I have to go back,” Kihyun says looking at his watch. “There is so much I have to cram in.”

“Yeah, I’ll go with,” Hoseok stands up to join him.

I start packing my unfinished meal and get stabbed by Kihyun’s glare. “You’re staying to finish your food, you’ve already lost a lot of weight during that pneumonia in the first place. And now you seem like you’re eating less than ever.”

“I’m just not very hungry these days,” I reply truthfully.

“Well, I’m no nutritionist, but even I know you have to eat, Han,” Hyungwon agrees with Kihyun.

“Finish the food and then come back to library if you need to,” Kihyun orders me and I tuck my imaginary tail between my leg and lay my ears flat. _Jesus, he can be more intimidating than my mom, when he acts like my mom._ “Changkyun, make sure she finishes the food.”

“’Kay, I want to buy a sandwich anyway, so I might just eat with,” he nods his head and pull out his wallet. I decide to unpack my lunch box again and just comply with Kihyun’s desires to make me well fed. Honestly it would just be pointless to argue about it. He would win the argument anyways. “Do you want anything?”

“Not really, thanks,” I tell Kyun.

And I’m left alone, panicking.

When Changkyun comes back I’m silently eating and chuckling under my breath on swimming memes. Honestly, unless I show them to Hyunwoo, no one finds them funny. But they’re damn hilarious alright. I remember the last time I stumbled upon a really funny one and went around showing the gang looked at me as if I was a lune. I tried the second time and then I gave up and saved them for Hyunwoo and me.

Frankly, I was using my feed on instagram as a distraction from Changkyun. I couldn’t bear to be with next to him right now. It wasn’t because of the Hanahaki at all, on the contrary, when I was near him these days I breathed a little easier. The reason was mainly the interaction between Kihyun and Hyunwoo, I felt under pressure from both sides. I really wanted them to finally say things that should have been said ages ago. At the same time, I knew I could be the one saying things, but I just felt it wouldn’t be right because simply I believed in figuring things like these on your own, telling your own stories rather than have people tell them for you, if they’re to be sincere.

“You’re awfully quiet today,” Kyun remarks.

“Yeah,” I shrug. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“A penny for your thought?”

“You’d go broke, my friend.”

“Can’t become something I already am,” he smirks.

“True.”

“Wow… and here I thought you’d be on my side,” he snickers.

“Always,” I say sarcastically. “In sickness, in health and definitely during the wealth."

He laughs but gets serious right after. “So what’s up with you lately?”

“Didn’t you just ask and I replied?”

“Huh, thought I distracted you enough to tell me. Guess I’m not that smart, eh?”

“Not smarter than me, you know. I’m the science student here,” I boast off with fake pride.

“True.”

“But you look like something’s bothering you too,” I poke him with my elbow. “Tell your dear friend what’s on your mind.”

“Jooheon, mainly. He came to me the other day saying he, at last, wants to confess to Minhyuk. That was last week on Tuesday and every day since then he’s come to me saying he chickened out. One day he came so happy and I was like ‘did you finally do it?’ and he was like ‘nah, but I got crispy fried chicken’ and pulled out a fresh bag of the crispy fried chicken from the place opposite the dorms we always go to pick up. Dude, as if fried chicken fixed him being a fucking chicken. He’s giving me a headache,” he shoves the second half of the sandwich into his mouth and his cheeks bubble up a he chews.

“I think it’s just the way Heoney does things. Have a little sympathy with him, Kyunnie. He’s had his heart broken before… guess he’s just trying to protect himself,” I reason with him.

“Yeah, I know. But… what about that cough of yours?” he switches the flow of he conversation and for a split moment I’m taken aback.

“Ummm, it’s okay. I’m living.” _That’s not a lie._

“Inhalers can work magic, right?” he winks at me and smirks teasingly. At that point in my life I want to kill myself, because my heart starts beating so fast and loud that I’m sure he hears it or sees the heartbeat on carotid artery.

 _I swear to God, I want to die right now_. Whoever has ever said that you get butterflies in your stomach was a big fat liar. You get the heartbeat of a hummingbird that sounds like the stomping of an elephant.

I try to quickly recover and put on my ‘stupid Hanna’ face. “What do you mean?”

“C’mon, you really think that after years of knowing Hoseok, I don’t know his distraction stories?” he laughs and I feel assaulted. Give me break, will you, heart?

“Ah, yeah. It’s asthma,” I try an old trick with a new facing hoping Changkyun would drop it.

“And you’re still swimming your regular practices?” Kyun squints his eyes, totally knowing I’m bullshitting him. What a tough cookie to fool.

“Uhhhmmmm…”

“Look, Hanna, if you don’t wanna tell me, don’t tell me. But know that I’m offended.”

_Great. Juuuuuust great..._

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell _you_ … I don’t want to tell anyone,” I tell him the truth quietly hoping I wouldn’t have to repeat myself.

“But Hoseok knows?” he looks offended.

“Well, not everything.” _That’s also not a lie_. “He just knows I’m trying to cover it from Ki… mainly.”

“Okay, well… if you need me, I’m here,” he says and my heart suddenly slows down to a normal heartbeat but my lungs feel heavier. I really want to take a deep breath but I know if I do petals would come out in this one.

So instead I just smile. “I’ll take you up on that offer this week for sure. I’ll need a studio session therapy.”

He laughs shortly and puts on a cheeky smile. “So you just want to sleep.”

I shrug and we laugh, sitting together in the café underneath the library for good 2 hours more talking about whatever comes our way. I enjoy these moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun is going through a very rough period - how much longer will it take him until he finally takes up the courage to tell Hyunwoo about his feelings? And Jooheon? I mean, really, he chicken out again! *facepalm* And isn't Hanna just such a liar when she claims to be brutally honest? *gah*
> 
> What are you thoughts on this chapter? Please share them with me. <3 <3 (❁´◡`❁)
> 
> Next time the gang celebrates the end of the year, and someone swears to never drink again! One relationship takes a serious turning point. Who is it going to be? What's going to happen? 
> 
> I know I say it all the time, but I'm really hope you enjoyed and I hope you're taking care of yourself. ^^ See you next time! <3


	27. Total Eclipse of the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this was a fast update ^_^' this chapter was so easy to write but also not so easy, you'll see for yourselves after all.
> 
> The gang celebrates the end of the school year and a good party cannot be skipped of course and we peak into the life of one Lee Minhyuk.
> 
> Also the title of the chapter is one of my all time favorite heartbreak songs - so please give it a listen, I’m sure you know it, it’s and oldie but a goldie ^^ <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcOxhH8N3Bo
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this one ^^ After all it was expected and it came just in the right time <3

**~AFTER FINAL EXAMS, END OF JUNE - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

<Minhyuk POV>

“I swear I’m not drinking again,” Minhyuk groans out before he even opens his eyes. He doesn’t even really dare to due to the sun flowing in through the windows of the room, which he is almost sure is not his own. Because why in the world would he ever end up in his own room after great night of partying when last night he met the cutest girl in the world, who turned out to have a serious talent for giving heads. _And man, was she ever good at them!_

Minhyuk loved the fact that his sexuality didn’t restrict him to one gender, he’s always loved it and enjoyed the hell out of it. He also used his good looks and cheerful personality to his fair advantage these days, but it hasn’t been like that always. There were times in the past when all he wanted was to be left alone by the world, but thankfully those two (Kihyun and Hanna) never left him alone and look at where he’s at now.

Well, maybe don’t look right _right now_ but you know what it means.

He rolled over to his side and found out the bed he’s been sleeping on is rather large and also that he was missing all of his clothes. Must’ve been some night if the girl managed to get all of his clothes off.

Somewhere across the room Minhyuk heard his phone go off in 3 notifications, which usually meant after a night of celebrations it can only be the gang. _Last year was crazy, now let’s see where the others ended up_ , Minhyuk thought to himself.

He slowly opened his eyes only to shut them back tightly for a moment, the light being very bright to his very tired eyes. He bet whatever cash had left in his wallet that they were as red as tomatoes - that usually happened after spending a night somewhere around people, who smoke cigarettes. Minhyuk’s eyes have always been very sensitive to cigarette smoke.

However he knew very well he had to get up at some point and this might just be the best chance to get up anyway. Trying to open his eyes again and succeeding this time around Minhyuk also took the opportunity to look around the room. It was almost strangely decorated, but mainly it was not decorated at all. It was large and mainly empty. There was no closet, just hanger racks with clothes hanging on them; the walls were also not painted, the cement exposed walls looked quite beautiful and not to mention - there was no bed, just a massive mattress lying on the floor. In the very back corner there was a big but simple full length mirror with a couple of shelfs hung on the wall next to it, where make up, skin and hair care stuff was laid across neatly.

Minhyuk’s mind didn’t forget to think that all of it together looks very design and very expensive. His phone noted another notification. So Minhyuk slowly and somewhat painfully got himself off the mattress and onto his feet and padded over to where his pants laid on the floor from last night. After reaching into his pocket he pulled out his phone.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[HungryBear]** : i wonder

 **[HungryBear]** : who is af fckd up as me???

 **[happybunny]** : u cannot actually be, if u r up this early

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : true, its just past lunch

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : how r u up this early???

 **[onehanna]** : swimmers body ppl

 **[onehanna]** : it just wakes u up

 **[onehanna]** : probs our regen is better than urs :D

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : yeah

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i guess my liver is out of service as of today

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : where r u guys????

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : bcs i swear to god i have no idea

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : but i like the place ^^

 **[HungryBear]** : i would be surprised if u didnt

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : meaning what nu?

 **[HungryBear]** : the girl you left with last night looked rich

 **[onehanna]** : oh yeah, she did

 **[onehanna]** : so u r at hers

 **[onehanna]** : cool

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : this doesnt answer my question tho

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : where r all of u guys?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : im at kyuns

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : and the reason he is not in the chat rn is very much explained by the heaving sounds coming from the bathroom

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : he sounds like hes gon die soon lmao

 **[onehanna]** : oh poor kyun

 **[onehanna]** : he always drinks so much and looks fine

 **[onehanna]** : and then out of nowhere *snap* and he throws up

 **[onehanna]** : like a switch flip

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : others??

 **[HungryBear]** : im at yours min

 **[HungryBear]** : as always

 **[HungryBear]** : dont ask how or why

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : im at hannas

 **[happybunny]** : me too

 **[happybunny]** : safe and sound both of us

 **[onehanna]** : omg

 **[onehanna]** : did u guys fuck in bed????

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : no

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : sorry to disappoint ^^

 **[happybunny]** : but we can now, if u want <3

 **[onehanna]** : DONT U FCKING DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : dw, hoseok would first need to brush his teeth

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : I cant even kiss him now -_-

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : lol

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : that must be disappointing hoseok :DDDDDDD

 **[HungryBear]** : I bet… XD

 **[HungryBear]** : but hanna if theyre at yours

 **[HungryBear]** : where are you?

 **[onehanna]** : a café

 **[onehanna]** : i met a friend in the morning omw home and started chatting w her

 **[onehanna]** : she works in this 24/7 café near uni, so i went for coffee and brekkie ^^

 **[happybunny]** : im hungry too, lets meet hanna there!!!

 **[HungryBear]** : not opposing :)

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : share location

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : ill get dressed and head out

 **[onehanna]** : *shares a location*

 **[onehanna]** : cool, meet u guys here ^^

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : guys…

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : weird question

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : but has anyone noticed ki never answered???

Minhyuk smirked to himself and actually wondered where his best friend ended up and how come he wasn’t up yet. Maybe he was somewhere and his phone died. Who knew? Anything could have happened, he was Yoo Kihyun after all. Minhyuk had full faith in Kihyun’s destiny. He was the mother of the group after all - he would turn up eventually.

The door of the room opened as Minhyuk was tightening the belt on his pleather pants that he now regretted wearing, since it looked like he was going to burn alive in them outside. It was not very warm last night but he should have checked out the next day’s weather rather than his ass in the mirror. _Oh well, at least I looked good last night_.

“Oh, you’re up,” the girl who walked in greeted him surprised. She had doe-like eyes that had a very innocent look to them but also had a mischievous sparkle. A memory of last night flashed through Minhyuk’s mind. One of a girl that stood right in front of him, but in the memory she had been on her knees in front of him as he had been leaning against a door frame, one of his hands in tangled in her hair guiding her head as she was sucking him probably like no one has ever done so before. She was looking up at him frequently, making herself even more irresistible with those eyes while her mouth was around him. She was godly.

“Yeah,” Minhyuk smirked at her, his shirtless chest bathed in the sunlight coming from the huge windows.

“Are you rushing out?” she asked with a tempting tone to her voice.

“I was,” he quirked a brow, the corners of his mouth moved up even more.

“Well, if you have a couple minutes to spare…” she didn’t finish her sentence but her eyes darted to Minhyuk’s clothed crotch and she bit her lip sensually.

Minhyuk raked one of his hands through his hair. “Come here.”

And she did, making Minhyuk not even a little sorry for being late to meet his friends in the café.

Again, Minhyuk was putting on his pleather pants (for the second time in the last 15 minutes) and the girl was staring at him while sitting on the mattress.

“You know, I don’t even remember your name,” she admitted while watching him get dressed.

“I have to say, me neither,” Minhyuk told her truthfully.

“’Kay, let’s kee it that way,” she suggested and Minhyuk nods contently. He was secretely hoping for that.

“But I have to say and trust me I don’t say this often… best blowjobs in my life,” Minhyuk gave her a compliment and she smiled sweetly.

“Well, it’s not like I protest.”

Minhyuk huffed a little bit fumbling with his black t-shirt trying to find the right way to put it on.

“By the way,” she spoke again. “I have a pair of short sweats in the closet that were left here one time my brother slept over. Do you want them?”

“Wouldn’t be able to return them,” Min refused at first.

“Meh, they’re not mine anyway.”

When Minhyuk arrived at the café he was surprised he was by far not the last. Jooheon and Changkyun were not there yet. But what did shock Minhyuk was Kihyun sitting next to Hanna, who was sleeping on his shoulder pretty soundly. It must have finally dawned on her that she hasn’t slept for about 36 hours at that point.

“I see you read the chat, Ki,” Minhyuk came in and sat without greeting anyone. That was just how they usually do it anyways.

“Yeah, my phone was off, that’s all. I woke up in our room, pretty fresh. I didn’t drink a lot last night,” Kihyun said nonchalantly.

Hyungwon leaned into Minhyuk with a smirk plastered on his face. “Where did you get pants?”

“She gave them to me,” Minhyuk replied as he looked over the coffee menu on the wall.

“ _She_?” Hoseok questions.

“She. I don’t know her name or her number. Just have to say… Best. Blowjobs. In. My. Life. Period.”

“A little TMI for this stage of hangover,” Chankgyun said ironically from behind Minhyuk. He looked wrecked and Jooheon next to him seemed like he kinda wanted to cry, kinda kill Minhyuk and kinda just walk out right this moment.

“’Kay whatever,” Minhyuk shrugged it off and returned to the coffee menu. The group started to talk about the strategies of moving out of the dorms this year, which had to be tomorrow morning.

**~MID-JULY, 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

It’s been a little bit of a weird summer this one so far. Hanna had planned some festivals but she never talked about them, almost as if she wanted to go to them alone or with Hyunwoo. Lately the two have been spending a lot of time together. Not like they haven’t been doing that before, but it almost looked like they had a secret they didn’t want to share with the others. It was a little painful to see and it Minhyuk felt like Hanna was distancing herself from the group. But Changkyun in particular. It’s true she called Minhyuk to come to the Electronic Open Sky Festival happening over the weekend but Minhyuk somehow just didn’t feel like festivals this year.

So he hit up a couple of other friends and went out with them the other day and today he was supposed to meet for dinner with Hosoek, Hyungwon and Jooheon.

“I really hope you guys are not going to be all touchy-feely tonight again,” Jooheon remarked at the couple at the table.

“Aren’t you just jealous?” Hyungwon squinted his eyes at him.

“Me? Jealous of you? Oh, bless your delusional heart, my friend,” Jooheon laughed at him bitterly.

The dinner went well, the four of them talked a lot about stuff going on in the world and some other random stuff but when the end of the dinner came, Hoseok and Hyungwon just claimed being tired and wanting to go home early. Both Minhyuk and Jooheon called them out on just wanting to go home to have sex.

The couple never said they were wrong.

“So I guess it’s just the two of us,” Jooheon said uneasily. “Do you want to grab a beer somewhere? I don’t feel like going home yet.”

“Me neither. Let’s go.” Minhyuk hooked one of his arms into Jooheon’s and drags him to the closest bar.

Minhyuk had no idea how it had happened and also how he had allowed it to happen but at the same time he had absolutely no will to protest when Jooheon pushed him against the wall of his apartment. His parents went away on holiday, leaving the place to Jooheon for more than 3 weeks.

Pushed up against the wall, Jooheon kissed Minhyuk fervently, showing an unending thirst for the other. Minhyuk responded very quickly and put his own hunger to the kiss, the hunger to spend the night with someone. The nights spent with Jooheon earlier this year have been the cause of many sleepless nights and day dreams to Minhyuk’s easily distracted mind.

“I have been wanting to do this for months,” Jooheon confessed just a split second before sucking rather harshly beneath Minhyuk’s ear, just behind the jaw. He earned a deep lustful moan from Minhyuk and kept on going against the same spot until he’s sure there would be a mark soon. Minhyuk responded to pushing his finger into the skin on Jooheon’s hips harshly and in the same motion pulling his hips even closer to his own.

Minhyuk was so sure this was such a bad idea, but no good stories ever came out of doing nothing and eating salad - this time at least he was not too drunk to remember all the details. The two already knew each other fairly well, so Minhyuk supposed this would be a very enjoyable a pleasant night. Truth was he could imagine worse past times. And with worse people.

“Let’s move this to the bed then,” Minhyuk managed to get out in between hearty sounds of pleasure.

The morning came a little too soon considering that the night had rather restless. Minhyuk mind wandered off to what happened last night and when he opened his eyes he saw Jooheon on the other side of the bed. It was another good one. Both of them had burning insatiable hunger inside of them and only the lack of energy in the wee light stricken hours of the summer morning have made them to finally fall asleep.

He turned to his side and fished out his phone from beneath the pillow he was lying on.

**~Private chat** between users _onehanna_ and _failing fine arts_ ~

 **[failing fine arts]** : han? r u home?

 **[onehanna]** : moms café

 **[onehanna]** : y? smth happened?

 **[failing fine arts]** : will u have time if i stop by?

 **[onehanna]** : ofc

 **[onehanna]** : im bored anyway so u’ll take at least 4hrs of my working time by talking lol

 **[failing fine arts]** : bitch

 **[failing fine arts]** : u should treat ur customers nice

 **[onehanna]** : u aint my customer

 **[failing fine arts]** : future customer

 **[onehanna]** : k, whatev

 **[onehanna]** : should i call ki too? is it one of those things?

 **[failing fine arts]** : yeah

 **[failing fine arts]** : i think so

 **[failing fine arts]** : see u there

Minhyuk didn’t wait for Hanna’s response and none came anyway. They just knew each other so well at this point usually even words were unnecessary. A sleepy groan came out of his friend lying on the other side of the bed.

“Joo, I gotta go. Hanna called me and Ki over to the café,” Minhyuk said and Jooheon groaned again, this sound sounding more frustrated than tired.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Jooheon told him seriously and rolled from his stomach to his back stretching his arms out like a cat.

“Can it wait for later? The Hanna matter seemed very pressing,” Minhyuk complained. His mind is racing though, full of excuses that he could try out just to get out of talking to Jooheon. Minhyuk supposed he know what Jooheon wanted to talk about but it was the last thing Minhyuk wanted to even discuss.

“Mmm, okay. But can we maybe talk in the afternoon?” Jooheon suggested.

Minhyuk sighed heavily at this, but he guessed he couldn’t avoid this conversation so better get it over with. “Yeah, okay. Let’s meet up in the afternoon.”

He got up off the bed and started to put on his clothes.

“4pm in the art café you found last summer?”

“Yeah, cool. See you there.”

“Are you joking?!” Kihyun shouted from the top of his lungs. Minhyuk winced a bit at the loudness of his friend’s voice and Hanna looked straight out scared of the short friend right now.

“Seriously, Min,” Hanna put her elbow on the table and then deposited her chin into her palm, her eyes looking rather sad about what Minhyuk had just told them. “You said you wouldn’t do it anymore.”

“It’s not like it’s my fault, you know,” Minhyuk tried to protect himself but already had a feeling he had no chance to protect his ground in front of Kihyun. Hanna, maybe. Kihyun, definitely not. “We had a couple of drinks. I didn’t really want to. But when I realized what was happening, he had me up against the wall and kissing me underneath my ear. You know how sensitive this spot is. I’ve told you a million times. And then he said he’s been wanting to do that for months. Was a supposed to say no to a good sex? Guys, I thought you knew me better.”

“Minhyuk, stop. Each sentence is getting sadder,” Hanna told him with indifference in her voice, but Minhyuk knew better. She was like this when she didn’t want to say any hurtful truth.

Kihyun still huffed and puffed and shot arrows at Minhyuk from across the small table at the café.

“Hanna. Say the truth. I don’t care if it hurts me,” Mihyuk dared his best friend, who had truly the tendency to say the most hurtful truths.

“Minhyuk, look, we know how you are and who you are. We all do, but what the two of us,” she motioned her hand between Kihyun and herself, “know is _why_ you’re like this.” Minhyuk suddenly realized where this is going. “Do you still want me to go on?” Minhyuk nodded, he knew he had to hear her out now. “We know that you want to keep people around you and having friendships for the sake of having them. The three of us very well know that Kihyun and I are your first friends, me a little later than Kihyun. But keeping people around you simply for the sake of not ever being alone is not something sustainable, Min. Yes, you are a socialite and love being around other people, but is it okay if you or them get hurt in the process? Because that’s what you’re doing now. I know you care about Jooheon, but maybe not in the way he cares about you. Don’t you agree? Don’t you think it’s finally time to set prioties in life and figure out, which friends you actually want around and which are not important to your life? I think you consider Jooheon important to your life, but I ask _again_ , is it the same way he looks at _your_ significance in _his_ life? Also, please stop delaying things that need to be done. You’re a good procrastinator, we all know that but some things in life are better done right away.”

Minhyuk and Kihyun stayed silent for a short moment after Hanna stopped talking, soaking in what had been said.

“Min, sorry, I think the same way,” Kihyu says softly, his rage long forgotten.

For a while Minhyuk had thought that Hanna was a fan of him and Jooheon in a relationship but he now realized that she was a good friend, who wanted for people, especially friends, to be true to each other and themselves. She didn’t want him to keep hurting Jooheon, which in the end was hurting Minhyuk, too.

“I know,” Minhyuk admitted and his eyes turned to the floor. “My mind wanders the same way, I guess I just sometimes really put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.”

“Yeah,” Kihyun agreed.

“But on the other hand, we’re all pros at something,” Minhyuk shrugs. “Hanna, for example is the perfect illustration of a procaffeinator.”

“I even think I know what that means,” Kihyun said with an amused smile on his face.

“Enlighten me, though,” Hanna asked of Minhyuk.

“It’s a person just like you that has the tendency to not start anything before having a cup of coffee,” Minhyuk smiled dearly at his friends.

Kihyun, Minhyuk and Hanna both laughed at how correct the description fitted her.

At 4pm Minyuk arrived at the café he’d agreed to meet Jooheon at, he saw Jooheon at a table in the corner and sighed heavily. _Gotta do the inevitable now._

“Hey,” Minhyuk greeted him and sat down. Jooheon pushed Minhyuk’s ice latte to him and smiled dearly. “Thank you.”

“You know, I thought about putting it off for a little bit longer after you left in the morning, thought about cancelling it today for one reason or another, but then, I guess it’s better to just say it, rather than beat around the bush forever.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Minhyuk nodded and took a sip from his latte, awaiting the unavoidable.

Jooheon sighed and finally looked up from his own coffee into Minhyuk’s eyes. “I’ve had feelings for you since pretty early on into our friendship and I had the hunch for some time now that so do you. I kinda don’t want to be… just friends.”

Minhyuk’s heart broke at Jooheon’s words because of the words he was going to say himself. “Joo,” he started off sadly. “I knew why you wanted to talk to me today and that’s why I tried to avoid it. Joo… I, uh… I’m so sorry… had you come forward couple months ago I would’ve jumped around your neck and would probably never let go… But today, and for a while now, I don’t reflect the same feelings as you. I realized it after we made up back then. To me, you’re one of my best friends, whom I’ve had some crazy good sex with, but considering how things are now… it was a crush for me, a long and strong one… but a crush nonetheless. A lustful, hungry crush that simmered out because it wasn’t backed up by the feelings of love… _I’m so so sorry,_ Jooheoney. I realize that in this very moment I’m breaking your heart, shattering it into millions of pieces, but please know this - I don’t want to lie to you, because you’re really precious to me. But you’re precious to me as a friend. I’m so sorry, Joo…” his voice trailed of in sadness and even though Minhyuk wanted to say everything that was on his heart and apologize more and more to his friend, he saw he’d said enough.

A long silence followed

A silence in which one cried many silent tears and the other’s heart silently broke out of pain for the other.

A silence in which one was hurt by hearing the truth and the other by telling the truth.

“Thank you,” Jooheon finally broke the silence. Tears were still falling down his cheeks. “Thank you for being honest with me.” More moments of silence followed, both of the men seated on opposite sides of the table had tear stained cheeks, both looked sad and both of them knew that somehow they have changed.

“I know this is probably too much to ask, Joo… but can we still be friends? I don’t want to lose a friend like you,” Minhyuk’s eyes teared up as well at the realization this might be goodbye for the two. He would hate that.

“I think… we can… eventually. Give me time to process, okay?” Jooheon said in a constricted voice.

“However long you need,” Minhyuk tried to smile at Jooheon but it was a rather sad smile. “Should I leave now?”

Jooheon just nodded and Minhyuk stood up, looking at Jooheon one last time before walking out of the café. The moment the hot air outside hit his face Minhyuk started crying; and he went to the one person he knew would understand him no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... this was a whirlwind of emotions... what do you think? Minhyuk broke Jooheon's heart and shattered it like a broken mirror and broke his own in the process.  
> How is it possible that when the gang goes out to celebrate at least one of them swears to never drink again?  
> Also don't you think Hanna is such a freaking hypocrite??? She keeps telling everyone to speak up and she herself keeps the biggest secret hidden - she is so imperfect... 
> 
> What are your thought's on this chapter. Please do share them with me <3 <3
> 
> In the next chapter, we find out who is the person Minhyuk goes to and another much awaited confrontation finally takes place. So please do do comeback to find out what happens. ^^
> 
> Please stay safe and healthy no matter where in the world you are and take care <3 until next time []~(￣▽￣)~* bye-bye <3


	28. Moms Know Best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there and welcome back to another chapter of the gang's story and today is THE DAY. This is the very awaited, much called for chapter... but first a little bit of Minhyuk moment. In any case I will not hold you in the notes for much longer... ^o^
> 
> Enjoy the chapter <3 ^^

<Minhyuk POV>

When he knocked on the door a sound of bustling person came from the inside, rushing to open the door.

“Minhyuk! Hi,” Hanna’s mom greeted him, surprised. “Oh, honey, did something happen?”

Minhyuk wiped away the tears from his cheeks for about the hundredth time in the last 30 minutes. “Hi, Mrs. Kang. Hanna’s home, right?”

“Yeah, she’s in her room… in you go, honey,” she ushered him inside.

“Thank you,” Minhyuk took his shoes off and quietly walked down the familiar hall to Hanna’s room. He entered without knocking.

<Back to Hanna POV>

When I turn around from my computer with my headphones on, I almost get a heart attack. For real, you see, I cannot say I wasn’t shocked when Minhyuk suddenly appeared in the middle of my room and with a bottle in his hand (that part wasn’t that shocking). The part that shook me to the marrow of my bones was Minhyuk’s face. He looks entirely cried out, his eyes red and puffy but now void of tears. I wonder for how long he’s been crying.

Before I get the chance to say anything, he speaks. “I broke his heart, Han.” Minhyuk sits on my bed, shoulders slumped and turns the bottle in his hands. “I broke his heart,” he repeats but his voice breaks into a sob.

I stand up from my chair and silently sit next to Min and take him into a tight hug, knowing that’s exactly what he wants and needs right now. I feel the sobs that rip through his body tremble mine as well.

“I broke his heart,” he repeats again and I feel like I can do nothing more that to hold him tight and let him cry it out. _My poor Minhyuk. Heartbroken by breaking somebody’s heart. His is truly the purest of hearts._

Min’s tears spill out of his eyes again and hit my bare shoulders. I start crying too. I start crying for Jooheon, who must be going through a massive heartbreak right now and knowing how emotional he can get, I just hope he’s okay, with someone who can console him. I cry for my best friend, who’s here, crying in my embrace and I, yet again, realize that seeing Min cry over anything else than a TV drama or a puppy on instagram shatters my heart into millions of pieces.

I don’t know for how long we sit there and crying, but I notice the door open for a moment and then close again. When I glance up, I see a tray from my mom on the floor. Minhyuk breaks his crying for a bit when he feels me move and looks in the direction I’m looking.

“I swear your mom is the best mom in the world. Are those eye masks?” he notes with a sad smile.

I stand up to pad over to the tray and pick it up to set it on my bed between me and Min. “Mom’s homemade jasmine iced tea with raspberries, the café’s crème fraiche cake and eye patches against puffiness,” I smile too and look at Min. I can’t help but laugh a little at his expression. He looks like he doesn’t know whether to start crying again over breaking Jooheon’s heart or start crying sad-happy tears because of my mom or laugh with me at the whole situation. “My mom knows what’s up for sure.”

“I love your mom,” he admits and flops on his back onto my bed.

“I love my mom, too,” I agree and before I lay next to him I carefully place the tray onto my table.

“God, I broke his heart,” Minhyuk repeats yet again, his voice breaking but he doesn’t begin to cry, thankfully. Just stays silent for long moment before speaking again in a broken voice. “I can’t believe I broke the heart of Lee Jooheon. The most soft-hearted person I know. How could I have done it?”

“Min, lying would be worse,” I assure him.

“I know, Han. And I think that too. But I’m an asshole, you know.”

“Because you told him the truth?”

“No. Because after I told him I didn’t have the same feelings for him as he does for me, I actually asked him if I’m loosing him as a friend.”

“Ouch… too soon, maybe?”

“Definitely too soon, but I couldn’t have left, Han. I couldn’t. I just simply couldn’t walk out of that café with the thought in my head that I for sure have lost a friend there.”

“So what did he say?” I ask curiously.

“That he needs time. That eventually we can be friends again.”

“Wow…” That’s the only thing I can say. I’m absolute awe of the goodness of Jooheon’s heart. You can’t find that just about anywhere around the corner. I wish everyone had a Jooheon in their lives as a friend.

“Yeah,” Minhyuk sighs and looks at me with his puffy and red eyes. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

“I supposed you were,” I deadpan and hand him an eye mask.

“I meant the bed. I’m not sleeping on the couch again,” he laughs at me.

“The hell you aren’t! I’m not sleeping on the couch either!”

“Guess, we’ll have to cuddle then, bitch,” he reaches for me and pulls me into a hug where I barely breathe. But a warm feeling spreads within me and, somehow, I’m happy to be like this with my best friend, even though he’s not exactly the happiest person in the world _right now_. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but when feelings do, really?

**~COUPLE DAYS LATER, MID-JULY - 2ND YEAR OF UNI~**

<Kihyun POV>

Kihyun loved his lazy early mornings. He fell asleep last night watching a movie on his bed. It was an interesting movie called ‘ _Tune in for Love_ ’ _( <A/N.: I highly recommend the movie>)_; but he was so tired from going swimming with Hyunwoo the previous day. He thought Hyunwoo would cut him some slack, but _no_. The guy was probably even more relentless. He’s been trying to teach Kihyun proper breaststroke for about a week now. Yesterday, it was Won and Hoseok’s biggest amusement as Hyunwoo tirelessly drilled Kihyun.

It’s all fun and games until Hoseok dragged Hyungwon to the 10 meter tower, though. Kihyun still couldn’t grasp how Hoseok could be afraid of heights and at the same time be in the national diving team thanks to his exceptional 10m events. And he literally dreamed of getting into the Red Bull High Jump events. But when they sat on the roof terrace of Hyungwon’s parents’ house during last summer, he was shit-scared out of his skin. How is that even possible?

Hyungwon came to the top of tower and looked down. It was so comical, Kihyun could see his knees shake like Shaggy's in Scooby-Doo. Both Hyunwoo and Kihyun didn’t stop laughing about it until they separated on their way home. That day Kihyun really felt like telling Hyunwoo about his feelings.

Kihyun walked over to the kitchen, a light breeze going through the apartment as windows on both sides were opened to air it, while the summer heat of the day hadn’t struck yet. His parents both have left for work about half an hour ago and left him alone to do what he wanted this summer. Just like last one. Kihyun was very happy he had earned so much trust from his parents early on in his life and now he had the freedom as a reward before he finished university and had to go to work.

He prepared breakfast and poured himself his cold brew, noticing his dad had forgotten his portion in the morning in the fridge again. He smiled at the forgetfulness of his dad and moved on with his day.

As Kihyun got out of the shower his phone rang a notification. He reached for it and opened up a message from Hyunwoo.

**~Private chat** between users _nu^^_ and _kiki~_

 **[nu^^]** : ki, r u busy today?

 **[kiki]** : not really

 **[kiki]** : thought of visiting hanna in the café today

 **[kiki]** : why? did you have something in mind?

 **[nu^^]** : well, i was wondering if we could meet but if u’re busy then lets reschedule

 **[kiki]** : im not busy, i only thought of going

 **[kiki]** : or we can go together :)

 **[nu^^]** : thats not a bad idea ^o^

 **[nu^^]** : i havent seen hanna’s mom in a while

 **[kiki]** : ok, what time do you want to meet?

 **[nu^^]** : 1pm?

 **[kiki]** : sure, see you at 1pm at the café :)

Kihyun checked the time and realized he had 30 minutes to get ready before he had to leave. “Oh, shit!” He scurried around the apartment and he was thankful that he inherited his mom’s ability to multi-task.

_What am I going to wear? Oh shit..._

Finally he decided on a white over-sized t-shirt tucked in black slim fit slacks with his black converse. Nothing special but couldn’t hurt either. He wanted to look special at first but since he spent quite the while doing his hair, he had to bet all of his chances on a classic outfit.

Kihyun left his place 5 minutes after he was supposed to, so he had to lightly jog to the subway. He just made it to the train he wanted to make it to and relaxed inside once he found a spot to sit down.

Arriving at the café felt a little like coming home - the moment he stepped over the threshold, ringing the bell over the door, Hanna’s mom was at his side like a lightning bolt and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Kihyun, I’m so happy to see you, honey. How are you doing?” she greeted him cheerfully.

“Hi, Mrs. Kang,” he smiled at her. “I’m fine. Enjoying the summer. How about you?”

“Great. Kind of happy to have Hanna working here more this summer. I get to see her more you know,” she whispered the last sentence as if she was telling Kihyun a big secret. “I wonder why she didn’t go to the festivals this year, though.”

“I'll still go, mom. At the end of the summer there’s the Final Stand Festival that I’m saving money for,” Hanna shouted from behind the counter, while working on an iced latte with the characteristic salted caramel swirl on the side of the glass. She never even lifted an eye when she talked to her mom. But Kihyun noticed how lovingly Mrs. Kang looked at his best friend - she just seemed so grateful that her daughter, who barely ever went home during the school year treating the dorms like a boarding school, was here with her now. Hanna had had a difficult past with her dad and the relationship was even worse now.

“Just one this year?” Mrs. Kang questioned her daughter surprised.

“I might be getting old,” Hanna shrugged it off and turned around. Kihyun noticed she’s stifling a cough as she was walking away from the counter to the back, probably to hide from her mom’s eyes.

 _Has the cough not stopped yet? Has she not even told her mom she was ill?_ Kihyun thought to himself but before he had the chance to ask anything, Hyunwoo entered, the bell over the door signalizing his arrival. Kihyun smiled when he saw Hyunwoo’s eyes brighten up when he noticed Kihyun standing in front of him.

“Hi, Ki. Hello, Mrs. Kang,” he greeted both of them.

Mrs. Kang’s smile was as bright as the sun at noon. “Oh, Hyunwoo, sweetie. I’m so happy to see you. Have you gotten any taller since I saw you last?”

“I doubt that,” Hyunwoo smiled shyly and Kihyun couldn’t help but stare up at him as something inside of him just grew warm. Not the uncomfortable kind of warm, but the kind that appeared when during winter you watch a movie snuggled up to your significant other.

“But I won’t hold you up any longer. I guess you came to see Hanna,” Mrs. Kang just kept on smiling.

“Nope,” Hanna suddenly appeared behind her mom. “I had no idea they were coming.” She looked at both of them with a glare that gives Kihyun serious Sherlock Holmes vibes. “What are you guys drinking?”

“Ice Americano and raspberry ice tea,” Hyunwoo said.

“You’re drinking both?” Kihyun asked him.

“Nope,” Hanna answered. “The tea is for you, dummy.” She turned around and as she was walking away she called out: “Go sit. I’ll bring it to you.”

“How did you know I didn’t want to drink coffee?” Kihyun questioned Hyunwoo when they sat down at a small round table in the corner, far out of ear-sight.

Hyunwoo just shrugged and looked up at Hanna who just brought their drinks. She looked at him and Kihyun thought he’d seen a wink, but couldn’t say for sure. Suddenly she choked a little bit and her smile was gone. Hyunwoo’s expression darkened too but she just shook her head slightly and walked away with a ‘faking it’ smile. Kihyun knew it well - he used to see it pretty often during high school. What was she hiding?

“Did you notice Hanna is ill again?” Kihyun asked Hyunwoo quickly as soon as Hanna left.

“I’m not sure, really. But Kihyun can we talk?”

 _Yes please. I want to talk to you so bad._ “Sure. What about?”

“This is really difficult for me to say, but please Ki, hear me out and please, I beg you, try to understand me, okay?” Hyunwoo gazed Kihyun dead into the eyes with desperation in his own.

“Okay. But Hyunwoo, honestly, you’re scaring me. What is going on?”

Hyunwoo sighed heavily and turned his eyes away from Kihyun before returning them to stare back at him. “I remember.”

A silence followed.

 _He can’t possibly be talking about Halloween… right?_ Kihyun thought to himself.

“I remember everything that happened on Halloween and I’m such a fucking idiot for not coming out with it sooner. I’m so sorry, Ki. I don’t know if you remember, but I had to say it now. It was gnawing at my heart to just keep silent for any longer. I…” another sigh came out of Hyunwoo, but before Kihyun had a chance to say anything he continued, “I’ve been harboring feelings for you for about 5 years and that night on Halloween is one of my fondest memories, to which I often come back to. I will understand if you want to... stop any interaction between the two of us, but just please know that I’m sorry for keeping it from you. I really just couldn't keep on going without saying it.” Hyunwoo fell silent and after a moment he turned his eyes away from Kihyun to look down at his coffee.

Just in time to miss the first tear that fell onto Kihyun’s cheek. He hadn’t even realized he started crying until the tear hit the top of his hand. He quickly wiped it away surprised.

 _Hyunwoo remembers. He remembers everything and he feel the same way I do_ , Kihyun’s thoughts ran around his mind in a buzz, but only these two standing out from the crowd. Happiness spread around his whole chest and he breathed in the air that suddenly felt a little lighter but fuller of oxygen, sweeter than ever before.

“Hyunwoo,” Kihyun said silently. Hyunwoo didn’t hear him the first time so he repeated. “Hyunwoo.” This time Hyunwoo looked up at Kihyun and the tear stained cheeks and a bright smile on Kihyun’s face made him twist his own in confusion. “I remember too,” Kihyun said and Hyunwoo’s eyes started to sparkle. “And-and that night to me was so perfect. I finally mustered up the courage to show you how I have felt about you for years and the moment our lips touched still lingers and I wish for nothing else than to feel it again. You can’t possibly imagine how I felt,” Kihyun sobbed quickly and Hyunwoo’s lips turned up in a small hopeful smile. “It was the best moment I could have hoped for. So many endless daydreams about how it would feel to finally know what your lips feel against mine.”

Hyunwoo reached his hand up tentatively towards Kihyun’s, his fingers gently grazed the top of his hand. Kihyun’s gaze turned downwards to look at their hands. He slowly turned his hand palm facing up and uncertainly curled his finger to touch Hyunwoo’s. A soft chuckle escaped Hyunwoo and Kihyun turned his attention back to his face. He giggled shortly too, suddenly turning shy.

“Kihyun, I’m so sorry,” Hyunwoo apologized again.

Kihyun shook his head. “Don’t be.”

“It took me so long finally find the courage.”

“Me too. I just didn’t want to lose you as a friend,” a single tear fell out of Kihyun’s eyes again, but he wiped it away quickly.

“They’re happy tears, right?” Hyunwoo quirked a curious brow.

“Happy and emotional. All the pent up frustration from never saying anything is finally escaping and it just turned out like this. I’m sorry about that,” he sniffled.

Their hands just kept touching, kept exploring each other, kept playing with one another, tangling and untangling from each other. It was quite the sight to admire. It was a new feeling, slow paced touch that never broke. A new, fresh, slow love. _Beautiful love_.

“You shouldn’t be sorry. We both should stop holding onto the past, except the Halloween night, of course. Let's not think about these months between Halloween and now, we both managed to hurt each other and ourselves enough.”

This made Kihyun burst out in a short laugh and his eyes turned into crescent moons showing his beautiful eye-smile that Hyunwoo just loved so much.

“That’ll be 32,95. Thank you very much.” Hanna’s voice appeared next to them out of nowhere and she handed them a receipt. She had a conspicuously stupidly content smile plastered on her face.

“Are we seriously paying for the drinks? _And that much?_ ” Kihyun asked in disbelief.

“No. It’s service fee,” she answered in a feign innocence.

“For what?” Hyunwoo looked so confused right now, like... more-than-ever-before confused.

“The _matchmaking fee_ , duh,” Hanna stared at both of them as if they were dumb. The two guys broke into full wholehearted laughter and Hanna also smiled brightly before she spoke again. “Took you two long enough, you idiots.”

She sat down contently on the third chair at the table and just continued on smiling like a total lunatic at her two friends, who have finally surpassed the friendship base.

“Wait, you knew?” both Kihyun and Hyunwoo exclaimed at the same time.

Hanna shrugged her shoulders and winks. Her facial expression just showed a simple ‘I ain’t gon tell you... but yeah, fucking hell I knew’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It happened, right? Showki are finally together, right? *kyyyaaaaaa* But isn't Hanna like the cheapest matchmaker you've ever seen? ^^ Hanna's mom is such an angel and my heart broke again along Minhyuk's...
> 
> Next time the gang goes to the beach but before that Hanna and Changkyun get philosophical...
> 
> Hope you liked it and please share your thoughts with me, I love reading your comments <3
> 
> Please stay safe and take good care of yourself no matter where in the world you are. ^^ Until next time, bye bye <3


	29. What Do You Eat at the Beach?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello and welcome back again. ^^ In the previous chapter Showki finally got together *yaaay*, but I don't actually want to get into their relationship too much in Petals of Love, because as I've previously mentioned I am thinking of giving them a short story of their own ^^ But enough of this talky-talk and let the next summer chapter begin! <3
> 
> Hope you enjoy it o(*￣▽￣*)o

**~LATE JULY - 2ND YEAR AT UNI~**

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : finally…

 **[happybunny]** : whats going on???

 **[Hungry Bear]** : are you okay?

 **[onehanna]** : okay guys…

 **[onehanna]** : time to make it official!!!

onehanna changed not-my-mom’s name to _ShortMom_

onehanna changed Hungry Bear’s name to _TallDad_

**[be-nice-to-min]** : FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : how long did we have to endure this?

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : forever

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : if not longer

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : how did i not notice this? until like… not long ago

 **[ShortMom]** : shut up guys

ShortMom changed their name to _Ki_

**[happybunny]** : was cute tho :3

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : like you <3

 **[onehanna]** : private chat

 **[onehanna]** : use private chat you two

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : pls

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : ki, dont even think of doing that shit here

be-nice-to-min changed Ki’s name to _Kiki_

be-nice-to-min changed TallDad’s name to _Nunu_

**[SweetLikeHoney]** : they cant

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : u know how easy it is to embrass ki

 **[onehanna]** : true

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : u all r just jealous bcs u r single

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : im not single

 **[be-nice-to-min]** : YOU ARE NOT???!!!

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : im dating the best person in the world right now

 **[Nunu]** : not again…

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : …myself…

 **[Kiki]** : only changkyun

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : truly… only changkyun

 **[onehanna]** : okay, last change bcs u ppl r not creative for shit

onehanna changed Kiki’s name to _yes chef_

onehanna changed Nunu’s name to _hungry nu_

onehanna changed be-nice-to-min’s name to _that-min_

 **[hungry nu]** : ok ^^

 **[that-min]** : i am speechless, hanna, truly speechless

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : finally!

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : changing min’s nickname was all it took??????

 **[yes chef]** : shouldve done that ages ago then

 **[that-min]** : lol fck u guys :DDDDDDDDD

 **[that-min]** : i was going to ask if she calls that creative, but apparently im the only one with a creative soul here

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : min, dont make me change the name again

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : i think u would regret giving won a chance lol

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : is ur dignity worth it min? XD

**~MID-AUGUST - 2ND YEAR AT UNI~**

The rain season was upon us again and we have been hanging out at Hyungwon’s for like 4 consecutive days now as his parents were away on their annual trip.

The sleepovers have always been a fun way to spend time together. We watched a lot of movies and played games, some on the PC, some board ones, some drinking ones too of course. I helped Kihyun cook a lot, Hyunwoo always kind of lurking around whenever the food was under preparation, hoping he could eat something when Ki wasn’t looking - they haven't really changed much since they got together. There's just no more of that awkward tension and some skinship here and there but they mainly keep it to their private moments, which is much appreciated especially by the single members of our group. Hyunwoo was also probably keeping an eye out for me and when I feel like I need to go cough, which was pretty often these days.

Minhyuk and Jooheon still talked minimally but Jooheon looked like he was getting more and more comfortable with the thought that the two will only be friends. Minhyuk on the other hand, for the first time in his life (very probably) didn’t push Jooheon (or anyone for that matter) into something or into talking about things they didn’t want to talk about. It was a little strange and I wanted to confront him about it when I catch him alone but that hasn’t happened yet. I would also maybe need to talk to Jooheon about it. Minhyuk just didn’t act like himself and that bothered me. We all needed his happy vitamin back, his unrestricted outbursts of happiness and his sometimes careless nature. After all, he balanced out all of us.

I wake up one night in wee hours of the morning, when even the summer sun is still not up. Having enough experience in this whole coughing thing, I know my throat is going to be extremely sore the in the morning unless I go to take some water after a round with my inhaler. It’s kinda just how things go ‘round here. So I make my way to the kitchen for a glass of water and while drinking leaning against the kitchen counter and enjoying the calm and quiet time in the house, I hear soft footsteps heading towards the kitchen. I focus my eyes on the kitchen door and see Changkyun appear in them

For a split second he looks startled to see that someone is in the kitchen.

“Why are you up at this hour?” I ask him with a tiny grin on my face.

“I was working on some music, so I never went to sleep. Sometimes the sudden inspiration is the best.”

I hum and take another sip of the cold water.

“You? What are you doing not sleeping?” Changkyun questions me in return while taking his own glass.

“You know this whole… asthma thing,” I start off and he gives me the look. You know… the look of ‘are you really fucking kidding me or what?’ and quirks his brow at me. “Yeah, still not telling you anything else,” I smirk at him ironically and he shakes his head lightly but a second later his grin is mirroring mine. We stand in silence for a short moment before I speak again. “These nights when I can’t sleep, they get me thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

“Random stuff, really. Sometimes memes I’ve seen on instagram, sometimes the gang and how things are going in this weird mix of people and sometimes... deep stuff,” I shrug.

“And what was it today?” he curiously leans on the counter next to me.

“Deep stuff,” I look away from Changkyun and stare into the distance in front of me, almost as if getting lost in my thoughts. “What does it mean to 'live well'? And what about ‘die well’?”

“I’ve definitely thought of ‘live well’ but ‘die well’… hmmm, that’s something that never crossed my mind,” I feel his eyes on me but I never turn to look back at him.

“I know, right…? I mean, do you die _well_ because you died in your sleep without pain? Or do you die _well_ because you’ve died like a hero, in a battle or trying to save someone? Is that a good death? Is any death a good death?”

“You’re starting to get a little morbid and too philosophical for 3:30AM, Han,” Kyun snickers and the corners of my lips turn upward as well.

“Yeah, that’s usually the time I leave the bed and go for a walk.”

“But let’s actually talk about the living well part. I have my opinion, like everyone does, but I think I’m interested in yours, too.”

“Im Changkyun interested in others’ opinions on his life? Wow, now that’s something I have never thought I would get to see,” I giggle.

“Naaaah, not interested on your opinion on _my_ life, but _on_ life.”

“Just kidding, Kyun. Calm down… Uhmm, well, until now I’ve thought that living well is to live up the expectations others put on you. But now, I’m starting to waver because I will never hold up to the expectations my father has put up for me and I kinda don’t want to either. And lately, I’ve also been doubting my choice of degree studies… like, I’m not sure I want to become a doctor anymore. I’m not sure it’s for me, you know…”

“I get it. Like you’ve had this ideal about what your life is going to be because someone has set that ideal up for you, and now, you’re not sure that ideal is your ideal anyway, rather you were raised in the way that it should be our ideal but in the end... it’s still someone else’s.”

“Exactly. And everyone’s ideal is different. Like what should mine be? Getting my medical degree, getting married, having children and still being a doctor all along with that? Should that be my goal, or my future, because at my funeral somebody might say: ‘Oh she lived so well.’, because I’m not sure that’s something I’m looking for.”

“Should I become a famous rapper just because I like doing it now at RapGround or is it okay for me to quit when I want to without a fear I’m going to break away from someone’s hopes for me. And what about the songs I want to make that are not suited for RapGround but rather for normal day-to-day listening - should I stop making those just because they are not up to somebody’s standards? I don’t think so. I don’t want to ‘live well’ just because some random person somewhere at some point in my life tells me that this is the right way to live well. Maybe one day, I won’t even like making music at all and I’ll become just a person from a foley studio. And maybe that will be my ‘live well’.”

I nod in silent acknowledgement. “Late night deep talks about existential questions… I can really only have that with you,” I finally look back at him and smile genuinely.

“Right back at you, Kang. Seriously. Hyungwon would fall asleep the minute the talk would start and Jooheon would probably shy away from a topic like this. He believes in fate a little too much,” he nodded his head and smiled back.

“Fate, huh? Let’s say he believes in fate and suppose it exists… do we still have free will?” His words about Jooheon bring out another question.

“Hmmm, you know what,” he yawns and stretches. “Let’s actually keep that one for a another time, we can start a question game.”

“I agree,” I set my empty glass in the sink also head out of the kitchen to hopefully catch some more sleep.

On the morning of the 4th day at Won’s I found out I was running extremely low on my stash of inhalers. And I woke up twice during the night to cough my lungs out and later had to clean up a bunch of flower petals safely so that no one finds them. It was just after 6AM when I left the kitchen with a coffee mug and decided I _needed_ to go to the pharmacy. Problem was, if I left the house I didn’t have the keys and didn’t know the number to the electric door lock. Another problem might be that the pharmacy by Won’s house might: a.) not have opened yet; and b.) not have the inhalers, since the kind I use is made especially for people with the Hanahaki disease. The illness is not _that_ common after all.

Therefore, the best solution would be to go later, but I wouldn’t want anyone to know I had to go to buy medicine, so I was in an enchanted circle.

I sat on the couch in the living room and out of effing nowhere I started coughing. This fit stronger than the ones during the night. I had to put my half-full cup of coffee down on the coffee table if I didn’t want to spill it all over the couch. The cough was so loud, I was worried it would wake up everyone in the house, so I ran to the kitchen and took a dish rag to muffle the coughs at least a little bit.

When it finally stopped, my lungs were on fire and my head started hurting from behind my eyes. As I took my hand away from my mouth a fullpalm’s worth of pink cherry blossom petals fell to the floor.

“Oh shit,” I curse and hurry to clean it up when I hear footsteps coming from the hallway. “Fuck.”

The footstep sounds disappear and I turn to the kitchen entrance and see Hoseok. Relief flows through me. For a second he looks confused to see me on the floor on my knees and then he notices the pink flood on the floor.

One moment he’s at the door, the next he’s next to me quickly and quietly helping me deal with the flowers.

“Thank you,” I say in a hoarse voice.

“Hanna…” he turns to me and his eyes show a painful reflection. “Please let me help you somehow.”

I shake my head and smile at him softly. “There’s not a single way anyone can help me.”

Hoseok takes the petals from my hands and puts them into the bin. It’s so ironic, I feel like laughing. Then he comes to me and pulls me into a tight hug. Only after his first sniffle I realize that he did that to hide his tears from me. He always wants to be so strong in front of everyone and always support everyone with everything that he’s got, but in reality he’s just a big softie with a heart the size of an elephant (not literally, he would die if that was the literal case) and wants to accommodate everyone in it.

“Hoseokie, don’t cry please. You’re breaking my heart when you cry.”

“I just don’t want to see you suffer. I hate seeing you suffer,” he sniffled and let go of the embrace.

“Look here, Hoseokie-“ And I suddenly forgot what I wanted to say. “I’m just running low on inhaler stash. So I had little bit of a restless night and my lungs are a little bit more irritated then usual. I ran out of sleeping pills quite some time ago, too.” I decided it would be better to admit the truth from the physical side rather than something I was feeling, since the feelings were very confusing these days anyway.

“Why didn’t you say something earlier?” Hoseok stared at me confused.

“I know you guys said that you’re here for me, but to be honest… I’m alone. I’m in this alone,” I hang my head down to look at my bare feet on the tiled kitchen floor.

“Han, that’s not true and you know it. We’ll go out today even if it’s raining and with Won we’ll make a plan to help you get your meds. What do you say?”

I gave it a small thought. “Nah. Just cover for me for the next couple of hours,” I counter-offer and smile bravely at him.

“Okay…” he sighs heavily. “What’s the cover?”

“My mom called and I had to stop by at the café,” I come up with the easiest and most likely cover possible.

“Okay. You’re going to be okay, right?” Hoseok asks sadly.

“Of course,” I assure him with fake confidence. He believes me.

When I left the house I went in the direction of my mom’s café, since I knew there was a well-stocked pharmacy in the area and at least I could pick up some cake on the way back, to cover.

Next day we’re sitting in the living room, soft rain coming and going outside during the gray early morning. Somehow we all woke up pretty early - yes, even Hyungwon and to my big surprise he was not even the last one.

Drinking some of the legendary cold brew from Kihyun, I suddenly feel a desire to leave the house we’ve been residing in for the last 5 days.

“Guys, let’s go to the beach,” I suggest to the group with an unexpected happiness and excitement.

And only thing I get is absolute confusion.

“The beach? But it’s raining,” Jooheon protests.

“But there’s no wind,” I keep pushing, the desire to go to the beach growing stronger. “That’s when the water is the calmest and the warm water is pushed to the shores. It’s soothing,” I cough shortly and try to chase it down with my coffee. A part of that sentence was true, a part one big fat lie. The warm water is pushed to the shore if it’s a summer storm on a very hot day, not when it’s been raining on and off for a week. The water would be colder now, but I couldn’t care less. I really wanted to go to the beach. A sudden stupid idea just became my goal for the day.

“I’m not sure you should go anywhere near the sea with that over-dragged pneumonia," Kihyun voices his worries.

“Han, you know I’m up for any stupid stuff you come up with, always, but you probably shouldn’t go swimming into cold water, with that cough,” Minhyuk doesn’t catch the hook about the warm water and I curse his smart brain internally.

I look at Hyunwoo for support and pout ever so slightly, attacking his soft spot for my pouting since I had done it all together 4 times in our life times and it worked every time - exactly because I’ve done it so rarely.

“I could actually go for a swim,” Hyunwoo’s voice is firm but soft at the same time, trying to convince the other in a polite manner.

“Yeah, me too,” Hoseok joins, most likely after he’s seen my puppy eyes. “I haven’t been to the beach in forever. I miss the sound of waves.”

“I’ll drive,” Hyungwon decides barely looking up from his phone, quickly typing something.

“Are you guys insane? How can you be with her on this ridiculously stupid idea? She’s going to get even sicker,” Kihyun raises his voice.

“Ki, it’s the last chance to go to the beach,” I say in sad voice. Something in me broke and I came to realize that unless I go to the beach this summer, I won’t go during the next one. Thanks to the medication I haven’t always felt the symptoms of the Hanahaki, but I knew that I was only toning them down for the sake of living a little more peacefully. The medication was not making the disease any better. It was getting gradually worse and I could feel it especially because the coughing fits were now longer, more difficult to calm down and way more painful than at the beginning. I had no idea how long I had before it got so bad that the medication I took would stop working its magic and I wouldn’t be able to hide what was happening anymore.

“We can always go during the school year,” Jooheon suggests a solution.

“You know, we won’t,” I shake my head.

“Or next year,” Chankgyun speaks up for the first time.

I turn away from them as a single tear drops down onto my cheek. I notice Hyungwon looking at me and hope that he was the only one who saw the tear on my face.

Suddenly he stands up. “I don’t care what the fuck you guys think! We’re going to the beach right now whether you’re joining or not.” After telling the gang his decision, he goes to his room and puts his phone to his ear. He emerges about 5 minutes later and goes to his parents' room, only to come our a minute later holding a sport style black two piece swimsuit.

“I guessed you didn’t have a swimsuit with you now. Mom said you can borrow this for today. It should fit you,” he hands me the swimsuit.

I smile at him, happy vibes beaming from my entire being. "Thank you, Wonnie.”

“Hoseok’s should fit you, right, Hyunwoo?” Won turns to Hyunwoo.

“Should be fine,” he nods and smiles back.

“Did you pack towels?” Hoseok asks as he gets up from the couch.

“Yeah, packed enough for everyone and also some extra small ones, too.”

“Let’s go then!” Hoseok calls out as he’s heading towards the door.

“Wait, you guys are seriously going? You weren’t joking about the ' _right now_ '?” Changkyun calls out from his spot on the couch.

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Hyungwon quirks a questioning-sarcastic brow at him.

“He really doesn’t,” Jooheon whispers.

“But I don’t have a swimsuit,” Minhyuk complains.

“I packed enough for everyone. I had a lot lying around,” Hyungwon starts to move towards the door as well.

“You guys are crazy,” Kihyun shook his head one last time before also standing up from the couch to go put his shoes on.

“Now I feel like going too,” Jooheon admits.

“Yeah, crazy idea… I love it,” Changkyun laughs and runs to the door to put his shoes on.

“At least make sure we have enough towels and everyone pack your hoodies to put on after we get out of the water,” Kihyun calls out while walking to take his own hoodie.

“ _Yes, mom_!” Jooheon, Minhyuk, Changkyun and I shout out uni-vocally and Hyunwoo just laughs at the whole situation, staring lovingly after his boyfriend as he walks down the hall.

“I still can’t believe we’re eating chicken at the beach,” Minhyuk comments yet again with disbelief in his voice.

It was a great day, really. Taking both of Hyungwon’s parents’ cars, one driven by Hyungwon and the other by Hoseok, the drive was thankfully not too long. The couple were the best drivers in the gang, Kihyun was a little unsure behind the wheel as he only got his licence recently and I just hated driving even though I had a licence so whenever I could avoid driving, I did.

Due to the two drivers we had in our group, we agreed before we even got into the cars that today we’re not drinking so that no one feels left out.

When we got to the beach and parked the cars at the empty parking lot, all of us got out and I realized I had the widest and stupidest smile I’ve had plastered on my face in a long time. As I predicted, the water was calm and barely any wave hit the shore. I took off my shoes and left them by the car.

I was the first one to start to sprint towards the water. I was happy for my idea to put on the swimsuit beneath my clothes and to pack spare clothes, because I really wanted to run straight into the water without even taking my clothes off. It was difficult to run on the half wet sand but so much fun nonetheless. I turned around to see Hoseok and Minhyuk following me closely, their happiness mirroring mine. Hyunwoo, Jooheon and Changkyun were a little further behind, while Kihyun and Hyungwon just decided that they first want to make sure the towels are ready in the trunks of both cars.

When I reached the first wet-wet sand, I heard shouts from behind. “Hanna, clothes!!”

I just laughed at that and went straight in until I was knees deep and then I threw myself in, fully encasing myself in the sea water.

The sounds of the outside world disappeared and followed by my favorite sound of my whole life - the sound of water milling around my ears. I held my breath and just let myself float into the shallow water, kicking myself further away from the shore. Water, no matter what kind, was my home. I was happy. There was no pain in my lungs or the need to cough, just the tension from with-holding the ability from them to do what they were designed to do. There was peace and calmness in the water and I kicked under the water to get myself deeper and further from the shore. The weightless state the body comes to when you reach water is simply amazing. I could hear the sporadic raindrops hit the water just above my head as I floated beneath the level. My hair flowed around me in a slow movement and there was not a single thing bothering me in that moment. I wanted to stay in that peaceful, calm and happy state forever and all it would take was to just remain under the water.

After what seemed like a short while to me, out of nowhere two pairs of hands pull me up and out from beneath the water, I see Hyunwoo’s smiling face and Minhyuk’s laughs echo through the empty seaside.

“Take your clothes off, Hanna,” Kihyun shouted at me laughing and the two that pulled me up only ushered me to do what the mother of the group asked of me. I laughed at that again.

We stayed playing in the water like little kids for no less than 3 hours. Even the ones, who opposed the most, had so much fun they had to clutch their sides many times to try to ease the pain from laughing.

I knew in that moment that this would be a memory I will fondly look back at. It was a great day until we have decided to play a game about who’s going to pick what we’re going to eat.

And that’s how we got here...

“I mean if only we could have beer with the chicken,” Changkyun adds to Minhyuk’s complaint. “If only we haven’t agreed not to drink.”

I snicker and join them as well. “I think that’s the worst part about it.”

“Your liver will thank you,” Kihyun laughs and throws a chicken bone at me and Changkyun, who sat next to me. _It’s not like I picked it, don’t look at me like that._ It was Hyunwoo.

He’s been doing this a lot lately. Just subtly, I mean as subtle as Hyunwoo can be, of course, which to me is not at all (I’m saying this just to reach an understanding here…). But to get back to my point before I start just lightly dissing the art of Hyunwoo's subtlety, which could be equaled to an elephant in a room full of fine china porcelain - no... I said I wouldn’t do that. Okay, let me return to what I was saying... what he’s been doing a lot of lately: whenever there was a chance he could leave me alone with Kyun or just in his close proximity, he would do just that. Like making me sit on the couch next to him (and yes, I mean make me). Considering how unsubtle Hyunwoo was, he was a fairly good ‘manipulator’ but only in this situation and I somewhat think that’s why no one noticed. How this was even possible, I didn’t know and it baffled me. Even when we went out to eat or drink, he always somehow managed to position me so I was close or next to Changkyun.

On the other hand, whenever Hyunwoo felt like Changkyun was going to start talking about his one night stands or his other adventures that Hyunwoo considered cough triggering for me, he would just drag me away. And again, yes, _drag_ me away. Sometimes not in a subtle manner either.

“Okay, guys, let’s play a game of 'would you rather',” Minhyuk suggests out of nowhere.

“Have you not learned from last time?” I ask him, laughter lacing my voice at the memory. Changkyun next to me snorts into his drink and Kihyun laughs out loud slapping his thigh.

“I came prepared this time,” he answers with a slight shrug.

“Whatever floats your boat, Min,” Jooheon said, amused. It was the first time he spoke to him directly since their talk, as far as I knew. A warm feeling settled in my gut when I looked at softly smiling Jooheon.

“Well, you begin then, Min,” Hoseok nudges him with his elbow.

“Okay, Ki. Ummm…would you rather give or receive a lap dance?” Min smiles mischievously and I now realize what this is all about. Minhyuk is in the mood to play, especially with the couples. _Well, this’ll be fun._

We're all waiting for Kihyun’s answer eagerly.

“I know whatever I answer you will use it against me in a truth or dare game, so…” Kihyun falls silent for a moment, all of us smirking knowingly now. “Receive.”

All eyes turn to Hyunwoo, who blushes like crazy and we all erupt in laughter. It’s Kihyun’s turn to ask questions now, but as per rules of the game that we made, he couldn’t retaliate and ask a question from Minhyuk. Only someone else could take revenge for/on you.

“Let’s see… Changkyun, would you rather your dead body is found on a pile of drugs or a pile of sex toys?”

“Drugs, of course,” Changkyun answers after a short moment. “At least I died a good death.”

“But you can die a good death due to a pile of sex toys,” Jooheon randomly threw in.

“True,” Hyungwon agreed high-fiving him. “But can you really die due to an overload of pleasure?”

“I could try bringing you closer to finding out, though,” Hoseok mused just as matter of fact. Hyunwoo choked on the piece of chicken he was chewing.

“Guys, get a room,” Kihyun threw a chicken thigh bone this time at them.

“My turn,” Chankgyun claims. “I’ve actually wanted to ask this for a while, since the previous game… Minhyuk, would you rather go one month without talking or… one month without sex?”

The table goes silent for a split second before another round of laughter erupts, Minhyuk leading it in fact.

“Please, does he look like he’s getting any lately?” Hyungwon attack Minhyuk as well, but Won’s and Kyun’s efforts come in vain. Minhyuk truly came prepared.

“Well, that’s true,” he says and everyone stares at him in utter shock. “I’d pick one month without sex, since I’m already well into it… What? It’s just not a lucky summer that’s all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That chapter was longer than I expected, phew... but anywhooo - the question game has begun and we will see more of it as the story continues. And c'mon, Hyungwon and Hoseok in this chapter?? They're the definition of a best friend, aren't they? But apart from all the fun, have you managed to spot the serious parts of this chapter? And the gang apparently ate chicken (yes, it's a Right Now reference, I'm sorry but I just still find it funny XD).
> 
> What are your thoughts on this chapter? Did you like it? Please share what you think with me. ^^ I love reading your comments <3
> 
> Next chapter, it's already chapter 30 and I never thought it would get that far, but it's not over yet either. The third year begins and since it's the beginning of a new month, Hanna has to drop in for a check up. Also Hoseok and Hyungwon put 1+1 together again and figure something out.
> 
> I really hoped you enjoyed this chapter and will keep on reading to find out how the story ends (when it does^^). Stay safe, take care and until next time... bye bye (～￣▽￣)～


	30. Existential Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello! The summer is over for some and the 3rd year of uni begins for the gang... ^^ We enter Hanna's mind again, so I'm sorry if this chapter is not all too dialogue heavy as some others are. -_-'
> 
> Hope you enjoy the 30th (oh man...) chapter <3
> 
> Also there is some swimming stuff in here so for those of you, who are not familiar here is "vocabulary":  
> drill - it is a type of technical exercise; focus can on on stroke technique or strength; the correct body position; also breathing, etc.  
> negative set - means the second half has to be swum faster than the first half  
> top black/bottom red - if you search google for 'swimmer pace clock' you'll get it right away :)  
> kick buddies - this is probably the single best thing ever, because your head is above water and you're propped over a board so you can talk with your kick buddy (if you have one) when you swim, but coaches don't let us do it too often unfortunately

**~MONDAY, EARLY SEPTEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

When previous years have begun in somewhat of a turmoil, this year was pretty calm for us. All of us have repped the same rooms as we had last year, so settling in was rather easy. Memories of the summer flowed through our conversations all the time.

However instead of being able to only visit nice memories I had to visit a rather urgent and painful one. My check up was coming up today. I asked Hyunwoo to cover for me over lunch saying I had something to discuss with out coach, which technically wasn’t a lie. I wasn’t sure how I was going to keep on swimming this year. It's true that I felt better in the pool (for a reason unknown to me, but, hey, I sure wasn't complaining...) and I wanted to keep on going for as long as I could. I decided it would be better for me to just deal with it when the time comes.

I dreaded going to the hospital. And even though I am studying to become a doctor I _hated_ the smell of a hospital. But then, maybe it was this particular hospital that I hated.

“Miss Kang, how are you doing?” the doctor asks me in a rather cheerful voice. He must be having a good Monday.

“Has there been anyone, who said 'fine'?” I question him back, suspicion in my tone obvious.

“Oh, plenty of people,” he waves his hand, the buoyancy never leaving his voice. “But let’s talk about your cough for a minute, okay?”

“I don’t know what you want to hear,” I shrug.

“Well, Miss Kang, you know, doctors are ever evolving, ever learning creatures… and the Hanahaki disease is one we don’t meet all that often,” he smiles at me and I start to get into a state of ‘what in the hell is going on’.

“Do you think of me as a lab rat?” I squint my eyes at him.

“Of course not. But in my whole career I have met with only one other case of Hanahaki and I was a resident back then. I wasn’t even treating the patient.”

“Wow, you just made me feel so secure,” my sarcastic side was coming out faster than I thought it would.

“Thank you.” _Oh man... he didn’t get it._

“That was sarcasm,” I say. “Tell me, please, is this how you always act when a patient with terminal illness sit opposite you?”

“Usually,” he shrugs. “There’s no point in getting sad over it.”

“Excuse me? How do you treat people with cancer?”

“Well, we use chemothe-“

“No. Not ‘treat’ as in cure, ‘treat’ as in how you behave around them."

“Oh… Well, I think I’m a little more serious.”

“And I don’t deserve that because I don’t have cancer?”

“I never said that. When you stepped over the threshold into the office, you looked very scared, Miss Kang, and I have seen many times that fear makes people irrational. And not only the patients, but the family of the patients even more so. Fear of loss is one of the worst ones in the world. I just wanted you to have a clear mind about the information I was going to share with you. You seem to be a very smart person, Miss Kang. And, to be honest with you, I have met with many instances when a fresh attitude was met with rational thinking rather than traditional seriousness brought more fruit.”

“Awesome. I’ll try to keep myself as rational as possible,then. What’s your discovery?”

“Oh, right to the point, eh? With the Hanahaki disease there are only the two conventional methods of curing it, of keeping the patient alive. Both of which I am sure you are aware of. One of them doesn’t depend on me at all and the other… well... the offer is still on the table,” he suddenly gets serious. There are a couple short moments of silence as I wait for him to continue and he waits for me to process the information I already know. “Checking your status, Miss Kang, unless you make the first version of the treatment work for you, you will need the operation sooner rather than later.”

Now I definitely needed time to process this piece of information. How much time is ‘sooner rather than later’? I decided it would be better to change the topic.

“Okay, but I can still swim, right?” To be completely honest it was a question that has been lingering on my tongue for a while now. I didn’t want to quit swimming.

“But of course, as long as you’re breathing do whatever you want… within legal range of course,” he added at the end.

I smirk and thank him for his time, say my goodbyes and head back to the campus. I still have a lecture in the afternoon and the pool at 5pm. Maybe the 2 hours in the pool will help me think, like they always do.

The pool felt like it always did. A little cold at first, but once you get over the initial chilly sting of the pristine clear chlorine water, you just swim like you always do. The best thing that you can learn in 15 years of swimming every single day is something I have thankfully learnt early on and now was a master at this technique - swimming long distance drill sets accurately, both length and the given drill, but at the same time literally just swimming at a pace, leaving your mind to wander where ever it freaking wants. Hyunwoo once shared with me that he tried this, but couldn’t do it, because he got confused as in what he was supposed to swim, saying he can only sing a song’s chorus on repeat because he doesn’t remember the bridge. This is pretty normal with me too, it just eases your mind out of the world and you just swim, however in my case it used to happen in short fast paced sets.

“Alrighty, guys. Let’s take a look at the main set,” the coach starts after the whole team finishes warm up. Both Hyunwoo and I are lane leading again and a bunch of first years are at their first practice of the year with us. The classes have been on for the second week now, but in the first week the team trials were on. The professional team took on 5 out of 14, who applied. The rest didn’t make the cut so they went into semi-professional team, who still went to meets with us if they wanted (for us, meets were compulsory), but they had a different coach, didn’t swim the volume we did, also didn’t have 9-10 practices a week but stuck to 7-8 per week and their attendance wasn’t as serious.

The best thing about not being a first year was literally the fact that the coach already knew us and missing a practice or two wasn’t as frowned upon as with the newbies. We had the advantage of knowing ourselves as swimmers and the coach trusting us enough to leave our goals to us. She mainly did it with the first years last year too, but many of them dropped the team even though they had worked hard, were talented and had a lot of potential, but the sudden amount of freedom they had away from their parents and stricter home rules led them astray. To us, Hyunwoo and me in particular, since we were the oldest from the team that day, the master degree students were just not present (I mean the two people never changed a thing anyway since both were slower than Hyunwoo and me), the coach said that this year, she was going to hold the reins on the first years a little bit tighter, because if they don’t want to swim in the second year at that point, it’s not just childhood stupidity. I agreed to some extent. I mean, hey, I managed to swim during the whole first year and, let me tell you, I had some freedom!

“So the main set today is the pyramid set and I bet most of you are familiar with the concept of it. It will go like this 200-400-800-1600-800-400-200. And we’ll go 200 choice kick under water with fins - for the first years, who don’t know, you go underwater for as long as possible, come up to breathe and go back down. Don’t cheat or make it easy on yourselves. This is followed by 400 fly drill slashed with breast drill - the ratio is 1 to 1, division up to you. 800 medium pace negative freestyle; 1600 medley drill with fins; on the way back again 800 medium pace negative freestyle, but take paddles and pull-buoys; 400 back drill slashed with free drill with fins and finally 200 breast kick, you may use boards and if after the whole set there is someone with you, kick buddies are allowed. This should take two thirds of the practice today and I’ll tell you the following set afterwards. I want everyone to count properly and not make ‘mistakes’ because I’m counting as well, so don’t think of cheating. Hanna, Hyunwoo,” the coach glances at us and then at the second clock on the wall. “Next black up.”

We both put our fins on and get ready to set out. “In five… aaaand go.” And that is the last I hear before the water envelops my ears. _Now it’s ‘me’ time._

My mind wandered off to summer memories fairly quickly. I started to think about some of the fun times we had the Final Stand Festival where we jumped under the stage to at the _ridiculously_ good D&B concerts. I can’t even say we danced, we just jumped and turned. I remember being right next to Kyun and even though I was completely out of breath due to jumping around like crazy for so long, my lungs felt better than they have ever since Christmas last year.

I recall how Kyun and I hung out together most of the festival, even though the other guys were with us 90% of the time as well. The other 10% was showering and eating at different food stands or going to a different stage. Changkyun and I mainly went to the same ones, except one or two maybe. Both Kyun and I had fairly similar taste in festival music and if I was undecided I just followed him to the one he wanted to attend. For 5 days, I barely had the need to cough, but yes, I used my inhaler _a lot_ too, but I just somehow felt more at piece. But mind you, when I say ‘barely’ because that doesn’t mean I didn’t cough. I still had to take my breaks from dancing and go just a couple of rows of people to the side or the back to get rid of the pick cherry blossom petals that came out of my lungs. Most people didn't pay attention to me when I dropped the petals on to the ground and kept on jumping, practically stomping over the proof of my true unrequited love; but there were some, who spared me the most sympathetic stares and some that even asked I if I needed help, however I just politely replied that I was fine. I tried, I really tried, but that weird feeling of being stuck in the friendzone hit me super hard during the festivals every time we sat next to each other in a friendly distance - not too close and not too far, something I would call a ‘friendzone distance’.

In either case, my condition sucked and there was very little I could do about it...

A memory of me sitting in Kyun’s studio popped up in my mind. It was the evening we sat and talked about everything unimportantly important. The question game brought our thinking to weird places and next levels. Topics such as the inevitability of karma and how it might influence reincarnation supposing reincarnation itself is real; my complete inability to lick my own elbow; Kyun’s desire for a new tattoo to which he has not yet found the noble reason for (because I guess he needed a reason); and many other. It was a really nice evening with a good workflow for Changkyun as, quite paradoxically, he wasn’t distracted by the discussion we had at all. That surprised me a lot. Had I been working on a song and somebody was talking to me about theories of karma, I would probably either lose the attention for the conversation or lose the focus I needed for my work. But Changkyun excelled in this.

Maybe it’s the same thing as me swimming and leaving my mind to do what it wants because the body just functions on its own at that point. But then again… this case is body and mind. Changkyun’s is both mind work. I don’t know, really…

Out of nowhere, _honestly_ , I realized I was just about to finish the last 50 of the second 400 on my way down the pyramid. As I turned to the last pool I payed attention to where Hyunwoo is and noticed he’s just a couple meters ahead of me in the lane to my left, also swimming the 400 still. He reached the wall about 15 seconds before me.

“Kick buddy?” I ask him smiling as I reach the wall and take off my fins and find my kick board. I look around the lane and the youngsters are still swimming. Lost in the 400, some just finishing the 800. “Bottom red,” I announce to Hyunwoo when we both find our stuff, which leaves us with 10 seconds, so we both quickly move to the empty lane next to mine, so we can swim the 200 in kick buddy style, while also not kicking anyone on the team.

We push off. “So what movie did you and Ki decide on yesterday, after so desperately texting me for suggestions?”

“I really wanted to watch ‘6 Underground’ but Ki won the deciding game and we watched ‘8 Below’. It was a good pick, though. Thanks for the suggestion.”

“Did you guys cry?” The movie truly had some really sad moment but it was just so freaking beautiful. _( <A/N.: both movies I highly recommend^^>)_

“Yeah. Both of us. Kihyun more than me, but still…” he smiled.

I laugh shortly in understanding.

**~TUESDAY NIGHT, EARLY SEPTEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

The pool has given me ideas again and I decide I need either friendly advice or professional help, so of course the one place I can go to is Hoseok's and Hyungwon’s.

Sitting in a bean bag in the corner of the room, Hoseok is typing away something at his computer and Won is texting with Jooheon about their joint project.

“I have a problem,” I tell them as a matter of fact a long while after I got there.

“Don’t we all?” Hoseok asks me not even glancing up from the screen.

“It’s a problem I think you two could help me with.” This catches Hoseok’s attention.

“Speak, woman,” he mocks me and snorts as he gives me an annoyed look.

“Do you guys think it’s a bad idea to stop fighting it? To stop being in denial of my whole situation and maybe try to do something about it?”

“You’ve seen your X-rays and you were in denial about it?” Hyungwon questions me in disbelief.

“Some people have cancer and even after seeing their pictures, they go into denial,” I reply, playing with my soft swimmer fingernails now.

“But still? Up to today?” Won pushes me.

“Maybe not today, _per se_. But lately…” _Especially after my check up yesterday_.

“I think it’s a good idea. Whatever can make you closer to the person, who I just wish you told us, who he is, but that aside… you should definitely try. What worse can happen?” Hoseok throws into the current.

“I can die,” I say it just like that, plainly. _Acceptance and all._

“Yeah,” Hyungwon agrees nonchalantly.

“Yeah,” I join him. I don’t know why but they seem awfully calm about my plan now. And I cannot help but wonder why the hell that is, when they don’t know who it is or what the plan is in the first place, since I don’t even have a single clue about what the plan is.

**~WEDNESDAY, EARLY SEPTEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

On Wednesday morning as I was leaving, I met Hoseok by chance in front of the pool after our morning practice.

“Yo, Han,” Hoseok calls out from behind me and I turn around to see him jog after me. “Do you have a morning class?”

“Hey. Yeah. At 9:30. You?” I wait for him to catch up and we walk towards the campus together.

“At 10 and Wonnie at 9:30. He got morning schedule this year. My poor darling,” he pouts cutely and I only smile fondly at him. Poor Hyungwon indeed, he just loved sleeping in. “But he agreed and promised he would go to breakfast with me every week on Wednesday before class. So I’m meeting him now. Join in.”

“Thanks,” I accept and we head in the direction of the school cafeteria for breakfast at the café that is there. “How long do you think he will keep this promise?”

“I hope at least today,” Hoseok laughs genuinely and I join him, followed with a cough that makes me stop in my tracks and go through the seizure until it’s over, petals falling on the ground at my feet. When Hoseok starts to bend down to pick them up, I stop him. “Leave them.” He stops and looks confused at me, while I pick them up myself.

“I could’ve helped you, you know,” he frowns at me.

I just shrug it off. “It’s my burden to carry. I owe you enough for keeping the secret in the first place.” Making my way to the closest trash can, I throw the petals in, swearing to myself for about the millionth time that I will forever hate the beautiful cherry blossoms.

“You don’t owe me shit, Hanna. Or Wonnie, or Hyunwoo or that matter. How did you even come up with that?”

“Leave it, Hoseok, please... just leave it,” I beg him.

“Okay,” he sighs when we enter the café at the edge of the cafeteria. We’re both very surprised to see Hyungwon there already.

“You’re early,” I smirk at him.

Hyungwon looks up and smiles at me tiredly. “And tired.”

“Good morning, baby,” Hoseok sits next to him and kisses his cheek sweetly, making Hyungwon smile softly and blush ever so slightly. Things must be going really well right now. All relationships have ups and downs and it’s so obvious that these guys are currently in their very high up. I’m so happy for them, but first, before anything, I start to cough my lungs out again. So I rummage through my bag to find one of the many inhalers thrown in there. I find one fairly quickly before the coughing fit begins full on. Thankful I managed to stifle this one, I sigh contently and breathe in cleanly.

I glance up at the two, both of them have sympathetic glare in their eyes and I just roll mine. “I really do not want your pity, so get that shit out of your head.”

They look at each other and look back at me. Hyungwon speaks first. “So, any hot newbies in the team this year?”

“Ummm, there’s one, but…. meh,” I shrug again and Hoseok laughs at me.

“What do you want?” Hoseok asks me.

“Apple-cinnamon oats and coffee,” I aswer and hand him my cafeteria card. “Thanks.”

Hoseok makes his way to the counter and Hyungwon just randomly plays with his croissant smothered with strawberry jam, while asking me about hot first years in the swimming team, ending the conversation with a statement claiming that his diving boyfriend puts them all to shame.

When Hosoek comes back and we all eat, well… by all I mean Hoseok and me, because Won has already finished and is sipping his coffee and playing with his phone; out of nowhere Changkyun appears and sits down next to me, opposite Hyungwon.

“Morning,” he greets us and we do the same. “Guys, my first battle as a 3rd year got is on Friday.”

“It got moved up?” Hyungwon asks curious.

“Yeah. One of the guys backed out, so they changed schedules. I’m not very prepared, though, so I gotta say I’m a bit worried,” he complains, but we all listen. “The music needs a lot of work. Plus, I was working on a new official song to be released but I guess I have to put that away for a couple of days.”

We all nod apprehendly and I notice Hoseok texting into the group chat to let everyone know about the change of plans for Friday. I sip my coffee and unconsciously lean towards Changkyun a little bit, but just very slightly, _like 2cm_ , seriously.

“Anyways,” Changkyun turns to me. “Glad I found you here, Han. Do you wanna stop by the studio in the evening?”

“Yeah, I can,” I try hard to reply as nonchalantly as possible, desperately wanting to look as indifferent as I can.

“Awesome,” he smiles at me kindly and my heart melts at the fact that the smile was for me and me only. And it was the softest of smiles. I don’t think I can begin to describe it in words. “Shit… class. Gotta go, sorry. Thanks. Han, see you later.” He gives me one last cocky grin before he runs off, like actually runs off.

“Bye,” I say to no one and still my shaking hand on my cup of coffee. Hoping the two on the opposite side of the table haven’t noticed.

“Im Changkyun…? Seriously?” Hyungwon squints his eyes at me. _So, I was wrong apparently..._

I panic on the inside, cool attitude on the outside. “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” _Oh, God... now they know, too._ I facepalm internally.

“You’re so obvious. Especially after last night’s talk,” Hoseok joins Won and nipping at me. “Which had you not had with us, we _maybe_ wouldn’t have noticed.”

“Maybe… but then again…” Won takes a moment of silence. A flash goes through his face. “Also, had Changkyun not been straight, I would look at that ass, too.”

“Oh yeah,” Hoseok agrees with him instantly, both theatrically looking into the distance, the way Chankgyun has left in.

I shake my head and grab my backpack noticing it’s time for my 9:30 class. “Seriously? Don’t you to have enough of yourselves?” I ask them mockingly.

Roaring laughter of the couple sounds through the café and Hyungwon joins me as we leave for our lectures respectively, but he doesn't forget to add another remark about Kyun as we walk towards the main building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Hanna might need surgery soon... -_-' Hyungwon and Hoseok find out about Kyun, but do you think they will try to help her like Hyunwoo? I know there was a lot in he swimming part, but there were important bits, too.
> 
> What did you think? I hope you share your thoughts with as I love reading them <3 ^^
> 
> In the next chapter, another one of Hanna's symptoms makes an appearance and Hyunwoo brings up a serious question after Saturday morning practice.
> 
> I hoped you liked the chapter and I wish you a great rest of the day! Please remember to take care of yourself and see you next time (～￣▽￣)～ byeeee


	31. The Secrets We Keep...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful Friday to you all!! ^^ Not only there is a new chapter out, Wonho's 'Losing You' MV came out a couple hours ago and... (author is speechless). He's back <3 <3 Anyway, I won't hold you from the chapter any longer.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it <3 <3

**~FRIDAY, EARLY SEPTEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

Like the old times, this Friday afternoon belonged to sitting in the music studio with Changkyun before going to the pool and heading to RapGround after the pool.

“What do you think about this?” Changkyun asks me and presses the space bar to play some arrangement of beats as soon as I close the door of the studio behind me.

I listen intently but it’s certainly not what I expected. I awaited a rough unforgiving rhythm that suits Kyun’s deep voice and the darkened atmosphere of the RapGround stage. But what sounded out of the speakers was a mellow and yet dark set of beats that reminded me of his first song he released earlier this year called ‘Horizon’. “I thought you were working on the music for tonight?”

“I was, but I suddenly got inspired and this sounds like a damn good intro into the new song I’m making. The thing is that I’ve made and re-made this song about a million times already. The first version was fucking great but lacked some tiny something and the next versions just kept getting worse. So at this point I just feel like dropping this song. Maybe I’ll return to it in a couple of years,” he shrugged, eyes never leaving the screen of his monitor.

“I’m not sure I like it, to be honest. Where ‘Horizon’ was edgy and it made the listener feel desired, this one is just dark. Like there’s deep pain inside and I’m not sure that you feel that much pain,” I comment on his work. Usually I try to keep ‘my feeling’ argument out of it and try to use rational reasoning when it comes to giving him feedback, but something somehow just felt like… you know what I mean.

“I’m not feeling any pain,” he admits. _But I am, maybe if I made this song...LOL no._ “I’m actually fairly happy these days. Guess I’ll just scrap it.”

“Don’t scrap it. Put it on a disk somewhere. You never know when you enter a dark place in life and you’ll need a song to find solace in. Save it for later - that’s my opinion on the matter,” I close the discussion and pull out the sandwich from my bag that Kihyun has prepared for me and sent me via Hyunwoo in the morning.

“What’s that?” Changkyun looked at the sandwich in my hand with hungry eyes.

“Chicken salad sandwich with thai basil. Kihyun made it for me in the morning,” I glance at him a see him swallow hard. Eyes trained on the sandwich. I swear it looks like something you would see in a movie. “Do you want it?”

“Nah,” he forces himself to look away. “You need your strength for the pool later. I’ll go grab myself a sandwich in the cafeteria before going to get dressed for pre-drinks.”

“I’m not that hungry anyway,” I check the sandwich out trying to look as uninterested as possible. The truth was my stomach was hurting deeply from the lack of food, the last time I ate was late breakfast between my early morning class and my short lunch lecture. After that I went straight here, hoping I would have the chance to eat this new style of chicken salad sandwich Kihyun made for me. Yes, he’s testing foods and tastes on me again, but you don’t see me complaining, do you?

“You sure? I’ll only take a bite I promise,” he gives me a hopeful stare.

“A bite definitely won’t kill me, Kyun,” I hand him the sandwich.

But by the time the ‘bite’ was over there was nothing left of the sandwich. My stomach turned at the thought of it and made an unpleasant sound that I hoped Kyun wouldn’t hear.

And again I was wrong about my assumption. “Hannaaaa,” he groaned in utter frustration. “Why the fuck did you tell me you weren’t hungry?”

I sigh and roll my eyes. “Because I’m not. It’s my lunch doing flips in my stomach. Plus, now, you’re not hungry and can spend more time here getting ready for tonight. If I’m hungry before going to the pool I’ll leave here 5 minutes earlier and go to buy something or ask Hyunwoo for one of the many energy bars he has somewhere in his backpack, but I swear to you some of them might be there since high school. You don’t have to worry about me,” I assure him smiling.

“I guess there’s no point in arguing with you now that I ate it,” he sighs and sits back into his chair.

“Bingo,” I shift closer to him on the chair to have a better view at the screen even though it’s completely unnecessary. I don’t understand anything he’s doing there anyway. So I pull out my phone and go by my usual path of tracking down the lastest swim memes.

“But can you tell Kihyun that I’m not sure about putting Thai basil in conventional chicken salad? Thai basil chicken, I love, but this… meh, the mayo probably didn’t work with it.”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself?” I tease him.

“And listen to him nag that I ate your pre-swimming sandwich? I would rather eat the sandwich again even thought it’s not my favorite. I’m not suicidal,” he laughs it off.

“True. By the way, Kyun… have you noticed Min and Joo talk again?”

“Yeah, Jooheon talked to me about it after the day at the beach. He said he’d felt such easiness that day, a wave of happiness right after one ended. He claims he’s over the feelings and really enjoys his company as a friend now. And frankly, I’m completely not sure I bite the hook on that one. I think he still has some feelings but they might have faded as did the pain from the heartbreak when Minhyuk rejected him. Either that or he’s hiding them very well, so well in fact, that he’s even hiding them from himself. On the other hand, I can’t say I’m complaining. I want him to be happy and if he’s happy, who am I to ruin it for him? And we’re back to normal pretty much… maybe except Hyunwoo and Kihyun now dating. But they’re the same as ever, so I’m not really counting that.”

“Back to normal, huh?” I say quietly more to myself than to him, hoping it was loud enough for him to hear but also wishing it was just shy of having the volume to be heard.

“Okay, except you, too. But I didn’t want to open it,” Kyun turns on his chair so that he’s facing me.

“ _Me_? What’s wrong with me?” I stare at him dumbly.

“I don’t know, you tell me. I’m not a mind reader,” he shruggs but kept sinking into my eyes just like he wanted to read my mind.

“There’s nothing going on with me,” I shake my head maybe a little too vigourously.

“Yeah, keep telling that to yourself. You’ve been down the whole summer, only went to one festival and _pardon me_ , perhaps I don’t know you for long enough but the time that I’ve known you for is enough to give me the knowledge of what kind of a person you are. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, but know that I’m here if anything is going the wrong way in your life or you want to talk some shit out, or whatever is happening. I’m here, we’re best friends after all,” he gives me one last very important looking gaze and I sigh deeply and take my turn to spin away on the chair trying to ignore the sting of pain his words left in me. Thankfully, I have dosed up on inhaler before coming here, so I am able to keep the nasty cough at bay.

_Back to normal…_

_Nothing has changed…_

_Best friends after all._

**~SATURDAY MORNING, LATE SEPTEMBER - 3RD YEAR AT UNI~**

I haven’t even opened my eyes and the first thought that comes to my mind is: _I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Someone help me, please._

I try to breathe in but the air just doesn’t travel past my mouth and nose. None of the much desired oxygen is getting to my lungs. The pain is worse than when I go under the water for too long. I am _suffocating_ alone in my room. Nobody, not a single soul, would ever find out that I died here on my bed on campus.

_I can’t breathe._

Another thought pops up in my head and I quickly reach for my phone, still painfully trying to get any tiny bit of oxygen into my lungs but failing pretty miserably at the task. Thankfully, I have always kept my phone by the pillow because that is the only way I would ever hear the alarm on Saturday morning, especially after spending the night at RapGround.

I scramble with the password, not even bother with the fingerprint and when the screen opens, I hastily dial Hyunwoo’s number while also quickly realizing I will go to hell for waking him up at - _oh my god, how is it that early?_ \- 4AM before Saturday morning practice. I was very strongly hoping that both Hyunwoo and Kihyun played the responsible boyfriends last night and Hyunwoo went to sleep alone to his room, which was just two floors below mine in the same building, also I hoped I didn’t lock the door last night. I don’t think I would be able to get up and open them.

Struggling against my under-oxygenated body is getting more and more difficult and I’m starting to feel sharp tips pushing at the walls of my lungs as if they wanted to puncture them. I bet it’s the branches of the small tree that’s growing inside. Out of nowhere a stupid wish crosses my mind that my favorite flowers were something like daisies or violets or something small that doesn’t grow into a tree. Maybe that’s why I was able to resist it for so long. Because trees grow slower that meadow flowers but they also grow stronger with deeper roots and they grow to stay not to whither, just to re-grow next year. No, they pass through winters and summers and everything in between.

“ _Hello?_ ” Hyunwoo’s voice comes from the other side of the line. I can clearly imagine him picking up the phone without even opening his eyes and talking to the pillow.

“H-h-hyu-“ I try to rasp out breathlessly.

“ _Hm? Han?_ ” he sounds very confused.

“He-h-help,” I gasp for air but only sound comes out, no result coming out of my effort.

“ _Shit. Han, hang in there, I’m on my way_ ,” his voice was suddenly alert and awake. He never hung up on the call and I had no strength to bother about that.

Only seconds later, but what had seemed to be hours of torture, I hear quick rhythmic thumping of a sprinting person in the hallway. The door on my room flies open and I thank the Gods, old and new, that I forgot to lock the door last night when I got to my room tipsy.

“Hanna!” Hyunwoo calls out in fear when he sees me writhe on the bed gasping desperately for air. “Oh, shit! What do I do?” He puts on of his knees on the bed the other leg hanging off and he helps me turn on to my stomach. “What do I do, Hanna? How do I help you?” He holds me by my shoulders and the first tiny bit of oxygen travels to my lungs with the next inhale. I start feeling the pressure from the branches going away and my hastened loud breathing starts to lose volume as well.

Hyunwoo notices I began to calm down so he rubs his hands up and down my back in comforting soothing motions. I inhale shakily and until all of the oxygen absorbs I wait, and only then, I exhale but still a little afraid the next load of oxygen might not come.

It takes me a couple minutes to completely calm down, both physically and mentally. I decide to push out the irrational fear of not being able to breathe and try to think of some happy thoughts. It occurs to my mind that this is something the doctor has never mentioned about the illness and I could assure anybody in the whole wide world that this was a thousand times scarier than coughing your lungs out and spreading flower petals in the process.

“What was that?” Hyunwoo asks me, the worry still hasn’t left his voice.

“I-I have no idea,” I reply rolling over onto my back and slowly sitting up. “But it was scary,” I add in the smallest voice.

“Yeah, it was,” Hyunwoo agrees quietly, still a little shaken.

“Thank you,” I whisper. “Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? It’s not like you wanted any of this.”

I inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale.

I breathe.

I breathe easily.

It’s okay now.

_I can breathe._

“Sorry to wake you up,” I reply finally to Hyunwoo’s question.

“It’s okay. I’m happy you’re okay now,” he smiles at me tiredly.

“See you at the pool,” I tell him and glace at my phone to check the time.

“You’re not going to the pool,” he tries his big brother voice on me but that’s not going to work. Not today.

“The pool and swimming is the only thing that keeps me sane, Hyunwoo. I never cough at the pool. Or very rarely. It’s the only thing that keeps me from falling apart,” I admit, sad that now again, I used swimming to actually survive a couple hours of the day better, just like in the past when I avoided my father by going to the pool and staying behind with my friends all the time. I’m sad that I can’t just enjoy swimming for no specific reason now, either.

“Okay. See you there then,” he gets up and slowly leaves my room. Before he reaches the door he checks up on me one last time and when I smile back reassuring him everything is fine now, he quietly closes the door. As soon as they click closed I fall onto my back and sigh heavily.

_What the fuck was that? Will there be more of it?_

I most certainly hoped not.

Morning practice was painful. Long distance and butterfly equals the single worst combination in the world. I barely felt my arms as they hung limply at my sides after the coach’s brutal effort to kill us. Thankfully, we all survived. I don’t exactly know how, but we did. The first years looked so done with life, I totally felt bad for them. However on the other hand, I did laugh at their hangover expressions during the warm up. It must’ve been a very fun night, but even I appreciated that they had the will, courage and strength to come face their reality in the chlorine water. They were funny, that’s all. Because _‘been there, done that’_.

“Han, can we talk?” Hyunwoo walks over next to me and started packing his equipement as well.

“Sure, what’s up? Something with Ki?”

“No. Actually I have a question for you about your Hanahaki,” he opens the topic shyly.

“Okay. What is it about?”

“Have you told your mom?” he asks me, the seriousness in his voice is so thick it felt almost like a stab in the back. Guilt spreads over me so fast and hard I feel like throwing up.

“No,” I admit very, very quietly and turn away from Hyunwoo packing my things a little bit more aggressively than probably necessary.

“Why? How can you do that to her?” Hyunwoo accuses me.

The reason was one I couldn’t share with anyone. I haven’t told my mom because I’m scared. I’m scared of telling her something I most likely could not have avoided. I’m scared that she would go crazy from her only daughter being on the brink of losing her life because of ‘some boy’, when I knew myself very well wasn’t just ‘some boy’. I’m scared that she would demand me telling her, who the cause for my Hanahaki is and do something that would end up making things a little worse than they already are. I’m scared because I don’t want to see my mom cry - and that is _the biggest_ fear. Seeing my mom hurt or in tears is my biggest fear, because my whole life she has been the epitome of strength, confidence and love. I don’t even want to imagine tears in my mom’s eyes, not that I have never seen them but I would really despise myself for being the reason behind them.

“I will tell her,” I reply to him slowly and leave the pool side to go to the showers.

“When?” Hyunwoo quickly catches up with me. “When you’re actually about to die?”

“Over Christmas,” I stop at the entrance to the women’s showers, turn towards Hyunwoo but avoid eye contact. I look everywhere but never at him.

“Are you even going to be here for Christmas?” he questions me sadly.

“Of course I will. What kind of stupid question is that?” I ask him as is he was silly.

 _A perfectly valid one_ , I thought about the question in my head.

“One that I genuinely worry might not be as stupid as you’d like to think. I’m scared, Hanna,” he tells me in a low voice but I can feel the fear and worry so much in his voice, it pains me to even have this talk and the coward in me just keeps suggesting to postpone this talk, because I want to back out and just hide in the dark corner in my room and never talk about it again. I hate these talks and would rather it slowly kills me and suffocates me painfully than have this conversation.

“Hyunwoo, what do you have to be scared of? I’ll keep a spot for you in heaven. I’ll go to hell for sure, but I’ll try to get in a good word for you at the gates… what do you say? Don’t worry,” I wink at him and smirk nonchalantly.

“I’m scared because you’re not worried the tiniest bit,” he grabs my shoulder and shakes me a little bit. I’m thankful all the juniors are gone so that nobody can witness our conversation. “I’m scared, I’ll lose my best and oldest friend.”

_I’m scared to death, to be honest. I want to make it out alive, too._

“Don’t worry about me, hm?” I smile at him, trying to send some of my courage to him through our old ass link. “What you _should_ be worried about more than just a bit, is the fact you still don’t have a gift for Kihyun’s birthday.” The birthday doesn’t come until late November but give Hyunwoo a little bit of stress and he might just back out from the conversation that I dreaded would continue.

“Oh shit! I don’t have a gift!” his eyes went wide. But then a realization hit him as I started running across the pool deck laughing out loud, mocking him. He starts running after me on the slippery tiled floor and shouts at me that I’m going to pay for giving him the scare of the decade.

He reaches me only when I finally reach the diving tower on the other side of the pool from the women’s showers and as he does he pulls me towards the pool and throws me in roughly falling in behind me.

It’s a happy moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kyun pushed Hanna again to tell him what is going on with her, but her walls are as thick as the ones in city of Troy. I'm seriously starting to get worried about her life... Hyunwoo brought up the very scary and serious question about Hanna not telling her mom yet... and Hanna suffocating in the middle of the night was just scary, wasn't it? Plus, on the bright side - Min and Joo talk again ^^ <3
> 
> So what do you think about this chapter? Did you like it? Please share your thoughts and opinions with me, I truly love reading them <3 ^^
> 
> In the next one, we meet a character from the past (guess who...?) and Hanna sees something she could live without.
> 
> Sorry to say this again, but I'm just so excited for Wonho's 'Losing You' MV that I can't but mention it again - so yeah... it's out. Just saying. ╰(*°▽°*)╯
> 
> I hope you all have a beautiful rest of your Friday ^^ (and I know I always say this, but...) Please take care of yourself, stay healthy and safe <3 see you at the next chapter ^^ byyyeeee []~(￣▽￣)~*


	32. ...Become the Ghosts that Haunt Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there and welcome to the new chapter! ^^ This time a character from the past makes an appearance :) So without further delay, I hope you enjoy <3

**~EARLY OCTOBER, 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

I must’ve mentioned I hate Tuesdays. Well, here I am saying that once again. And guess what makes this particular Tuesday worse than anything? _Medical practice day._

This year, in each semester third year Sports Medicine Students are to go on a given day to one of the many hospitals in the city that treat sport injuries. And today is my day. And honestly I just want to die. I look like a freaking zombie with dark under-eye bags that seem more like a semi permanent tattoo right now, due to irregularly occurring nights, during which I either wake up due to a coughing fit or because I can’t breathe. One better than the other, let me tell you that much.

On the other hand, Hyunwoo has offered and insisted many times after the last one that he would spend the night on the floor next to my bed but every single time I have vehemently refused to let him do that. Once he tried to force himself into my room and I tried everything - talking him into leaving the room, kicking him out by force but a bright idea jumped into my mind after all of my efforts failed. I called Kihyun to complain. I could equal it only to one thing - complaining to mom about dad. The phone call was epic.

“ _Hanna? What’s up?”_ Kihyun asked me when he picked up.

“Kihyun. Hyunwoo is in my room and refuses to leave no matter what I do,” I told him with a pout in my voice.

In the end, I had to give the phone to Hyunwoo because I didn’t want to be the messenger pigeon between the two and after half a minute Hyunwoo started to pack his stuff. I wondered what Ki told his boyfriend but Hyunwoo only offered afterwards. Never actually tried to get into my room.

Another funny thing about me was, I was studying to become a doctor and I hated the smell of hospitals. I never used to when I was a kid, it never bothered me but now that I had to come every month (after getting scolded for skipping all my summer appointments) I started to hate the hospital smell.

And the final greatly miserable is that it’s the same hospital where I go for the check ups. YAY!!

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : gaaaaaaah

 **[onehanna]** : i wanna die

 **[happybunny]** : what happened??

 **[yes chef]** : hanna is on medical practice today lol

 **[happybunny]** : oh

 **[happybunny]** : how is it going?? :D

 **[onehanna]** : dont laugh

 **[onehanna]** : srlsy

 **[that-min]** : lol, i just imagined hanna in a lab coat

 **[onehanna]** : and y would that be smth to laugh at???

 **[that-min]** : them shoulders

 **[that-min]** : you’d look like the kanye west music video for I love it

 **[SweetLikeHoney]** : lmao true

 **[onehanna]** : idiots

“Coach,” I call out from the pool when I finish the main set before everyone else in my lane. “What’s next?”

“Where you at?” she asks me.

“We’re at 6.7k,” I shout back to her. At least one more kilometre should be done today.

“Okay, you do 300 cool down and showers,” she comes behind he starting block o my lane.

“Why? We’re only going 7k today?” I question her curiously. I know, it’s good practice to never question the coach when she wants to end the practice but I’m simply curious.

“You and Hyunwoo are, the kids will pull another one,” she explains and when I look at her with serious question in my eyes she continues: “Most of them didn’t show up in the morning. You’ve seen. They need to learn that if they don’t show up without a valid reason, which could be anything other than ‘I slept in’ or ‘my alarm didn’t go off’, then there will be consequences. This is the professional team. They need to practice if they want to stay in. If they stop making the cut at meets, I’m not going to let them stay. Seriously, if I can get up and come to the morning practice from the other side of the city, they can wake up in their dorms and come in, their travel is at least three times shorter than mine.”

“Coach, are you okay? Did something happen?”

“The dean called me in for a talk last week about attendance. And I definitely did not enjoy being in the position he put me in, but that shouldn’t worry you, Hanna. You’re a student and a damn good swimmer. And if you can come with your cough and busy lecture schedule, they can for sure show up with their relatively loose first year schedule. I guess I’m a little irritated by this. When I was a student I had a horrible coach, who would let us swim a really difficult set and then told us that someone made a mistake right at the beginning of it and we had to repeat the whole thing. And finish the whole practice after. I told myself, I would be different from my coach, but I guess I cannot be all-allowing,” she sighs sadly at the end and I can see that she feels sorry about what she’s going to do to the kids but I get it. I had a really mean coach when I was in middle and high school and it taught me discipline and back then I found the real reason why I loved swimming as much as I did.

“And what are they swimming? Will you tell me, pretty please?” I try in hopes I can silently laugh at the kids.

“Why don’t you stay to find out?” she winks at me. “Cool down, Hanna. Go.”

I laugh shortly and push off for cool down.

As I’m finishing the cool down the kids are finishing the main drill set and I get to the wall and boost myself out and get out. Out of the corner of my eye I notice some others about to get out following my suit but I hear the coach shout: “Back in the pool!” Since I knew that wasn’t for me I just stand beside her along with Hyunwoo.

“So, I have a question for you, kids,” she tells them. “How many of you have gone to the morning practice both yesterday and today?” They look around and one, namely Sewoon, the one who wanted to ask me out for coffee, raised his hand looking all shy about it. “Yes, _only_ Sewoon came to both practices, therefore Sewoon, 300 cool down, go.”

Sewoon looks all confused at first but then he just puts his goggles back on and pushes off. The rest looks around rather warily. Poor children, they have no idea what awaits them. Even I’m worried for them.

“And the rest of you… I can’t begin to say how disappointed I am in you. Some of you didn’t show up to more morning practices than you have shown up for. You guys are the professional team, so if you don’t want to swim the mornings you are welcome to pass to one level lower to semis, I won’t mind, because I don’t want to lose my time with you,to be completely honest with you. So while you swim the 5x200 butterfly with no equipement in pace, 10 second rest in between, think about whether you want to stay and continue working hard to achieve something or you want to give up university team. Bottom red, go!”

Groans and complaints sound all around and I just laugh at them and call out: “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!” Hyunwoo laughs at me and the coach grins at me and Hyunwoo and waves us off.

As I pack my stuff at the bench on the side Sewoon approaches me, pool water still dripping down his hair. He apparently just got out of the pool and ran to me. “Hanna, ummm, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead,” I smile at him.

“I was, uhh, I was thinking… you know, uh, last time when we talked I, uh, wanted to ask you for coffee and, uh, you know… ask you…” he tries to get it out of him, obviously nervous and call me stupid, but why was he nervous? Am I scary?

“Sewoon? Do I scare you?”

He looks shocked. “No! Why do you ask?”

“Well, you look really nervous and I’m sorry, but I don’t see a reason for you to be nervous around me.”

“I like you,” he spills quickly and my jaw drops. “I wanted to ask if you’re single and would go out on a date with me.”

 _Wow. I did not see that coming. But then again, I did not see me catching feelings for Changkyun before I got Hanahaki, so…_ I internally facepalm at my own stupidity.

“Oh. Umm… Sewoon, you’re… very sweet. Thank you, I guess? But… I’m sorry,” I apologize.

“No, no, please don’t be sorry,” he gives me an apologetic smile. “Didn’t want to bother you. Maybe some day… have, uh… have a good rest of the evening.” He turns around and leaves rather lifelessly with slumped shoulders and I feel bad for him. And that’s when I start coughing.

The cough that comes is one of the worst I’ve had recently. It’s dry and painful, it feels like it will never stop and I barely have the chance to breathe in between. The petals start to come out in batches into my hand and I suddenly feel an arm around my shoulders, trying to lead me away from people, who could see. I recongnize the person as Hyunwoo.

The seizure finally subsides after 10 minutes of sitting behind the bleachers and there are so many petals on the ground it looks like a pink carpet. My cheeks are stained with tears of pain and exhaustion and now I just sit with my head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder and breathe in small short breaths to make sure it doesn’t start all over again.

“Hanna, you should tell him,” Hyunwoo brings out the same topic yet again.

I shake my head.

“Hanna, please. You can’t go on like this. How much worse can this get?”

“I don’t know. But I can’t tell him. You know that’s not how it works. Thanks for helping me, really. I love you,” I try to soften him.

“Didn’t you say that you feel better at the pool?”

“I think something triggered it.”

“What?”

“Sewoon just came to me and told me he liked me. I guess that must have triggered the fit.”

Hyunwoo sighs sadly. “Why can’t you like someone like him? It would be so much easier.”

“I know, but sometimes I guess we don’t get to choose our fate, Hyunwoo.”

He sighs again. “Okay. Stay here, I’ll go take our stuff and I’ll drop you at your room before going to Ki’s.”

“It’s okay, really. I’m fine now. Besides I wanted to stop by at Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s anyway.”

“Okay then,” he gives me a sad smile.

“Have fun with Ki.”

**~FRIDAY, LATE OCTOBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

Another Friday, another battle at RapGround. We walk towards the club from campus grounds talking among each other about the Halloween being around the corner and where we’re going to end up going and considering all our options. Minhyuk is talking about costumes and who he’s going to pair this year. I swear he’s already asked everyone, but he’s currently pestering Changkyun about it and I’ll be honest, I can’t see that working out well either.

“Guys!” I call out to everyone as I fall a little behind. They all turn and I suddenly am robbed of the thought I wanted to tell them, because the moment I see them, the 7 best friends in the whole wide world, I feel happy. Just seeing them together laughing and joking and simply together I feel happiness I and imagine the future when it’s the 7 of them. The 7, definitely not less, but somehow not more either. One day, which might come fairly soon, I will not be a part of this group anymore - I will not be able to…

The unexpected sadness has to be obvious in my face because Hoseok comes one step back, closer to me. “Hanna, you alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just that I suddenly thought of how great it is to see us together like this. Going out and having fun, being ourselves. Who knows how much time we have left before we have to start really adulting, you know?”

“Oh, come on, Han,” Jooheon whines mockingly. “Why so sentimental out of nowhere? Just enjoy the night.”

“Exactly, it’s not like any of us are dying,” Minhyuk shouts from the top of his lungs and turns around heading in the way of RapGround, along with Jooheon, Changkyun and Kihyun. Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Hyungwon don’t turn around to follow then right away, so I bet they notice the bitter expression that travels through my face.

“Right. No one is dying after all…” I push back the tears but my voice shows that I’m not completely okay with what I’m saying. I start to take a step towards RapGround again when I feel an arm around my shoulder and look up to see Hoseok pulling me to his side, timing his steps with mine.

“Had they only known how simply love can kill… _them bitches_ ,” he says with all the seriousness in his voice, but I feel playfulness at the end.

I laugh at the last part of the sentence, my mood lifted up again. If these guys are near, I could die or all I care. As long as they’re my friends life is not as difficult as it would be without them.

“And my beautiful night is already starting to get ruined,” Hyungwon groans in mock frustration and I push my way from the guard, with whom I have been chatting with about my swimming season and how excited he was because his own son has started swimming and it gave him great pleasure to use me as motivation. I laughed it off with words: ‘For God’s sake don’t!’

“What is it?” I ask Wonnie and look in the direction, in which him and Hoseok are staring.

What I see doesn’t really surprise me and I say: “Well, blow me down with a feather!!! Why am I not surprised, though?”

“Don’t let Chankyun see it, though,” Jooheon says from beside Hoseok.

“Why?” Minhyuk looks at him not understanding the reason to keep it from Kyun.

“Because Kyun has written really good bars to beat this guy third time in a row. Remember that this is the second time this guy si asking for a revenge battle?” I explain to Minhyuk and take the beer from his hand. His face does that offended thing and takes the beer back from my hand before I even managed to get a sip.

“Plus, Kyun is not that low to attack someone because of his girlfriend, even if that girl is his ex. That’s a low blow and Chankyun plays fair. Always,” Hyungwon joins in.

“Okay, okay, jeez I get. I won’t say anything,” Minhyuk presses his lips together and lock them with an imaginary key that he then throws away. It’s such a child thing to do, but it’s cute. Just like Minhyuk can be.

“Guys, what do you think? How long is the lock going to hold before he speaks again?” Jooheon asks as we head to our corner.

“Not very long,” Kihyun guesses. “He’ll be like: ‘I can’t breathe.’ Or something like that.”

“What does he have his nose for then?” Jooheon questions just for the joke at this point. We all know Minhyuk but we love to make fun of him anyway.

“I have a cold,” Minhyuk speaks after a minute of silence, when we get to our corner and settle in.

Jooheon gives him a much telling glance. “No, you speak like that normally.”

“Lee Jooheon,” Minhyuk’s blood seems to start boiling. Jooheon can get him fired up real fast, but then again, Minhyuk fires himself up pretty fast on his own, he doesn’t need any of us for that, so…

“Lee Minhyuk,” Jooheon squints his eyes and puts a pretty scary tone to his voice. I have no idea what causes this duality in Jooheon but it’s funny, interesting and terrifying at the same time.

Oh my God!” Minhyuk exclaims and slightly jumps backwards. “Jesus, he’s scary when he does that!”

“He ain’t-“ Hoseok begins to chime but very quickly a hand appeared against his mouth.

“Hoseok,” Hyungwon warns him tiredly. “ _No!_ You are not doing that joke again. I’m sick of it.”

“Does he really only know that one line from that song?” Hyunwoo asks laughing at the sight of Hyungwon holding down Hoseok.

“Unfortunately,” Hyungwon replies but still doesn’t let go of his boyfriend’s mouth.

And there it came. The other guy on the opposite side of the stage used Kyun’s ex-girlfriend in his part in effort to insult Kyun. While a part of the crowd raged in excitement I.M’s fans were booing him out. For a split second, you could see Changkyun shocked and then something close to disgust came to his face and he smirked arrogantly. I couldn’t say that this part of Chagkyun was a stranger but the truth was I’ve only seen him like this on stage. And let me tell you, it was hella attractive - knowing how soft, funny and friendly Kyun can turn into I.M with fiery stage presence and an arrogant smirk plastered on his face. I’ve seen girls in the pit below the stage go crazy just for a glimpse of that grin. And even though, I was not among them physically, I was definitely a part of his fanclub.

Yet, Kyun still won the battle with a great on-spot comeback, but that didn’t surprise me in the very least. What did shock me though was that very little celebration was held. We didn’t drink much that night, we all left RapGround no more than tipsy and I started to wonder if we grew up and got too old to drink as much as we did not very long ago. Or maybe we got used to Kyun winning and there wasn’t all that much to celebrate.

Just before we enter the campus grounds, I see a girl that I’ve noticed hanging out at RapGround and uni cafeteria catch up with us.

“Hi, you’re I.M, right?” she asks with an excited voice.

“One and only,” Changkyun replies with a cocky grin. I close my eyes momentarily and take a deep breath.

“I was wondering…” her voice trails off as she whispers into Changkyun’s ear. His grin widenes and I have to bite my lip hard to fight back a tear coming into my right eye. I thank God that it was relatively dark and I could hide my face before I start feeling a familiar heaviness on my chest.

Changkyun and the girl say their goodbyes for the night and left the 7-member gang at the gates, rushing towards the dorms, Kyun’s hand on her ass.

“Hyunwoo, see you in the morning,” I say trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. When I look at him, I see worry in his face but I only smile a fake but bright smile nonetheless. “Good night, guys!” I call out and when I turn around to go in the direction of my room I swallow a lump in my thorat and start to mentally prepare for a very rough and long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Sewoon re-appeared and why, oh, why cannot Hanna like someone like him? Someone easier, someone who already likes her back? Why is the fate so cruel to her? T^T Hanna got a little sentimental there before Kyun's battle and Hyungwon's bile rose up all the way up when he saw Minhee *teehihi* :D But what about the girl Changkyun went back to his room with? What the hell was that all about? ╰（‵□′）╯
> 
> What do you think of this chapter? Please share your thoughts with me, I highly value them <3 ^^
> 
> Next time we take a look at the whole situation from a different POV and somebody gets into a fight.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter and sadly, I have to say my story outline says there are only a couple of chapters left in the story... :(
> 
> Anyway, please stay safe and take care of yourselves :) see you next time <3 <3 ^^ byeee


	33. Roots Run Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and happy Saturday to all of you <3 Welcome back at chapter number 33! ^^ This chapter is all in Hoseok's and Hyungwon's POV, so I hope you enjoy that little bit of a change and insight from other characters ^^  
> Without much other talk, I hope you enjoy reading <3

<Hoseok & Hyungwon POV>

Seeing Changkyun walk towards his room with some random girl glued to his side felt like a stab in the back to Hoseok. He wanted to run to his friend and, well… not beat him, Hoseok would never do that. Maybe hug him, but almost crushingly, to the point he would realize that the only girl he should be fighting for is Hanna. Okay, leave out the crushing part, Hoseok couldn’t do violence. He would just hug him.

“Good night, guys!” Hanna called out and headed to her room with a fake looking smile, which Hoseok knew was to reassure Hyunwoo she was fine - what an obvious lie.

“Yep, we’ll head off, too,” Hoseok took Hyungwon’s hand and waved at the four that remained. Hyungwon squeezed his hand and drew Hoseok’s attention to himself, giving him a loving smile.

As they walked a couple steps away, they heard Minhyuk complaining that they’re not like they used to be and it sucked, because he really wanted to go out crazy drinking. New Year’s even was coming and Hoseok was quite happy lying to himself he was preparing his liver for that.

When the two arrived in their shared room, nothing was like a normal Friday night when they would somehow jump at each other and have some great sex. Tonight was different. It felt more like Monday night other than anything else. On Mondays, Hoseok would come late due to diving practice and brush his teeth straight away so he could join Hyungwon on the bed, who at the time Hoseok would get home, was most likely to be listening to some song he was currently working on; or on his phone.

They both brushed their teeth and changed clothes into what they would normally wear to bed, even though usually the answer was ‘nothing’. If you know what the question was in the first place. This all happened in silence, Hoseok was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the concerned glances Hyungwon was giving him.

“Okay, we changed clothes, brushed teeth, now tell me what the hell is going on in that head of yours?” Hyungwon said looking his boyfriend straight in the eye.

“It’s just…” he sighed heavily, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes suddenly. “Don’t you think we should tell him?”

“No.”

“Why not? Did you not see the hurt in Hanna’s eyes?”

“I did see it. But what does it change if we tell him. Hoseokie, you know very well that he has to get the feelings on his own. No one other than Hanna can help him. You were there when I talked to my dad’s friend, who is a pulmonologist. If we tell him, it’s not going to help,” Hyungwon shook his head and opens his arms, inviting his crying boyfriend for a hug.

“But Hanna is so fucking clueless. She won’t do anything. Just the other day Hyunwoo told me she called him in the middle of the night because of extreme suffocation. That is one of the last stages, Wonnie. What if she really dies? What if one day we’ll go to classes but she won’t turn up to lunch, because she dies during the night, the flowers finally strangling her,” Hoseok kept crying in Hyungwon’s arms. The taller hugging him tightly, also thinking about how they could ease their friend’s suffering, how they could deal with this situation so that both of the two come out alive and well. _With feelings attached_.

Hoseok’s body rippled in hard sobs, Hyungwon has heard of Hanna and Hyunwoo long before he’s met them at university. During high school, Hoseok would often mention this crazy girl with an attitude that could bring down a skyscraper, but if you got to know her better, she was the most sacrificing and most loyal friend ever. For a second, he thought of an easier time and for a split second regretted introducing Changkyun to Hanna, because if he thought about it, it was all his fault. 2 years ago, had he not introduced Jooheon and Changkyun to the gang, Hanna would not be in this situation right now. Hyungwon blamed himself even though he knew in the back of his mind that was not his fault at all. Just this weird shard panged his heart, wishing he would have done things differently.

“You know, I didn’t tell you, Hoseokie, but when we first found about Hanna’s condition I blamed myself,” Hyungwon started off and Hoseok’s sobs stopped abruptly.

“What? Why would you?”

“Because I was the one, who asked Jooheon and Changkyun to join us at that lunch over 2 years ago. Had I not asked them, she wouldn’t have met him and she wouldn’t have fallen sick and would now worry about the next winter champs rather that worry about choking to death,” Hyungwon admitted.

Hoseok looked up at him, cheeks stained with tears but eyes were dry now, full of confusion. “Wonnie, that’s just stupid. Then I could blame myself for agreeing to introduce you to Hanna and Hyunwoo. That’s like as if I was blaming myself for Heoney’s heartbreak caused by Minhyuk’s rejection. It’s not true _and_ it’s stupid.”

“I know, it’s just this one shard of ‘ _what ifs’_. But I know that had I been at the table, knowing Hanna would fall into Hanahaki because of Changkyun, I think I would have done the same thing and call them to come over and have lunch for the first time as a gang. I love what kind of friends we turned out to be,” Hyungwon smiled a sad smile, memories of good times, laughs and parties popping into his mind.

“Me too… but maybe, Won… could we try hinting him?”

“No,” Hyungwon sighed.

“Why not? He’s dense, he won’t get them,” Hoseok pressed on and Hyungwon released the embrace and laid his tiring almost sober body on the bed. Hoseok followed him, but just laid next to him without touching the other.

“Kyun is not dense. He is very intelligent and very emphatic. I think he’s just ignoring any kind of hint from Hanna or the ones that his brain comes with,” Hyungwon defended his best friend.

“He’s not dense in this way? For how long has he dated that bitch?” Hoseok asked with a raised voice. Really, who in their right mind would have dated Minhee?

“That again was just ignorance. He very precisely ignored every single pointer that she gave him about using him to get what she wanted,” Hyungwon kept on with the defense.

“Okay, what about when the whole time he didn’t know that Kihyun and Hyunwoo had feelings or each other?”

“Uhhh, that too was ignorance. He only ignored the fact that there could be something because they’d known each other for so long...” Hyungwon was speaking slowly as if he was coming up with this on the spot - the assumption being absolutely correct. And then he finally broke: “Okay, okay, I have no more defending statements for Changkyun. I guess he might be a little dense when it comes to Hanna.”

“Exactly,” Hoseok wiggled closer and kissed Hyungwon on the cheek. Hyungwon turned his head towards Hoseok to let their lips meet. He snaked his hand to the nape of Hoseok’s neck and threaded his fingers through the fine hair that grew there, pulling him tighter against himself, closer and closer to feel his body heat everywhere.

Hoseok _loved_ when Hyungwon got like this, when he initiated the kiss like this - it warmed his heart knowing his boyfriend wanted him the same way he did. He guided his hand to Hyungwon’s hip where his thumb drew small circles across the sensitive skin. He knew so well this was one of the spots that Hyungwon felt the tingling the most.

“Hoseok…” Hyungwon sighed in a weak voice, throwing his head slightly back baring his fair-skinned neck.

“Uhmm?” Hoseok got the memo about invitation and kissed the spot where Hyungwon’s neck meets his shoulders - another sensitive spot of his. A quiet short moan sounded through the room as Hoseok ever so lightly sucked on the porcelain skin.

The room was quiet but not silent - the sounds of rustling clothes against the bed sheets, the sound of lips against skin and the sounds of the two caressing each other flowed through the room like the most beautiful harmony.

“Why did we even get dressed?” Hyungwon questioned when he pushed his hand under Hoseok’s shirt on the back and felt the muscles under his shoulder flex and his boyfriend moved his hand over Hyungwon’s body.

“Hyungwon?” Hoseok took a small moment to speak before diving in or a deep passionate kiss that left both of them breathless with swollen lips.

“Mmm?” Hyungwon couldn’t bring himself to even utter a word when he started to push Hoseok’s shirt up and drag it over his head, while simultaneously pushing his knee upward creating space for friction that Hoseok so very much needed.

“Stop talking,” Hoseok replied pushing one of his hands down into Hyungwon’s pants, stroking him lightly. Hyungwon hated to do that but he actually let out a small laughter and felt Hoseok smile against his own lips too.

“Am I amusing to you?” Hoseok mocked him.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon replied but out of nowhere yelped when Hoseok squeezed his butt hard. But this only made him laugh more. Now, Hoseok was laughing too and they became a mess of hands, sighs and quiet moans.

Hyungwon has said the three words many times in his life and was sure that he would say them many times from now.

And Hoseok knew how he would always answer with 4 words.

Hoseok woke up first - of course. His sleepy head boyfriend would not be up for the next maybe even 3 hours. So Hoseok had time to go to diving practice and make it back before Hyungwon even woke up.

He put on sweats and hoodie, a parka and shoes by the door, grabbed his bag and headed out to the pool. There were days when he was so happy that he transferred from swimming to diving. One of the reasons was that here at university the diving practice was later than swimming. It was great sleeping in that extra hour.

Walking into the locker room, Hoseok heard the juniors were already there getting changed and talking about what level of hangover they’re on. Hoseok came in, greeted them but didn’t want to disturb their conversation because, if Hoseok was to be honest, he found it quite amusing because he had had these conversations with the other team members in the past 2 years too. Maybe he was really getting old, like Minhyuk said.

“Let’s go, everyone!” Hoseok called out when he saw everyone was ready to leave the locker rooms. “Dryland! Let’s go, let’s go!”

The coach has put them through yet another excruciating hour of Saturday morning dryland. Hoseok has been suspecting for more than 2 years now that the coach did it because he was a sadist and enjoyed making the guys, who had a hangover suffer, as if to punish them for going out the previous night. The problem was that it never worked, even the ones, who complained the most would still go drinking and would still turn up in the morning with a hangover. It was an enchanted circle that even Hoseok got himself into fairly often too anyway.

As the boys were heading to the diving tower, Hoseok looked to the swimming pool where it seemed the professional team was about to end their 2 hours. He spotted Hyunwoo and Hanna as they boosted themselves out of the water and sat on the edge of the pool telling something to the junior in their lanes. The coach looked like she was approving of what the two were telling them and for a second Hoseok wondered what it would be like to be a part of their team. He was the captain of diving team, so he gave pep talks from a time to time, but more often than not he was the messenger owl between the coach and his team mates, bringing complaints from one side to the other. His coach was quite the dominant guy, so Hoseok never really even wanted to give somebody a motivational speech.

Hyunwoo and Hanna started packing their stuff and Hoseok looked to the tower and noticed his team mates were getting ready for the 10 meter tower today. _Oh, great!_ Hoseok quickly walked over to Hyunwoo and grabbed him by the shoulder.

“Hoseok, hey, aren’t you supposed to be over there?” Hyunwoo asked in an exhausted voice.

“Yeah, but I have a question. How’s Hanna?”

“What do you mean?” Hyunwoo quirked an eyebrow at him, not understanding what’s going on.

“I mean, I don’t understand how he could do that last night. He didn’t even know the girl for fuck’s sake,” Hoseok groaned in frustration at the end.

“Ooohh, that. Yeah, well… she looks rather tired. I guess she didn’t sleep much.”

“What should we do about him?” Hoseok pressed on.

“Hoseok, I feel the same way you do. But there is nothing we _can_ do,” Hyunwoo sighed sadly.

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the worst thing ever,” Hoseok hung up his head in disappointment.

“I wanted to say ‘don’t worry’, but then that would be quite hypocritical since I worry myself,” Hyunwoo laughed shortly at his assumption.

“Yeah, anyway. See later for movie night,” Hoseok took a couple of steps backwards and Hyunwoo waved at him. After all he had a practice to get back to.

**~MID-NOVEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

Hyungwon was in the studio with Changkyun and Jooheon listening to Jooheon’s new song before he releases it, giving him some last minute feedback. There was a knock on the door suddenly and through the glass part of the door the three could see panting Hanna.

Changkyun stood up to go open the door. As soon as Hanna came in, she blurted out: “Guys, you won’t believe what happened!”

Jooheon looked genuinely interested, Changkyun was intrigued by what could have made Hanna sprint there to tell them something that could be in the group chat so that everyone knows. Hyungwon was just surprised that Hanna wasn’t coughing.

Hanna’s panting seemed to calm down enough for her to tell them the story of what happened. “Minhyuk got into a fight!” Her face was so lit up by what she’s just told them but silence enveloped the room, disbelief floated around mixing with the stale oxygen of a windowless room.

“What?!” Hyungwon exclaimed first.

“Minhyuk? Lee Minhyuk?” Jooheon followed along the stream of disbelief for this story, because let’s be honest here - Minhyuk got into a fight? Lee Minhyuk that was a loud barking dog that would never bite, got into a fight? “Nah, impossible.”

“Hanna, you missed April fools by more than half a year,” Changkyun shook his head.

“I’m not kidding!” Hanna said with wide, excited eyes. “I think he’s even going to have a black eye.”

“Why did he get into a fight?” Jooheon asked, his brows now knitted tightly together creating a very confused frown.

“I don’t know, I’ve just seen him being pulled away by Kihyun and then the campus security was around them, taking them both towards the office and I ran here so that I could share this with you.”

“Why didn’t you just put it into the chat? There was no need to rush here like that,” Changkyun asked calm now, almost seemed uninterested at this point.

Hanna’s smile and excitement left her face at Changkyun’s remark and it was just such a sad sight to see. “Because I wanted to see your faces, but I guess _not_ …” Hyungwon noticed the shallow breaths Hanna started to take and he frowned. “I’ll go. I’m _busy_ anyway.” Hanna picked up her bag she’d thrown by the door and left without saying bye.

Hyungwon’s blood was boiling even though normally he was a fairly calm person, Changkyun _really_ pissed him off right now. “You really can be such an asshole sometimes, Changkyun.”

“What?” Changkyun looked at him confused.

“You do know how to kick someone down. She literally just wanted to share a story about what happened to one of out best friends, but once you’re not interested in someone they become trash or what?” Hyungwon has _NEVER_ been this aggressive with his friend before - there was no need for that, but after what Changkyun pulled that night of the battle, Hyungwon couldn’t let go anymore. The tone of his voice showed how angry he felt with Changkyun and he would continue to rain words on him if Jooheon hadn’t spoken.

“Yeah, I kinda wanted to hear what she had to say, Changkyun,” Jooheon said softly, looking a little afraid of Hyungwon’s anger right now.

“So now it’s all my fault?” Changkyun barked out angry, frustrated and annoyed to the breaking point.

“Kinda… yeah,” Hyungwon nodded and picked up his bag from the floor and headed out without a bye as well.

Hyungwon found Hanna before he even knew he was searching for her. She was sitting outside the music building near the smoking area, she was clutching the inhaler in her hand and breathing shallowly.

“Hanna!” Hyungwon called out. She turned her hand to him, instinctively hiding the inhaler. Only when she noticed it was Hyungwon she relaxed a little bit. “You okay? Do you need some help?”

“I’m fine, nothing wrong with me,” she replied but Hyungwon wasn’t convinced.

“Yeah, tell that to you know who,” Hyungwon shook his head and sat next to her, draping one arm around her shoulder. “Can you breathe?”

“The inhaler helps lots, to be honest.”

“Can I ask you something about the Hanahaki?” Hyungwon questioned in a small voice.

“If you ask me if I told my mom, I will not respond, I’ve already covered this with Hyunwoo and it ended up in us almost drowning each other in the diving pool after one practice,” Hanna rolls her eyes but Hyungwon noticed it must have been a fun memory.

“No, it’s not about that.”

“Okay, then what is it?” she took is so nonchalantly Hyungwon could barely believe it.

“I talked to my dad’s friend, who is a pulmonologist some time ago. After Hoseok and I confronted you about it the first time. He told me something about the flowers that grown in the lungs, since he had some knowledge on that because one of his good friends did a PhD research on it a couple of years ago,” Hyungwon began explaining, but Hanna’s impatient look just made him cut to the chase. “He said that the flowers don’t only symbolize the favorite flower of the patient but also their type of loving.”

“I’m not sure I’m following,” Hanna admitted.

“It’s like when… your favorite flower is rose you love painfully but beautifully with all your heart. If the flower in your lungs is a meadow flower you love in seasons - your love gets stronger and weaker around the time, grows and withers fastly. And if the flower is a tree, which is supposedly pretty rare, you love _deeply_ , which is caused by the roots of the tree; _strongly_ , as if supported by the strong branches; and _loyally_ because of the length of a tree’s life. The love of a person like that grows slowly like the tree itself, but once it had time to grow, the roots are deep and the branches strong, the love is beautiful and lasts the whole life, creating shelter whether it’s summer or winter.”

Hanna seemed to be giving it some thought before she smiled a soft smile and looked into Hyungwon’s eyes with a gleam that he only recognized as loving happiness. “Then I’m sure, had Hoseok not returned your love, you would’ve had a tree of your own.”

Hyungwon’s lips turned into a smile and he thought about it for a second. Nodding his head slowly he said to Hanna: “Yeah, I think I would.” He sighed loudly and looked up at the cloudy sky. “Now, do you know any back story to Minhyuk’s fight?”

“Oh, yeah,” Hanna turned into story telling mode and started explaining the ins and outs of Minhyuk’s fight from high school and possible explanations on what could have caused this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you just love how home-y and beautiful the Hyungwonho relationship is?<3 And Hyungwon being the best friend again and telling Hanna about the meanings of the flowers? And Minhyuk got into a physical fight O.O But I'm sorry, what the hell is going on with Changkyun, why was he mean like that? （≧□≦）
> 
> So what are your thoughts on this chapter? Please share them with me, I love reading your comments <3 ^-^
> 
> Next chapter will be all in Changkyun's POV and we get somewhat of a vague answer of why he acted like he did in today's chapter and he writes a new song.
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter and I wish you a beautiful weekend. ^^ Please take care and stay safe! Bye bye ~(￣▽￣)~*


	34. I Don't Like Your Tactic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello hello. This next was a fast written one and guys I have come to a final chapter count! So now you know for how much longer I am going to make these characters suffer -_-' *heh*. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter with extremely confused Changkyun and his view of the events. <3

<Changkyun POV>

Changkyun didn’t understand what got into him when he got so irritated with Hanna. He felt bad about it now that Hyungwon pointed out his mistakes. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so harsh. _Why_ had he been so harsh? Was it because of last night when that random girl he fucked after his latest win at RapGround called him asking if he’s down for one more night?

He felt like shit the morning after he’d slept with her, not to mention how he would feel if he fucked her again. It wasn’t like the sex had been bad and he didn’t enjoy it or anything. It was fucking great! Not even his ex was anywhere close to what this girl could do with her mouth, but Changkyun still felt like shit in the morning and he hadn’t had a single clue as to why he felt that way.

And last night he straight out rejected that girl, which made him feel a little better about himself but he kept thinking about the morning after and it has kept him up so many nights in these last 2 weeks. What the hell was going on with him?

“Song’s good, just tweak the stuff Won and I mentioned and you’re good,” Changkyun told Jooheon as he started to pack his stuff back into his bag.

“You’re leaving?” Jooheon asked a little bit shocked since Changkyun used to hang out with him a lot when Jooheon was almost near the finish line.

“Yeah, there’s some issues I need to deal with at the library with my entrance card and I think I got inspiration for a new song, too,” Changkyun lied to his best friend. The truth was he just wanted to be left alone with his thoughts and try to figure out what the hell they meant so he could move on from his block. He hasn’t been able to get over that last song that Hanna said sounded like he had been in pain.

He got up to leave and for a second he thought, he would actually go back to the studio he had booked out and listen to some painful songs as he was just in a mood for that but then he decided it would be better if he had only been enclosed in the silence of his own room.

Before he walked out of the building through the glass wall he noticed two familiar figures sitting near the smoking area just left of the entrance to the building. It was Hanna hugged by Hyungwon. She looked sad while listening to what Hyungwon was telling her. Changkyun’s curiosity peaked and he really wanted to hear what Hyungwon was saying but he didn’t have the courage to walk through the glass door and hope to be unseen so he could eavesdrop on their conversation. Chankgyun also didn’t know where this sudden desire to know what made Hanna this sad came from. But then suddenly her eyes turned dreamy and she gave Hyungwon a half-sad/half-happy smile and there was a gleam in her eyes that just looked so pretty on her. _Wait, where did that come from?_

Hanna looked Hyungwon in the eye and said something that made both of them smile. Out of nowhere Changkyun wanted to be the recipient of her smile, to be the one who gets the honor to see that gleam from the first row and to be the one who hugs her when she’s sad. Not that he had anything against Hyungwon; he just wanted to be the one who’s there for Hanna.

“What the fuck?” Changkyun whispered to himself and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration with himself and his thoughts. He didn’t understand them what-so-ever. So instead of trying to walk past them without having disturbed them, Changkyun decided to take the long way, which meant back up the stairs and go to the 3rd floor of the music building which was connected by a roofed bridge to the dance building and finally the fine arts building, where he exited the joined art building many students called ‘the grove’ because it was encircled with many trees, looking like it was built inside a park.

That night, Changkyun could not sleep at all again, he was tossing and turning for very little reason. Something was bothering his mind, and when he sat at the small desk he had in his dorm room and powered up his music composing program, the song almost created itself.

Before Changkyun could realize what time it was, the song was done, finished lyrics on a scrap paper that sat next to him loudly screaming with black ink on white paper. This deep kind of trance wasn’t something that Changkyun has never experienced but it was unusual and by habit something would trigger it. Last time this happened it was after a battle he lost when one of his opponents said something that kick-started Changkyun’s song creating desire.

He had no idea what had started this one, but he was grateful he hasn’t lost his touch after that song Hanna didn’t really like, while it was a great song, painful or not. He decided to name this new song ‘ _U R_ ’.

It came out quite obvious out of the lyrics. Changkyun took a minute to think about the song and realized there was one problem he bumped into now. He needed a vocalist for this song, as this was not a rap only song. Changkyun didn’t know how a song like this was even born from his mind but he felt a sudden rush of happiness because it made him feel as is he had moved forward in his song making.

He was exploring new waters and it made him high on the feeling of accomplishment. Now that he identified the problem with producing the song, he ran into another. _Where am I going to get a vocalist that would suit this song?_

He then thought of Kihyun - he remembered his voice was great back then when the gang had gone to karaoke.

When a more reasonable morning hour came, he asked Kihyun to meet him for lunch, to which Kihyun texted back a simple ‘of course’. Now Changkyun was nervously waiting for Kihyun to come, but he knew the gang would join. He wasn’t worried of course, but he was nervous about asking Kihyun when he new about his stage fright. But studio singing is not the same as singing on stage, so Changkyun hoped he could do it.

**~LATE NOVEMBER - 3RD YEAR AT UNI~**

Something felt off. Changkyun could tell. And if he could tell, then _definitely_ something was off.

Minhyuk plopped down next to him in the library, where they all agreed to meet in group study to put some work in before Christmas break started in just over 3 weeks. Most people didn’t do that, but somehow Kihyun managed to convince everyone to come down and do some work, which then they would have to do over the break, which meant it would be postponed after the break and then rushed in the last study week before semestral exams.

It’s not like he wasn’t right and Kihyun knew it. Somehow this year everyone agreed to meet in the group study as they used to all be quite busy, therefore even the big group lunches were more of a luxury than what it used to be. All 7 of them were there now that Minhyuk has arrived. Only Hanna was missing.

These last 2 weeks Hanna was usually missing. It bothered Changkyun, because it somehow felt as if she was avoiding him. The guys would tell him she normally had lunch with them when he wasn’t there, but then once, he’d even seen her turn on her heel when she saw him sitting at the table. She never showed up when he called her to the studio and barely replied in their private chat when he asked. Usually picked one-word answers and never elaborating on them, which was so unlike Hanna it made Changkyun wonder what the hell was going on.

“Is Hanna joining?” Changkyun asked Hyunwoo.

“She went to silent study. She said these days concentration is not her cup of tea and apparently there is some research she has to do, plus she also doesn’t feel like hauling all the books from the medical wing to here. So she went to the silent area in the medical wing,” Hyunwoo explained. Changkyun almost didn’t notice how Hyunwoo dismissed Hyungwon’s worried glance. _Almost._

He thought about it for a couple of minutes, making pointless doodles on the edges of his notebook. He needed to get Hyungwon alone and question him about the worried glance because what the hell that was all about.

Changkyun has began to wonder what the hell was going on with Hanna and why she’s been acting so weird since she was usually up to any activity or hang out the group came up with, many times it was her, who called the hang out anyway.

He stood up to go look for Hanna, he needed to talk to her, needed to know what was bothering her enough to avoid them.

“Where are you going?” Minhyuk asked.

“Bathroom,” Changkyun squinted his eyes at Minhyuk. “Am I not allowed?”

“We just came,” Minhyuk shrugged.

“I didn’t wanna go when we came. Minhyuk, why are you being weird?”

“I’m being weird?”

“Yeah, you’re not Kihyun, you’re not my mom-“ Changkyun didn’t manage to finish before being interrupted.

“I’m not your mom, either,” Kihyun said semi-loudly to get his point across.

“Sometimes you act like that, though,” Changkyun, Jooheon and Hyungwon turned to him and said in one voice.

“Now, if Minhyuk doesn’t mind… I really need to go,” Changkyun walked away from the group’s desk and went in the direction of the bathrooms, which were in the hallway that also had the back staircase that led to all the other floors. So when he reached the hallway instead of going right to the bathrooms he went left to the stairs and started ascending.

The medical wing was on the 5th floor of the library along with the silent area used by students, who enjoyed studying alone. Changkyun wondered what it was like to study alone in silence but quickly realized when he walked in through the door from the hallway that it was definitely nothing for him. There was a stale silence in the air, occasionally interrupted by a small cough or a sound of a turning page. Changkyun would probably even feel sick if he had to sit in one of the cubicles that looked like sick joke from a movie set of a corporate office.

He searched through the first big room of the silent study but Hanna was nowhere to be seen. So he went on and entered the second room on the other side of the main staircase. The sight was much nicer as the room was composed of long desks with students sitting on both sides with short dividers between them. It felt like a normal library study except there was compulsory silence and notices everywhere on the wall that if you noticed someone making noise, you can discreetly text some code to certain number and library security would come deal with it. Changkyun was a third year student at this university and this was his first time in this part of the library.

Suddenly, he noticed a familiar head bending over a couple of books and notebooks. He made a beeline to Hanna and once he reached her, he put his hand on her shoulder without saying anything of course (it was the silent are after all).

Hanna jumped up in her chair from the scare and hissed out: “ _Jesus fuckin’ Christ!!”_ She looked up and once she her eye laid on Changkyun she deeply exhaled, calming herself down. “What the fuck, Changkyun?” she whispered.

“I need to talk to you,” whispered Changkyun.

“Right now? I need to cram this,” she pointed to her books but Changkyun was quick enough before to spot that her instagram was opened on the explore page. The screen was black now from the automatic screen saving feature.

“With instagram?” he quirked his brow as he squatted down so that they’re not as visible to the others. “Just follow me to the hallway.” He stands up and heads to the hallway where they could talk. Changkyun doesn’t turn around to check if Hanna is following him because in the whole sickening silence he would hear a pin drop.

The door to the hallway opened and closed and now both of them stood in the hallway.

Changkyun turned to his best friend and barked out: “What the fuck, Hanna?”

“What ‘what the fuck’, Changkyun?” she hissed back annoyed shooting Kyun an annoyed look.

“Why are you avoiding us?” Changkyun pressed on in a quiet voice, after all they were still near the silent study area and none of them were in need to get kicked out of the library for the day.

“What? I’m not avoiding anybody,” Hanna rolled her eyes in a big motion to emphasize her statement.

Changkyun didn’t buy into that at all. “Bullshit. You are the most social person when you study and somehow you always manage to cram the medicine studies to pass with As, at worst Bs. And now, you can’t? I call bullshit.”

“Oh, so I’m bullshitting you just because I need to study?” she crossed her arms in front of her chest, taking a defensive stance.

“Just tell me what the fuck is going on with you?” Changkyun kept on asking the same question relentlessly.

“You know, not that it’s any of your concern, but there is something women have and it’s called a period. I’m on it and I’m really touchy right now, so I suggest you drop whatever is running through your mind at the moment,” she lied straight to Kyun’s face and he knew it. He knew her in and out, thanks to which he could very well tell when she was lying or not. And she was lying so bad, her nose was growing.

“That’s not it and you fucking know that I can see in it your eyes when you lie,” and this time it was Changkyun, who folded his arms, but he took the offensive in this battle.

“Oh, now I get it. You want me to show you or what?” Hanna was getting more and more irritated.

“No. But you’ve definitely been on your period since I’ve met you and you’ve never been like this. So just go pack your shit and come to group study,” Changkyun pushed the last sentence through his gritted teeth. Hanna was starting to seriously piss him off.

“So now you think that just because you’ve identified a part of the problem, you can tell me what to do?” she had the audacity to smirk and bite at Kyun’s last remark.

“Okay, so it’s only a part of the problem. Well then go ahead, tell me what the fuck the rest of the problem is! Why the fuck are you avoiding us?”

“And what makes you think that I’m not avoiding _you_?” spitting out the last word, Changkyun had to take a step back because of the shock it caused him. She’s never said anything that would make Changkyun feel like she’s avoiding him. Did that mean she talked to everyone else but him? Why she has turned on her heel the other in front of the cafeteria? Was that the reason she hasn’t come when he called her 2 weeks ago to the studio to listen to the demo version of ‘ _U R_ ’?

“Why the fuck would you be avoiding me?” Changkyun asked confused.

“I don’t know… have you tried looking into the mirror this morning?” she turned around and headed back to the silent area, the door shutting behind her and Changkyun was left by himself in the silence of the hallway.

_Have you tried looking into the mirror?_

_Am I the problem?_

**~COUPLE OF DAYS LATER, END OF NOVEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

It’s been almost 3 weeks that Hanna has started avoiding them.

 _No, not them. Me,_ Changkyun thought to himself. He has ‘locked’ himself in the studio for all the hours he could, skipping all the lectures with the excuse of feeling rather sick. It’s been 4 days since the only thing Changkyun has done was to wake up, dress in the same jeans and a clean t-shirt and go to the studio, buy coffee and energy drink on the way, stay in the studio until he felt like he was going to faint from hunger, buy a really bad tasting sandwich and go back to the studio until the guard told him it was time to leave for the night because he was locking the building, so Changkyun went home, brushed his teeth and washed his face, laid down and waited for sleep that hardly came these last 3 nights just to do it all over again the next day.

His mind kept swarming around what Hanna told him a couple of days ago.

_What makes you think I’m not avoiding you?_

_Have you tried looking into the mirror?_

_What makes you think I’m not avoiding you?_

_Have you tried looking into the mirror?_

These sentences were on repeat and they stole every possible minute from Changkyun’s well of attention. And the only other thing he could concentrate on right now was making music. Everyday now he fell into that trance that he fell into when he wrote ‘U R’. He’s never experienced this before and would love to know what fueled it, what the reason was that his mind suddenly worked like that.

“Oh my God, Kyun,” the door to the studio opened and Hyungwon walked in. Chankgyun turned around to greet his best friend, who noticed the dark circles underneath his eyes and only shook his head. “You look terrible, man? Do you even sleep?”

“No,” Changkyun sighed. “I can’t. I keep having something stuck in my mind and it’s not music.”

Hyungwon watched Changkyun push himself away from the table and put his head into his palms in a frustrated gesture. “What is it then? If you care to share, of course. I remember that one time you completely closed off once, so no pressure.”

“Nah. It’s Hanna.”

“Hanna?” Hyungwon asked carefully.

“Yeah, you remember the group study we went for earlier this week and I went to the bathroom right away?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“I went upstairs to talk to Hanna. To basically ask her why she’s avoiding us.”

“And what did she say?”

“That she’s avoiding me,” he sighed again but this time there was a tinge of sadness in the expression.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything but had a look on his face that confirmed Changkyun he knew something but for sure wasn’t spilling. Hyungwon was the type that no matter how much one would pressure, one would get nothing if Hyungwon just decided he wouldn’t say anything just once and for all.

“But why the fuck would she be avoiding me? Won, what did I do?” Changkyun threw in the air desperately. He felt like crying and didn’t understand why. His whole core hurt from the thought that Hanna, Hanna out of all people, would avoid him for some reason. Trivial or serious. At first Changkyun thought it was his pride that was hurting, but it wasn’t. The problem remained that he couldn’t identify what was hurting… “What the fuck did I do?”

“Some people change, Changkyun,” Hyungwon said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun wrote U R in this chapter and (spoiler) it's very important for what's coming in the next chapter ^^ But Hanna and Changkyun fought a bit again and she is just so freaking stubborn it pains me. Wouldn't you just like to beat some sense into her? And Hyungwon, the mysterious but good friend, enters the scene again - he said he wouldn't hint but there he goes. Don't you just love him?
> 
> What do you think about this one? Did you like it? Please, please share what you thought with me <3 <3
> 
> In the next chapter a revelation time happens, apologies are given and I also plan to explain something at the end notes next time. So please come back for chapter 35! <3 ^^
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading, hope you have a great week and let's 'see' each other next time ^^ But until then, as always, please take care and enjoy the last of the summer days <3 <3 byeee (～￣▽￣)～


	35. Do People Normally Change?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii ^^ the gang is back with a chapter full of revelations. 
> 
> And as I mentioned in the previous chapter the notes at the end of this chapter hold an explanation I owe you, just so that the rest of the story can be understood better.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading the chapter ^^ <3

<Changkyun POV>

Hyungwon has left the studio not long after he came in, abandoning Changkyun to his own thoughts. Sitting in a spinning chair was was the best thing that could’ve happened to Kyun’s mind right now as he was pushing himself with the tip of his shoe off the floor round and round on the chair. The room was in a blur but Changkyun didn’t feel any dizziness from the motion. Rather he felt dizzy because of how his mind was racing and playing the same thoughts on repeat for Changkyun like a broken record player.

_What makes you think I’m not avoiding you?_

_Have you tried looking into the mirror?_

_What did I do wrong?_

_Some people change, Changkyun._

These 4 went on repeat until Changkyun felt a little crazy.

Changkyun thought of all the ways he could have changed. But he came with none. He hasn’t changed, he’s always been the same - only maybe when he was in the relationship with Minhee, he’d been a little different, but after the break up he went right back to how he’d always been. He was the same. So what changed?

_Did Hanna change?_

_Why would she change?_

_But she was the same as always…_

Changkyun kept spinning on the chair until the old night guard, who was quite fond of Changkyun actually, had to shake him awake from this bizarre trance he got himself into.

**~EARLY DECEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

It took Changkyun ages to get Kihyun to come down to the studio and record the vocals for ‘ _U R_ ’. He even got Jooheon as the second rapper and Hyungwon as sub-vocalist to participate. But getting Kihyun was the most difficult thing he’s done in a while.

Not only Changkyun has followed Kihyun around begging for about 2 weeks, he also had to bribe Hyunwoo with food and coffee when all the begging has failed. Not that it was difficult to get Hyunwoo on his side, but it was somewhat weird to be asking a taken best friend (who is dating another best friend of yours) to let you buy him chicken and beer. Changkyun didn’t care about the money he put into it because in the end it was all worth it - Hyunwoo has had a full stomach and Changkyun had help to get Kihyun into the studio. It was a win-win situation, after all.

Now that he’s finally got Kihyun in the recording and was just giving him directions of where to go with his voice and which octave he should be in when Ki was unsure about a certain part of the song, Changkyun zoned out a little bit. He got lost in his thoughts again. This actually became a habit of his fairly recently - zoning out and losing himself in the racing thoughts.

As Changkyun was listening to the song for the last couple of times to make some final tweaks before presenting it to everyone he realized in the back of his mind, totally out of the blue, that he wanted Hanna to not only be the first one to hear, but also maybe the only one. The question of ‘ _why_ ’ has risen up in the rational part of his brain speaking. The other part, Changkyun had to admit a somewhat small one, answered the question quietly, almost hesitantly - _because you wrote it for her._

Changkyun thought about it for a couple of moments and it felt true, but he really had no clue as to why it felt like that. Why would he write such a song for Hanna? Why would he write any song for Hanna? Any song for anyone? He swore he would never do commissions…

 _Some people change, Changkyun._ Suddenly Hyungwon’s parting words from almost 2 weeks ago popped up in Changkyun’s mind (which happened quite often lately, he had to admit). And somehow they made a little more sense and became more confusing at the same time. How was that even possible?

Changkyun grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled in frustration eliciting a groan that must have been one that he hasn’t made in quite a while, if ever. He was so annoyed, so fed up with his own mind. What was going on with him? He even refused a battle at RapGround claiming his studies intensified before the winter break and he had a lot to work on. These days being focused was not a strong point of Changkyun’s and he barely ever felt like doing something other than spending time in the studio.

_Some people change, Changkyun._

And then, in that very moment a neon light blinked on in Changkyun’s head and an exasperated sigh accompanied with a harsh rub over his eyes came out of him. And just like that he realized why he wrote ‘ _U R_ ’ for Hanna _._

_The answer was there the entire time, hidden in the lyrics._

<Back to Hanna POV>

Christmas was just around the corner and the Hanahaki symptoms were only getting worse and worse if I’m being honest. These days, I choked 6 out of 7 nights a week, I barely slept and lost enough weight for Kihyun to notice again. My times in the pool were significantly worse as I was weaker and weaker. I’ve started to avoid almost everyone from the group, including Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Hyungwon, who knew about the small pink blooming tree in my lungs. I didn’t want to worry them with how dark my under eye areas were or how my cheekbones stood out more than usually or how much I how many holes I had to add onto my belts. And almost every night I went to sleep in fear I might not wake up the next day.

My whole body was in pain, day and night. I had to remind myself every day now that I can still undergo the surgery and that it might be the only option for me to get out of this alive, but somehow I didn’t want to think about it at all. I didn’t want to lose my ability to love, to feel romantically towards someone. But on the other hand, I wasn’t sure I wanted to die either.

I woke up on Friday from restless light sleep with my head banging, throbbing right behind my eyes, therefore my eyes were hurting and everything looked blurry. I rolled over onto my side on the bed and checked the time on my phone. _5:39AM_.

 _Great_. I definitely won’t fall asleep anymore and I have more than 3 hours before my first lecture, but I felt weak enough to not go. Then I noticed I got some messages from Changkyun. I pondered whether to open it or not. Before opening it, I wondered what time he sent it because I was sure he wouldn’t be up this early, but he could have been up this late…

He sent the messages at 3:26AM. So he was up that late… I opened the messaging app and went to the chat.

**~Private chat** between users _I.M_ and _walking chlorine~_

 **[I.M]** : han?

 **[I.M]** : i know it took me a while to text u

 **[I.M]** : and im sorry abt that

 **[I.M]** : but i want to apologize

 **[I.M]** : idk what i did for u to avoid me

 **[I.M]** : but it must be serious

 **[I.M]** : and im rly sorry

 **[I.M]** : can we meet pls?

 **[I.M]** : i just wanna know u r ok…

 **[I.M]** : im sorry…

 **[I.M]** : really

I didn’t even realize how or why, but suddenly tears were spilling out of the corners of my eyes, staining the pillow below my face. The tears were flowing down in pretty strong streams and would not stop. For a minute or two I wondered what the reason I even started crying was… but something in me broke and I felt happiness before I started to cough my lungs out for the next 10 minutes.

**~Private chat** between users _I.M_ and _walking chlorine~_

 **[walking chlorine]** : lets meet in the art building café ard 8.00 before the 1st lecture

 **[I.M]** : i’ll be there :)

I gotta say the surprise was tremendous when Changkyun replied right away. _How is it possible he’s up?_

I arrive at the café before 8AM, of course - I’ve been up for hours anyway. So I decide to get coffee in the nearly empty café, just a couple of students roaming the hallways as they head to editing suites, painting ateliers or photography studios.

I notice Changkyun walk in and have to admit he looks better than ever. The blond hair he had at the beginning of the year is all gone now thanks to his new hair cut that has been mentioned in the group chat. The hair is shorter than it used to be during the whole time I’ve known him. But it suits him. I’m used to not completely seeing his eyes if he wears his hair down, but now I can clearly see his eyebrows beneath the straighter bangs.

Changkyun comes closer and smiles when he sees me, but the next second as he walks even closer and sits down opposite me, his smile falters.

“Han, you lost weight, again,” he says sadly. And without a ‘hello’. His face shows a full-on worried expression.

“A little bit,” I admit, also omitting the greeting.

“More than you think,” he takes a better look at me and I think to myself: _I know_. “Are you not eating enough?” He seemed really concerned and I had to push down a cough, but I don’t succeed.

“I don’t know. I think it might be the pneumonia again,” I explain why I’m coughing even though he didn’t ask. I guess it’s more of a habit now.

“Do you not have the inhaler for that? Was it not supposed to help you?”

“It was, but I’m not sure what’s going on at this point.”

He sighs, but thankfully doesn’t dissect it further. “Let me buy you breakfast then.”

“I’m okay, I have coffee,” I point to the steaming drink in front of me.

“That’s not proper breakfast,” he shakes his head and I see worry deepen in his eyes. _Have I really lost that much weight that Im Changkyun wants to buy me food? Im Changkyun? Is this some kind of a sick joke? Did Kihyun put him up to this?_

“I’m not in the mood to eat. I have absolutely no appetite,” I wonder if he even understood my last sentence as I coughed all the way through it. My lungs were hurting so much that I feared breathing. How much longer will I endure this for?

“Okay then, I won’t push you. I don’t want to be Kihyun,” he left the topic as fast as he entered it. _What the fuck is going on with Changkyun? I don’t understand why he’s acting so strange._

I laugh shortly and ironically. “Please don’t.” Then I cough again, this time thankfully it’s short and painless.

“It’s nice to see your smile after so many weeks,” he tells me returning a smile of his, I think this was #4. Yes, I know them well enough to have them numbered. #4 is the ‘sincere smile’.

“Barely a month, honestly,” I smirk, only lifting the right corner of my lips.

“Well, I was used to seeing it all the time so…”

This has me choking on my coffee. No, this was not a Hanahaki cough - this was actually me snorting hot coffee up my nose. That’s how much I inhaled it. I collect myself quickly and look at Kyun, who has an amused smile plastered on his face. “But is my smile the reason you called me here?”

“Not the first reason,” he shrugs it off gently and keeps on smiling kindly, “but it could be the only one.”

I clear my throat theatrically and raise a brow. “You wanted to apologize?” I remind him plainly.

“Yeah, about that… I sincerely don’t know what for. What I did wrong, when I did it, but I am sorry. I don’t want to be on bad terms with you, I don’t want you to avoid me. You mean a lot, you’ve always supported me through out this whole time and I’m so fucking grateful. Please don’t avoid me,” he said with pleading eyes that resembled a hopeful puppy and my heart broke. I’ve never wanted to see Changkyun beg or plead with anyone for anything. He should stand tall and proud in front of everyone no matter what, never be ashamed of being himself - just like when he is on stage, because just like all of my friends he deserves the world, the Sun and the Moon, along with all the stars in the night sky.

“It’s okay. Frankly, I don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but it’s nice to see that you got your head out of your ass,” I laugh shortly. It wouldn’t be me if I have gone all soft and serious now, would it? _In sickness or in health, I shall forever tease my friends_. There shall not be a day when I don’t have at least one teasing remark. I was not born like that.

“Wait, _what_?” he double takes and leans towards me in disbelief, eyes wide open.

“What? You said you wanted to apologize. I’ve never even mention I wanted an apology from you. That’s all your initiative,” I put both my hands up in ‘I’m giving up but I’m innocent’ kind of gesture. And it’s true. It probably should be me, who should apologize, but you see me do that… in another life… maybe… but most likely not.

He scoffs and I finally see the familiar Changkyun expression. A little cocky, a little too sure about himself and a whole lot of the one I fell in love with. “Oh man, you sure always stay the same. So true to yourself,” he laughs with me and we enjoy the rest of our ‘breakfast’ in peace, talking about stuff that is so familiar and so us I kinda feel like nothing has changed and we are the same we have been a year ago when my only worry was Minhee and not a terminal illness, for fuck’s sake.

**~FRIDAY, LAST DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK, DECEMBER - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

This year again we all gather at the big table in the kitchen of Kihyun's and Minhyuk’s dorm flat for the Christmas dinner, which is more like what we bring in, whether it’s bought or cooked, or made or anything. Kihyun has cooked of course, with the help of Hyunwoo, who just beams with happiness and I couldn’t feel anything else than all soft for the two, even though they have been together for a while now. Jooheon and Minhyuk have brought some strange wine, claiming it was red currant wine - it was tasty and sweet, which only meant that if you drank enough, headache would be your Siamese twin the next day.

I wasn’t surprised that Jooheon has gotten over his feelings for Minhyuk and now the 2 were an inseparable duo, both really funny and truly unbearable at times. They could be entertaining as fuck or annoying as fuck - there was no in between and let me tell you, that was kinda sad, because we were either dying of laughter or cursing at them. They found their vibe with each other and it was cute and all that, but honestly, sometimes it was just too much.

Hyungwon and Hoseok on the other hand brought take out of various kinds. And what would I tell you about those two… they were the same as always. Nothing has changed, they still loved each other deeply and maybe even as the Christmas was approaching the holiday mood got their feelings to be even cheesier. _And hornier_. The two would not keep each other’s hand off and literally started to make out right there in front of everybody, while we shouted at them to get a fucking room. But nope, that was just not happening with these two.

Changkyun brought his laptop claiming he’s going to be the DJ tonight, much to the dismay of Hyungwon and Jooheon, but since he hasn’t brought anything else so they were shushed by Kihyun and Hoseok, who were just too soft around Christmas - for their own mistake.

And finally there’s me. I brought some Christmas pastries that were made by my mom and sent to me via one of her delivery boys. She had done Christmas pastry delivery every year for about 5 years now and everyone seemed to enjoy.

At first I got _ridiculously_ scolded by Kihyun for loosing so much weight, then Hoseok took his turn and scolded me for not going to lunch with them anymore, then Hyunwoo decided he wanted to scold me for not telling him I was not feeling well and then it wouldn’t be Minhyuk if he didn’t join them. He scolded me for not getting enough of the walnut pastries. I only rolled my eyes at him saying it wasn’t my fault he ate 10 of them in 5 minutes.

The evening was flowing away and we were discussing New Year’s Eve party plans vividly. I felt somewhat better today, somewhat lighter and I joined in every moment I could enjoying the time I had with my friends. If I was to be honest, deep down I was scared shitless by how bad my condition has gotten in the past month.

“Guys!” Kyun called out in a loud voice that towered over all of us bickering about the best party in the city. “Can I show you something?”

<Changkyun POV>

“Guys!” he exclaimed to get their attention. He bit his lip slightly and quickly pushed the regrets of dragging the attention of his best friends to himself. “Can I show you something?”

“If you consider sending another nude to someone, leave me out of being the judge again this time,” Minhyuk pulled himself away from the table.

“That was once and I sent it to you by mistake,” Changkyun squinted his eyes at Minhyuk and Jooheon laughed under his breath.

“You really did that, man?” Hyungwon asked barely keeping himself from laughing along with Jooheon and now Minhyuk too.

“By mistake,” Changkyun groaned in frustration and we all laugh shortly. “Yeah, yeah, whatever… forget it.”

“No, no,” Hyunwoo stepped it, once he calmed down. “Show us. Of course unless it’s your nude picture, ‘cause the only one I-“ he was hastily interrupted by Kihyun slapping a hand over his mouth and giving him a deadly warning glare. Hoseok erupted in another round of wild laughter to the point he choked on his saliva.

“God. Fuck you, seriously. I wanted to show you my new song. Well, it’s not that new anymore but I haven’t released anywhere yet. I wanted you guys to be the first ones to hear it,” he said, eyes travelling from one friend to another.

They all smile at him expectantly as he reached for his laptop and pressed play. ‘ _U R_ ’ sounded out of the speakers and Changkyun examined the face of every member of the gang quickly before he stopped on Hanna’s. She was looking up to the ceiling lost in the song and Changkyun felt like he’s never seen a girl like her. He couldn’t say she was the most beautiful girl in the world, because she probably wasn’t by the world’s standards but she was the one he found so perfectly pretty and amazingly lovely, she was beautiful to him and that's all that mattered. The way she could get lost in a song fascinated Changkyun so much that he didn’t even realize he was staring intently at her.

He thought to himself that he made the right decision not to play it to her in private because he wouldn’t be able to focus on her like this without being noticed. Changkyun internally smiled to himself and gave himself an imaginary pat on the shoulder.

Even though he played it for everyone, it was a song for Hanna. Changkyun hoped she would understand the lyrics as they were meant to be understood. But once the song has ended he hadn’t noticed any of that recognition in her face. Just appreciation for a good song.

His hopes took a deep six under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun realized his feeling for Hanna (uh, finally! right?) - how do you feel about that? Hanna and Kyun make up (again-_-') and Kyun hopes for Hanna to read between the lines of 'U R'. Maybe he could just tell her, right? Like c'mon already...
> 
> And here's my explanation: 'For the sake of my story (as I have mentioned before) I changed the way of Hanahaki a little bit (there was the medication, the flower meanings etc.) The addition I have introduced to you in this chapter is that not only the feelings have to be reciprocated… both sides involved have to know about each other’s feelings. So unless Hanna knows about Changkyun’s feelings and vice versa, she will not be healthy.' *author gives out sincere apologies*
> 
> But anyway please please share your thoughts on this chapter with me <3 I love reading them ^^
> 
> In the next chapter Hanna goes home for Christmas and tells her mom what she should have a long time ago.
> 
> I hope you liked today's chapter and will come back for the final 5 that we have left! <3 Until next time, bye bye ~(￣▽￣)~*


	36. Mom, I'm sorry...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! And welcome back to ch. 36. The end is inching closer and closer, but first Hanna needs to tell her mom. I hope you all had a great summer and without further a due, let's get the Christmas chapter started. ^^
> 
> I hope you like it <3

My mom couldn’t pick me up from uni this year to bring me home for Christmas break, even though she has promised to do it every year, but I didn’t really mind. At least I had time to compose my thoughts and gather courage to tell mom about what was going on. So instead of heading home, I made my way to her café, navigating myself through the city subway by heart. Knowing how to get where without having to think about it too much was the best way to come to conclusions and make essays in my mind.

I was surprised to see the subway relatively empty, since it was the Saturday before Christmas day tomorrow. I would expect people to run around like headless chicken searching for last minute Christmas gifts, but it was strangely calm and I wouldn’t have even noticed if I hadn’t walked into locked door of my mom’s café that opened at 8:30AM on Saturdays. Checking my watch, I found out it was a couple minutes past 8AM. I came really early, so I knocked on the glass rather loudly, hoping my mom would hear me from the back, where she was probably still preparing pastries and baguettes for the day. It was cold outside and I really wanted some of that amazing white tea she made for the staff every day.

Her head stuck out from behind the corner and she couldn’t hide her tremendous surprise when she saw me behind the glass doors in the barely-there morning light of the late December. The streets had a fresh cover of snow, not very thick but enough to make every thing in the city feel magical again. I loved white Christmas.

“Sweetie, come in quickly so you don’t catch a cold,” she opens the door and ushers me inside locking it again behind me. She pulls me into a tight hug before I even have the chance to take off my parka. “My girl. My precious girl.” She keeps me in her embrace for a couple of long moments more and I cannot help but to feel so at home and so loved that I never want to leave the comfort of this hug. “I thought I would see you at home tonight. Did you not go party last night?”

My mom finally lets go of me and I begin to take of the warm winter outerwear. “No, we just had a dinner together last night,” I say and smile at her, weakly dropping my backpack to the floor. I barely have any strength in my frozen hands. I want to blame it on the cold temperature outside, but I know that it is partially caused by the pink tree settled in my lungs.

“Honey, you lost weight,” my mom notices right away.

“Yeah, I did,” I admit not waiting for anything. I need to talk to her. And sooner is better than later. I’ve been keeping this a secret from her for long enough now.

“Do you have troubles eating? Is your stomach upset?” she asks me, worry shining in her eyes.

“No, mom,” I sigh heavily. I can't back off now. It's time... “It’s because I’m sick.”

Her eyes widen in shock and confusion. She takes my hand gently and leads me to the back of the café where a small table with a comfy couch in the corner shields the customers from unwanted attention. It’s probably my favorite spot in her café.

“What is going on? What do you mean you’re sick?” she questions me anxiously while holding my hand in between the two of hers, staring intently into my eyes.

A tear rolls down my cheek and I wipe it off with my free hand. The nervousness in my mom’s eyes just deepens, there is so much love in her gaze and that makes me feel just. So. God. Damn. Guilty. I take a deep breath before I tell her the truth. “I have Hanahaki, mom.”

At first I was scared I would have to repeat myself because she might not have heard my low voice, but as a tear spilled out onto her own cheek I knew she heard me. “Hanna,” she says and her voice breaks, which leads to a small quiet sob.

I start crying too. “I’m sorry, mom. I’m sorry I’m telling you only now. I’m sorry for being stupid. I’m sorry for everything,” I cry now without being able to stop, hopelessly apologizing for not being a responsible daughter.

“Hanna, oh, my beautiful girl,” my mom pulls me into another tight hug and this time I wrap my hands around her tightly as well, holding on to her for dear life. Maybe that could save me. She is my mom after all, maybe she can save me.

We sit there like that and the time passes. I even hear the bell over the entrance door ring a couple of times, signalizing the entrance of customers. My mom cries and I cry too, for all the pain I’ve caused her in her life.

“Mom, I’m really sorry,” I repeat, sobs tremor through my body.

“And what are you sorry for?” she pushes me away from the embrace and looks me in the eye lovingly, places her hands on my cheeks, wiping the tears on them with her thumbs.

“That you went through the pain of giving birth to me and raising me the best you could and I won’t even make it past university. I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much pain,” my voice breaks a couple of times as I say these words to my mom.

“Hanna, that’s not true,” she says softly and shakes her head slowly in disagreement. If the aura of love had a color the whole café would be swimming in it now. “You are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. You’re my beautiful little girl, never apologize for being alive. I love you beyond sanity and I always will.” I nod in acknowledgement of her words and look down, to which my mom only responds by pulling my face up by my chin gently. “What did you mean, when you said you were sorry for telling me only now? How long have you been sick?”

“I went to the doctor in spring, when the pneumonia wouldn’t stop and he told me then. But I think I’ve started to have some symptoms last Christmas already,” I admit and see my mom’s breath hitch as she swallows a sob, her eyes travelling across my face.

“So you’ve been keeping it the whole summer?”

“Yes… I’m sorry. I just…”

“Stop saying, you’re sorry, please. It breaks my heart even more than it already is. I just wish you would have told me so I could have helped you, Hanna. That is what moms are for. So don't say that you're sorry, please.”

“Okay,” I comply in a low voice. I don’t want to hurt my mom more than I already have so I’d do anything she tells me to.

“Do I know the boy?” she asks, searching for something in my face.

I nod.

“Is it Changkyun?”

My shoulders slump. How can she know like this?

I nod again.

“Oh, sweetie,” she smiles softly and sadly. She leans back on the couch and pulls me by the shoulder to the side. And we just sit there. So simply… my head on her shoulder and her cheek leaning against head, her arm draped over my shoulders tightly and her other hand holding one of mine.

The light changes outside as I notice it through the windows, the bell rings often as the café gets busy and then the morning rush dies into a stable stream. And we just sit there, not moving. Neither of us wants to break the spell of the bubble around us.

Knowing both of us had to move, I lift my head from my mom’s shoulder and look at her. “Mom, can I work today?”

I am honestly surprised to see that she’s not even shocked by my question and only nods slightly. “I was in need of a good barista anyway.”

I end up closing the café with my mom at 8PM before we take the subway home after a very busy lunch and afternoon, running around the coffee machine making various drinks. And even though we live in walking distance from the café we take the subway for 2 stops because believe it or not, 15cm of fresh snow have fallen since lunch and the last thing the two of us needed was a cold. I was tired beyond, I even fell asleep the moment I sat down in the subway. Every activity was so life draining now.

**~COUPLE DAYS LATER, LATE DECEMBER - 3RD YEAR AT UNI~**

Mom told dad. I haven’t been brave enough to tell him I got a B from Professional Coaching last year, so where do you think I would gather the courage to tell him I was terminally ill. I was, honest to God, abso-fucking-lutely shocked when he didn’t flip out, but rather closed up into his mind until he processed it. My younger brother though, fell silent and didn’t speak with me. Mom told me that he said that maybe if he didn’t speak to me it wouldn’t be true. I laughed at that. He was 16 and he still believed bullshit like that. I for sure laughed at him the next day at breakfast table. Then we had a massive argument and we’re cool now. He’s my brother alright.

Mom’s café has re-opened on the 26th of December and I’ve been working everyday since, which was 2 days, but still… I enjoyed spending the time with my mom as well as making coffee and trying to come up with new drinks for the café to use after the festive period is over. Even though it was making me deadly tired and feeling absolutely beat, I still enjoyed it. Not the ‘hiding the cough from the customers part’ but yeah…

“Mrs. Kang asked me to tell you to go have lunch,” Mina, one of the girls that I’ve been working with now during the holidays, taps me on the shoulder and smiles when I turn around to face her.

“Okay, if it gets busy, call me, yeah?” I smile back and she nods.

I make my way to the back to have lunch when my mom comes out of her office. It’s a busy end of the month for her, as every end of the month is after all.

“Mom, can I talk to you?” I call out and catch her attention.

“Sure, honey, is everything alright?” she comes to sit opposite me at the table.

“Yeah, but I’ve been thinking,” I tell her before I break into a cough that has me holding onto my dear life by a straw. After I finally calm down in the arms of my mom, I take a shallow breath before daring to speak again. “I was thinking about getting surgery.”

My mom rubs her hand up and down my back, helping me soothe the pain from the cough as she looks at the petals in my palm. “Are you sure?”

“I think so.”

“There are such consequences,” my mom responds in a sad voice.

“I know, but I’ve given it a lot of thought these days. My arms are heavy, my lungs burn and I struggle to breathe. But this is not the breathing struggle I want. I want to feel on fire during a difficult distance set or the pressure in my lungs being from having to hold my breath for too long under the water. That’s the struggle I want to keep experiencing. Not this. But, frankly… I think I’m just so _scared_.”

“Scared? Of the surgery?”

“No. Not the physical side of it. I’m scared because what if later in life when I give up on Changkyun, I meet someone who would and could love me, but I’ll never be able to love him back? I’m scared to let someone down like this. To let you down like this.”

“And how can you even think that you could let me down just because you want to stay alive?” my mom gave me a confused, yet scolding look.

“Because you told me that living without love is like not living at all,” I remind her of something she told me a long time ago.

“Yes, but you’re young and life at your age is something beautiful and enchanting. You should not miss out on the opportunity to live. Never,” she tells me sternly and I understand exactly what she means, because deep down I know that even if I lose the ability to romantically feel about someone, the love for swimming and the friendship with my friends will stay. There is still so much to be seen in my life.

“Hanna?!” Mina calls out my name and then appears in the door way. “Your friends are here.”

“Hm?” I give my mom a confused shrug and get up on my feet to go check what Mina meant.

And indeed the whole freaking gang is standing on the other side of the counter in their think coats. I greet them with a smile and take their order one by one. Minhyuk being the little shit he is, he very knowingly orders the single most difficult drink to make of the menu. I hated that I loved him so much.

I bring everyone their drinks and after their obligatory round of greetings with my mom, we are left at the big table in the corner by the window.

“Why did you guys come?” I shoot a question, genuinely surprised with this unexpected visit.

“You said you wouldn’t come out because you’re working this holiday,” Changkyun said and slowly sipped from his steaming coffee.

“Are you avoiding us again?” Jooheon asks, blame and hurt edges his voice.

“I was never avoiding you in the first place,” I cough up a little. “So shut the fuck up.”

“Woh, aggressive,” Hyungwon chuckles and grins at me. “What did you put in your coffee today?”

“Uhhh, nothing. You know I drink my coffee black.”

“Just like your soul, bitch,” Minhyuk smiles at me knowingly. This joke has been between us since I stopped drinking coffee with milk, which has been a long ass time ago, considering I started drinking coffee when I was 14.

I highfive Min, smiling brightly. My eyes fall upon Changkyun, whose face is normally illegible, because there nothing to be read on it in the first place, but now with a quick glance I notice something like envy, maybe a little jealousy, but a whole lot of happiness (?). I squint my eyes slightly at Changkyun in a half-judgmental look, which only makes him smile wider and a warm feeling settles in my gut and I reciprocate that smile, after all I love seeing him smile, especially if the smile is directed at me.

Further on Hyungwon and Jooheon lead the talk about the best party in town for New Years Eve party again.

“When do you get off work?” Kyun asks me quietly, to not disturb the others, when he sees that I’m not really joining the conversation.

“Today? Or 31st?”

“Today,” Kyun responds.

“Ummm, not sure. Why?”

“’Cause I was thinking, since you’ve been avoiding me for weeks,” he clears his throat and I avert my gaze for a second before returning to his eyes where slight mischief gleams, “that maybe you could come over to my place, I’ve been putting some work into a couple of songs and also some RapGround stuff and I wanted to know your opinion on it.”

“Okay, I’ll ask my mom until when she needs me, but you’ll have to excuse the fact I’ll go in these clothes,” I point to my black mom fit jeans and the café t-shirt.

“You smell like coffee and you can trust me, when I say that I like it,” he laughs shortly and I smile at him, but feel my cheeks heat up. _Am I blushing? What the hell?_ “But will you be okay in running shoes?”

As I am about to reply, I feel a cough coming up so I put up my pointing finger and stand up to go to the counter before I get caught in a seizure in front of everyone. I can always say I went to ask mom about leaving work early.

I turn the corner behind the counter and I break into coughing fit so grave tears start spilling from my eyes. There is so much pain coming out of my lungs that I already feel like I’m dying. Suddenly I feel an arm around my shoulders and through the tears I see my mom’s shoes as she leads me towards a chair. When I sit down I double over, pressing my chest to my knees and remove my hand from my mouth, spilling the cherry blossom petals on the floor before more come out of me. My mom runs a soothing through my hair over and over again.

By the time the fit is over my throat is coarser than sand paper and I cannot find my voice. So I just look up at my mom and nod at her, relating the message that I think it’s over for now. She’s seen these a lot in the last couple of days. If I recall correctly at least 10 per day, but I’ve been hiding countless more. I don’t even count the times that I started to suffocate out of a blank. _I’m not going to lie… I feel like shit._

“It’s okay now,” she tells me with a honey-like voice.

“Mom,” I croak out before trying to clear my throat. “When do I finish work today?”

“When you want. I can handle it with Mina, don’t worry. Why?”

“Kyun asked me to go listen to some songs he made,” I explain.

“And you feel okay enough to go?” she clears with me.

“It’s easier to breathe around him.” _Most of the time,_ I add in my mind.

“Okay, but change your shoes before you go,” she reminds me about my runners.

“Duh, mom. I don’t need a cold on top of the Hanahaki,” I shake my head and snicker. She grins at me with a knowing look, she knows her daughter well after all.

I stand up from the chair to go join the gang again, but before I can go my mom stops me one more time: “Just take care of yourself, honey, okay?”

The mood was getting way too serious for me, so my reaction was kind of expected at this point. “Mom, I’m not 8.”

“You still act like it though,” she calls after me as I leave to the front.

“I can go whenever,” I tell Kyun when I come back to the table folding my apron on top of the table neatly.

He smiles but before he can react Minhyuk asks: “Go where? Are you done? Let’s go drinking!”

“Seriously, Min?” Hyungwon gives him a look of disbelief. “You just came over to my place this morning swearing what a terrible hangover you had and now you want to go drinking again?”

“Yeah, you looked terrible in the morning,” Hoseok agrees. “I mean, you never look as good as we do, but…” As Hoseok says that Jooheon starts laughing under his breath, Hyunwoo chuckles and Kihyun bites his bottom lip to stop himself from laughing.

“Really? Why are we at this again? Can’t you guys leave me alone?” Minhyuk puts his head into his hand and shakes his head vigorously.

“Aren’t you tired of ruining your liver?” I question him with an ironic smile on my face.

“Yeah, that’s why I wanna ruin yours, too,” Minhyuk beams with a beautiful ear to ear smile and no one can hold back the laugh now.

However in the end, no one goes with Minhyuk to drink. Hyunwoo and Kihyun have a date, Hyungwon and Hoseok said they have a ‘Netflix and chill’ night planned out, but we all doubt they will not even get to the Netflix part before they start chilling, so that’s that… Jooheon was meeting some of his friends from his old band and Changkyun and I were going to his place to work on his songs. But Minhyuk had a lot of friends and he literally said this (and I’m quoting him here, okay?): “Pffft, who the fuck needs friends like you, when you always abandon me when I want to go drink my guts out. Here I thought, my two most trusted friends,” he gave an all telling look to me and Kihyun, “would be there to support me and hold my hair when I throw up, like I’ve done for both of you so many times. But then again, who am I kidding, you guys are my only real friends anyway. Fuck everyone else.”

I kind of wondered why he even needed us when he could talk to himself all along… But that was Minhyuk, nothing ever surprised me anymore when it came to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanna's mom is a literal angel, don't you think so? And Minhyuk will always always be Minhyuk won't he? I just love him.
> 
> So what are your thoughts on today's chapter? Did you like it? Please share your thoughts with me, I really love reading them <3 <3 
> 
> Next time the question game continues and Changkyun asks one that Hanna doesn't want to answer. Hanna's getting sicker and sicker, will she make it before the two realize their feelings? ＞︿＜
> 
> Guys, we are so close to the end I can barely believe it . But I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter ^^ even though the story does get somewhat frustrating as it gets closer and closer till the end. Please leave me a comment with your thoughts and let's 'see' each other next time, but until then... stay safe and healthy (～￣▽￣)～ bye bye <3


	37. The Question Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! This chapter is full of question and movie recommendations, so I hope you're not going to be angry about me just kind of sneaking it in ^^' But I won't talk much longer here, but after you read the chapter stop by the end notes for a 'spoiler' for chapter 38! <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

<Changkyun POV>

Changkyun was so happy that Hanna’s mom agreed to let Hanna off work early so she could come hang out at his place to listen to some music and just chill together like they used to at the uni studio. If Changkyun was to be honest, he would say that after he started dating Minhee everything has changed - that it was a turning point from beyond which there was no return. And even though he spent some months with her, he wouldn’t turn back time or travel back in time to tell the past Changkyun to not date her because without that he might not have ever realized how he felt for Hanna and ever since he realized couple of weeks ago, he started thinking he’s always felt like she’s his _'someone_ ’, but he just needed the kick to realize that she was that kind of someone.

When the two passed the threshold of Changkyun’s home, he called out to greet his parents, followed by Hanna’s voice. His mom appeared in the doorway to the living room surprised to see Hanna with Changkyun.

“Hanna, hi. I haven’t seen you in along time. How are you doing?” his mom greeted the girl he fell for with an excited, bright smile.

“Hi, Mrs. Im. I’m okay, just got off work actually, so it’s even better. How about you?” Hanna smiled back at his mom.

“I’m fine, just like every Christmas. Did you come to finally talk some sense into Changkyun about his songs?” his mom laughed. She was not a fan of the hard beats he was making for his battles but enjoyed the all of the softer songs he made for his releases. She was proud of him for every single song he’s made, she just had her preferences.

“I can’t promise anything. I hope he’s finally going to listen to me, but who knows?” Hanna shrugged her shoulders and followed behind Changkyun to his room.

The two have been listening to beat arrangements for about two hours and both have made countless comments on the work that has been done. Hanna has been saying a lot of praise but also nit-picked so many little things that Changkyun wouldn’t have noticed or would consider changing them but in the end he would just forget about them. She was very detail oriented and reminded Changkyun of working with a client that hears every single little sound, but at least she wasn’t offended when he didn’t agree with her, claiming it was the purpose he aimed for. Hanna really was a person, who gave good feedback and constructive criticism.

“Hey, wanna start the question game again? We haven’t done that in a while.” Hanna asked out of nowhere. Changkyun turned around to look at her and she was turned her back to him, checking out the books he had on his shelf even though she’s seen them all already. Just now, for the first time, Changkyun has noticed how skinny she really got. In the tight jeans and tight work shirt, her shoulders stood out even more; her waist was so small Changkyun could probably reach around it with his hands if he squished just a tiny bit.

“What, are you bored with me?” Changkyun decided it would be better to tease her a bit, just for the jokes. The question games were usually funny anyway. And Hanna was right, they haven’t played since summer and he missed the weird ass questions they would ask each other out of the blue.

“Have we started already?” Hanna laughed in the kind of short laughter Changkyun found so adorable.

“No. Rock, paper, scissors for the first question?”

“Yeah. Two, three,” Rock. She won with paper. “Okay, my first question is… what’s a holiday that doesn’t exist but you’d like to create?”

“Well, that’s a tough one since there’s a national day for everything these days,” he scratched his chin in thought.

“I don’t mean national days. Like actual holiday that would be a day off like Easter or Christmas,” she elaborated the question further.

“Hmm, I think it would be cool if the summer and winter solstice were holidays. Like you get the day off to enjoy the longest day and the longest night of the year. The parties…”

“Oh yeah.. okay.,” she said appreciatively. “Your turn.”

“If you could be a hobbit or and elf for 24 hours, which one would you pick?” he asked turning back to his work on the computer screen.

“Dude, I’m a hobbit every day,” she nudged Changkyun in the shoulder half harshly. “Of course I’d be an elf.”

“Okay, I accept,” Changkyun smiled at the monitor, but deep down he now knew that he found Hanna’s short height cute.

“If you could make one rule for a day and everyone had to follow it, what would it be?”

“I’d say… when you meet the person you love, you have to tell them how you feel,” Changkyun replied softly smiling and hoping he might have a chance to tell her one day. Maybe show her how he felt at first and take it slow this time, rather than fuck up like the previous thing. Even though that one was not his fault and even he knew that.

“Wow, cruel. You’re just so heartless, Im Changkyun,” she seemed shocked by Changkyun’s respond. Hanna probably thought he would come up with a rule like ‘writing only with your non-dominant hand’ or something like that.

“Not heartless, just maybe it would make somebody’s life a little easier,” Changkyun shrugged it off. “My turn…You’re about to get into a fight, what song comes on as your soundtrack?”

“Man, now that’s a good question. Let me think about that,” Hanna replied and Changkyun switched his eyes to her, only to find she’s already reached the thinking state. Changkyun couldn’t make his eyes go away.

After a minute of silence, Hanna turned to Changkyun. “I don’t know. I guess I lost the game today. But one day I’ll reply.”

“Alright. Listen to this though.” They turned their attention back to the music and didn’t even realize how fast time went by because at some point Changkyun’s mom came in and warned Hanna that she only had one hour before the subway stopped going for the night. So Hanna quickly collected her bag, put on her parka and shoes and said bye to Changkyun, who saw her off from the bottom of his apartment building, making her way to the subway stop in the snow covered streets.

**~MONDAY, JANUARY 8TH - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

<Back to Hanna POV>

I wish I could say I had a wild New Year’s party, but I actually didn’t go because when I was about to head out I got caught into such a bad case of suffocation I haven’t been in up to that point. Even 15 minutes in, it wouldn’t stop so I asked my mom to take me to the hospital on New Year’s Eve. Yes, it was embarrassing. I said that this fucking Hanahaki would never stop me from enjoying the time I have left, but damn, I was failing myself on my own promise and let me tell you this much… that hurt like a massive bitch. Letting myself down was just as painful as that night around Halloween when I had to witness Changkyun bringing yet another one night stand to his room, but seeing him go with her hurt me both emotionally and physically, while breaking my own promise to myself broke me mentally.

I remember I cried the whole time on the way to the hospital and as I tried to desperately come up with an excuse in the group chat, when I was finally linked on an IV and I could breathe like a human being. I mean see for yourself:

_December 31st, 8:07PM_

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[just min]** : yooohooo, this party is gon be LIT everyone!!!!

 **[chef Ki]** : not that i don’t agree but calm the f down min

 **[chef Ki]** : you’ve messaged this like 100 times today

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : if u keep this up, min, i’ll go to different party

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : me too

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : hoseok agrees

 **[chef Ki]** : hyunwoo too

 **[just min]** : oh cmon guys!

 **[just min]** : joo u wouldnt abandon me right?

 **[Sweet Like Honey]** : hmmm

 **[Sweet Like Honey]** : sorry, min

 **[Sweet Like Honey]** : my chances of finding someone for the night r higher if ur pretty face is not ard ^-^’

 **[just min]** : ㅠ-ㅠ

 **[just min]** : i cant believe u guys would do this to me

 **[just min]** : han? what abt u????

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : yeah, han, u r awfully quiet

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i thought u would be the first to roast min

 **[onehanna]** : sorry guys

 **[onehanna]** : i’ll take a raincheck…

 **[just min]** : WHAT!!!!!!!

 **[just min]** : R U SERIOUS????????????

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : what???????

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : smth happened?

 **[chef Ki]** : is everything alright han?

 **[happybunny]** : u cant be for real rn…!!!!

 **[onehanna]** : im rly sorry, u guys go have fun w/o me

 **[onehanna]** : i’ll make it up to you next year

 **[onehanna]** : i promise

At that point I turned my phone off so I wouldn’t get any notification and so they could not reach me by call. My tears wouldn’t stop even after the IV with the strong painkillers and a heavy load of some kind of benzodiazepine (probably lorazepam or diazepam, which are commonly used to sedate people with panic disorders), stopped flowing. As mentioned they have sedative effects and I became really sleepy with this dangerous combination of heavy painkillers and calming medicine.

I was so pathetic for escaping like this from them without an explanation and a real apology but in the end I can say one thing - I fell asleep in the car on the way home and I slept until 8AM when I woke up naturally and I have not rested better in a year. Mom said my brother had carried me from the car to my bed saying I was terribly light for someone, who was supposed to weigh much more to be able to swim a 1500 free style in about 16 minutes.

Turning my phone on in the morning was a horrible wake up call. Missed calls and messages kept popping up and I read them all crying into my pillow on the first day of the new year. There was a video message from the count down that Hyunwoo sent. All 7 of them were screaming the countdown trying to look happy but I have noticed the sadness from the lack of my presence on everybody’s face. But Hyunwoo’s, Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s were also stained with worry.

And so it’s the Monday 8th of January and I was supposed to go back to the dorm yesterday but my brother begged my parents to make me stay for a couple more days so he can celebrate my birthday on January 10th and then I leave on the morning of 11th.

I have never seen my brother so clingy, hell I have never even seen him be affectionate with me. What the hell is going on? Where did Satan take my brother and why the fuck has he replaced him with a fucking koala bear? This is so freaking weird, I swear.

But my brother went to school in the morning and I stayed at home, using the time to try and cram some of the study load that will be covered in the day I’ll miss, especially the Sports Medicine lecture. That shit was getting more and more difficult each effing year. I swear to God, if I make it past 5 years with my degree and get to residency I’ll be happiest girl on the planet.

_If I make it there alive._

Suddenly a question popped up to my mind, so I texted Changkyun, hoping he would reply, but remembering I had to answer the fight soundtrack question first.

**~Private chat** between users _I.M_ and _walking chlorine~_

 **[walking chlorine]** : i have a question, so here’s my answer

 **[walking chlorine]** : fight soundtrack: 'My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark' by Fall Out Boy

 **[I.M]** : ok, not a bad choice, q?

 **[walking chlorine]** : if animals could talk, which one would be the rudest?

 **[I.M]** : going hard eh?

 **[walking chlorine]** : XD

 **[I.M]** : cats

 **[I.M]** : even tho i love them beyond measure

 **[I.M]** : they would be the rudest

 **[I.M]** : just imagine it

 **[walking chlorine]** : okay

 **[walking chlorine]** : i get it ^^

 **[I.M]** : my turn

 **[I.M]** : what happened on nye????

 **[walking chlorine]** : i’ll use the yearly ‘pass’

 **[I.M]** : rly? u know i can just formulate the question differently and u wasted ur yearly pass for that???

 **[walking chlorine]** : pls…

 **[walking chlorine]** : i don’t want to answer…

 **[I.M]** : han

 **[walking chlorine]** : pls don’t make me

 **[I.M]** : okay

 **[I.M]** : i wont

 **[I.M]** : but han

 **[I.M]** : im here for you whenever u need me

 **[I.M]** : pls know that

 **[walking chlorine]** : okay…

 **[I.M]** : what fictional character is awesome in their given book/movie/drama, but would be completely insufferable irl?

 **[walking chlorine]** : easy

 **[walking chlorine]** : ARCHER (< _A/N.: great show btw, give it a shot, the show name is also 'Archer' ^^_ >)

 **[walking chlorine]** : he’s a total dick, but i love him in the show XD

 **[I.M]** : true

 **[I.M]** : Cyril too, tho

 **[I.M]** : oh i would kill him so many times, lmao

 **[I.M]** : ur turn

We have spent 3 hours chatting before Kyun said he got caught by his teacher in Film Music Composition lecture and had to put his phone away. We didn’t only play the question game, we talked about everything. I heard some of the stories from New Year’s Eve and how everyone missed me, but they still had fun. I was happy to know that once I’m gone they will be okay to live their life without me if I don’t make the surgery in time.

**~LATE JANUARY - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

Hanahaki or not, weekends are the best!

This weekend on Saturday another movie night was planned out, this time with Hoseok picking films and of course, he’s turned to me for recommendations, because strangely enough, whenever I picked a film usually no one complained. So I gave him a list of potential 10 picks and he would just have to make the decision as to which one we’re actually going to watch. At first he protested and asked me to only give him 3, but come on, I was not going to make it that easy for him. Like… no.

I arrive second to last and the snacks are already lying everywhere. I brought drinks, both non- and alcoholic (mainly wine and cider, but there was some beer in the bag too). Hoseok rushed to the door when he saw me struggle with the bag through the threshold.

“Why didn’t you call me to come help you with this?” he asks me in a hushed voice. After all everyone has noticed how much more weight I lost over Christmas. Even I was getting desperate about my sunken in cheeks. I looked sick as this point with my ashy skin, weird skin lines around my face when I smiled and skeleton thin fingers.

“It didn’t get heavy until I got here,” I lie to him. It was kind of heavy, but I was determined to make it on my own. I used to carry much worse.

He just sighs at my statement and wisely decides not to comment. I make my way to the made-up chill sit area that Hyungwon and Hoseok always put up and Changkyun motions for me to come sit on the bean bag next to him. I take my seat between Ki and Changkyun, close to the heater. Another thing all 7 members of the gang have noticed is that I’m always cold these days, which is something that comes with extreme weightloss. Another change that my body was going through remained unnoticed by them and only I knew about it. My body has reached the state where it starts to shut down non-primary functions that consume ‘too much energy’ for the current weight I’m in and about 4 months ago I lost my period.

“Saved you a spot by the heater,” Changkyun smiles at me and my breathing gets a little easier. Another reason I have started to spend quite some time with him in the studio. Strangely I was breathing so easily near him, but the moment I stepped out of the studio all those hours of easy breathing took their toll. I barely slept these days. My mom has been asking me everyday to move up my check up at the doctor. I called him the other day, but only got to have it a week earlier, on the 31st of January.

“Cheers,” I lift my cup to him with some cider that I poured from what I brought.

Minhyuk finally arrives and gets settled.

“So, Hoseok, what are we watching?” Hyunwoo asks and pops a potato chip into his mouth.

“The Fault in Our Stars,” Hoseok replies and out of nowhere a pillow flies his way and hits him smack on the face.

“No!” Jooheon calls out.

“Hanna was that on your list?” Hyungwon turns to me accusingly.

“First of all, how do you know about the list when I gave it to Hoseok in confidence and he promised me not to tell anyone? And second, of course it was not on my list. You know the type of movies I like,” I defend myself eagerly. (< _A/N.: but still The Fault in Our Stars is a beautiful movie >)_

“You make a list for everyone,” Jooheon tells me smirking. “We know, that’s why we always ask you for your picks.”

“You’re kidding! You all knew about it?” I look at them in disbelief.

“Yep,” Changkyun nods his head. “Ever since you started doing it last year. I mean, you do pick the best films out of us.”

“But that doesn’t mean you guys can break your promises to not tell anyone,” I call them out.

“Chill, please, Hanna. But seriously, Hoseokie? The Fault in Our Stars? No matter the fact that I have seen the movie multiple times and I love it - there’s no way we’re watching it tonight,” Kihyun turns his attention to Hoseok.

“Okay, _fine_. Han, what’s your pick out of the 10 you gave me?” Hoseok’s gaze turns to me and everyone watches me intently too.

“Why me?”

“Just pick one,” Minhyuk sighs and puts his chin into his palm.

“Fine… let’s do a classic - _Reservoir Dogs_.” (< _A/N.: an amazing freaking movie ^-^_ >)

“Let’s go,” Jooheon hypes up and plays the movie.

After the opening scene where they sit around the table and dissect Madonna’s song _Like a Virgin_ , I start falling asleep. The voices of the Tarantino movie I’ve seen more times than healthy and the comfort that Changkyun provides for my lungs slowly lulls me to sleep. When my eyelids get too heavy to keep them opened even after trying I feel a hand in my hair, lightly scratching and massaging my scalp. I know it’s Kyun because only he ever does this, knowing that I feel like a golden retriever. He’s done this more and more often these days, even when I’m not sleepy in the studio, he just does it. And I can’t bring myself to oppose.

In the dark room, lit only by the light of the TV, I smile softly to myself and fall asleep to the sounds of Tarantino’s first movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanna is worried she might not even make surgery, but Changkyun wants to take it slow this time... will he make it in time, though? What do you think of this chapter? Why am I asking? Because guys next chapter... next chapter Hanna drops a bomb on the gang - what do think it will be? What will the reactions be? Hanna also does something so Hanna-like that I hope it will get you to think: "Man, that's so Hanna!"
> 
> We are so, so, so close to the finale... will this story have a happy ending??? Who knows? Like anything can happen in this world.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter and please share your thoughts with me whatever they may be. And until next time byeeee \\(￣︶￣*\\))


	38. I Have to Tell You Something...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello and welcome to chapter 38 out of 40. This is almost the end and this is the chapter many of you have been waiting for and I know many of you have maybe imagined it to go down differently (*author very deeply apologizes, beg of your forgiveness*) but somehow this flowed out of me and I liked how it sounded, so that's how it was written - I'm sorry, there are times when I just let my fingers do their own thing with the keyboard (*hihi*). Some days it's usable some days not so much ^^ So without further ranting, let's get down to the chapter when Hanna tells the gang about her Hanahaki.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it <3

**~WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 31ST - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

On my way to the hospital I felt like shit. Yet again I haven’t slept and woke up way too early. I make it to my appointment 30 minutes early and since you know how much I despise the smell of this particular hospital I decide to wait outside in the freezing weather of the last January day.

Walking into the appointment I have already decided I wanted to set my date for the surgery. I couldn’t go on anymore and even though the time I spent with Changkyun was helping me ease all of the pain and heaviness away, it all caught up with me as soon as I left his proximity. And I couldn’t live like this anymore. _I wanted to live, after all._ I felt like if I don’t undergo the surgery soon, there will be no life to live.

“I see you’ve gotten much worse, Miss Kang,” the doctor tells me.

“Tell me something I don’t know, doctor.”

“I’m actually glad to see that the sarcasm still hasn’t left you. Most people become quite lethargic and melancholic in the time that they have left.”

“Yeah, not that type of a person,” I reply, in fact considering what he said to me a compliment.

“But tell me, Miss Kang, there has to be a reason why you asked of me to move up your check up.”

“Yes. I… I want to get surgery,” I say in a still half-undecided voice.

“Are you sure? Have you thought and considered all the consequences?” the doctor apparently wants to be sure.

“Yes. But… you know… I don’t want to die,” I say in a quiet but most sure voice I can make.

“I understand. So… I’ll go over the procedure? What do you say?”

I only nod and listen to everything that is going to happen once I get admitted in the morning on the day of the surgery.

“So you can have the surgery next week, earliest. Do you think you can make it until then? Or should I try to schedule emergency surgery?”

I give it some thought and the most ridiculous one pops up in my mind. “Actually… do you think it would be possible to do it on 14th of February?”

“On Valentine’s Day?”

“Yeah, I think it’s quite… ironic,” I grin at him and cough lightly.

“I do think the irony suits you. If you last until then, then let’s do it,” his smirk mirrors mine and that seals the deal. “Until the 14th, I will give you some lorazepam just so that you can sleep. I would say ‘don’t take it often, only when you can’t sleep’ but I guess that’s every night for you these days, is it not?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then,” he prints out a paper with my prescription and sends me off with a wish for good 2 weeks and I head off to the pharmacy to pick up some drugs (as kids call it these days).

**~SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11TH - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

I have been avoiding the guys, with the exception of Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Hyungwon since the check up. I have blamed the work load that had been given by the teachers, which wasn’t a complete lie, but not even a half-truth either.

The real truth was that I was sleeping most of the time, enjoying the medicine induced deep slumber from which I always had problems waking up. Another issue that has risen up was that I started taking the medication to calm my more frequent coughing down even during the day. I went to the studio 2 days after the check up, because I had suffocated during the night really badly, but even spending time with Changkyun stopped helping. I could only wonder why.

I barely ate these days and (as I said) slept most of the day. Hyunwoo and Hoseok usually stopped by my room to make sure I had eaten something that day. They would bring me an obscene amount of take away (that I paid them for, of course) but it was them who ended up eating most of it.

Today, I felt slightly better, so I decided to go to the shop and buy some much beloved bananas and yogurt. I could eat both until the day I die and not crave anything else. But in the end, the day I die might not be that far anyway.

On the way there, I see so many groups of friends in the streets it got me thinking about telling the gang and sharing everything with them. It’s not the first time since the New Year’s Eve that I thought of this. In fact it crossed my mind more and more often, especially when I had been alone. It’s just that I am the kind of person, who (most of the time) just freaking hates being alone. I love my friends to death and I would do anything for them to just stay in my life. However short it may be.

On my way back to the dorms, I break into a terrible cough in the streets and people stare at me weirdly. Something in me breaks, my resolve walls crumble. As soon as the fit ends and I once again have to look for a trash bin in the streets, my face red due to the freezing air and the coughing, I decide it’s time everyone knows what’s going on. I have been a hypocrite for far too long at this point. I feel so tired of lying to all of them for so long that I really want to quit. I want to finally be honest with the whole gang and stop telling half-truths about being okay or asthma or me not losing weight.

I find my phone in my pocket before I chicken out like Jooheon and text into the group. Because I already started to feel like I'm not gonna do it.

**~[Listen Up Gang]** chat room~

 **[onehanna]** : guys

 **[onehanna]** : do u have time tonight?

 **[chef’s bf]** : whats up?

 **[just min]** : not rly tho

 **[happybunny]** : captain/coach meeting then i have time

 **[happybunny]** : is everything alright?

 **[Sweet Like Honey]** : im meeting a group for a project

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i have time

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : im in the same group w Jooheon

 **[Chef Ki]** : in the lib

 **[onehanna]** : i just wanted to tell u smth

 **[onehanna]** : but it can wait until next time

 **[onehanna]** : no need to rush

 **[onehanna]** : u guys go do what u planned

 **[just min]** : 3 confirmations abt postponing it to later from hanna

 **[just min]** : smth is up

 **[just min]** : wtf is going on???

 **[Chef Ki]** : yeah, i know you too well, hanna

 **[Chef Ki]** : something is wrong and it’s serious

 **[Sweet Like Honey]** : im cancelling hyungwon and me for the group meeting

 **[chef’s bf]** : han, are you ok??

 **[happybunny]** : i couldnt move the coach, can we meet when im finished??

 **[onehanna]** : u guys didn’t have to move anything bcs of me

 **[onehanna]** : it rly could have waited

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : okay, now this is some serious shit

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : no one

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : i repeat NO ONE

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : NONE of us backs out of this meeting!

 **[just min]** : hell yeah

 **[Chef Ki]** : hoseok, when do you finish?

 **[happybunny]** : 8.30pm

 **[just min]** : ok, at 8.45pm sharp

 **[just min]** : everybody will be at hoseok’s and hyungwon’s

 **[just min]** : bcs hannas room is too small

 **[happybunny’s Won]** : no excuses

 **[chef’s bf]** : ill make sure hanna doesnt back out herself

 **[he-is-what-he-is]** : me too

Okay, that went a little different from how I had wanted it to go, but well, I guess that is settled then.

At 8.35pm there was a loud knock on my door that brought me back to life from a lorazepam caused slumber.

“Hanna, open up!” I hear Changkyun’s voice call out from behind the door.

“Coming, coming,” I croak with a coarse voice. I put my very oversized hoodie on and walk to the door. I open before I put my shoes on and before Changkyun or Hyunwoo, who’s standing next to him, can say anything I speak: “Jesus, just let me put my shoes on. I was just sleeping. My God, you guys are loud as fuck.”

“Are you okay?” Hyunwoo asks with a very obvious worry in his eyes.

“Yeah, for now. Let’s go though. I don’t want to stand in the middle of a hallway,” I start making my way down the hallway to the exit. We quickly cross the snow covered square in the middle of the dorm buildings and run into the building where Hoseok and Hyungwon have their room on the top floor. “Man, the weather has become even colder now.”

“Yeah, I wish it would stop snowing finally,” Changkyun agrees with me as we walk up the stairs. I look up at Hyunwoo and he nods at me for some reason. Suddenly I feel as if he knows what I’m going to say soon and the nod might have been a signal that it’s the right time, finally.

We open the door to Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s room to find Hoseok and Minhyuk already there. Hyungwon’s and Jooheon’s voices can be heard animatedly talking down the hallway and I turn to see Ki just coming up the staircase on the other side from Joo and Won.

I guess this is it then.

We all sit down in the biggest room. I take a spot on the foot of the big bed and pull my knees up to hug myself. They all looked very concerned, maybe just Hyunwoo looked more worried than everyone else, and I think they think I look worse, so much worse, than the last time they saw me, which was more than 10 days ago. I dare to blame the lorazepam. I mean, I’ve had this weird over dragged ‘pneumonia’ or ‘asthma cough’ for months on end now. I honestly also don’t think anybody believed the bullshit about the asthma anyway. It was difficult, so difficult to stay away from my friends and only keep in tough online. I valued them too much to keep on lying.

I lost weight and the ability to breathe even in Changkyun’s proximity has gone rapidly worse in the last 10 days, since the last movie night, actually. It was difficult to not cough all the time, which also meant the petals would come out in one big tree’s worth of petals every day. It was either that or endless suffocation that would last about 12-15 minutes before the calming medicine would hit in and the pressure released my lungs from the iron grip.

I know, I have wanted to keep this a secret, but I really couldn’t hide it anymore. They deserved to know, just like I’ve always told them to only say the truth to one another. I just now realize what I hypocrite I have been all along telling Kihyun, Hyunwoo and Minhyuk to finally speak up and I have been only pushing my issues down and down. I had so much time to think that I almost became sick of myself.

I breathe in and prepare myself to speak when a cough comes up but I quickly chase it down with the offered water from Hyungwon.

“Dude, really… have you really not gone to the doctor?” Jooheon asks. It’s his first time in almost a year seeing me cough like this. I have been concealing it pretty well after all.

I stay silent, still trying to stifle a horrendous cough from coming up and I managed to cover it successfully.

“You know, Hanna, I started to think there is something weird going on quite a while ago. I never believed that over dragged pneumonia in the first place because at this point you would have gotten better due to all the medication you’ve been taking since the end of summer,” Changkyun points out. “And it must be something serious because you look worse by the day, your lungs must have been attacked by something more vicious than pneumonia or tuberculosis.”

“Are you saying she might have lung cancer?” Minhyuk gasps and covers his mouth with his hand, eyes widened in absolute horrified disbelief.

Okay, I guess it’s now or never.

“Yeah, well, I guess you guys should know finally,” I sigh heavily and look at my hand in my lap. “I’m scheduled for surgery in 2 days.”

The room falls dead silent. Everyone is absolutely shocked by the statement I just made. Hyungwon and Hoseok knew well I considered surgery to treat the sakura tree growing in my lungs but even they we were still taken aback that I have reached the decision.

“Oh my God, do you really have cancer?” Minhyuk asks seriously and moves to sit next to me and wrap his arm around my now bony shoulders.

“No,” I cough out, laughing ironically. “It’s not cancer.”

The room falls silent again, waiting for me to continue.

“It’s Hanahaki,” I say quietly, but loud enough that everyone can hear.

“What?”

“WHAT?”

“WHAAAT!”

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

Minhyuk’s eyes tear up but his expression was not only sad, but also shocked and angry. Jooheon was just plain old pissed of. Kihyun looked like the biggest mama bear with concern literally floating around him like an aura. And Changkyun, well, Changkyun looked like the deadliest of assassins you can even begin to imagine - like he was ready to go or the kill.

"How could you not tell me!" Minhyuk blames me. His eyes are full of tears that look like a mixture of sadness, frustration and anger. And a whole lot of worry. "How could you keep that away from me?! Us?"

For a while the only sounds in the room are Minhyuk's and Jooheon's words and sobs coming and going from my friends.

“Wait, wait,” Jooheon wakes up from his rage trance looking at Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Hyungwon. “You guys… you guys look like you knew…”

“Why wouldn’t you tell us if you knew?!” Minhyuk accuses Hyunwoo with tears streaming down his face.

“Because even though I love her, it’s not my story to tell,” Hyunwoo says choking a little bit as he swallows the lump in his throat dryly. “You know, how she is.”

“Minhyuk, Hyunwoo has a point there. Hanna is just like that, you know it, too,” Kihyun agrees. He's been crying the whole time, but no word of blame left his lips. Finally Kihyun turns to me. “You know that when you get surgery…”

“Yeah…”

“And you still want it?”

“Ki… no matter how brave or romantic or whatever kind of bullshit people make it up to be when you die of Hanahaki, when you die for unrequited true love… _I don’t want to die_ … even though it hurts like crazy, just thinking that I would be living an empty life without being able to love someone or something… _I’m scared_ to die,” I confess. Kihyun hums in acknowledgement and nods his head sadly.

“Who?” Changkyun spoke for the first time in the last 10 minutes. We all looked at him mimicking the tension that was seeping out of him. “Who is that piece of shit?” _You are…_ “I’m going to kill him. He’s going to die a slow painful death for making you suffer this much.” The pain and intention to hurt in his voice is was like a sharp dagger stabbing me into the back.

_Well then, I hope you like pain, Changkyunnie…_

And even though these words linger on the tip of my tongue, they would have gotten lost in the gunfire of arguments why the guy should not be killed by the rest of the group. Changkyun keeps quiet during the fight he’s started. His eyes fixed on me as Hyunwoo held me through my next fit, absorbing some of the tremors caused by the heavy coughing, this one yet again brings the disgustingly beautiful pink cherry blossom petals into the palm of my hand.

“Does he know you at least?” Changkyun questions me again.

“Of course…” I reply simply not knowing where he’s heading with this question.

“How come he doesn’t know how amazing you are, then?”

I snicker and cough lightly, but don’t respond.

“What a fucking dick,” Changkyun pushes a hand through his hair - a gesture his does when annoyed, irritated or extremely angry but still wants to trap the emotion in. “What a dick.”

I wish I wasn’t such a coward and would be able to tell him.

I’m such a coward.

_Coward…_

<Changkyun POV>

It was way past midnight when he helped Hoseok put Hanna’s sleeping body on Hyunwoo’s back and walked with him back to her room, where Hyunwoo has set her on the bed and Changkyun got one last look at the face of the girl he knew he loved. Her cheeks were not as full as before and her cheekbones stood out in an unhealthy way for her face. The hoodie she was wearing was way too oversized, even though Changkyun knew she loved oversized hoodies. She looked so peaceful in her sleep that apart from all the weightloss and the bottles of medication next to her bed, that Changkyun would say that she was healthy. There were no tremors from coughing up the pink petals, he’d seen for the first time today.

As soon as they left the room, Changkyun without saying bye to Hyunwoo as he was too lost in his own thoughts, headed straight for his room, where he fell on his bed and stared at the ceiling, angry tears pooling in his eyes. He wiped them off angrily and clutched onto his chest where a dull pain has settled.

_Why her?_

_Why Hanna?_

_When I finally realized how I had felt all along?_

_I wish I could help her, save her… have her…_

_I love her._

Changkyun sighed heavily and sat up on his bed. His thoughts kept wandering off to if maybe he had loved her more… better… _sooner_ , she wouldn’t have fallen for the guy, who caused her to suffer like this. He wished had had made his move much earlier; that he had pressured her more to tell him what was going on with her; that he could go and hurt the guy for making the girl he loved suffer so much.

The pain in his heart was not going away even after hours of sitting on the bed contemplating all the possible scenarios that his mind could come up with. The sleep was no where close to coming either, so Changkyun regrettably had to turn to the last option he had. He fished out the unfortunate bottle of gin he got from Jooheon for his birthday but hadn’t had the chance to open it yet.

He was desperately hoping to chase away the pain from his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanna told the gang - what do you think about the reveal and what happened? And she scheduled her surgery for Valentine's day - isn't that such a beautiful freaking irony? Only Hanna, really only Hanna can schedule a Hanahaki surgery on Valentine's Day. What about Changkyun's reaction - drinking? Really? He now knows so much of his feelings... Why, oh, why is Hanna such a coward? Explain it to me, please...
> 
> What do you think? Please share your thoughts on this chapter with me in the comments ^^ I love reading your opinions <3
> 
> Next time it's the day of Hanna's surgery. Stay tuned for the next chapter and for the climax of the story. <3
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter and will come back for the last 2 ones. I know it's not over yet, but thank you so much (and I really mean it) for sticking with the story for so long. You can't even imagine how much I appreciate every single comment and kudo. Everyone, please take care and stay safe <3 see you next time! <3 []~(￣▽￣)~*
> 
> Also if you have time and want to read something new - try my new story Little Psycho *shameless self-advertising* *bad author, bad* ヾ(￣▽￣) Bye~Bye~


	39. Losing You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome... we are almost at the end. It's Valentine's Day and Hanna's surgery. I have nothing to say or now, so please enjoy this chapter and stop by the end notes (I will have a lot more to say there). <3

**~SURGERY DAY, VALENTINE’S DAY - 3RD YEAR OF UNI~**

I have been admitted to the hospital in the morning after keeping the advised and required fast before surgery. All of the guys have come to the hospital with me insisting that they will be there in the waiting room until I come out of the surgery and go into the recovery room, where they swore to take watch and keep me company until I wake up from the anesthesia. Well, all of them except Changkyun came. Jooheon said he tried to reach him but his phone was off.

One single tear falls out of my eye before I decide it’s pointless to cry over it now, just an hour before the surgery.

<Changkyun POV>

Changkyun woke up and didn’t know what day it was. The last thing he remembered was drinking gin alone in his room, sobering up with much difficulty and the working on random music bits that popped up in his mind, while drinking again. His laptop was on the table and his phone was off but connected to the charger.

He groaned from how painful every movement felt. His mouth felt like a dessert in a drought and he cursed himself again for drinking another day away. He cursed himself again for not knowing how to help Hanna. He cursed himself again, for the millionth time, that his best friend and the girl he loved in one person had been suffering for so long and he didn’t and couldn’t do anything about it.

Reaching out for his phone, he turned it on and noticed a rather large amount of notifications. Most of them from the group chat the guys had without Hanna, the one she never forgot to mention whenever she got the chance to make a joke about it. The chat had been out of service for so long that Changkyun had to take a split moment to remember which group [Quality Screen Time] even was. There were also a bunch of missed phone calls, mainly from Hyungwon and Jooheon, but Hyunwoo was also on the list.

Changkyun opened the chat to read what happened.

 **~[Quality Screen Time]** chat room~

 **[almost phelps]** : guys, i don’t know how about you, but i will go with hanna to the hospital tomorrow morning

 **[artistique soul]** : what do u mean u don’t know abt us?????

 **[artistique soul]** : there is no fckng way im not in the hospital tmrw

 **[big_time_short]** : me too

 **[big_time_short]** : i will be there when she goes in, when she’s in, when she comes out and when she wakes up

 **[big_time_short]** : i am not letting her go through this alone

 **[big_time_short]** : i have already left my best friend suffer alone for long enough

 **[hoenie]** : i wish i had noticed something was off for so long

 **[artistique soul]** : do u guys think that’s y she insisted on going to the beach on that rainy day? :/

 **[sleepy]** : yes

 **[hoenie]** : u knew?

 **[buffybunny]** : yes, we knew

 **[big_time_short]** : makes more sense now

 **[buffybunny]** : it was hard to keep it from everyone

 **[buffybunny]** : i swear we all wanted to tell u guys

 **[big_time_short]** : i know how hanna is

 **[big_time_short]** : after all i’ve known her for almost 7 years now

 **[artistique soul]** : yeah

 **[artistique soul]** : its more like i wish she hasn’t been so stubborn abt not telling us

 **[artistique soul]** : we could have helped T^T

 **[almost phelps]** : she didnt even let me to help her, min

 **[almost phelps]** : and i’ve been her best friend since before elementary school

 **[sleepy]** : just hold up, once second

 **[big_time_short]** : what is it won?

 **[hoenie]** : ???

 **[sleepy]** : where the fuck is changkyun?

 **[hoenie]** : im calling him

 **[hoenie]** : his phone is off

 **[buffybunny]** : wtf?

 **[sleepy]** : let me try

 **[sleepy]** : still off, i called 5 times

 **[artistique soul]** : CHANGKYUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The next bunch of messages were from this morning when the guys have been talking about what time Hanna’s surgery is scheduled for and what time they arrive there. There were more messages about him to fucking grow a pair and show up. Changkyun felt so guilty of of a sudden. He pushed his face into the pillow and let out a very frustrated groan.

He felt his phone vibrate in his hand before he heard it ring. Taking a look at the screen and seeing it was Hyunwoo, who called him, he decided it would be better to pick up.

“Hello?” his voice was coarse from not using it and the drinking.

“ _You finally picked up_ ,” Hyunwoo spat out in an angry voice. “ _Are you going to fucking show up or what?”_

“I- I don’t know if I can, Hyunwoo,” Changkyun looked down at the state his body was in and regretted even lifting his head off the pillow as the room spun around and around.

“ _The hell you can’t!”_ Hyunwoo cursed from the other side of the line.

“I-“

“ _Fuck, Changkyun. Why are you like this?!”_

“Hyunwoo, I…”

“ _You’re the fucking reason she’s lying there anyway, for fuck’s sake!_ ” Hyunwoo shouted in anger, frustration, pain and fear at his friend. “ _Fuck_ ,” he whispered then as if he realized the hadn’t been soething he was supposed to say.

For Changkyun the world stopped spinning. Literally and figuratively. The time had stopped and the only thing ringing in his mind was what Hyunwoo just said.

_You’re the fucking reason she’s lying there anyway, for fuck’s sake!_

_I’m the reason she’s lying there. She’s in the hospital because of me. She has Hanahaki because of me. I caused her Hanahaki._

_I am the one, who caused her so much pain and suffering._

_But I am the one she loves._

In a split second Changkyun sobered up and shot out of bed like a lightning, his phone fell out of his hand and he couldn’t care less. He took a quick glance at the shorts he was wearing and decided he most likely couldn’t bolt out of the door bare-chested, barefoot, only in shorts, so he pulled out the first clean jeans that he could grab from the closet and the hoodie that was laying neatly folded on top of the other similarly folded black clean ones. He quickly put both of these pieces of clothing on and stumbled over his own feet when rushing to pull out a clean pair of socks from the drawer. He fell to his knees and cursed out from the pain that stung his knees, but it was nothing compared to the pain that was seizing his chest from the realization that hit him once he put Hyunwoo’s words to his mind.

Finding a pair of socks was easier than one might have thought. Changkyun put them on hastily and grabbed his phone from the floor where he had dropped it.

“ _Hello! Changkyun?_ ” Hyunwoo’s voice sounded rather worried and Changkyun guessed he must have heard the fumbling noises.

“I’m…” his voice broke as he choked on a strangled sob. “I’m on my way.”

He hung up once he said the last word to Hyunwoo, not waiting for a response anyway. He rushed out, pulling his shoes while locking the door to his room. The parka remained in his hand as he sprinted across the campus grounds to the nearest subway station, breathing heavily as he sat in the train he almost missed.

Changkyun desperately hoped he would make it in time and prayed to all the gods that were above him, old and new, known and unknown, to give him one last chance.

 _Just one last one_.

<Back to Hanna POV>

All of the guys were in the room with me, Changkyun being an exception, when the nurse came in to tell me the operation room was ready and it was almost time to go.

Minhyuk was crying like a baby next to me, sobbing loudly. Kihyun kept wiping his red eyes with his sleeve and snuggled to Hyunwoo more than usually. Hoseok was crying silently in Hyungwon’s embrace and Jooheon was the only one standing there swallowing hard and keeping the tears back from falling out of his eyes. Even Hyunwoo was quietly shedding tears while hugging Kihyun close to his chest.

 _I’m not dying, Jesus Christ!_ I smirk at the states my best friends are in and say sarcastically: “If I could choose between dying and listening to you lot cry for _one more minute_ , I think my choice would be quite obvious.”

“You idiot,” Minhyuk scoffs, sniffles again and gives me an angry look that has a familiar gleam in it. “You really can’t be serious even in a situation like this.”

I take a breath to reply but a nasty cough comes up. They all watch me convulse in pain on the hospital bed, where I had been deposited after I had been admitted. The nurse couldn’t give me any medicine so everything was hurting and I was coughing all the time. I have been so uncomfortable, but there’s no way I am going to tell someone that.

“And what did you think?” Kihyun sneers and wipes his nose. He flicks me on the forehead playfully, not strong but not soft either. There is an edge of a smile in the corner of his lips. “She’s just dumb like that. Always tries to make the situation lighter than it is.”

“Shut up, it’s not like you haven’t bawled your eyes out during the night, Ki,” Minhyuk sticks his tongue out at him.

Kihyun looks appalled for a moment actually before asking him: “And how do you know about that?”

“Hyunwoo is my friend too, you idiot,” Minhyuk shrugs and I can’t help but smile at how they’re behaving.

“Min, if I were you I would shut up. I was on the phone with you for 3 hours last night until you cried yourself to sleep,” Jooheon steps in, mocking Minhyuk. I actually laugh shortly but loudly at this, pouring all of my heart and love for my friends into it.

“And why are you laughing?” Kihyun mothers me again. “Don’t you dare laugh, you’re the reason for the pain in my eyes. And you call yourself my best friend,” Kihyun snickers cutely and hugs Hyunwoo even closer (if that’s possible).

I can’t help but laugh again and think one more time that this is what I wanted. I despised seeing their tears, now and _ever_. After all, I am going to come out alive from this, it’s something to be celebrated, not cried over.

Then the nurse comes in again and announces we’re leaving the room. I sigh and nod to her. _It’s time then._

The guys stay in the room when they roll me out on the bed to the hallway and make the way towards the operation room, I close my eyes, not wanting to see the neon lights above my head like a countdown, but before we manage to turn the corner I hear a familiar voice call out.

“ _WAIT!_ ” the voice shouts. I open my eyes as the motion stops and the painful neon blue lights of the hospital hallway hurt my eyes just a little. I recognize the voice immediately and the world stops. Completely.

“Why?” the doctor says and when I turn my eyes to him he’s looking somewhere off, behind my head. I follow his line of sight and my eyes fall on Im Changkyun, whose head is hanging down, his chest lifting up and down from breathing heavily. It’s difficult for me to breathe and I try to take a deeper breath to push the old ‘it’s okay’ mantra out to him.

But out of nowhere, Changkyun reaches the bed and bends over to hug my lying slim body to his chest. He hugs me so tight I feel like he could crush my bones with a single snap. But at the same time, it is the most comforting thing in the world. Warmth spreads across my chest and into my ever cold limbs (an uncomfortable side effect of weight loss - you’re always cold).

“I’m sorry, Hanna, I’m so, so sorry,” he cries and my heart breaks again. “Please don’t go. Don’t… go in. Please… don’t. Please just… don’t. Don’t stop loving me. I-I know I fucked up…” his voice keeps breaking and his sobs tremor my body as much as his. “I wish it was me, I wish it had been me this whole fucking time. Not you. I’m so sorry I put you through this pain…” I reach my hands up and hug him back lightly but it is with as much strength as I can gather. I don’t have much strength to hold onto him as tight as he does onto me. “But please, please, please don’t stop loving me.” Kyun is full on crying now. Like proper ugly crying. Guys crying - they always only ugly cry if they mean it. He knows and I know too.

I shed a single tear and suddenly little bit of the pressure from my chest is alleviated. I take a half-deep breath in and expect a cough to come but the exhale is clean, so I take another… now a cough rips through my body.

Changkyun only hugs me even tighter, not letting go. It almost feels like he’s never going to let me go.

“I wish it had been me. I should have been suffering this whole fucking time. Not you. It should have been me. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, please don’t go,” Kyun keeps repeating, his sobs and inhales not changing from the first moment he’s started crying. They still ripple through him like strong waves, making his normally beautifully deep voice strangled and laced with all kinds of pain.

I take another clean breath, which gives me the courage to lift my hand and with great effort I stroke the ball of hair that is his head pressed to the crook of my neck. He looks up, his eyes puffy and from crying so much, his cheeks wet from the tears that have fallen onto them. He says his words one more time and this time I truly believe him: “Please don’t stop loving me.”

The doctor, who has been standing by the side of the bed has decided that it might better if they put me back in the room, where 6 extremely surprised guys jump up immediately the moment I returned. Asking what happened and why I wasn’t in the operation room now. Then they noticed Changkyun walking behind and the shouting had begun. It must have been good 3 or 4 minutes of constant shouting at Kyun during which Kihyun, Minhyuk and Jooheon let everything out but then once they settled and calmed down a little bit, they noticed that Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Hyungwon haven’t said anything through out the whole triad.

Only then Hyunwoo speaks in a calm but pain laced voice. “So you made it.”

“I’m sorry,” Changkyun apologizes yet again.

“It’s good you’re here now,” Hyungwon sighs, relief sounding from him.

“Again??? Seriously?! How do you guys know something we don’t… _again_?” Minhyuk complains and huffs out his cheeks like an angry Jigglypuff.

“It’s better you didn’t know,” Hoseok tells him and smiles softly at me and then at Changkyun, who just bows his head further down between his slumped shoulders, staring at his feet.

“It’s _YOU_?” Kihyun calls out in rage. He tries to jump closer to Changkyun probably to subject him to physical pain, but Hyunwoo catches him and pushes Kihyun’s back against his chest in an attempt to calm down his very angry boyfriend. “You could have _killed_ her! How dare you? How fucking _dare_ you hurt her this much!”

“What?” Minhyuk shouts at Kyun, stunned in shock, completely unmoving from his position next to Jooheon. “You-“

It was time for me to fucking say something at this point. “Lee Minhyuk, Yoo Kihyun, shut the fuck up!”

Everyone turns to me shocked at the power my voice suddenly gained. I cough up from the extortion put on my lungs and Changkyun rushes to the side of my bed to help me up to a more sitting position so he can pull me to him. The tremors leave my body faster this time. So much faster.

I take a shallow breath in again. “Listen to me, guys. I think you should go out for bit. I guess Kyun and I have a lot to say to each other.”

“And here I thought she would say something sarcastic,” Hyungwon snickers but a happy smile uncovers his ‘disguise’ right away.

“I still can if you want me to,” I glare at Hyungwon in a mocking way with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, she’s changed,” Hoseok agrees with his boyfriend with a feign sadness but grabs both Jooheon and Minhyuk around their shoulders and starts pushing them out of the room. There is a content smile plastered on both of Hyungwon’s and Hoseok’s faces and I can’t help but smile softly. Those two are hopeless romantics.

Meanwhile Hyunwoo drags away still eagerly protesting Kihyun. Hyungwon just winks at Changkyun and me and follows everyone out, closing the door behind them.

“Oh man,” I sigh heavily. “I thought a migraine was starting, but it was just Minhyuk’s high pitched voice pushing all the wrong buttons.” I bring one hand up to massage the bridge of my nose.

Changkyun chuckles at my remark and I lean back against the head of the bed, keeping myself in a seated position.

“Question,” he starts but I stop him by putting my hand up.

“It’s not your turn,” I announce matter-of-factly. That’s not how the game works, Kyun.

“Oh, _come on_! How do you even remember that?” he smiles at me in half-disbelief, but I can see fondness in his smile too.

“’Cause I do, _duh_ ,” I reply and shake my head in pretend superiority. In a way nothing has changed between us and I have to say I cannot be happier that I have not lost Changkyun as a best friend.

“Okay, what was the question again?” he sighs defeated and rolls his eyes.

“If you become a famous rapper will you have a gold chain or silver chain?”

“Ugh… silver, like 50 Cent in Candy Shop or none,” he responds with much other thought.

“Weird flex, but… okay. You ask,” I motion towards him with my hand and try to sit up more straight, which isn’t a very comfortable motion, but since Changkyun is looking down at his hands, I can afford to scrunch my face a little bit.

“Will you ever forgive me?” his voice is low and laced with fear of a negative answer.

“For what?” I know perfectly well what he means, but I would much rather give him the expression that I feel like there’s nothing to ask for forgiveness for.

“For making you hurt this much,” he finally looks me in the eye and the pain in his voice breaks my heart into millions of shards. The one in his eyes makes me want to put all the shards together just to give it to him all over again.

“How could I not?” I stare at him, my lips turn into a soft smile.

“Was that an answer or a question?” he gazes into my eyes intently.

“Hmpf, an answer, _of course_. I would not waste my question like that,” I squint my eyes at him, which makes him laugh shortly, but with happiness. I cough suddenly with a suffocating cough but no petals come out.

“Fair enough,” he chuckled and a warm feeling spreads around my core. I smile softly a him. “Do you have a question?”

“Can you promise me something?” I ask genuinely curious.

“Anything,” he responds without taking a moment to breathe, but there’s worry about the coming question in his face.

“Then _please_ promise me we won’t be cheesy like Hoseok and Hyungwon can get,” I stare at him doe eyed and watch the worry turn into a bright smile.

“Well… you know how much I hate promises, but…” Kyun nods his head, “this one is definitely a promise to keep… but you know, I wish I could turn back the clock, I’d find you sooner and love you longer.” His eyes turn dreamy and apologetic and I feel myself falling for him all over again, but then I remind myself I _just_ asked him _not_ to be cheesy. I hate cheesy, he hates cheesy. That is one of the biggest givens in the world.

My body convulses from the cringe and I rub my face _hard_ with my hands as if to wash off the cringe. “Ugh, that was cheesy.” Kyun shakes like a dog getting rid of water on his fur, but I know he did it all on purpose. He’s not a cheesy person, but something inside tells me that he will get cheesy just to tease and annoy me. _Oh God, I need to get a dictionary of sarcastic expressions. Do they even make those?_

And then silence falls upon the room, but not an awkward one. It’s comfortable, like the ones we’ve shared before we knew about each others’ feelings and long before that we knew about our own. It’s the kind of silence you enjoy and can only have it with the person you love because there is no need for awkward silence when both of you have nothing to say. It’s very similar to when you talk to your significant other about complete nonsense. You two just get it.

Kyun stares into my eyes for a long moment before moving closer to me and sitting next to me on the bed and pulling my into another loving and soft hug. We sit there for a couple minutes just in each other’s embrace before Kyun speaks again in a dreamy voice: “I’m happy to know you need me to breathe because without you I wouldn’t know what love is.”

“ _IM CHANGKYUN!!!!!!”_ I cry out in frustration from the cheesy shit he just said, which only brings him to a roaring wholehearted laughter full of joy, happiness and sincere amusement and I join him in laughing.

This is us.

This is so us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... actually - this is the last chapter and the next one is epilogue. ^^ We know now how the story ends and please share your thoughts of the story and the ending with me in the comments, because this is it (I'm going to write a proper 'thank you and see you again' at the end of the epilogue so... I'll get real sappy next time ^_^').
> 
> Did you like the ending? Did you expect it after the last couple of chapters? What do you think of Hyunwoo spilling the beans? Any thoughts and comments will make me happy, so please share them with me. <3 <3
> 
> I hope you come back next time for the epilogue to get a snippet of the future. I also previously mentioned a ShowKi spin off, on which I am working on (I promise), but I also have Little Psycho (another shameless self-advertising -_-') and another concept of a story that popped up in my mind so... the ShowKi spin off WILL happen, I just don't know when *heh*.
> 
> Please take care and stay safe as always. See you at the epilogue (～￣▽￣)～ bye bye <3


	40. With You I'm Always Winning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dear readers, you have reached the epilogue of Petals of Love. Thank you for sticking with this story until the end. ^^ I hope you enjoy the short epilogue (I'm sorry it's shorter that regular chapters were). <3

**~UNIVERSIADE, MID-JUNE - 4TH YEAR OF UNI~**

_My lungs are burning._

_My arms feel heavy_

_It’s difficult to breathe._

_But there is no way I’m going to let that shit bring me down._

I twist my body to the side and take a breath as deep as possible and then dunk to turn into the last 50m of this difficult 1500 free. This one being particularly difficult thanks to the girl glued next to me. The whole race we have been head to head, even though I gained some bit now in the last 100 meters.

I push my strokes harder and faster in the last pool and curse the damn long course pool for not having that many turns as that has always been one of my strengths. My arms are on fire from the extortion I’ve been putting them through for the last almost 16 minutes. Suddenly I am under the flags and it’s the last 5 meters so I just push myself not to breathe and to just touch the wall first. Final stroke and my hand hits the wall, it looks like I have finished second, though.

I turn my head to the time board and see my name on the top next to a new personal best. My face turns into the widest smile I have probably ever had on my face and I _roar_ in victory lifting my aching arms high up to the sky. The feeling is indescribable. It’s not just happiness; there is also intense feeling of satisfaction after 4 years of hard work in the university team; pride that I have finally made something I have been dreaming of; relief that I have not let myself and people who were cheering on me down; and finally desire to not stop progressing.

Meanwhile a voice through the speakers travels across the pool and over the cheers of the spectators: “And Kang Hanna of the Golden Seals becomes the women’s 1500 freestyle Universiade champion in a new personal best through a rough neck to neck race with Mainou Isabelle, who placed second with the difference of 0.17 seconds. In third place Hopes Jessica, losing 6 seconds and 48 hundredths on the new champion.”

When I get out of the pool I shake hands and hug with Isabelle in second place laughing at the event being finally over.

The dreams of gold in my favorite event have come true and I literally drag myself to pick up my clothes that I have deposited in a basket before going to the starting block. Making my tired legs walk is a very, very difficult thing but I make my way to where our team is sitting and get mentally ready for the celebrations.

I remember that Hyunwoo has most likely called the gang through a video chat just like I did when Hyunwoo was going for his events. Changkyun has sent me a picture from Hoseok and Hyunwoo’s room where the guys have connected a laptop to the TV and watched our events on the big screen. They promised that this year they would watch all of our events together - no excuses.

Having talked to Kyun on the phone before my 1500, he told me that they were all already there waiting for the event to start. I guess the 5 of them must have had a lot of fun. Why 5 you ask?

Well, Hoseok has also qualified to the World University Games this year and is here with Hyunwoo and me and the whole swimming team. His events begin tomorrow after the swimming ends today. So we have 4 more days before the swimming and diving team takes a flight home.

Walking through the hallway I see people from all over the world, from different universities smile at me, some faces I have seen before, but most are new. Meet venues are always filled with a lots of emotions, both positive and negative.

As I come closer to where our team is seated in the audience area I hear the chant: “Kang Hanna! Kang Hanna! Kang Hanna!” The closer I get the louder it gets and I can’t seem to hide (or even try) my wide smile. The first people to run to me are Hoseok and Hyunwoo with a phone in his hand. Hyunwoo reaches me first at envelops me into a tight hug.

“You won!” he shouts in my ear and I laugh with him, jumping in a hugging circle, now joined by Hosoek as well. “You won the gold!” I also hear screams from the phone and stop jumping around to see the 5 faces that couldn’t be here with us, because they have to be back home working or preparing to move out before the end of the 4th year.

The voices from the video call mush together with the cheers and congratulatory words from the team and the happiness never dies down that day, since I have been the last one to race anyway, only the relays are to follow now.

The coach approaches me and I can see the pride in her eyes. “Good job, Hanna. I’m so proud of you, so happy for you. You’ve worked hard and it paid off.”

“Thanks, coach,” I smile at her as I go to my back pack to put on the team clothes so I can go to the award ceremony when they get it ready.

“Changkyun wants to talk to you,” Hyunwoo hands me the phone he’s been holding and I happily take it from him.

<Changkyun POV>

At first Jooheon was very angry with Changkyun for skipping their studio session, but he just had to go the the airport to surprise pick up Hanna, his girlfriend of one year and 4 months. So even though Jooheon protested and called Changkyun whipped even after such a long time, he never stood down and went to the airport right after his midday lecture.

Hanna and him got together officially about 2 weeks after the surgery that thankfully didn’t happen. They spent as much time together as they could, but Hanna got busy quickly, just like Changkyun did.

Hanna started gaining her healthy weight back, but also put a lot more work into the hours in the pool and dryland, resulting in her body being slimmer but stronger than before, her face had the same healthy look like before and when she smiled she didn’t have wrinkled skin around her mouth, but one adorable dimple at the beginning of her left cheek, close to the corner of her lips. She looked like a healthy athlete and Changkyun could comfortably say that she was one. Now she took more care of her nutrition and at first Changkyun didn’t understand a thing but supported everything she did with his whole heart. Swimming was her first and longest love and he understood that, just like Hanna understood that Changkyun without music wouldn’t be Changkyun.

The end of the third year had been difficult, both were extremely busy with their studies and Hanna was so dedicated to get back to her swimming goals fast, so she worked hard and Changkyun also worked on his music more often than not. Dating at that stage wasn’t easy but they tried to spend as much time together as possible, so they somehow managed. Just before the start of the summer break Changkyun, Minhyuk, Jooheon and Hyungwon acquired their Bachelor of Arts degrees and continued off to get their Masters degree. Hyunwoo and Kihyun got their Bachelor degrees as well, but theirs were titled ‘of Science’, and both continued for their Masters too. Hanna and Hoseok were studying to be doctors so their degrees would be given at the end of their 5-year study.

The summer after 3rd year was one of festivals again and resembled the first one, Changkyun and Hanna spent most of the festivals together but their music tastes still differed slightly. Hanna, worked in the café, but not all that often, her mom just happy that her daughther got back into the pool following her goals and sending time with Changkyun, who was very hated by Hanna’s father at first and ignored by her brother. Her mom took Changkyun in warmly, just like his parents welcomed Hanna.

At the beginning of the 4th year, Changkyun and Hanna got a dorm room together, just 2 doors down from Hoseok and Hyungwon’s room, it was smaller than theirs but they got to be together and that was important to them since their studies and activities kept them busy enough to not have all the free time in the world to just spend it together doing nothing. And living together was one of the only choices to be sure they would see each other at least once a day.

Of course they had become the butt of the joke with the gang often, but Changkyun and Hanna together were a force not to be reckoned with, but the gang could have learned that in the past too.

And finally after quite the wait at the arrivals hall the swimmers and divers started to pile out and Changkyun noticed Hanna and Hoseok laughing at something pushing each other around slightly like children. Hyunwoo was walking behind them laughing at whatever the two were doing.

Hyunwoo spotted Changkyun making his way to them first and tapped on Hanna’s shoulder and pointed Changkyun’s way.

Hanna turned her attention the way Hyunwoo was pointing all confused what he was trying to show her, but once she noticed him her face lit up in surprise and a wide smile settled on her face. She made a quick bee line to him and fell into his hug without a word.

Changkyun also embraced her without a single word, they just somehow understood each other without the necessity to speak many times. Just like Hoseok and Hyungwon did.

“My champion,” Changkyun finally whispered lovingly after kissing the top of Hanna’s head. He then sniffed her hair and smirked. “Did you get a new perfume?”

She pulled away from the hug, giving Changkyun a half angry glare. “If you say I smell like chlorine, I will kick you in the nuts,” she threatened him with a joke in her voice.

Changkyun’s hands fall to his side and then to cover over his crotch, his face plastered with a guilty smile. “I love you?” he said in effort to reconcile, the joke in his voice easily heard.

Hanna chuckled and took him by the hand to join Hoseok and Hyunwoo walking towards the exit. “I’m hungry!” she called out once Changkyun and Hanna caught up with the other two.

“Kihyun said he cooked something,” Hyunwoo replied.

“Yeah, let’s get to campus,” Hanna agreed. “Coach, do we have one extra space in the bus?”

The coach turned around and once she saw Changkyun she smiled and nodded. Changkyun thought the professional swimming team coach became quite fond of him and apparently he wasn’t wrong.

Once the gang has gathered in Kihyun’s and Minhyuk’s room’s kitchen (yes, they still officially lived together, because Kihyun and Hyunwoo were the ‘responsible’ couple - as they liked to call themselves) and the congratulatory hugs and secret handshakes have been given to all, both the swimmers and the diver, the 6 have gathered around the table and Hyunwoo and Kihyun went to deal with the food 3 meters away from the guys at the table with beers in their hands.

“You know, years after meeting you, Changkyun, I would have never guessed you’d have kept the cheesiness in you after that bitch Minhee,” Minhyuk claimed after Hyungwon told Hanna about the events that had happened in their room prior to her 1500 free. She laughed so hard her eyes started to tear up.

“I blame Hoseok,” Hanna said calming down but still chuckling under her breath, but leaning on Changkyun’s shoulder with a content look in her face.

“Hey don’t blame me for his true nature coming out,” Hoseok laughed shortly and pointed finger towards her, taking a drink from the beer can in his hand right after.

“Yeah, I think it’s time to Minhyuk this shit,” Hanna sighed heavily, mockery lacing her voice.

“Why are you dragging me into your mess?” Minhyuk smirked, wanting an explanation.

“Is not _‘hi-bye’_ your thing?” she asked him with a raised brow and Changkyun grinned to himself knowing very well she’s joking.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t you own ordeal,” Minhyuk shook his head.

“You’re supposed to be her best friend,” Changkyun whined, joining Hanna.

“Not after she betrayed me and left me in the singles’ land 16 months ago,” Minhyuk exclaimed laughing at Changkyun’s pouty expression.

“Jooheon is single,” Hyungwon reminded him lazily, earning an irritated glare from the mentioned friend.

“True, but if Hyunwoo keeps on doing that,” Hoseok pointed to the couple at the stove. Hyunwoo secretely picked from the food Kihyun was preparing yet again when the shorter turned away, “he will be too. And very soon.”

The table erupted in laughter dragging the attention of the mentioned couple. Kihyun just called out that he heard everything and also knew about Hyunwoo picking on the food and that unless they’re willing to help at the table they better just shut up. Kihyun sounded so much like a mom that they couldn’t do anything else than laugh. All 8 of them.

Changkyun realized just how much he had loved these nights, these friends, this girl leaning against him.

“Ugh, I’m beat,” Hanna fell on the bed closing her eyes in Changkyun’s and her room like a sack of potatoes after eating another of Kihyun’s delicious meals at the celebratory dinner.

“Really?,” Changkyun leaned over her on the bed, supporting himself on his elbows, his face only a couple of inches from hers.

She opened her eyes that gleamed with mischievous acknowledgment. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say shit,” Changkyun grinned at her, leaning closer, their noses almost touching.

“I can hear your thoughts,” she smiled back.

Changkyun laughed shortly and realized just how much he had missed her these 12 days. He closed the distance between them, crushing their lips in a hungry kiss.

THE END

An ending note from the author:

So, _Petals of Love_ is over and I can't even describe how thankful I am to everyone, who has read (and kudo-ed and commented on) this story. It was the first story I have posted here and I am so very grateful for all the support it received. 💛 I am also so so so happy that even though some (maybe most) of you were doubtful about Hanna as OFC, you gave her a shot as she wasn't the typical (or at least I think so) OFC. I hope that you have laughed at some of the jokes and/or watched/listened for some of the shows/movies/songs I described in the story and if not I hope you do. (I know I'm getting all sappy and I would 100% make Hanna gag.😅) I hope you have been a little bit frustrated with the story from a time to time as that was my intention and got worried about the characters as well as felt for them in their own moments, as I tried to give each and every one of them a story line alongside the main one.

But yes, I just wanted to say _**thank** **you**_. 💛💛💛 Thank you and hopefully we can see each other in Little Psycho and if that's not your cup of tea, there will be the ShowKi spin off I mentioned, but please give me some time to think over the time line for that and I will get to writing it if there are still people, who want to read it.

(I probably forgot to say something in this ending note, but oh well... sorry 😅😅)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like the epilogue? Will you come back for the ShowKi spin off when I start to write it? Did you try Little Psycho already? Any last thoughts on Petals of Love?
> 
> Please share all your last opinions with me in the comments as this is truly the end of this story and it would mean the world to me to read your final thoughts. <3 <3 Once again thank you for sticking with the story and see you in the next one ^_~ <3 <3
> 
> And I will and it the same way I have always done - please stay safe, stay healthy and take care ~(￣▽￣)~* Bye bye <3

**Author's Note:**

> That's all for now folks. I hope you enjoyed Petals of Love and let's see each other in my next stories ^^ <3 <3


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